Chapter 2

You feel like you are drowning. The halls of McKinley are too crowded and you can't seem to find a way through the throngs of people that are walking in every direction. They used to part ways for you. You were split the sea of students easily with just a simple glare and a variety of unkind remarks to anyone below you on the social ladder. Now, with your pink hair and punk clothes, people don't care anymore about who you were last year. They don't care that you ruled the school for three years alongside Santana and Brittany. Everyone seems to have forgotten the old Quinn Fabray and if you are completely honest with yourself, you wish you could too.

Your ears are ringing and you squeeze the strap of your backpack tighter, unconsciously rubbing the still fresh cuts on the inside of your wrist against the side of the strap. You feel a little lighter after you make it to your destination, English class. The teacher greets you brightly since you're the first one there and you give her a terse nod. Your ears are still ringing and there is pressure on your chest that you are more familiar with than you wished you were. The middle desk on the right side of the cluttered classroom has always been your favourite and you walk to it on autopilot. Your notebook is out of your backpack before you even get the chance to sit down and you desperately write calming words down. Breathe, focus, just focus, breathe. Not too soon after you started having minor panic attacks you realized that when you wrote down the calming words instead of just thinking them, the effect was much more direct and you would snap out of it easier. You continue writing these words until the bell rings and other students start entering the class.

The chair next to you screeches as someone takes a seat next to you. The sound is startling and your breath hitches involuntarily. Squeezing your eyes shut and putting your elbows on the table, you clamp your hands over your ears and repeat the words, that moments ago were just written thoughts, in a soft whisper over and over again like a mantra. A soft touch on your shoulder snaps you out of it with such startling speed that your heart thuds heavily in your chest and you drop your hands from your ears. You turn your head to the person next to you slowly, surprised that someone is willingly talking to you. Ever since you entered your so called 'faze', people started avoiding you. You can't blame them. If you could you would avoid yourself too. You blink your eyes a couple of times before your eyes focus on big brown orbs filled with an emotion you haven't seen for quite some time. There is pure worry inside those eyes and your breath catches at the sight.

"Are you alright, Quinn?" Rachel's eyes flicker across your face and you think about what you must look like from her perspective. Hunched over your desk, completely shut out of the world and talking to yourself. It takes a couple of seconds before you gain control over your limbs and face and you fairly easily slip into the role of uncaring punk chick that you have been trying to perfect ever since you dyed your hair.

''I'm fine, Rach." You give her a thin lipped smile and she doesn't even try to hide the surprise on her face. Her eyebrows are almost touching her hairline and her eyes are wide. You can't really blame her. You usually don't talk to anyone but the panic attack had you on edge and those eyes just got to you for some reason. Rachel blinks a couple of times and schools her features quite easily. You think it must be her years of acting classes that made it look so easy.

"Are you sure because you didn't look fine a minute ago. I mean not that you looked bad or anything that's not what I was implying at all! That would be incredibly rude on my part and as you know I praise myself on having perfect etiquette in conversing with my peers without being at all condescending."

You can tell that she is nervous. Something inside of you twitches uneasily as you realize why she feels nervous around you. You feel bad for treating her the way you did, you really do and you know that you should probably tell her that you are sorry. It would make you feel better and you know it would mean something to her. There is something about Rachel Berry that never fails to surprise you. No matter how mean you are, how many slushies you throw in her face. When you need her she will be there, no matter what.

At the beginning of the year, when everybody was still shocked by your new appearance, you found yourself in one of the school bathrooms receiving a hug from the one and only Rachel Berry. You remember reflexively thinking of a way to insult her and make her feel bad about hugging you but as soon as that thought crossed your mind you shrugged it off. You remember feeling lighter when she hugged you and you remember that you realized that it had been months since someone had hugged you, or touched you in any way for that matter. But most of all you remember it feeling good. The closeness of another person is something you have always craved but you have been depraved of exactly that for longer than you'd like to think about. In that moment it didn't matter that the person who was giving you that hug was someone you thought you always disliked. During that brief bathroom encounter, you savored the feeling of being hugged and it was over too fast for your liking. Stepping back from the embrace, Rachel had looked up at you and smiled a small smile. 'I don't know what brought on this change of attire, Quinn. However, I think you look good and as you know pink is my favorite color so.."Her sentence had trailed off and her eyes had flickered to her shoes before looking up at you again. " I just hope you are okay and that you know that if there is anything wrong you can always come talk to me." Her words had sucked the air from your lungs and had left you speechless. All you could do was nod as Rachel Berry, the girl you had tormented for as long as you can remember, was the only person who could see that you were hurting and that you weren't fine. You wanted to tell her then in that moment how sorry you were and how bad you felt about everything. But all you could do was feel empty as she left the bathroom after giving you a slight nod.

As you look at her now something is different. Apologies are piling up in the back of your throat and you struggle to get one out, onto your tongue and then somehow to her. The teachers' voice is shrill and way too loud compared to the quiet conversation you are having and it makes both Rachel and you jump slightly before you turn to face the front of the class and listen to the teacher drone on and on about next month's project. After a while the teachers' voice just kind of turns into a constant noise and you are able to zone out. You think about the girl next to you, who even though you have never reached out to her, always reaches out to you when you need it most. Your right hand finds your left wrist unconsciously and you take a couple of deep breaths at the delicious stinging sensation. Your mind slows down a little and you only hesitate a moment before you uncap your pen and open a blank page in your notebook.

Rachel,

Staring at the start of your apology you take another deep breath and nod your head, silently agreeing with yourself that if you can't get the words out of your mouth you might as well right them down on paper and giving them to her. From then on, your pen flows freely across the paper as you try to describe your exact feelings about the past between you too. Rachel always wanted to be your friend and you are the first one to admit that you need one right now. What was supposed to be just a short note turns into letter as you get carried away and try to write down absolutely everything. However, as you fold the paper in half and look at it one more time before sliding it over to Rachel, you feel good. There is still that part inside of you that feels you should be embarrassed with how openly you've described your feelings but Rachel is already opening the paper and you can see her face scrunch up in confusion. You see her eyes flicker across the page as if they don't know where to start but they finally settle at the top and you watch her intently to gauge her reaction. There is a part of you that is scared she will laugh or make fun of you but that fear leaves your mind the moment you see a small smile tugging at her lips. Not long after, she turns to you and she is full on beaming. She writes something hastily on the paper and you wait patiently until she folds the note the other way around and slides it back to you. You anxiously open up the paper and stare at her handwriting for a second. The only way to describe it is a happy scribble. Almost all letters have big loops and she even uses smiley faces as dots. It takes a couple of seconds before you can actually focus on what the note says but when you do, you can't help yourself from smiling at the words staring back at you.

Dear Quinn,

Thank you. Your apology means more to me than you could ever know and I really appreciate you telling me how you feel. I just want you to know that I hope we can leave all of this behind us someday and move on to us becoming friends. If you want to of course..?

Rachel*

You inwardly roll your eyes at the small star drawn hastily behind her name but then focus on the question at the end of her note. You think about being friends with Rachel. What it would be like to have a friend again. It has been so long since you had someone to talk to and you and Rachel always have had some sort of weird connection. You stare at the paper a minute longer but you've already made up your mind. You can practically feel her eyes drill a hole in the side of your head as you bring your pen down on the paper and write a short, but clear reply.

Yes I would like that, Rachel.

It feels as if a weight has been taken off your shoulders and chest. The looming loneliness isn't as suffocating anymore and as you stare down at the paper you realize your pen didn't pierce it once.

A/N: Here is chapter 2 and I hope you enjoyed it! If you find any mistakes please do point them out to me. And I want everyone to know that even though it's kind of dark now it will get better eventually. Let me know what you think!