THE LEGEND OF ZELDA OCARINA OF TIME PT: II
CHAPTER 2- SCREAMING TESTICLES
Zack: We should equip ourselves before we leave…
Gozz: Yeah.
Mido runs up to them
Zack: So how's it feel to get run over by a tricycle?
Mido: Shutup punk! You've got a lot of explaining to do!
Zack: Explaining?
Mido: The Great Deku Tree is dead! You killed him!
Zack: No I didn't. He was cursed.
Mido: Cursed? Hah! Here that guys? Little Zack believes in magic!
3 of Mido's buddies walk over
Flunky 1: Hahaha! What a child!
Flunky 2: He's so gullible! Probably reads Harry Potter books!
Flunky 3: He probably thinks he is Harry Potter!
They all laugh
Zack: I don't have time to talk to Mido's slaves. We're leaving.
Mido: I don't think so. Do you know the penalty for murder?
Zack: It doesn't matter. I didn't kill anyone!
Gozz: It's true!
Mido: Ha! Like were gonna believe a thief!
Zelda: It is true! The Great Deku Tree was cursed by Ganondorf!
Mido: Outsider! Leave and take your lies with you!
Flunkie1: Yeah get outta hear!
Flunky 2: Scram!
Flunky 3: Beat it!
Zack: I can prove it. Look. He holds up the Kokiri Emerald He gave this to me before he died.
Mido: You stole from the Great Deku Tree!? How dare you? You've already committed murder and now you steal from the victim? Who do you think you are?
Zelda: Please leave us alone. We didn't do anything wrong.
Mido: Lies! All lies! Boys, get them!
Link: Stop! He walks over I vouch for Zelda! She speaks the truth!
Mido: No one cares who you vouch for! You're all going to be severely punished!
Zack: Shutup! He stabs Mido in the leg
Mido: AHHH! He falls over
Flunkies: Boss! They crowd around him
Gozz: Now's are chance! Run!
They run to the other shop
Shop owner: Hello how may I help you?
Zack: Get me a bomb bag, 20 bombs, and 3 pouches of Deku Seeds
Shop owner: Your total is 93 rupees.
Zack: oh crap… He searches his wallet and puts 50 rupees on the counter Yo Gozz! Got any cash?
Gozz: I got 15 I robbed off some hobo… He puts his 3 blue rupees on the counter
Oh Zelda…
Zelda: What?
Gozz: Need some cash…
Zelda: No! I'd never give my money to a jerk like you.
Gozz: Okay den… He knocks her out and searches her purse
Zack: How much?
Gozz: She has 2 cents…
Shop Owner: I still need 28 more rupees…
Zack: Link!
Zack: Need some dough.
Link: Umm let me see hear… He searches his wallet Hey where'd my rupees go?
Gozz: I have no idea…
He and Zack grin
Gozz: Hold on a sec… He leaves and runs into Mido's house
He sees Mido's stash and he takes it and heads back to the shop
Deku Shrub: Move it buster! She shoves by Zack and gets some deku nuts
Gozz: Back!
Zack: Finally! What's that?
Gozz pulls out Mido's piggybank and dumps some rupees on the counter
Zack: Count it yourself. Were leaving. They leave
Link: Hey you're heading to the exit of the forest. Where are you going?
Zelda: I'm taking them to Hyrule for a special job. Wanna come?
Link: If I don't then who will protect you? Count me in.
Zelda: The more the merrier!
They leave the forest and end up on a bridge
Zack: Hey what's this? He picks a strange instrument off the ground
Zelda: It looks like an ocarina.
Zack: Oca-who?
Zelda: It's an instrument! You make music with it!
Zack blows a short note on it
Zelda: No! Don't do that!
Zack: I thought you were supposed to make music on it.
Zelda: You do. But… She shivers
Gozz: But…
Zelda: It could have cooties!
Zack: I'll take the risk. He pockets it and they walk out of the forest
Gozz: So…where are we?
Zelda: Were in Hyrule field. We need to get to Hyrule Castle.
Zack scans the horizon
Zack: I don't see any castle
Zelda: It's a ways down this road. Follow me.
???: Hoot hoot hoo!
Gozz: Where the heck? Who said that?
???: Hoot hoot hoo! I see you!
Zack: There! He points up into a tree
They see a an enormous owl perched in a tree
Gozz: That's one big ass owl!
Owl: Hoot hoot hoo! I see you! Do you want to hear what I said again?
Zack: Not really.
They keep walking
Owl: Hoot hoot hoo! I see you! It flies after them Do you want to hear what I said again?
Gozz: No we don't. Get outta hear!
Owl: Hoot hoo hoo! I see you! Do you want to…
Gozz: That's it! He shoots a deku seed into its face
Zack: BAM! Right in the beak!
Owl: Hooters…It falls dead at their feet
Zelda: How could you? That owl had done nothing wrong!
Gozz: It was annoying as hell!
Link: So rude and violent! Such ignorance toward nature!
Zack: It's getting dark. We should camp here and make a fire.
Gozz: M'kay. He farts, starting a fire
Zack: Wowzerz! How'd you do that?
Gozz: You should see me burp…
Zelda: That's it! She storms off
Gozz: What's her problem?
Zack: She's just jealous…
Gozz: Probably… Boy am I hungry.
Zack: I know what's on the menu tonight!
Navi: You don't mean!!!
Zack & Gozz: Owl stew!
Link: Absolutely not! I will not stand for this!
Zack: What does it matter? He's dead.
Link: HE? HE? You don't even know if it's a he! You never asked him or got to know him. You just killed it because it followed you! You are the lowest beings on this planet!
Zack: Whoa don't drag me into this.
Link: Drag you in? You're even lower! You didn't raise a finger to stop him. You just go "Bam, right in the beak!" and chuckle away!
Zack: Nobody "chuckled"
Link: You are an embarrassment to humanity! I hope you enjoy your chuckles while you can because one day your gonna get stabbed in the back!
A skeleton rises out of the ground behind him and stabs him with a spear
Link: AUGH! He falls over
Zelda: AEI!!!! She goes running past them COOTIES!!!
Zack: What the hell's going on?
Dozens of more skeletons pop up
Gozz: Take Link not us!
The skeletons grab Link and do "things" with him
Link: Where are you putting that? AHHH! OH GOD!!! Get that out of my…gag choke
Zack: We'd better get out of here! He and Gozz haul ass after Zelda
Gozz: Do you even know where were going?
Zack: Of course! She's just up ahead!
Gozz: That's a wall!
Zack: This way! He makes a sharp turn and falls down a hole Oof!
Gozz: Nice.
Zack get's up and dusts himself off
Zack: Hey check this out.
Gozz hops down
Gozz: A waterfall?
They're in some sort of underground temple with a large tablet and waterfall in the center
Zack: I wonder who built this place.
Navi: This is the work of fairies!
Zack: Really? Thanks.
Navi: I'm serious! See that tablet by the waterfall? There'll be music notes engraved on it. Playing that song will summon a Great Fairy.
Zack: Why would I want to do that?
Navi: It'll summon a great fairy!
Zack: What's so great about fairies?
Gozz: Let's try it. See if she's lying.
Navi: Fairies don't lie!
Zack walks over and looks at the tablet
Navi: Well?
Zack: I can't read music.
Navi: I'll read you the notes.
Zack: I can't play music either.
Gozz: Just try.
Zack: Okay. Here it goes. He plays a screeching, hell of a note that could wake the dead
Gozz: My ears! He clamps his hands over his ears
???: WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO PLAY?
An enormous, ugly fairy comes flying out of the waterfall
Zack: Nobody. It's my first time.
Fairy: An aura of evil surrounds you! She points at Zack
Zack: I love you too…
Fairy: Yes…Quite an evil aura indeed…
Gozz: What about me?
Fairy: UGH! Your mind is dirtier then the Hulk's underwear!
Gozz: Oh yeah? Your bust is faker then WWE Wrestling!
Fairy: HOW DARE YOU?!
Zack: Can't we all just get along and make babies?
Fairy: Oh. A funny guy. So tell me funny guy, you're from the forest aren't you?
Zack: Yeah.
Fairy: Where is your fairy companion?
Zack: She's in a safe place.
Navi: Save me Queeny! She rattles in her bottle
Fairy: Release that innocent fairy!
Zack: What's in it for me?
Fairy: How about some magic powers?
Zack: Magic? Right…
Fairy: You doubt me?
Zack: Yeah. You have an aura of a scam artist…
Fairy: You want proof? Here! Take all the magic you can! She surrounds him in a green aura
Gozz: Me too!
The fairy covers Gozz in green
The light fades
Fairy: Well?
Zack: KA…ME…HA…ME…..HAAAAAAA!!!He aims his hands at the Fairy
A puff of smoke comes out
Gozz: Amazing!
Fairy: It takes time to develop. You won't be blasting people away anytime soon.
Zack: Liar! You made that smoke yourself!
Fairy: You mortals dare challenge me? Is this your way of thanking me for bestowing you with a gift so valuable that the gods themselves…
They leave while she's talking
Zack: What a waste of time. Let's look for Hyrule.
After a while, they reach Hyrule Castle and walk inside the market
Zack: Not bad! What should we check out first?
Gozz: The One-Stop Shop.
They walk into the shop
A bell dings and the manager and a janitor look up
Manager: Who let the little tykes in?
Janitor: Scram children! Were busy!
Zack: You don't look busy. You're not even sweeping Mr. Janitor.
The Janitor puffs out his chest
Janitor: Janitor? I'm head custodian! Soon to be Captain of Cleaning!
Zack: Wow. Shoot for the stars why don't you. Get back to work.
Janitor: I'm done!
Gozz: You missed a spot. He kicks a shelf of jars and glasses and it starts to tip over
Manager: Catch it Tony!
The janitor runs forward to catch it
Tony: I got it! He manages to stop it from falling
Manager: Good job!
Gozz: Missed a spot. He kicks over a bucket of oil
It leaks over to Tony
Tony: No! I'm slipping!
Manager: Don't drop it!
Tony: AEI! He slips and the shelf falls making jars and glasses shatter and drip goop
Tony: Noo…
Manager: YOU'RE FIRED!!!
Zack: See you Captain Clean.
Tony sobs as two guards drag him out
Manager: What do you brats want?!
Gozz: I want THAT! He points to a big steel shield
Shop Owner: Bwahaha! That's a Hylian Shield. It's tough for grown men like me, the brave Gemma, to use. You couldn't lift that thing in a million years! Besides! It costs 80 rupees. You can't afford it!
Zack: What kind of manager insults his customers? If we don't buy stuff you go out of business. Show some respect.
Gemma: After you ruined my floor and fired Tony?! I think not.
Zack: I didn't fire Tony. You did.
Gemma: Don't give me lip punk. Either buy something or leave.
Gozz: You won't let us buy anything!
Gemma: You want the shield? Here! Take it! It's your funeral! He pulls it off the wall and drops it on the counter
Gozz picks it up
Gozz: Wow. This thing is heavy.
Gemma: I warned you. Now get out!
Zack: Ok. They head to the door
Gemma: Hey! Where's my money?
Gozz: You didn't say anything about paying. Besides, you missed a spot. He kicks over a shelf of meat and it splatters on the ground
Gemma: Damn you!
Zack: That should keep him busy. They leave
Gozz: Yo yo yo! Check out the shooting gallery! He nods to a store
Zack: Let's go see. They walk inside
Manager: Welcome to Sharpshooters. You wanna play?
Gozz: How much is it?
Manager: One game is 10 rupees. If you can knock over all the targets you'll win a fabulous prize! Are you in?
Gozz: Fuh sho! He gives the manager 10 rupees
Manager: All right, if you already got a bow or slingshot you're good to go. You only get 5 shots so aim carefully.
Gozz: I got this. He walks up to the counter and aims at a tower of bottles Bingo!
He shoots a seed and it hits dead center in the middle of the bottles
The bottles don't budge
Gozz: What the heck? He shoots 4 more seeds but they all do nothing What is this?
Manager: Guess you just have a bad shot. Thanks for playin, bye!
Gozz: Hold on. He hops over the counter and goes up to the bottles
Manager: Hey! No customers are allowed back there!
Gozz tries to push the bottles over but nothing happens
Gozz: These things are cemented in! You cheated me!
Manager: Time to leave! Bye!
Gozz: Time to gimme a refund faggit!
Manager: Nope! You lost! Leave!
Zack grabs a goodie bag from the display
Zack: C'mon forget it.
Gozz: I hope you choke on a big fat…
Zack drags him out of the store
Gozz: Why'd you do that? I oughta give that guy a piece of my mind!
Zack: I grabbed a prize bag. Here. He hands it over to Gozz
Gozz empties it in his hand and examines it
Gozz: What is this? A bladder? He looks closer and prods it
The bladder screams extremely loud
Gozz: That's my prize? Screaming testicles? What kind of twisted store is that guy running?
Zack: We might as well drop off our stuff at an inn before we go to the castle.
Guard: Look out!
A gang of brown and white poodles come prancing out of an alley
Guard: Take cover! He barricades himself inside a shop stand
Gozz: Aww they won't hurt you. He goes to pet one
A dog leaps up and bites his butt
Gozz: YEOW! Run for your life! He and Zack run down the street
The dog growls and gives chase
Zack: A house! Hurry up! They open up the door and run inside
Lady: Hooligans! Rushing in at this hour! GUARDS! Help!
Gozz: Shut yo grill woman!
Zack: We were chased here by a killer dog.
They here a growl and the dog comes in the house
Gozz: Oh my god he followed us in!
Lady: Oh! You've brought me my sweet dog Fredrick Dickens XXIV! How may I ever repay you? OH! I KNOWS! She pulls out a card and hands it to Gozz Take good care of it. It's been passed down generation to generation.
Gozz: A hotel reservations card. Whoopdeefrickendoo!
Lady: Bitch! I oughta take this napkin and smash it threw yo head! She grabs a napkin
Zack: YEARGH! They run out
Gozz: Let's see where this inn's at. They wander the streets for awhile and eventually find it
Zack: What's with the iguana? He opens up an iguana-handled door and walks in
Bellhop: Welcome to Iggy's Inn! Will you be staying with us this evening?
Zack: Yeah. Here's my card. He passes the card to the bellhop who punches a hole in it and returns it
Bellhop: Room 62 is open. It's right down that hall past the picture of Iggy. Have a good night.
Zack: Thanks. They walk down the hall
Gozz: There's pictures of the same iguana everywhere! Nice directions huh?
Zack: Yeah. They eventually find their room and walk in
Gozz: There he is again! On the wall hangs a picture of an Iguana wearing a crown
It's eyes look at them and it wags its tongue
Zack: Ignore it. They dump their stuff and leave
Zack: Hey guard!
A guard walks over
Guard: Yes?
Zack: Which way to the castle?
Guard: its north of here but you won't be able to enter at night. And you need an appointment to be let threw the gate.
Zack: Thanks anyways.
Gozz: What are we gonna do?
Zack: Zelda said the Royal Family had a job for us. The Royal Family's at the castle. Maybe if we tell them Zelda sent us we can get in.
Gozz: Maybe.
They head north and eventually reach a gate
Guard: Halt! Who goes there?
Zack: We need to find Zelda? Do you know where she is?
Guard: Of course! She's in the castle.
Zack: We need to speak with her. Can we go threw?
Guard: Absolutely not! No one get's threw at night!
Zack: What about tomorrow?
Guard: You'd still need to have a summons. Do you have one?
Zack: No. Where can I get one?
Guard: You'll have to give me a letter to the king explaining why you need to see him and I'll deliver it to him. If he accepts your request I'll give you a summons which will let you threw.
Zack: How long will that take?
Guard: About 3 days.
Zack: Never mind. He and Gozz walk over to a cliff to talk
Gozz: How are we gonna get past him?
Zack: We can't climb the gate. And if we knock him out then that'll alert the other guards that something's up and we'll never get out without getting caught.
Gozz: So what are our options?
Zack: We can wait or…
???: Or you can do me a favor.
They spin around and see a red-head girl
Zack: Who're you?
Girl: I'm Malon. I heard you guys need to get to the castle.
Zack: Right.
Malon: Well I might be able to get you threw. My dad delivers milk to the king and he's not back yet. We got a summons to let us threw the gate and I have a copy of it. You can use that to get threw.
Zack: But the guard said no one can get threw at night.
Malon: I know but my dad's way late. I'm sure you can persuade him to let you go get him.
Gozz: What's in it for you?
Malon: I just want you to tell my dad to get his lazy ass outta there and back home!
Zack: We'll do it.
She hands him the summons and leaves
Zack: Well let's give this a shot… They walk back up to the guard
Guard: You guys again? What now?
Zack: Well, ya see, are dad delivers the milk to the king.
Guard: Talon? Yeah, what about it?
Zack: He's not back yet and it's been 4 hours. We need to find him.
Guard: I can relay a call to the other guards to look for him.
Zack: No don't worry about it. Listen, we'll get him and leave. It'll only take 10 minutes.
Guard: I'm sorry but no un-authorized personnel are allowed threw at night. You'll just have to count on us.
Gozz: But sir, he hasn't taken his medicine today! We really need to bring it to him. He could be unconscious somewhere.
Guard: Give me the medicine. I'll deliver it.
Zack: But then you'd have to leave your post. Just let us go.
Guard: Hmm…well, as long as you promise not to do anything stupid I guess I can let you can go. But you have to be quick. And watch out for the other guards, they won't be as understanding as me.
Zack: Thanks.
The guard opens the gate and they walk threw
Zack: Nice thinking back there Gozz.
Gozz: Thanks. They follow a winding road threw a field and come to another guarded gate
Zack: Oh great. There's 2 of them. How are we gonna get past them?
Gozz: I got an idea. Gozz backtracks threw some trees for cover and comes up off to the left side of the guards
He sets down the screaming testicles on the ground and runs back over to Zack
Zack: What'd you do?
Gozz: Watch.
Gozz loads up his slingshot and shoots the testicles
They scream
Guard 1: What the hell was that?
Guard 2: It came from over there! They run over to the noise
Gozz: C'mon lets go! He and Zack double-time it over the gate and end up next to a moat
Zack: Your really on a role today Gozz. Great plan.
Gozz: Thank you. Thank you very much.
Zack: Now let's see if we can get inside. They scan the perimeter
Gozz: No good. The drawbridge is up. The only thing out here are guards and water.
Zack: Where's the water coming from?
Gozz: Probably some drains from the castle garden.
Zack: Maybe we can get inside threw one of those drains.
Gozz: There's one right there! He points out a hole in the wall
Zack: Were goin in! He and Gozz climb threw and end up in the castle gardens
Zelda: You guys are late. She and Link are standing in front of them
Zack: Sorry. We had some trouble getting in.
Zelda: Excuses excuses. I guess you all should know I'm Princess Zelda.
A minute passes
Gozz: So?
Link: Show respect and bow!
Zack: No. Get to the point. Why'd you call us out here?
Zelda: When I came to Kokiri Forest I was on the look-out for the Hero of Legend.
Gozz: Ooh! Legend! Is it story time?
Zelda shoots him a dirty look
Link: Do not mind these boys…please continue…
Zelda: Thank you my dear. I found the hero while I was in the forest. He's standing here in this courtyard.
Gozz: Who is it and why should we care? I thought you had a job for us.
Zelda: Blunt as ever. I believe my fathers friend Ganondorf is seeking to steal the Triforce. The hero and his companions must go retrieve the 3 spiritual stones and bring me the Triforce before Ganondorf can get it. I ask you now if you will help me protect the Triforce and this land from the evil Ganondorf. Will you take my quest?
Link: Of course my lady. Could you possibly tell us which of us has the honor of being the hero?
Zelda: Yes, the hero is…
A few seconds pass
Gozz: Say it already!
Zelda: I'm building suspense!
Link: The suspense is killing me!
Zack: WHO?!
Zelda: Link
Link: Zelda! I will lay down my life for this quest. I will not fail!
Zelda: I know you won't Link.
Zack: Why does he need our help?
Zelda: Everybody needs help. Duh!
Zack: Not good enough. I'm not interested.
Zelda: Did I forget to mention the reward?
Gozz: Reward? He rubs his hands together What kind of reward are we talking here?
Zelda: Whatever you want.
Gozz: Now you've got my attention. I'm down for it.
Zack: How do we know you can get us what we want.
Zelda: I'm a princess! I can bitch and whine to get anything I want.
Zack: True… We'll do it.
Zelda: Great! The first place you'll want to go is Kakariko Village. Good luck!
???: Wait!
An Arabian looking woman comes walking over to them
Lady: I am Impa. You must learn this song. It will let everyone know that your connected to the Royal Family. She whistles a song
Zack: I already know that song. I saw it written on some rock.
She ignores him
Impa: Now you try!
Gozz: Try this! He flips her a bird and leaves
Zack: Whatever. He plays the song
Impa: Wonderful! It's almost like you heard it before!
Zack: …
Impa: Bye! She disappears in a flash of light
Zelda: Good luck!
Link: Let's go!
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RE-WRITE. :)
