Chapter 1
I knock on Jane's apartment door. Anxious, I check my pocket for the package of travel tissues I remembered to bring. I hear the creaking of movement and hurried footsteps, a millisecond later Jane unlocks the door. "Hey there" She says easily and invites me in.
A surge of adrenaline courses through my body. Calm down, you trust her. Jane had already taken it upon herself to order us Chinese take-out. How thoughtful…and sweet.
I masterfully walk across the living room and into the kitchen to lay my things on the counter. I know her apartment like the back of my hand. Jane stands awkwardly by the couch, waiting for my lead. I just want to get this over and done with.
"Before I tell you this crucial, agonizing moment of my past, I have a couple stipulations you'll need to agree to." I feel like I'm free-falling into an infinite black hole. I mentally note the adrenaline-induced quickening of my heartbeat. "Maura, this isn't some business deal. I care about you and your past. Nothing is gonna change that." She looks slightly offended that I'm being reserved about this.
My eyes narrow, scrutinizing her. "I'm serious!" She continues, "I'm a vault. You can tell me anything." Her hands find mine, telling me I'm not alone. "Just don't judge me, okay?" I brace myself. "I promise." She nods her head, signaling for me to continue.
"I was fifteen attending school at Wexor Hayes Collegio for Girls. I didn't have any friends and I needed to study for an upcoming exam in my Anatomy and Physiology class. My favorite place to study was at the Café Le Paon two blocks from Wexor Hayes. I had been there multiple times to study in the warm Parisian sunlight." I begin slowly, guarded.
"So, you liked hanging out in Paris in the sunlight at a café, alright. Who wouldn't? I know that isn't what's eating at you, Maura." Jane is so simple about everything. You can't blame her, Maura. You haven't told her anything yet. I start fidgeting with my fingers; pulling on each Distal Phalanx segment of each finger.
"I went to go study at the Café and there happened to be a new waiter. He was charming and gorgeous and intelligent. We discussed Astronomical phenomena and he helped me study for my exam when his shift ended that night." "So, in other words, you like his bone structure." Jane cocks an eyebrow, knowing she is absolutely right. I grimace at her accuracy.
"I was intrigued by his wealth of knowledge. I told him his white brain mass must have resembled a jigsaw puzzle. He laughed at my joke, which was refreshing and alluring. He understood me in a way I had yet to discover. We discussed life and reasoning, the universe and time and I fell in love with him. He was the first person I had ever truly connected with on an intimate level." I pause again for emphasis and because I'm not accustomed to entrusting anyone with such emotional material.
Jane is watching me intently, waiting for the bombshell to explode- waiting for anything. "We had been dating for a couple months, but it was mainly casual. We had only kissed a handful of times. When we were together, rare as it was, we would mostly talk and debate theories each of us had. It was wonderful just to have someone to enjoy. My birthday was coming up and he asked me if he could take me out for dinner. I had to get permission from the Dean at Wexor Hayes for an extension of the nightly curfew. He agreed to my proposal because of my exceptional grades, attendance and citizenship. It was unheard of for a student under seventeen years of age to be granted permission to be late for curfew. The French are very strict."
If only Monsieur Senechal had denied my permission to go…maybe my fate would have been different. "He waited for me in front of the entrance to Wexor Hayes. I was so excited to be with him. I had spent a considerable amount of time preparing for tonight. He took me to Au Soleil Resto complete with a beautiful view of the Eiffel tower. He had champagne brought to the table and ordered us both pâté de foie gras, otherwise known as fattened goose liver- Extremely delicious and very expensive."
"Maura, I know what pâté is. Continue, please, I want to know what's got you so revved up about the fetus case." The thought of the case brings a wave of nausea over me. I can't do this. I shake my head, ready to give in to my fear. Cortisol is coursing through my veins, causing my blood pressure to rise further. Don't cry, at least not yet. Keep your composure, Maura.
"Okay, my mouth is shut. I won't interrupt again, promise." She holds up her arms in a symbolic "truce" fashion. I grit my teeth, which will likely compromise my dental heath, and decide to finish what I've started. Good air in, bad air out.
I nod in response and continue, "After a romantic dinner, he suggests we take a stroll by the Seine River. He commented on the beautiful night and I couldn't resist being alone with him. We wondered to the River bank and settled against each other in the sand. We sat there for a few minutes wrapped in a tight embrace. I wasn't ready. He wanted to have intercourse, but I told him I wasn't ready. He got angry, violent even. I should have yelled for help but it happened so fast. He was raping me and I couldn't fight back. I wasn't strong enough."
I have to stop and breathe. Jane's face is hard, her lips set in a deep line, her eyebrows furrowed. She grips my hand again, reassuring me. I take notice of my stuffy nose and irritated eyes.
I wipe the tears from my cheeks and start again, "I woke up face-down in moist sand. The river's current speeding past my ears, flooding them with a 'whooshing' sound. He left me there, lying on the river bank. I tried to stand up- to put myself back together, but it hurt too much. I counted to 30 and tried again, bracing myself for the pain. The seam connecting the straps to the body of my dress was ripped, irreparable. The second I stood up, I fell back down onto the sandy shore. I cried most of the night, not bothering to silence my loud sobs. When dawn broke, I went back to Wexon Hayes and back to my dormitory. It took me more than an hour to walk because of the excruciating pain I was in. He left me in a horrible state. Had it not been for my medical abilities, even at age fifteen, I would have had to have been admitted somewhere."
My breathing is uneven and shaky. Not even I want to evaluate my current mental state at the moment. I just want to finish my story so Jane will understand. And then I want to go home and drink the memory away. I want to run away.
"Maura, I'm so sorry…I-" I hold up a hand, "There's more." I say sulkily. "I began getting really sick and my moods were all over the place. I thought maybe I was experiencing PTSD, so I tried writing my feelings in a journal to help with my psychological wellbeing. Then I started gaining weight. I knew then what I had to do. I bought three of the most expensive pregnancy tests, just in case there was a problem with the first two. All three came back positive, so I set out to find the father. I wanted him to know."
Okay, Maura, you can do this. Jane has tears rolling down her cheeks. She doesn't heave or quiver; she just silently cries and listens to my memories. I am so lucky to have her as a best friend.
"Some hours later, I find him at the Café and tell him about the baby. He turned pale and told me to wait at the counter and that he was going to leave work immediately. He came back moments later and pulled me out of the Café by the crook of my arm, like he was reprimanding a child. I was humiliated. He made it very clear that I was going to undergo an abortion procedure. I was not to have this baby. He didn't love me. He made it very clear that I was alone and worthless and disgusting. The sad part is I honestly believed his accusations. He threatened my life, my family's lives, everything I held on to. I was scared of him."
"No, Maura, you didn't…" Jane takes a deep breath, indication of her surprise. "I felt I had no other choice. He had raped me, why would I think he wouldn't kill me? I was 9 and a half weeks along. I was fifteen, what was I supposed to do with an infant? I loved the baby already. I know it sounds foolish, but I did. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I took the life of my child, Jane. I ended the life of an innocent so that I, the guilty, could live. What kind of person am I?"
I bury my head in my hands and immediately feel Jane's comforting hand making circles on my back. "I'm such an awful person! How could I kill my own child? Jane, how could I?" I'm barely audible. "Shhh, Maura, everything will be okay. You're not an awful person, okay?" Her voice is huskier than normal, probably due to her blocked nasal cavities. I break down further into body-racking sobs.
"Whoa, hey, Maura, look at me." Jane pats my back now. I look up at her through watery eyes. "Maura, listen to me. You are a good person. No, actually, you're a great person. You're the best person I know. You are kind and generous and ridiculously smart. That guy was a jackass and if I ever cross paths with him, I will torture the living shit out of him. He deserves to rot. I'm so, so sorry, Maura. You didn't deserve that, no one deserves that. I'm here for you, okay? Any time at all; ever. I don't care what the circumstances are, Maura, I'm here." Her eyes are blazing, despite the tears.
"Thank you," is all I can manage to say in response. She wraps her arms around me and holds me while I cry. I feel the weight of my secret life lifted off of my shoulders. Metaphorically, of course- but I do feel better. I suppose that could be from the release of all of my pent up cortisol hormones.
"I'm here, I'm here. Shhh, Maura, it's gonna be okay. I'm here." Jane's voice is soft and comforting. She has no idea how much her friendship means to me. I would be beside myself if not for her. She's saved my life on more than one occasion and she never fails to be there for me.
I close my eyes and start drifting off to the sound of her repetitive soothing affirmations. I'm finally safe.
**Hey guys! Let me know what you think so far. I'm already working on Chapter 2, so it should be up soon! Feedback is my favorite part! Let me know if you have an idea or if you want to see something specific happen. Can't wait to hear what you guys think!**
