AN: Editing this and the next chapter to break up huge paragraphs! Thank you to Featherfall's Lullaby for the suggestion!
The first thing I ever saw was the face of another tom, bright silver eyes wide and whiskers nearly touching mine. I squeaked (in a dignified manner, of course) and leaped away, nearly falling over. The tom jumped as well, looking even more afraid than I, and backed away. His eyes were so wide and bright that I thought they must be the 'moon' I'd heard my mother speak of a few times before. Funny, I didn't know there were two of them.
The tom's name was Willowkit, I soon discovered. He'd opened his eyes before anyone else, and was quite lonely since the both of us were single-kit litters. I'd heard my mother mutter once that one kit in a litter was bad luck, and I told my new friend as such. He told me his mother had said it was good luck, and that my mother was probably stupid. I hesitantly agreed.
My new friend was very interesting. He didn't look like most other cats; he was as tall as the trees I could see from the nursery, and as thin as the branches on them. His eyes, which I had since learned were not the moon, were the colour of the stars at night, although they didn't glow as brightly. He was jumpy and squeaky, he shook like he was always cold even when he wasn't, and he had a funny way of speaking where he'd restart a word or even the entire sentence over and over. He was unique.
I decided that I liked him the best out of every other cat, even the bright orange one who visited me sometimes and said he was my father.
Willowkit and I were inseparable as we grew older. He was the only one who would listen to me about my vivid dreams; I dreamt of running through fields, climbing huge, cold rocks that were so tall they went past the clouds, of the biggest stretches of water imaginable and the deepest ravines. It was the outside world, I knew. Outside of the stuffy nursery and closed-in camp, away from the watchful stares of the older cats. I wanted to go there someday soon. Willowkit didn't want to go anywhere at all, though, so I stayed behind just to make him happy.
After all, he'd be lonely without me. I was the only one who didn't get mad when he freaked out over a little thing and would curl up on himself and wail, or freeze up and shake like he'd been dipped into ice water. I just sat beside him and told him about my dreams, or about something I'd seen happen outside the nursery earlier, and eventually he'd calm down and start talking too. We never discussed his freakouts; I think he was embarrassed about them. That was fine with me.
Willowkit's mother, Brightfur, was a nice cat. She looked a lot like him, although her eyes were darker and her frame was thicker than his. She smiled and would tell us a few stories if we asked really politely. I told her once that I wished she was my mother, but she frowned and told me that was bad. I didn't understand, but I didn't push it further. I'd long since learned not to argue with cats who went by the title 'mother.'
My own mother, a gigantic blue cat with mean eyes and a meaner scowl, wasn't nearly as kind as Willowkit's. She hated my dreams, hated my games, hated my best friend. Sometimes, I thought she even hated me, but Willowkit told me that was impossible since she was a mother, and mothers always loved their kits.
The only other cat in the nursery was Amber, who was the colour of the dead leaves that were falling from the trees lately. She was really quiet and looked sad most of the time, but she had the most fantastic stories I'd ever heard. I liked her a lot, even though she was the fattest cat I'd ever seen in my life. She told me about all of the places I dreamed about and then some.
Three moons into my life I found out why Amber was so fat; she'd been pregnant. The new kits were tiny, even smaller than me, and they looked really funny with their ears and eyes all squeezed shut. Willowkit and I giggled and tried to mock them until my mother came up and gave me a good cuff to the ear.
Then, we ran outside. It'd just rained, and the soft earth was full of so many puddles that we were both drenched barely five steps into our walk. Willowkit kept whining about how deep they were, how I was going to fall in and drown since I was so small, so just to shut him up I stopped and sat down.
It took me an embarrassingly long amount of time just sitting there until I realized that the puddles were sort of strange. Curious, I leaned over and peeked into one of them; it was full of trees and sky just like what was around me. I noticed a cat was also peeking out of it, and the closer I leaned towards it, the closer it got to me. The cat was small, all black with a few grey spots here and there. It had big amber eyes, just like my mother's.
I wrinkled my nose and decided this cat was pretty ugly, until I realized with a start that the cat was me, that I was looking at myself in a reflection. When Willowkit and I went back to the nursery it was all I could think about. I didn't like how I looked; I was all dark and stocky while Willowkit was tall and light. I asked him about it, but he told me I looked just fine and that I needed to go to sleep already, so I shut up and did what he said, pleased with his answer.
Four moons and half of another into our lives, Willowkit and I sat outside the nursery and stared at the stars, huddled together against the chilling cold of leafbare. A moon and a half until we would be apprenticed, trained to hunt and fight, and eventually would become warriors who served our clan with pride and loyalty. To me, that sounded incredibly stupid. Pride and loyalty over what? I wasn't sure what was wrong with this place, or what was wrong with me, but the whole idea of becoming a warrior was grossly unappealing to me. I didn't want to spend my entire life trapped here, taking care of others. I wanted to be free, running through all of the places I still saw in my dreams.
"Hey. D'you think we could-" I started, tilting my head towards Willowkit's. I saw him frown before I'd even gotten two words out.
"N-no. We're not l-leaving, Batkit." He said, as firmly as his wobbly voice would allow. I sighed and let my head drop, scowling at my paws.
I didn't understand why Willowkit wanted to stay so badly! He'd told me it was because he liked it here, that it was safe and warm and besides, he couldn't just leave his mother behind! It just didn't make any sense. This place was about as warm and safe to me as a badger's den. Who cared about our mothers? They'd be fine. I was sure my mother would be, at the very least. She seemed eager to be rid of me.
"I hate this place." I commented idly, still staring at my dark paws, which stood out starkly against the thin powdering of snow beneath them. Willowkit didn't say anything else, so I took it as a sign to continue.
"It's stupid! Warriors are so dumb. I don't want to fight, I want to run. We're not allowed to run, how stupid is that?" I implored, trying to get him to look at me. He was stubbornly refusing, his tail twitching around in the snow behind him. I scowled.
"Come on! Doesn't it make you mad? They all look at us like we're stupid and broken!" At the last word I hopped up, fur bushed out. "Just 'cause I'm small and you shake! Who cares? I bet they're just jealous!"
Willowkit still didn't break his gaze from the sky, and I couldn't force myself into his vision due to our rather unfortunate height gap.
"Willowkit! Ugh! Pebblepaw and Hawkpaw think we're both stupid, y'know that?! Hawkpaw called me 'gay'! I don't even know what that is!" I was yelling now, in all of my kittish rage, just spewing out whatever I could think of recently that had gotten on my nerves. "And my mom keeps looking at me like someone just dragged me out of the dirtplace! And... and Amber's kits are annoying! They never shut up! I hate it here!"
Burnt out, I flopped back down and pressed my face into Willowkit's shoulder, shaking almost as much as he did most of the time. He finally dropped his gaze to rest his chin gently on my head.
This was how we worked; when I got so mad I couldn't function, he would let me do this, and I'd do the same for his freak outs. After a few minutes, I drew my face away, embarrassed. He gave me his funny, crooked little smile, and we both tip-toed back into the nursery to sleep. Unfortunately, it looked like I was going to be stuck here for the time being.
Five moons into our lives, I was antsier than ever. If we waited any longer to leave, we'd be apprenticed and then we'd really be trapped! I kept bringing it up to Willowkit, but he just kept shooting me down.
Bitter, I'd taken to sitting with Amber while her kits ran around me squealing and telling her about all my problems. She'd listen, nod every so often. She never said much, but I didn't mind. It just left me with more room to talk. Eventually, her annoying kits became too much and I'd leave, to drag Willowkit off on another 'adventure' or to pester Hawkpaw and Pebblepaw about what the world outside camp looked like. Willowkit was taking a nap right now, so it looked like I was going with the latter.
Finding Hawkpaw was fairly easy; she was a decent-sized cat, and her dark grey pelt stood out against the snow littered around camp. I padded up to her, head lifted high. She sat up and nudged away the squirrel she'd been eating just so she could scowl at me better.
"Hi." I said, in my best attempt at polite. Judging by the narrowing of her eyes, I decided I needed to work on that tone.
"Piss off, Gaykit. I'm eating." She hissed. I frowned at that, feeling frustration begin to bubble up in my chest.
"It's Batkit! What does 'gay' even mean?!" Her and her brother, Pebblepaw, had been calling me Gaykit for two moons now, but they refused to tell me what it meant. So did my mother, Willowkit's mother, and Amber. I didn't know who else to even ask!
Hawkpaw just laughed and shoved me away with one paw, nearly knocking me over. "You'll figure it out someday, dumbass. Until then, leave me alone." I stood up and fluffed my fur out at her, giving the she-cat the worst glare I had. She didn't seem to care much, so I gave up with a loud sigh and padded away, doing my best to look dignified even when one of my paws slipped on a little patch of ice and I nearly faceplanted. So much for stories; I had a new goal in mind. Figure out what 'gay' meant.
Almost the entire day had gone by and it was still hopeless. I'd asked Pebblepaw and Specklepaw; Pebblepaw had sheepishly admitted that he didn't actually know, either. Specklepaw did, but he thought it was hilarious that we didn't, so he wouldn't tell either of us. My mother had been sleeping when I went to ask, and Brightfur pretended she didn't hear me when I questioned her. Amber didn't seem to know what it was either, so she wasn't much help.
"Ugh!" I spat, plopping my rump down beside Willowkit, who was taking apart a moss ball carefully. "No one knows what gay is!"
He looked up at me, face the same expression of general fear and discomfort that it always was. "O-Oh. It means a tom l-liking another tom." He stammered out, turning back to his mossball. I gaped at him. He knew?! All this time?! I hadn't even thought to ask!
Too overjoyed to be angry, I gave him a quick lick to the nose as appreciation for this new information and sped off, paws making tiny, scattered prints in the snow all the way to the apprentice's den, where I stopped and peeked inside. Empty.
Turning away, I let my gaze travel slowly across camp. It was a small affair, a bunch of woven dens tossed into a small clearing. It was surrounded by sick-looking trees that twisted around over it and gave it a feeling of being closed-off from the rest of the forest. I hated it, found it impossibly suffocating, but now was not the time to think about that.
My line of sight focused on a dark grey she-cat, crouched and ready to pounce on a lighter grey tom. Hawkpaw and Pebblepaw! I scrambled to my feet and darted over to them, my mouth already open to announce what I'd learned.
"Gay is a tom liking another tom!" I exclaimed, coming to an abrupt stop a few whiskerlengths from Hawkpaw's side. She had turned to glare at me but her cobalt gaze widened when she heard what I had to say. I grinned, looking between her and Pebblepaw, who mostly just looked relieved to finally know what it was.
"Took you long enough, moron." Hawkpaw muttered, sitting up fully from her crouch. I was uncomfortably reminded of her size; she was almost a full two heads taller, and she wasn't even that big. I was just a runt. Feeling some of my excitement drain away, I mimicked her and sat down as well, curling my tail around my paws like Willowkit always did because I thought it looked pretty cool.
"So? What do you want, Gaykit?" She still hadn't given up the nickname, it seemed. Ugh.
"You have to tell me about the territory now!" I demanded. "You said you wouldn't until I figured out what gay meant. Well, here I am." I gave her my smuggest smirk, and could see in the shifting of her face into an irritated frown that I'd done it right.
"Piss off. I'm busy. We have actual responsibilities, y'know." She hissed, her claws kneading the hard earth beneath her paws.
"Don't care. You owe me a story, and a good one." I lifted my chin to show her I couldn't care less about her stupid apprentice duties. She huffed.
"They're important! We change bedding, and help the elders, and we hunt and fight just like a warrior does!" She stood up then, animated, eyes blazing as she told me a bunch of boring stuff I already knew.
Deciding to show her just how much I cared, I opened my mouth wide in a fake yawn and began to groom myself. The hiss of frustration that left Hawkpaw's mouth was music to my ears, but my fun was interrupted by a heavy set of paws behind me.
I lifted my head up and turned to look, and ended up lifting it a whole hell of a lot higher than I'd anticipated when I locked gazes with the biggest black tom I'd ever seen in my life. His cold blue eyes passed over me like I was a piece of freshkill that had gone bad and landed on Hawkpaw. I shrunk away, taking a few nervous steps backwards and practically hiding behind Pebblepaw.
This was our leader, Nightstar. I didn't like him. He reminded me of my mother, except where her eyes were unbreakable ice with no emotion, his were a whirling storm barely hidden by the thinnest sheet of ice imaginable. He gave me horrible vibes; made my stomach clench and my eyes widen. I didn't trust him as far as I could throw him.
"Hawkpaw, Pebblepaw. Get to bed. It's late." The sentence was simple, but his voice was deep and cold and he made everything he said sound like a threat. My stomach was tumbling around like nobody's business, and I swore my heart was in my throat. I wondered briefly if this was how Willowkit felt all the time, but was interrupted by Nightstar's gaze landing on me and staying this time. I froze, eyes as wide as the moon itself.
"You too, kit. You shouldn't even be out this far." The tinge of disgust in his voice, the way his tail lashed a bit, his crazy eyes on my own. It was all too much. I squeaked out something unintellible and scrambled to my paws, nearly stepping on Pebblepaw's tail as I literally ran all the way back to the nursery and slammed straight into Willowkit.
He let out a screech of surprise and we tumbled down together, where I pressed my face into his shoulder and stayed there. After a few long seconds of hammering hearts and lost breath, I felt his tongue around my ears and began to relax.
"I don't like Nightstar." I mumbled, beginning to feel sleepy as I pressed my head up against Willowkit. He looked confused, but didn't say anything to disagree with me. "He's... he's gay." I said finally, deeming this a worthy insult in my tired mind as my friend's grooming put me to sleep.
