Well, hey there everybody, I'll start off with reviews and then do an author's note if I still have one.
FAC123 - Well, I like it. It's good to read a story that you can have some fun reading, know what I mean? I can also tell that you had fun writing it, and that's good too. Some writers just take their stories way too seriously, you know? I mean, if you aren't having fun writing it, then what's the point, right?
Anyway, going by the first chapter, I really think there's a lot of potential here for the upcoming chapters. There is one thing that I feel I should point out, though, is to make sure that whenever a different character says something different, there should be a line break. For example:
Instead of
"Zed then piped up and said, 'Farin! Why don't you go, you're the smartest of us all, if something goes wrong you might be able to undo the curse!' Farin quickly responded saying, 'I have no knowledge in curses, besides, Shurane is the quickest...'"
It should look more like
"Zed then piped up and said, "Farin! Why don't you go, you're the smartest of us all, if something goes wrong you might be able to undo the curse!"
Farin quickly responded saying, "I have no knowledge in curses, besides, Shurane is the quickest...'"
Judging from the rest of the chapter, it seems like you already knew that rule, which is good, just make sure that you proof-read your work for any grammar mistakes or typos and such. All in all, I think it's a really interesting story so far and I wouldn't mind reading the next chapters, whenever they're released. Keep it up! :)
Yes, I definitely did have fun writing the fic, if I didn't have fun writing it I would have never even finished the first chapter. Okay, second point, yes I already knew about the line break thing. Writing can just be confusing at times though. Okay, on to your third point, yeah I probably should proofread more than I do. And, I guess, thanks for reviewing the fic, I'm glad you find it interesting and that you took the time to review it so in depth. I'll try to keep chapters pumping out but my interests tend to wax and wane and it's hard for me to stay on one topic for long. This fic might be an exception though because I finally had an idea that I really liked in every way. These long reviews take up lots of space so I'll have to make sure I make the actual fic part of this long too.
Anyways, authors note stuff, if you wanna make a cover for this go ahead, nothing is stopping you I can even point out key spots to base a cover off of if you want.
Other than that, the only thing I have to say is that if you wanna submit an OC go ahead, chances are if they do get accepted they will be side characters but if they're really well designed (ie. Not overpowered and not a mary sue) then they might just become a main character, however, it takes more than just designing the character, optimally they would have a mostly unique personality from the other main characters and something that makes them either clash or get along with one or more main characters. I still am in the process of designing the characters already in the fic and I would hope you can at least give the effort to make your characters a personality to make things interesting.
My reasoning for you guys submitting OC's means that it makes my work easier and means you guys have a reason to read and means I can get chapters out quicker, in a way clickbait, but more in a nice way.
-Xx125xX-
Now that the demoness was enraged and Shurane was knocked into a wall the real fight had finally begun.
"You'll pay for what you did! You'll pay! PAY!" The demon screamed out.
Shurane got out of the wall she was knocked into and wiped off the bits of stone that had amassed on her from cracking the stone wall. "We'll see about that. Won't we." Shurane shouted back, with her foe being angry she could either become very predictable, or in this case due to her teleportation become very unpredictable.
At this point her enemy was circling around teleporting at a speed that made it look like there was twelve of her enemy surrounding her and circling around her at all times.
Shurane swung her giant hammer at one of the spots where the enemy was but missed.
"You're going to have to try harder" The demon teased.
Shurane watched around herself for a pattern.
Now.
Shurane swung to her left and hit her enemy out of it's pattern. Even with teleportation you're bound hit the ground the second you stop once you've been turned sideways.
"Bitch" The demoness shouted before stopping her teleportation just long enough to get back up. However during that moment Shurane took the chance to smash the demonesses head with her hammer. This knocked the demon out and Shurane used her chance to get off the final blow ending it. Or so she thought.
"Heh, nice shot, phase two, commence!" The demon said, showing back up, perfectly healthy, it appeared that she had used a body double.
This time the demoness circled around but instead of just standing around she started shooting small balls of demonic energy at Shurane.
'C'mon, where is she.' Shurane thought.
No, she didn't have the time to think, she just swung her hammer out in a large circle in the opposite direction of the demonesses teleporting.
*Thud*
The demoness didn't see it coming and got hit for real this time. Shurane didn't spare a second before crushing the demons head.
"Go to hell." Shurane muttered.
All of a sudden Shurane started to disappear and she momentarily became worried.
-Xx125xX-
"Wha-" Shurane said in surprise but soon found herself in the original lair of the demoness with her friends and the rest of the creepy dolls.
However, all of them were turning back into people.
"Farin, Zed!" Shurane shouted getting the attention of her two friends and teammates.
"Shurane!" The two shouted in unison.
"Thought I might never see another persons face again." Zed half-retorted.
"I'm just glad that Shurane didn't die or get turned into a doll as well." Farin said in response, relief showing in his deep emerald orbs. Shurane started to have tears well up in her ruby reds as she started to bawl. Nothing filled Zed's grey eyes. He just wasn't one for overly emotional or dramatic reunions, or anything overly dramatic in general.
"Yeah, yeah, hug it out guys, we still have to go and claim the reward for defeating that trouble-maker." Zed said, no emotion whatsoever in his reminder.
"Zed, you really don't care at all? I mean come on, what would have happened if Shurane would have failed, we may have remained like that forever!" Farin responded to Zed's comment who still seemed unfazed even after Farin's response.
"Actually, there was another questing party that was just a week behind us, they were also better equipped for the job." Zed replied, still no emotion.
*Sigh* Both Shurane and Farin sighed, of course Zed would have left something like that out.
"Whatever, let's just get back to the town were we got the quest." Farin stated as he retrieved his items from Shurane, while Zed did the same.
-Xx125xX-
A day or so later the group of three had arrived at a small town named "Sigunurn", it's a small adventurer town, it has a small faction nearby that keeps them safe from griefers and criminals as well s supplies them with things if the village gets attacked so that they can recuperate, for example healing potions.
As they came near the village it seemed like a werewolf (1) had decided to come and attack the small adventuring town.
The team decided to just walk past the werewolf as the guards seemed to have a handle on it but it took out one of the guards and came right after the group of three seeing them as a bigger threat.
The werewolf howled as it analyzed it's opponents, preparing to take out the weaker ones first before the toughest. It decided to take Farin in battle first seeing as he was the least armed and defended physically. However the werewolf did not take in the idea of magic attacks and magic defense in any way.
"Ice Barrage!" Farin shouted signalling one of his more common spells. As the spell finished preparing the werewolf was slashed up by tons of small snowflake-shaped ice pellets. However, it didn't deal much damage as the werewolf had frost resistance.
The werewolf howls again as it throws itself at Farin in an attempt to slash him up with it's claws. However Zed throws himself in the way and blocks the beasts claws with his sword distracting it long enough for Shurane to get a quick blow in with her weapon of choice, a hammer.
As the werewolf was dazed from the hit to the head Zed took the time to slash up the werewolf enough for the guards to do whatever they needed to it.
Finally the group was able to get to the local inn to turn in the completed quest.
-Xx125xX-
"So, you guys actually managed to defeat that thing?" The testificate asks, bewildered.
"Yeah, I mean, it's nothing special, just some low-level demon who thought more of herself." Zed explains.
"Yeah, no, it totally wasn't anything dangerous that nearly killed us all Zed, totally." Farin retorted at Zed's comment.
"Hey, why don't I get a moment to shine!?" Zed shouts back.
"Because you never had one." Farin replies bursting Zed's mood.
"Villager Number 2, bring the payment!" The testificate yells upstairs.
"Okay!" Villager Number 2 says to Villager Number 1.
Soon afterwards a Villager comes down and hands the group a big brown bag with the rewards for the quest.
-Xx125xX-
"Okay, now that we're out of any civilized place where we might get mugged easily let's see the content of our loot-bag." Shurane tells the rest of the group.
As the group undoes the knot around the bag they see several rare items.
First off are two ender pearls as well as an eye of ender. Farin grabs those as they are useful for avoiding damage as well as finding dungeons.
Next off is an enchanting book that Zed grabs. "Hmm doesn't look like any regular enchanting book." Zed states.
"Hmm, what do you mean, here, let me take a look." Farin asks.
"Here, go ahead, I've never seen such an enchantment name before."
"Hmm, you're right, I've never heard of this 'Jeweled' enchantment before." Farin responds.
"Whatever, let's just look at the rest of the loot right now, we can discuss what it might do later." Shurane says, getting everyone on track with the loot sorting even if she came off as a bit greedy.
This time Shurane pulls something out of the bag of loot, "What even is this?" Shurane questions as she pulls out a very fancy looking weapon, or at least that's what it looked like.
"Well, it looks like a bit like a scythe mixed with a staff." Farin points out, staves were something he was used to but scythes could bring a whole new level to a fight, the only disconcerting part about it was all the unnecessary jewels on it and what not. It also seemed to have the same enchantment as on the book.
"Maybe if we use this weapon we can find out what the enchantment does?" Zed sort-of half-states, half-questions.
"Whatever, just hand it to Farin, he can deal with it." Shurane says as she hands the weapon to Zed before he hands it to Farin.
The only other items in the bag were a bunch of gold and iron nuggets which people just generally called "coins".
"Okay, well, let's head off to the next town, and see if we can't get some new items and sleep at an Inn." Zed tells the rest of the group before they head off to another town or city, whichever decides to come first.
-Xx125xX-
"We've been walking forever, can't we take a break?" Zed whines out to the other two.
"You were the one in a rush Zed, so don't go saying that now." Shurane points out.
"Yeah, but my feet hurt." Zed moans.
"Too bad, that's your fault for dragging your feet the entire time." Shurane tells Zed hoping to stop his incessant whining.
"Come on Zed, just a little bit further, the city is in sight from here." Farin states making Zed immediately stop whining.
"Yes, finally!" Zed shouts completely forgetting about his sore feet and running straight towards the walled city in the distance.
-Xx125xX-
As Shurane and Farin catch up to Zed they realize he passed out right in front of the guard.
"Maybe we pushed him a little too far." Farin points out to Shurane who just crosses her arms in front of her chest.
"Well, I'm not carrying him so you're going to have to." Shurane huffs.
"Stubborn" Farin murmurs so that Shurane wouldn't hear it.
"What?" Shurane shouts.
"Nothing, you're just hearing things." Farin says in response to Shurane's reaction.
"You better not have said anything!" Shurane yells, more pissed off than before.
"Oh, whatever." Farin says as he picks up Zed. "Wow, he's heavier than I thought." Farin says as he struggles to carry Zed through customs.
A guard walks up to them as they pass through and says, "Pay up, entry fees."
"I know a shakedown when I see one!" Shurane nearly screams out as she nearly loses it on the suspicious guard.
"Uh, sorry mam." The guard replies before realizing his mistake.
"What did you just say!?" Shurane yells at the guard before Farin drags her off as she rages internally.
'Triggered' Zed whispers as he wakes from his fatigue-induced sleep.
"Hmph." Shurane crosses her arms, turns her head, and sulks as the group walks towards the nearest Inn.
On the way there a shady looking person beckons them over.
"Would you like you're fortunes told?" The shady person asks before retreating back into their small hut.
"I guess it couldn't hurt." Farin shrugs before dropping Zed now that he was awake.
"Hey, that hurt!" Zed says as he dusts himself off from the dirt on the ground.
-Xx125xX-
"How much you want, miss?" Farin asks as politely (2) as possible as he begins to sit down.
"Oh… nothing much really, just a few gold coins." The lady asks. As much as it wasn't cheap Farin complied and handed over a three golden nuggets.
"Why thank you kind sir." The mysterious lady replies taking the gold nuggets before pulling out a crystal ball.
"Ah, yes. I see it now. That bag of loot you got and the strange weapon and enchantment. A prophecy. One of friendship and betrayal, yet at the same time one of good and evil. A strong light versus a darkness unlike any other. A fight for survival amongst all sorts of terror. In the end, one side reigns victorious. However, I cannot see which side." The lady goes on, a tone in her voice that calms yet frightens the group all at once.
"Thank you miss." Farin says as he begins to sit up.
"No problem, it is rare these days to find gentlemen such as you." The fortune-teller replies. A nice calming smile on her face.
As the group left the fortune-teller sat down before saying, "My job is done, let's just hope they don't screw it up."
-Xx125xX-
1. Werewolves are more of a beast in this world than people inflicted with a disease.
2. It's a superstition that fortune-tellers cast curses on those who treat them badly.
If you wanna beta my fic let me know. I'd prefer someone who can keep up with me as I don't generally make chapters in advance but I can if need be. Generally all I really need is someone who can notice the errors in commas (and other less noticeable grammar errors) and consistency in character personalities and what-not.
Again, submit OC's and they might just get some use. Try to use some original ones, don't use ones that have been accepted into other fanfics.
