From Square One
Summary: What if Naruto was accidentally given the Jounin exam and passed at the age of twelve?
Author's Note: This starts at stage 1 of the Chunin exams. The public has spoken. Some like chapter 1. Some said the test was too easy, and they're right. I'm going to make this story with my usual dose of crazy.
Chapter 2: Images that Burn
"Numbers 83 and 84, you failed!" Ibiki barked, the sound ninjas made their protests at being disqualified but Ibiki cut them off, "Answer to number 13 is not Mount Rushmore and Number 1 is not Ram-ram-ram-ram or I heart Ramen. You're dismissed."
The miffed test takers stormed out. Kabuto shrunk down as far as his desk would let him until his nose was level with the tabletop. He was here to gather information for the Great Orochimaru. He wasn't here to pick a fight. Even though he kept wondering if this Naruto Uzumaki was either a greater genius than the Uchiha or an absolute idiot. Sakura was humming happily knowing she passed. Sasuke tensed up so much that his stubby nails were making claw marks in the desk. Shikamaru buried his head his arms. All this tension was boring, the lazy ninja wanted a nap.
"Naruto Uzumaki you're wanted into the Jounin office immediately," Ibiki announced. Naruto felt his heart drop out the pit of his stomach.
"Uh-oh someone must've done something bad," Ino tattled.
"Shut up Ino-pig," Sakura shouted, "Don't worry Naruto it's nothing, eh-ha-ha." but her inner-Sakura screamed, "YEAH RIGHT! WE'RE DOOOOOOMED!"
Sasuke still sat there just as tense. He clung to his desk for dear life as if it was about to run away from him. Neji smirked in delight. Lee and Ten-ten were perplexed at Naruto's forced grin. Hinata though, patted Naruto comfortably on the shoulder. She figured since she didn't faint from Naruto holding her hands which she would've died with joy at that moment. It didn't hurt her to become a teensy more confident.
"What a drag," Shikamaru droned, "Stinks to be you right now huh?"
"You want the last potato chip," Chouji offered by way of comfort, to him the last potato chip was as valuable as the holy grail, scratch that, the last chip was priceless. Naruto waved his No-Thank-Yous. His legs felt like jelly and his stomach seemed to cave in on itself as he headed for the door.
"Naruto Uzumaki," Kakashi toned in his scariest voice, Naruto never heard that voice since the Genin exams but Kakashi then cheered, "Congratulations!"
"Huh?" Naruto shouted, he was really confused, he knew he failed the test. Even though the test was about the Entire History of Ramen, the only subject Naruto knew besides the Ninja Academy level lessons he bombed.
'Oh shoot!' Naruto mentally panicked, his mouth muscles twitched from the ache, he couldn't force his goofy farce anymore, 'I'm so doomed. I'll get kicked out of the ninja program and forced into some dead end job chasing Tora the cat! I hate that lousy stinkin' cat!'
"Congratulations, you just qualified for the Jounin test." Kakashi drawled as if he weren't making the biggest announcement of his young student's life.
"I'm what?" Naruto squeaked, he'd been hoping all his life for another step closer to being Hokage but now that the chance had come, Naruto suddenly felt like he wanted to run to his closet and hide. He hadn't felt that since he was a little kid who watched all the other adults treat him like he didn't exist.
"Maaaah, it's alright Naruto-kun," Kakashi answered, "You know I was just around your age when I first became a Jounin."
"Wait . . . You were?" Naruto gasped to which Kakashi smiled to the point that his dimples could be seen through the mask.
"Oh yes believe it or not I became a Jounin . . . Eh . . . When I was your age." Kakashi answered, the spell bound childlike look on Naruto's face was a blue eyed whammy. He never thought about the usual age for the Chuunin exams. He was basically 6 when he first became Chuunin. Iruka called that too young. Yes the dear academy teacher would probably die if he knew what Naruto got himself into again and this time no teammates to rescue him. He hated to watch such innocence get squashed but hey, that's the Shinobi Way.
"Wait a minute you were a kid?" Naruto gawked, "I thought you were born a book addict!"
Kakashi's lone eye blinked. He checked his Icha Icha book on more parenting advice against zingers. Sadly Erotica never features children. So once again Kakashi was at a loss on things not related to Ninja.
"Kaka-senseiiii," Naruto began to whine but Kakashi roughly ruffled his hair for what may be the last and final time.
"No Naruto, you are no longer my student," Kakashi scolded, "You are one step away from becoming my equal . . . Naruto. That means rules, paperwork, and the world of adults."
"Kaka-sensei I don't care!" Naruto quipped, not knowing how much his words were going to have an impact on himself more than anyone else, "I don't care about the complicated crud. I was an adult ever since I could remember. I never had the love of a childhood family. I had you, I had team 7. I'm a ninja now. The ninjas are my family."
Kakashi's face slackened in surprise before it went back to its same relaxed state. He knew there was a reason he liked Naruto. Other than any other obivious facts in his head. He ruffled Naruto's hair a second time. Now he knew how his father felt when he didn't want his only Hatake son growing up so fast.
"Well, still, you're always reading such boring stuff!" Naruto loudly piped up, thinking Kakashi was still going on about the book addict thing, "I mean what are you reading? Porn? You always giggle like a girl when you read it. What do the pictures look like huh? C'mon tell me!"
Kakashi nearly fell to the floor. He suddenly took Naruto by the shoulders and snuck him into a janitor's closet like a little kid holding his brother's scary magazine. He turned on the only light overhead and went to explain in hushed tones and shushed whispers. Naruto looked spellbindingly innocent to the scarring he just set himself up for.
"What intel I tell you never leaves this room." Kakashi lectured but his voice held a steely edge as he held up the book for Naruto to see, "This is Come Come Paradise."
Meanwhile back in the classroom. Ibiki had a whole lot of humble pie to swallow.
"Ahem, due to a mistake in paperwork," Ibiki muttered, he wasn't speaking loud enough, Anko elbowed hard in the gut to get him talking, "GAH, like I was trying to say Dang it. Naruto is participating in the Jounin exam now and since it takes three people to pass the chuniin exam. Due to special circumstances. Naruto is going to be temporarily replaced in the genin team by someone else."
"SAY WHAT?" the Genin all gasped.
"That's impossible," Neji sputtered, "That's against fate. He's a destined dead last!"
"He might just become your superior now Neji," Tenten scolded her teammate, "Get over yourself."
Rock Lee cried such manly cheesy tears. He enthusiastically pirouetted around the room declaring, "He is so youthful! In honor of Naruto's promotion. I shall perform the ballet of congratulations in your honor Sakura-san."
"Why are you telling me all this," Sakura whined at Lee more than anyone else, "I knew Naruto had lots of luck but this is ridiculous!"
"How!" Sasuke demanded angrily, "How the heck did he pass the written test!"
"He was given the wrong test and knew all the answers to it," Shino silently observed, "Isn't that how he passed . . . Uchiha-san?"
Sasuke was about to object but clamped his mouth shut. He had his own reasons.
"Dang that lucky idiot," said Kiba, "He's going up in places right Akamaru?"
"Yap," Akamaru barked laying comfortably on Kiba's head.
The Sand Sibs stood perplexed and flustered. Temari leaned on her elbow pretending to be amused when inside her thoughts were spinning out of control. Kankuro lost his control over his puppet making the extra "Procter" faint. Which sent scads of chuunin rushing in with a stretcher to escort the wooden dummy out. Kankuro never noticed his puppet going to sick bay; his brain shut down. Gaara for all intents and purposes folded his hands in front of his face while he thought up more people on his to-kill list.
'Are Konoha ninjas really all that good?' Temari thought to herself, 'Are they really all that?'
'This is bad,' Kakuro's brain finally registered, 'Is that idiot act just an act to hide that he's an advanced form of ninja. Only a genius can act that dumb right?'
'All the flavors of Ichiraku Ramen,' Gaara hissed resisting the urge to bang his head against the table or squish a pathetic being; squishy sounded better. 'Who in their right mind remembers everything off a lousy restaurant menu.'
"Way to go . . . Naruto." Hinata told herself.
Anko laughed her head off. It wasn't her idea to make the test subject, the History of Ramen(1). Ichiraku Ramen had been around ever since even before the Shodaime's wife sported wrinkles. Every Jounin was taught to look Underneath the Underneath. It was Ibiki's idea to make the written test over something stupid because he was tired of Jounins that never paid attention to the obvious. Now it was obvious Ibiki was never going to live down the mistake of passing the obvious Jounin exam over to a twelve year old child.
Where the next proctor for the Jounin exam expected some overly mature grade schooler, (much like a young Kakashi or Itachi) the Jounin found himself staring face to face with a loud child. Only the child wasn't so loud. He kept looking at the cover of Kakashi's book, blushing, and shoving his fist into his mouth. The proctor was about to greet Kakashi like usual. The village was pretty big even by village standards so, the Proctor never even recognized the fabled "Kyuubi Child.(2)"
"Oh wait is that . . ." The proctor began to point out.
Then the little Genin screamed, "Holy cow the images . . . The images THEY BUURRRRRRNNN!"
"Kakashi, what did you do?" The Proctor asked sullenly, "He looks white as a sheet."
"What, can't a Jounin sensei share something harmless with his pupil?" Kakashi innocently asked.
"Oh yeah sure," The Proctor scoffed, "Whenever you share something it's anything but harmless."
(1) That's where I got my idea. My Grandpa, when he was in the army, had been accidentally given the wrong test and when he came in, I'm guessing cadet, he passed and came out a captain. The test was also something really stupid at least by army or navy standards. It was also something my Grandpa knew very well. Hence the title. From Square 1.
(2) I got the idea after watching episode 190 featuring the character "The Eternal Genin." The two Jounin in that show didn't show the same familiarity as all the Chuniin in episode 1 of Naruto which actually mirrored a pretty true fact in any good sized town. That even in close knit communities, there are still those that haven't even worked with people close enough to actually learn it until they see it. Either that or people are more impressed by performance than by Reputation.
Further Note: Yes the chapter is extremely short but hey the reviewers of chapter 1 gave me my first round of constructive criticism. What'd you like to see on the test? Will Naruto ever remained scarred from Kakashi's book and Why is Sasuke acting strange? Stay tuned to find out.
