Why?

This is a scene that's been batting around in my head for a while. I personally identify with many of the emotions expressed within this ficlet, which is why I wrote it. I haven't decided how I want to resolve the story, or if I even want to continue it, but I am working through character issures at a pretty steady rate, so there is a small hope for the fic.
Background Info: Harry just tried to kill himself (shocking I know. That's only been the plot device of how many fics?) and was stopped by Snape. The following is a scene in Dumbeldore's office. You can assume Dumbeldore, Sirius, McGonagall and Snape are there.


"Harry, are you depressed?"

"Not really."

"Then why would you do something like this Harry?" Dumbeldore asked.

Harry could feel the ache well up again, making his voice hoarse as he answered. "Why? Because I'm dead inside. Because it hurts to live. It hurts to breathe, and feel, and get up in the morning. Because I feel like I'm completely hollow. Because I can't feel my own heart beating. Because whether I've eaten or not, I constantly feel like I need to vomit up whatever remains inside of me because of the pressure in the back of my throat. Because I've been waiting for the last ten years to be proven right, to prove that the emptiness inside me will never go away. I've given it so many chances and I know that's all I'll ever have here, and I know I won't be missing anything because nothing else exists for me. I've given it so many chances, and still this is all I have inside me. Because all I want is not to be anymore. And now I know I'm finally ready."

"Harry, we love you so much, how can you say that?"

"Sirius, this has nothing to do with how much you or anyone else loves me. It has to do with the fact that it's not enough. It has to do with the fact that I can't feel anything but a deep ache in my chest. And that's not your fault. There's nothing wrong with you, just me. I'm sorry."

"Harry, don't talk like that. I know you've had a hard time the last few years, but once you've had some time to recoup, you'll be back to normal. Just, please, promise me you won't try this again." Sirius implored.

Harry's face turned stony. "No."

Sirius stood, and began pacing in anger. "Harry, I don't know what to do with you. You won't even give me a chance to help you. I love you, but you're giving me no choice but to have you admitted to St. Mungo's."

Furry swept Harry's face as the words left his godfather's mouth. "How dare you," The words a strangled hiss. Glaring, he raised his voice, "How dare you threaten me like that. I'm sorry I can't be your perfect little godson! I've got problems, I admit it, and when I tell you what's going on you don't listen to a word I've said. You twist it around to- to- something you can deal with and manipulate me out of. You think that you can control me like some kind of puppet! 'I love you Harry. Don't talk like that Harry. Do what I say, feel what I want you to feel, act like I want you to act or I'll put you in St. Mungo's Harry.' You complete and utter manipulative bastard. You think that just because you show up once or twice a year to fulfill your godfatherly duties that you are given the right to control me? My thoughts? My feelings? Listen to me, all of you. Whether I live or not, this is through. I'm sick and tired of being told what to do. I've never had an ounce of control over my life, and now you've decided to do your best to take away control of my death. Well here's a clue, just incase you've missed the point of tonight. Nothing you can say, order, or spell me into will change anything that isn't external. This is how I am. This is how I feel. This is what I want. None of your orders will change that."

"Now you listen to me Sirius. I'll say this one time. I know how to cut people out of my life. I know how to erase and block out every sign of your existence from my self. I know how to hold a grudge, and I know how to hate for an eternity. Your manipulations, orders and illegitimate presumptions have lost you any chance you had with me. You are nothing to me. I give you no control or influence over me. One more ill advised move and I swear I'll hate you forever. And it'll be all your own fault. You're the one who forgot that real influence, real respect, and real love have to be earned. Starting emotions have to be re-enforced or they're not worth anything. I gave you your chances, but Sirius, you blew it."

"At the moment, you're about one square above the Dursleys. And frankly, I don't see anything you can do other than try to keep yourself from slipping any more." Harry sank into his chair still glaring at his godfather. "Now, I'd like for you to either sit in the corner and be quiet, or leave, I don't really care which."

Sirius was pale and shaken, furry long since drained from him, and an expression of numb horror had settled on his face. Rallying himself, he carefully moved over to the corner before sitting to warily watch the proceedings.

Harry's rage had subsided even as he spoke, and the last portion had been a statement of fact, delivered without emotion. Seated, he felt his remaining energy drain out of him, leaving a cool shell in place to deal with whatever else was thrown at him.

fin