"OH MY FUCKING GOD, HERMIONE!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" said Harry (he had just come back from quidditch pracitce, covered on mud).

"Jiggling my amoeba for Neville since he likes it so much." said Hermione.

"HARRY! YOU TOLD HERMIONE THAT OEMEBAS TURN ME ON! I'LL KILL YOU!!!"said Neville.

"Oh no you won't, biatch!" said Harry, and he jumped on his broom and flew up to the ceiling of the common room.

Neville grabbed a poker from next to the fireplace and jumped onto a table, trying to get at Harry.

"I think I'll go now. I've got nearly headless Nick's fucking deathday party to go to." said Ron's ghost. "Bye!"

"Bye Ron." said Hermione.

Harry made to fly to the opposite end of the common room, but Neville got the back of

Harry's broom with the fire poker and a few of the bristles fell out.

Then Harry got angry.

Very Angry.

"YOU BASTARD!!! HOW DARE YOU DING MY RIDE!!! YOU'RE A FUCKING PSYCHO, YOU KNOW THAT?!?!?!?!!!!" said Harry.

"I'm bored. I'm going to go and read a book. Call me if you need me, fucktards…" said Hermione.

She walked over to the common room bookshelf, got a nice big seventh-year textbook, and had to duck from a flying vase on her way to her favourite chair by the fireplace.

Harry and Neville were still trying to kill each other. Both of them were bleeding from the face. They were shouting alot.

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! WILL YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP!!?!?!?!!!" yelled Hermione. "I'M TRYING TO READ HERE!"

Hermione pulled her wand out of her robes and shot a "STUPEFY" at Harry and Nevilleand they both froze.

Hermione then decided to go and see Hagrid to b about Harry and Ron. She was walking across the grass when she ran into Draco.

"Hi, Draco." said Hermione.

"Hmph!" hmphed Draco.

"Fine! Be that way!" said Hermione, and she continued walking to Hagrid's hut.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! OH MY FING GOD!!!" said Hagrid.

"WHAT THE F HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR FACE HERMIONE?!?!?!!!

"I got some work done at the hospital wing. Do you like it?" said Hermione.

"Like it? I LOVE it! The colour SO goes with your shirt!!" said Hagrid rather excitedly.

"Why thankyou!" said Hermione. "But what happened to your hideous speech impairment?"

"I went to a speech therapist! Isn't that fab!?" said Hagrid.

"Finally!" said Hermione.

"I know, yeah?!" said Hagrid. "So would you like a cup of tea?"

"Nah, got any vodka?" said Hermione.

"No, sorry, fresh out. But I've got some flat coca-cola..." said Hagrid.

"That'll do." said Hermione.

"So... what did you come and see me for, girlfriend?" said Hagrid.

"Oh, I've come to b about Ron and Harry and everyone. Ron didn't like my new face so

I had to kill him. Sad really. I've got a plan to make his ghost jealous by flirting with Neville.

Apparently he gets turned on by amoebas." said Hermione.

"Him and me both!" said Hagrid. "I love the way your amoeba jiggles when you speak!"

"Ugh... I think I'll be leaving now, Hagrid." said Hermione.

"Aww... can't you stay a little bit longer? Please?" said Hagrid.

"No." said Hermione, and she got up from her chair and walked rather swiftly out of the door.

"Bye, dahling!" Hagrid shouted after her.

By the time Hermione got back to the castle, it was completely dark.

Suddenly, Harry and Neville jumped out of the bushes. They were still viciously fighting.

They had blood all over them. Or was it tomato sauce? Anyway, they jumped out of the bushes and fell on the ground next to Hermione. Neville was now trying to stab Harry's face with his wand.

"You guys are so stoopid! You've forgotten that you're both wizards. Well, one of you is." said Hermione.

"SHUDDUP!!!" shouted Harry, who was fighting off Neville with some sort of delicious shiny thing coming out of his wand.

"You are being so silly! said Hermione "Harry just apologise to Neville for f's sake!"

"Only if you give me two sickles!" said Harry.

"NEVILLE! Gimme two sickles, and make it quick!" Hermione said to Neville.

"FUCK AWF, 'ERMIONE!" screeched Neville.

Hermione sighed and jiggled her amoeba.

"Oooh..." said Neville completely frozen in some sort of trance, staring at Hermione's jiggling amoeba.

"Two sickles, Neville." commanded Hermione. "Now."

"Okey Dokey!" said Neville and passed two sickles out of his pocket to Hermione, who passed them too Harry.

"I'm sorry Neville, dahling." said Harry to Neville, widening his eyes and pouting trying to look cute.

"That's okay, dahling." said Neville.

"There, that's better!" said Hermione.

"TIME FOR DINNER!!!!!!!!!" screamed Harry, unexpectedly.