Three years. Three years since my marriage ended. It's a typical rainy day in London and today I welcome the gloom. Christian doesn't invade my thoughts as much as he used to, but on this day I always allow myself to reflect, to mourn. Dr. Fara says it's healthy. She reminds me that I need to acknowledge my feelings, not keep them bottled up inside. So today, I allow myself to give those feelings a voice, if only for a day.
As I think back, I wonder if the ending was always inevitable. My greatest fear was that I would never be enough and that was proven tenfold. Christian swore that wasn't true, but I saw it with my own eyes. I had given him everything, my heart, my body, my soul. My world began and ended with him and our family. I thought we were happy. No, I know we were happy.
Fatherhood had changed Christian in so many ways. It was as if Teddy was the missing link in both of our lives. We may have both been born into broken families, but Teddy made us whole. Our own family. Christian was amazing with Teddy from the moment he was born. He doted on our son and reveled in his role as a father. When I found out I was pregnant with our second child, there was no shock or fear as there had been with Teddy. This was something we both wanted. We were elated.
Christian was with me every step of the way, from buying a pregnancy test at the drugstore to fulfilling my late night cravings and holding my hair when I was sick. He was at every doctor appointment and asked more questions than I did. The pregnancy was much easier than with Teddy, probably due to the absence of deranged pedophiles and psychotic kidnappers from our lives. I was heading into my eighteenth week and everything seemed to be progressing on schedule. It was a Monday evening and I had my check up the following morning. Christian was in New York on business and due back later that night. Unfortunately, severe thunderstorms grounded all of the planes and it wouldn't be possible for him to leave until the following morning. He wanted me to move the appointment, but I assured him it would be fine. It was only a weigh in, measurement and heart rate check appointment that would likely take less than fifteen minutes. Little did I know that appointment would be the catalyst that would break our family.
Sawyer walked me into Dr. Greene's office and waited patiently as I checked in. At Christian's insistence, we were always the first appointment, so I was called back immediately. They weighed me, checked my blood pressure and collected a urine sample. Same as always. I sat on the exam table reading emails as I waited for Dr. Greene. When she came in we made small talk about a recent charity event we both attended and she measured me and said everything looked great. If only that had been true.
Moments later, she was trying to check the baby's heart rate. She was having trouble locating it and I immediately panicked. She told me to calm down, that the baby may be turned in a way that made it difficult to get a good read. She called a nurse to bring in the ultrasound machine. The moments following are still somewhat of a blur, though I will never forget the blood curdling scream that left my body when I heard...no heartbeat, so sorry, who can I call for you...and then darkness. Yes, that moment was the beginning of the end.
