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D/C: I don't own Slayers. I own only the plot of the story so take it and err....DIE! Muhahahahah!!! Oh yeah, the song is "Sell My Soul" by Our Lady Peace. And that's also not mine.:P

A/N: I am a frim believer that Xellos was never a human. I believe that he has always been a big black cone although I still wish he was human so for the point of this fanfic I went against what I usually believe in and wrote it as he was human.

I felt like explaining in my own twisted way why he's so messed up. I was thinking about all those fics that start off that he's a human and then taken away from home and just 'poof' he's a great mazoku, I doubted that's how one becomes so twisted by just being turned into a demon. He must have been abused somehow ne?

~*~*~*~

~How do you feel?
How do you hate?
How do you wake up
With the smile that's on your face?~


Xellos looked up at his master, his grin plastered to his face. She dismissed him and so he teleported himself to his room.

It had been over 200 years since he had become the killing machine he was known to be today. He learnt to be the best. In every way. It's true, he had to learn to be a mazoku for before he was ever the General/Priest of Zelas, he was a mer human boy, sold to the Beastmaster by his parents. After that day, after his freedom was sold away, he became cold, he didn't care either. And yet....there was always a part of him that still remembered his life as a human....

~Out on the moon
If I was an astronaut
Could I get back to you?~

He remembered things like his younger sister who his parents had sold to a whore house so they could buy more booze. Just to drink themselves to their graves. He could still remember what happened that day.

*flash back*

"Imouto-chan! Where are they bringing you!?" Xellos called out to his little sister as their father dragged her to the woman.

"Xellos! I don't wanna go!!! Xellos!!!" Her high pitched screams filled the air. Xellos watched from the house as the woman gave his father a leather bag with was the money to buy his sister.

Xellos ran out of the house as the woman slapped his sister across the face for crying. He leaped for her but just as his hand was to reach hers, his father stepped up and kneed Xellos in the stomach.

"Boy....you'll be sold next if you don't watch yourself!" His father growled and spat on him. Xellos rolled over just as his sister was tied up and placed on a horse to be rod back into town.

*End flash back*

~I'm out of my head
I'm out of excuses so I'm
Staring at the bed
It's you, it's you~

Xellos had a bleak expression on his face, his mind had left his shell to god knows where. He just stood there looking at his bed like he was a puppet with no puppet master. His mind had wandered again. This time to another part of his past. This one was of his training to be the demon he was now.

~I hold on, I hold on
(I can't let go)
And you don't know
How I feel~

*flash back*

"Xellos! You worthless bastard! I payed your parents good money for you! You're more of a headache to me then a bargain! You horrible piece of crap! I try to train you to live up to me! YOUR MASTER! You're a fucking waste of time and air!" Zelas cursed him out. This was part of his training. Mazoku had to be emotionless therefor if a human could hold out being abused in every way, then they were worthy of being of the mazoku race.

~Hold on, I hold on
(I'd sell my soul)
And you don't know
How I feel~

Every part of him wanted to break down. At first, he could stand his masters cursing but as he questioned his being, he wondered, maybe he really was worthless and maybe his parents were right to sell his pitiful self to Zelas.

~Losing my heart
Losing my pride~

She had chopped him down, what little self-esteem he had was breaking and burning. Just as Zelas raised her hand to slap him, Xellos lost it. He broke the emotional barrier.

Zelas hand came down upon his cheek in a hard swipe. She struck him good.

His face was turned away from his master. She wondered....was the boy crying, his shoulders shook his little frame but then.....a sadistic laugh was faintly heard from the boy.

He looked up at his master with a smile. Eyes closed.

~I'd burn initials in the sun
If it would shine~

He smiled his now well known smile to Zelas. He took her hand in his left hand and with her long and sharp claw-like nails he precede to cut his right wrist. The blood spued out of his arm as he cut himself deeper. He knew he was ready to become her Priest.

~I need a fresh start
I was in heaven
Until this world fell apart~

His human body clapped to the floor in a puddle of his own blood. He was ready to be reborn! He was ready to serve Zelas and to live out eternity as a mazoku.

*end flash back*

~Out on the run
Out on this empty space
Since all of this begun
I tried, I tried~

Xellos shook his head slowly. Just remembering those days made him feel cold inside and out. "Oh Xellos....You're just being stupid again. You're worthless and hopeless. You're a lost cause and a BASTARD! YOU DESERVE DEATH! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE IN MY PRESENCE!" Xellos mimicked Zelas. He did this sometimes to abuse himself for fun and other times was to make sure he was still the heartless bastard he was molded to be.

~I hold on, I hold on
(I can't let go)
And you don't know
How I feel
Hold on, I hold on
(I'd sell my soul)
And you don't know
How I feel~


"Why do I keep remembering the past!! Didn't you haunt me enough!?!" Xellos screamed to himself as he saw flashes of his sister and his parents. "Mazoku aren't s'posed to feel this way......we aren't s'posed to regret the past.....So why do?" Xellos murmured to himself. His eyes were open but a pain seemed to flood them.

~And nothing seems to heal
And nothing seems to work
And nothing is as beautiful~

"I don't want to be haunted by those dreams anymore! Why am I different from other mazoku!? Why do I feel these things!!?!?!?" Xellos screamed.

He was about to tear open his chest but then Zelas appeared. "I made you differently, Xellos....A mazoku who was first a human will always have feelings like regret and anger. But as you're different, you are stronger. You feel the things others don't so therefor you are better equipped. But you shouldn't be digging for those feelings either...." Zelas raised her brow.

Xellos stopped and though about her last sentence. Digging? Was he bringing out his own pain? Was it his fault for feeling like this?

~I'm old enough
To take all the blame
For all the mistakes~

"You still dwell on letting your sister being taken away. You think it's your fault for not saving her." Zelas added.

Xellos look up.

~All the games and all the faces
I'm bleeding by myself
And I'm okay~

"You're right. And She's gone and I'm still here.....tough luck for her." Xellos grinned. He pushed back those feelings for his master and regained his smile. As he placed the smile back to his face, the emotional barrier bled away whatever was left of his human feelings. He didn't care if human feelings made him stronger, he got rid of them all that day and he never looked back on his human life again.

~ hold on
And you don't know
How I feel~


~*~*~*~

I really have a twisted way of doing songfics....I always do depressing songs and always look into the dark side of a character. Maybe I'll have to do some for Lina, Gourry, Filia, Valgarv and Amelia next time around. But here's the hard part....How do you make a character like Gourry or Amelia seem messed up and dark and depressed!? I think I found a new challenge....