(FOREMAN enters.)
FOREMAN: We pick up six months after the end of Part One. Since we last saw our heroes, House and Wilson have remained in love, Cuddy and Chase have stayed together to raise her and Wilson's child and have thought of numerous evil plots, thought they haven't actually put any into motion yet. Cameron is just as whiny as always. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I—
HOUSE: (from off-stage) We weren't!
FOREMAN: Fine, mock me. You'll regret it later. (diabolical laughter)
(FOREMAN exits)
---
(At HOUSE'S apartment, on a DARK AND STORMY NIGHT.)
HOUSE: I can't believe you would do this!
WILSON: House, all I did was say hi to one of the oncology nurses.
HOUSE: Yeah, but it was the way you said it.
WILSON: Like an employer greeting his employee?
HOUSE: Oh, so now she's your "employee"? Is that what they're calling it these days?
WILSON: But House, I love you!
HOUSE: Oh, that's convincing. (crosses his arms and turns away)
WILSON: (singing)
I've never felt this
way
About anyone before.
I've been married three times,
But it's you whom I adore.
HOUSE: (singing)
Those are all empty words,
And ones I just can't
believe.
The idea of you being faithful,
Is one I just can't conceive.
WILSON: (singing)
But my dearest, my darling,
I love you to bits.
And if you go and end this,
I think I'll lose all my wits.
HOUSE: (singing)
I
simply can't help it,
But I don't believe you.
WILSON: (singing)
But
House, my pet,
Why would I deceive you?
HOUSE: (singing)
I don't really know,
But this can go on no longer.
WILSON: (singing)
House, alone, we're both pathetic,
But together we grow stronger.
HOUSE:
(singing)
Infidelity is in your nature,
There's nothing I can do,
I'm very much in love,
But I simply can't trust you.
WILSON: (singing)
Fine, leave, just
go!
My broken heart will mend,
But, House, I'm telling you,
This is not the end!
(HOUSE exits. WILSON sits down on the piano bench and sobs.)
---
(The next day, in the Diagnostics conference room. HOUSE is seated in his office, and FOREMAN, CAMERON, and CHASE are playing hangman on the whiteboard.)
CHASE: Q?
FOREMAN: No, sorry. You died.
CHASE: That's the twenty-third time in a row you've won. What was the word?
FOREMAN: Apple.
CHASE. Curses, foiled again! (pause) Well, at least I have pretty hair. (hair flip)
CUDDY: (enters the conference room) New case, guys. (throws some files on the table and exits)
CAMERON: I'll go let House know. (picks files up and opens the door to HOUSE'S office.) Hey House, we've got a new case.
HOUSE: Who cares? We all die alone!
CAMERON: (closes door to office and moves closer to HOUSE) Are you all right? Is there anything I can do?
HOUSE: (glares at her) Don't try to comfort me.
CAMERON: But House, I was just—
HOUSE: I know what you were doing, you…you woman.
CAMERON: House, what's wrong?
HOUSE: Harlot! Away, demon!
CAMERON: All right then. (exits)
---
(FOREMAN enters)
FOREMAN: House was in an even worse mood than usual for quite some time. Cameron kept trying to comfort him, but every time she, Cuddy, or any other female came anywhere near him, he just called her a harlot and waved his cane around. Wilson sulked a lot. Chase got nominated for What Not To Wear. Twenty-three times. That's about it. I talked about House, Cameron, Wilson, Cuddy, and Chase. I think they left someone out, but—
CHASE: (from off-screen) Nope, get off the stage!
FOREMAN: (glares) Fine. I'll leave.
(FOREMAN exits)
---
(In the Diagnostics conference room. CAMERON is seated at the table, alone. WILSON enters.)
WILSON: Hey, Cameron. What's up?
CAMERON: Oh, not much. I'm just trying figure out a way to MEND MY BOSS'S BROKEN HEART. WHICH YOU BROKE. IT'S BROKEN. BECAUSE OF YOU.
WILSON: But I didn't mean—
CAMERON: (screams) HEART-BREAKER.
WILSON: Cameron, I couldn't help it. All I did was talk to one of my nurses. House seems to think that I can't help but be unfaithful to a significant other.
CAMERON: (sulkily) Maybe you can't.
WILSON: Fine! Maybe I can't. But you know what? It's not my fault. I'm damaged.
CAMERON: (eyes light up) Damaged?
WILSON: We all are, really.
CAMERON: (ignores him and speaks in a trance-like voice) Damaged.
WILSON: Um, Cameron?
CAMERON: (snaps back to attention) Yeah?
WILSON: Are you all right?
CAMERON: Of course. Hey, have you eaten?
WILSON: No, not yet.
CAMERON: Want to go to lunch? My treat.
WILSON: (nods) Sure.
CAMERON: Let's go.
(WILSON exits.)
CAMERON: (diabolical laughter)
(CAMERON exits.)
---
FOREMAN: (from off-screen) They're not even giving me have screentime now. (yells) THREE WEEKS LATER…
---
(At WILSON'S hotel room. CAMERON and WILSON are making out passionately on the hotel bed.)
WILSON: I love you, Cameron. (strokes CAMERON'S hair)
CAMERON: I love you too, Wilson. But why haven't we told anyone about, well, us?
WILSON: We will, don't worry.
CAMERON: Good. I don't like sneaking around this.
(CAMERON and WILSON continue kissing.)
---
(The next day, in the Diagnostics conference room.)
HOUSE: Since the patient is a woman and all women are evil, she is clearly suffering from demonic possession. Chase, I believe that's your area.
CHASE: I didn't get that far in seminary school, sorry.
HOUSE: Foreman, any ideas?
FOREMAN: I think you're completely psychotic.
HOUSE: Right. Cameron?
CAMERON: Um…
HOUSE: Cameron, I'm waiting.
CAMERON: (screams) I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. WILSON AND I ARE DATING.
HOUSE, FOREMAN, and CHASE: (shocked gasps)
---
(At CUDDY'S house, in the SECRET CHAMBER OF EVIL SCHEMES.)
CUDDY: I can't believe Wilson is dating Cameron.
CHASE: Yeah, me either. It seems like just yesterday when we were—
CUDDY: What?
CHASE: Nothing. I hear the baby crying. (CHASE exits very quickly.)
CUDDY: I need to think of a way to break them up. This relationship is going to ruin my hospital. TO THE DRAWING BOARD! (diabolical laughter)
CHASE: (from off-screen) Are you all right?
CUDDY: Yeah, I'm fine.
Feed the baby.
(singing)
I can't let Wilson and Cameron
Continue what they've
started.
It's gone on too long, I fear,
And they'll to have to be parted.
I don't know how I'll
do it,
But something will come to mind.
The easiest way is to
get Wilson
To leave Cameron behind.
What if in his
office,
He suddenly found a hooker?
He'd try to make her
leave,
But she'd be quite the looker!
He wouldn't be
able to resist,
Cheating's in his nature.
Cameron would be
sad, but
It's okay, we all kind of hate her.
Yes! I think
that this will work,
And if it doesn't, well,
I'll think of
something else,
They'll break up, and it'll be
swell!
(diabolical laughter)
---
(The next day, in CUDDY'S office. CUDDY is seated at her desk. CHASE enters.)
CHASE: Who are you on the phone with?
CUDDY: Ilsa's Hooker Emporium. I have a surprise for Wilson.
CHASE: I like what I'm hearing.
CUDDY: Well, all that's left to do is wait.
CHASE: I know a way to pass the time.
(CUDDY and CHASE make out, because CUDDY/CHASE makeout scenes are HOT.)
FOREMAN: from off-screen) TWO HOURS LATER!
CUDDY: Nothing has happened yet. She should have been here by now.
CHASE: (pulls CUDDY'S panties off his head) Maybe she's late.
CUDDY: Oh, she better not be pregnant.
CHASE: Other kind of late.
CUDDY: Right. Well, she really should have been here by now.
(HOUSE limps by with a huge smirk over his face. A glance at his neck reveals multiple hickeys.)
CUDDY: Stupid House.
CHASE: (to himself) Lucky bastard.
---
(FOREMAN enters.)
FOREMAN: Wow, they let me be on screen this time!
DAVID SHORE: (from off-screen) And you'll come right back off if you don't stick to the script!
FOREMAN: (glares) FINE. Cuddy and Chase continued plotting to break Wilson and Cameron up, but all their efforts were thwarted. Luckily, they didn't have to try too hard, because Wilson, well, Wilson was kind of bad at relationships.
(FOREMAN exits.)
---
(In exam room one. WILSON is saying goodbye to a female patient.)
WILSON: Oh, and that's a lovely blouse you're wearing.
CAMERON: (bursts through the door) HOW COULD YOU!?
HOUSE: (from off-screen) WHORE!
WILSON: Cameron, I was just admiring her blouse.
CAMERON: Sure.
(CAMERON runs out of the room, crying. WILSON stands there, looking bewildered.)
---
(FOREMAN enters.)
FOREMAN: And so it continued for months. The entire hospital placed bets and exchanged gossip about the Wilson-Cameron drama. No one cared about diagnostics, so House went back to Stacy. Chase became a stay at home dad and did most of the work raising Cuddy and Wilson's baby, (said with a look of immense disgust) Stefano. I never really did much anyway, so I guess—
DAVID SHORE: (From off-screen) Get to the point!
FOREMAN: Then, one night, Cuddy was swabbing something—gotta prevent those dead-baby epidemics—and she came across a rather startling discovery…
(FOREMAN exits.)
---
(Cut to CUDDY standing in a dark room in PPTH.)
CUDDY: Sweet holy Jesus.
(She looks down and we see CAMERON, lying on the floor. There is a knife stabbed through her chest and blood pooling around her inert body.)
CUDDY: The janitorial staff is going to flip out.
(CUDDY exits.)
To be continued…
