I am not alone. I know this; my friends and allies stand by my side, their unwavering courage giving me strength. But it's not the same for them. They are outsiders dragged into this fight; it's not personal for them. And once it's over, they can go home and move on with their lives. I don't have that luxury.
And what happens to them if my strength fails? They don't know the fear of seeing your possible future looming before you. They look at Dracula and see only an evil to be conquered. I look at him and wonder how long it will be until I'm on the other side of this fight. I don't trust myself. One day I'll bare my fangs, the darkness will overcome me, and it will drive them away. Maybe one day I'll be the monster my friends have to fight.
I think that's the thought that scares me the most. One day I'll look in the mirror and see my father where I should be. I don't want to hurt my friends. I don't want to cause the pain and destruction I saw him cause. They have such faith in me; they think I'm strong, I'm brave. I wish I could see it the way they do, to believe in myself the way they believe in me. But I can't.
I feel like he still controls me. I've tried so hard to disentangle myself from him, to believe he no longer dictates my actions. But I'm still controlled by the idea of him; everything I say or do or think has to be the opposite of him. He still controls me, because I have to try so hard to be unlike him. I can't give anyone reason to compare me to him. Every move I make, I have to wonder if I'm still playing into his games, if I'm doing what he's wanted of me all along. I know these doubts only serve to keep me from what needs to be done, but they plague me still.
I'm not afraid to face him. It's what I have to do. I know there's no way to save him; God knows I've tried. I know he can't do anything to me worse than what he's already done. What I fear goes deeper than that. I fear not being strong enough. If my courage fails me, if I freeze, it's over. He won't hesitate to tear me to pieces if he gets the chance. I can't afford to succumb to my doubts and fears. There's too much at stake. I have to be able to stand my ground. He's taken so much from me already, I must decide to draw the line. He'll take no more. I can't fail, because I have no other choice.
I can't focus on what the future holds. Let that come when it does. All that matters is this encounter. I have to do this. I have to go into it with a clear mind. I am not a monster, at least not yet. I've not succumbed to the darkness yet. For now, I can still be what my friends see in me. Perhaps with their strength, I can stand when my own fails. I may be the first line of defense against my father, but I am not the last. I have to have more faith in them.
I trust them more than I trust myself. Even if I fall in this fight, I know they won't. They'll have the courage that I lack. They'll be strong even if I'm weak. I love each and every one of them, more than I could ever express.
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I didn't expect to write more than the first bit published, but I guess I still had more to say than I thought originally. So… Yeah. This still isn't really a story, but whatever. I just needed this out of my head.
