Our Fair Malfoys

Act III: Just Desserts

Stage brightens on the Malfoy dining table. The family is seated to a meal – Lucius at head of table, Draco at his right, Narcissa at left. Draco is singing a low ballad, unnoticed by his parents.

DM (Track Five: One More Formal Dinner)

"If I'm to endure

one more formal dinner, I'm sure

I shall go mad.

Stiff and scratchy

Shirts and such make for a truly

Unhappy lad."

He regards his mother intensely across the table. She returns the sultry look.

"How would she have me, then?

Without his

ever watchful eyes?

I'll tell you:

Naked save for sheets

And her thighs."

Narcissa sighs. Draco cuts eyes at Lucius, who gives his son a questioning brow.

LM

"Is everything alright, son?"

DM

"Yes, father. Fine, father."

LM

"You look somewhat tired, son."

DM

"Up late last night, father."

LM

"Well understood, son." Lucius' eyes slide meaningfully to Narcissa. She blushes.

"I was up late myself, rather."

Tempo increases. Music builds. Draco returns to his ignored song, no longer a ballad but a jazzy rhetoric.

DM

"Disgusting old lecher!

Doesn't appreciate her!

All he does is fuck her

And expect her to soften.

Happens too often.

I'm tired of it and thinkin'

Maybe what we need

Is a solid plan of action.

An intriguing machination

To remove him from his station –

To release the hold he holds within her."

Draco's eyes narrow. The stage darkens til just his countenance is lit menacingly. The music pauses, then fades into the original ballad.

"Before one more

Fucking formal dinner,

I'll just maybe

kill my father…"

Stage falls entirely into black. Lightens again on the upstairs. Narcissa sits before her vanity in a long red satin nightgown, brushing her hair and humming a reprise of Proper Sun. Lucius makes a grand show of undressing and putting on his pajamas in the background. H is Rogers and Hammerstein-esque power piece slowly drowns her hum.

LM (Track Six: Pursuit of Perfection)

"In all my days I've never seen

a more stunning human being

than you, my lovely wife.

Well…excepting me, of course,

But fie!"

He approaches her, touching her hair before pulling it roughly to make her face him.

"If you had spurned my pursuit,

or denied my wedding sooth,

Why, I think I might have…

Snapped."

He snaps his fingers and releases her, twirls toward the open window, sings into the night.

"But you, my fille,

take direction well,

and understand selection well.

You saw the same thing I did –

Absolute perfection."

He spins around a bed post and falls into the mattress. Propping on one elbow, he extends a hand to Narcissa. She rises and approaches him slowly. He continues singing.

"And we furthered that perfection

in our blissful procreation!

Draco is the culmination

Of the Malfoy name's duration.

And you can't deny his firm attraction."

Narcissa allows Lucius to tug her onto the bed. She picks up the song, stares at the ceiling as Lucius kisses her chest and neck.

NM

"Husband, I don't deny your statement.

Draco is my dragon perfect.

My eyes of silver,

Your hair of flax,

Beauty he shall never lack."

Lucius kisses down her body, chuckling as the stage darkens on all but her face. Narcissa looks completely apathetic and sings a slow, drumming aside.

NM

"Yes, my perfect Draco…

My charming, disarming dragon…

May your father never know

'tis your touch that I imagine."

Her face finally darkens as the window lights. There, in the shadows, Draco half emerges. He wears a half-buttoned oxford with sleeves rolled and a black fedora. He commences a Michael Jackson-influenced soft shoe on his amorous parents' balcony. The tune is that of 'Mack the Knife.' It is not Draco singing, but several peacocks perched on the balcony railing.

PEACOCKS (Track Seven: That Malfoy Boy)

"Oh, that Malfoy boy –

with his teeth straight –

and his wand just like

the darkened night."

Draco leaps onto the balcony railing and continues his dance. Peacocks continue singing.

"If he had wings he

might just be Icarus,

but he's cursed to be

Oedipus."

A crescendo. One peacock's clear voice rises above the others dramtically.

"And now a plan forms

beneath those silken locks

and we assure you it –

really ROCKS!"

Drums and cymbals crashing. Draco swings around a trellis to his own balcony and dances there. The peacocks offer choral accompaniment.

PEACOCKS

"Soon that boy will be

the man of this great house

but not by acting

like a mouse."

Draco leaps to the balcony floor and moonwalks into his room. He twirls, cocks his fedora, and pulls his wand from his sleeve. A wave of it pops open a drawer in a large chiffarobe, and Draco smoothly extracts an elaborate crystal bottle. The peacocks perch on his balcony now, watching him and still singing.

"That potion in his hands

will end his troubled mind,

and the life of

another maaaan.

The Malfoy boy will have

What he wants most and that's

The wife of

Another maaaan."

The song's climax sees Draco smirking and undressing, preparing for bed amidst a flurry of drums and trumpets. Peacocks finish their song while Draco slides the bottle into his pillow.

"That Malfoy boy will be

his mother's bread and butter!

All it takes is

A little muuuuurder!"

A final flourish and the stage goes black.

Act IV: Don't Stop Dancing

Narcissa bathes in a garden tub piled high with dense bubbles. Her hair is piled atop her head and her lips are a deep red. The music is modern techno, almost industrial. She is half singing, half rapping.

NM (Track Eight: Not this Witch)

"He thinks he can

manipulate me.

Thinks he can

Subjugate me

Till I'm numbed to the switch?

Fuck that –

Not this witch.

My husband

Thinks me daft.

Thinks I'll bow

And kiss his ass

Like a tamed, trained bitch?

Fuck that –

Not this witch."

She snaps her fingers. An elf in a blonde wig and glittery tea towel appears, holding out a large, red towel. As Narcissa leaves her bath – bubbles obscuring her nudity – she continues snapping to the beat. A similar elf appears each time she snaps and soon, they are her backup dancers. The music shifts to a driving tempo, rock guitar joins the techno groove.

NM

"This witch found the only

solution to the lonely

in the arms of a newbie –

her sweet and gentle boy.

This witch got fed up with

Waking up in bed with

Her old , dried up mistake –

The dance pauses and Narcissa speaks this line directly to the audience.

But, oh – she won't break."

The elves commence break-dancing around her. Two of them lift Narcissa, carrying her to her bedroom. She sings as they rush her to a sheer dressing screen.

"Not this witch!

Oh no – not this witch.

She's embracing a new lover,

And embracing the word 'bitch.'

Behind the screen, Narcissa dresses. The audience sees just the shadow of her naked body. She dances as clothing is pulled over the screen and onto her body. She emerges in a long, clinging silver dress with high slits up each thigh. Her elves pop and lock behind her.

"Not this witch!

Oh no – not this witch.

She's hatching an escape plan

And looking for an axe man."

Suddenly, Draco sweeps into her room and pulls her against him. They begin to dance a la 'Dirty Dancing,' elves pairing off behind them. Draco joins the song, tempo slows to a sultry beat.

DM

"Did you say 'axe man?'"

NM

"I did."

Draco dips her, then lifts her leg onto his hip.

DM

"Perhaps its time we discussed that plan?"

NM

"What plan?"

DM

"The one wherein we kill a man."

Music stops abruptly. Narcissa twirls away. Elves disappear in loud pops. She regards him from a few feet away, breathing heavily. Music begins slow – with a reggae, island feel. Steel drums and marimba. Think 'The Little Mermaid'…

NM (Track Nine: Kill the Man)

"Draco watch out!

That kinda talk is dangerous."

DM

"Mum I know that.

I've given this a lot of thought.

But the facts are there

You're sad and in despair,

So come on and

Kill the man."

NM

"Son, I love that

I'm foremost in your every thought.

But if we're found out

It stands without a doubt

We'll go to

Azkaban!"

Several peacocks linger on Narcissa's balcony. Their harmonious voices drift in on the breeze.

PEACOCKS

"La la la la la la come on now!

You'll be together now!

Go on and

Kill the man!"

Draco and Narcissa begin to dance a formal waltz to the singing. The elves pop back one by one, joining in with the peacock chorus.

ELVES

"Whoa-oh! La la la la la la do it now!

It can be painless now!

Come on and

Kill the man!"

DM

"He's a bastard, mum

and now you've got your son.

Come on, let's

Kill the man."

NM

"I know he's a jerk,

but could it really work

if we were to

kill the man?"

ELVES/PEACOCKS

"La la la la la la don't look back!

The knife is in his back!

Go on, now

Kill the man!

Woah-oh! Sha na na na na na!

He's a git

Who won't be really missed!

Come on and

Kill the man!"

DM (shrugging)

"They have a point, mum…

What do we lose if we try?

So long as he just dies –

Come on, let's

Kill the guy!"

Peacocks and elves continue to serenade the Malfoys. They dance onto the balcony. In the moonlight, Narcissa touches Draco's face. He looks down at her, leaning in for a kiss. She stops his lips with her fingers. Elves and peacocks drop to low timbres. Music slows.

NM

"Hush now, Draco.

You've got me convinced –

I'm sliding off the fence.

Let's try to

Kill the man."

They kiss at last. Peacocks and elves resume their high timbre. Music builds and the couple dances again as the scene fades to black.

AN: Shanks to Michael Jackson, Madonna, Bobby Darin, Rex Harrison and Disney's The Little Mermaid for inspiration. Acts V and VI on the way...our musical adventure comes to an end. Thanks for jumping on board the crazy train. And yes, elves are prefectly capable of popping and locking.