I stopped eventually. I cried. Big, wet, sloppy tears. I didn't cry like that very often. But I usually didn't get angry and punch walls. I usually didn't sink my teeth into Rachel Berry and drain her blood out of her body. The fact that it was different from usual made it even worse.

Rachel wasn't going to wake up. And I was going to keep being a vampire. After a certain amount of time, I was going to need to eat again. I was going to need to take care of myself. I needed to take care of things.

I couldn't wear this Cheerios uniform forever. I needed clothes. I needed a place to live. I needed to do something with Rachel's body. The smell of her body didn't bother me, not exactly, but I could tell it was strong.

For the first time in a while, I thumbed at both the friendship bracelets on my wrist. Santana. Her name breathed into my thoughts. I felt it spread like smoke over my brain and settle there. I wanted her, so badly. I missed her. I felt overwhelmed by the things I had to do. It felt like I had graduated and that it was time to start being a grown up. I wasn't ready. I wasn't going to have been ready in June.

But Santana could help me. Why couldn't she help me? Actually, why couldn't anyone help me? As long as I didn't eat them, couldn't I go back to my house and my room and live there? Obviously, I couldn't go to school. But I could go to night school. I probably was going to have to take some extra classes anyway. I'd go to school and graduate. And I could still see my friends and still ask my mom for advice and still see Santana.

I stepped outside and re-did my ponytail. I squared my shoulders and felt what time it was. I probably didn't have enough time to see anyone. I wanted a whole night to explain things. Something told me it would be harder than I thought it would be when I just thought I was dead. Now I would have to also explain that I needed blood to...was live the right word?

I had already decided that I would not say that I knew what happened to Rachel.

I jogged to Santana's. Like before, I didn't sweat. Just moved calmly, quickly over the cold ground. Like a ghost. I guess I kind of was. Casper. But not so friendly. It was easy to avoid people. At night, Lima was a pretty sleepy town. Plus, I could hear their heartbeats. I just stayed away, even though the Feeling was starting to wrap around me again. Especially because the Feeling was starting to wrap around me again.

When I got there, I stilled. I could hear them. Santana's mom and dad took steady, deep breaths. They were asleep. I bent my head and listened.

There she was. She was awake. As soon as I realized it, the Feeling grabbed me in the center of my chest. I had to get closer. No, I didn't. I couldn't. What if what happened to Rachel happened to Santana?

I lifted my hands to the sides of my head and squeezed. Doing that made me feel like I was in control. Rachel was the first time I'd felt it. Now I knew what it was. I wouldn't do it again. I wouldn't do it again. I'd just look at her through the window. I'd be so quiet. She wouldn't know I was there.

I climbed up the tree outside of her window. It was less tall than the tower I'd climbed before. I straddled a sturdy branch and leaned back, then put one foot up.

I could see her on her bed. She was holding one of her throw pillows, and staring at the ceiling. I made my muscles not-move again. It was the first time I had stared at a living person since I had died. I had looked at Rachel, yeah, but that all happened so quickly.

Santana didn't do anything. But her body did. And I noticed. Sometimes her shoulders tightened as she grabbed her pillow tighter. I watched her throat twitch when she swallowed. I watched her eyelashes flutter as she blinked occasionally, nice and slow. I listened to her breathe. There was a tension to it and I knew that she'd been crying.

I tried not to but I listened to her heartbeat. I tried not to but my eyes noticed the flush up her neck as her body pumped blood. I tried not to care. Really I did. I tried to stare at her lovingly, not hungrily. But it didn't work. I think you know that.

I could've watched her forever. Until the sun rose anyway. Eventually Santana's eyes closed. Her heartbeat slowed. It was getting close to sunrise. My body felt that call to rest.

I decided to do something reckless. I just couldn't wait. I was so lonely. I needed to leave behind one thing, one thing so that I could feel like I'd done something since I died other than accidentally kill Rachel Berry.

I unclasped her bracelet from my wrist, and jumped down to the ground. Santana had put this here right around the time we started talking in ninth grade. I hadn't watched Clarissa Explains It All, but Santana was obsessed with the re-runs that she had watched the summer before. She'd found clips on YouTube and made me watch them too. At the time she said that she wished her parents would let her let a boy climb into her room whenever he wanted, but since Clarissa and Sam were just friends, she guessed a girl would be fine too. I was just glad to have Santana showing me things she liked so I could like them too.

The ladder was easier to control now. I made sure it didn't tap too loud against the windowsill. I climbed up, and as soft as I could, pushed Santana's window up. The air inside the house rushed against my face. It seemed burning hot. And with it came the scent of Santana.

She smelled like best freaking steak in the world. Like at the end of Cheerios season when you're finally allowed to eat whatever you want again and you just finished your period. I almost crawled inside the window just to get close to it, to sink my teeth into it. I almost cried when I realized I couldn't. I'd tried to put my hand inside. It just wouldn't. I just couldn't go inside. Santana was safe. From me.

I pushed her bracelet in without putting my skin in. It got far enough in that I could close the window the few inches that I had opened it. I jumped off the ladder and put it back away, less carefully than I'd taken it out.

I ran back to my shed, glad to get away from the way I wanted to taste Santana.

I didn't want to go back in, with Rachel's body still there, but I didn't have a choice. The sun was coming up and it was time for me to hide. I would take care of all of it. Tomorrow.

The day passed. I heard it go by.

The first thing I should have done was gotten rid of Rachel's body. It was going to get difficult to move. I didn't think I'd be able to just pick her up without some part of her falling off. But I didn't want to take care of that. I wanted to go to my house. I wanted to see my mom. And I wanted to change out of my Cheerios uniform.

I was tired of everything feeling so different. It had been nice, that first night, where I thought I was suddenly magical. But now I just wanted to go back to real life.

I wanted to look nice so I went to the pond. I guess the water wasn't still enough cause I couldn't find a clear reflection of myself. I used the pads of my fingers to make sure there was no dirt on my face, that my hair was smooth.

I tightened the laces on my shoes, extra tight. I liked the way it made my feet feel safe.

Instead of running, I started walking home. It was still fast, but I was scared. I didn't want to admit it but I was afraid of what would happen there.

It was hard to imagine though, that I would feel the Feeling about my family. As I walked, I shivered, thinking of the pounding in my chest and my head and between my legs when I had taken Rachel. It was hard to imagine that I could feel like that about my dad. Or my mom. Or my brother. Or my sister. It felt gross just thinking about it. The way it made me want to gag made me feel better. If it grossed me out, then nothing would happen.

When I got there, I stood outside for a while. Did I knock on the door? Just knock on it and say "Hi."? I felt like, I couldn't. It would be too much. The question of how to do it was answered for me though. I saw Allison's face peek around a curtain. Her eyes went wide and her mouth dropped open. I let my face curl into a small smile, unfolded my arms, and gave her a short wave. "Hey," I said, even though she couldn't hear me. I could hear her though, through the house. Her heartbeat was so fast. "Brittany!" Her face disappeared and her footsteps sounded to the door. "I knew it, I knew it, I knew it."

She opened the door. "I knew it," she said. "I knew you weren't dead. I mean, I didn't know it, but I hoped it." She ran outside into the cold. I stretched out my arms and I picked her up. She kept going, "And you're here and you're moving and that means you're alive because dead people don't move!"

"Course not!" I lied, because I wasn't really thinking. I was paying attention how it was different to be dead and to hold her. It wasn't like being close to Santana, where I had felt like if I didn't get it, I would start grinding my teeth. But it was there. I held on to the part of me that was totally grossed out and put her back down. "Sweetheart, aren't you freezing? Let's get inside."

"Brittany. There's so much that's been happening. Mom and Dad were trying to pack up your room but I wouldn't let them. And I've been feeding Tubbington! Mom said I could take care of him since you and Peter weren't here to do it. And guess what else?"

I put my hands on the side of my head. In the house. I wanted to be in the house. I wanted to hear all these things, but I wanted to hear them in the house. "I'm gonna guess everything, Al, but let's get inside."

"Okay, Brittany!" She grabbed my hand and started marching me towards the door. This wall of panic reared up inside me, like a scared horse. "Let's get inside!" And just like that, it melted away. "Let's go to your room. You're gonna stay, aren't you?" And I stepped inside my house, and shut the door.

I felt better. There were flowers and cards in the entryway. The smells were stronger, but familiar. I could smell Lord Tubbington, the laundry detergent we used, the casserole my mom had made that night. I heard Rory's breathing, in his room. He was listening to music. It sounded sort of bottled up. He was probably listening to it through headphones.. My parents weren't there. All that in an instant. I squatted on my heels and looked right into Allison's eyes. "Allison, this is really important. We can't tell Rory that I'm here yet. Cause I want to tell Mom and Dad first. Don't you think they should be the first to know?"

Her eyes were still so wide. She looked solemn, and nodded. "Yeah. Okay."

I smiled but it felt more like I was baring my teeth. "You're the best."

Like I was on a roller coaster, I suddenly felt awful. I felt the Feeling. I wanted her. I wanted to eat my little sister. But no. I wanted to stay more. I wanted my life back.

"Brittany," she whispered. "Are you okay? You're staring. And you look different."

"Yeah," I managed to get out. I cleared my throat even though there was nothing to clear. A habit left over from being alive. "Let's go to my room and put everything back."

"Okay. But remember...we have to sneak quietly. Cause of Rory." She was just like me. When it came to being sneaky, she learned fast.

I straightened up and smoothed out my skirt. "You lead the way, midget." This wasn't like what I wanted at all. I felt like I didn't belong here. There were pictures of me and my family everywhere, smiling, on family vacations. On hikes. In front of Disneyland. Peter and I running on the beach toward the camera. My eyes went straight to the redness in my cheeks, and the way the sun bounced on my face. Would I ever feel that again? My little sister was with me and I should have been so happy to see her and hugging her like crazy. But I couldn't. It was like she wasn't my sister anymore. She was so tiny, I didn't even need to use her neck. I could pick her up and pin her against a wall and attach my mouth to her wrist. Or above her knee. Even as I thought it, I wanted to try it. I knew it would be good there. Different than Rachel Berry. I could drag it out, really enjoy it.

If Santana was like a steak, Allison was like a chicken breast. She would probably be totally delicious. But ultimately, she was resistible. I just wanted to hang on, to this little piece of myself that said I could do this. It was the first time I'd tried to be with an alive person. It would just take some getting used to.

We tiptoed past my room. The house was quiet. We were quiet. The door to my room was shut. Allison opened it.

My room.

Allison shut the door.

Everything kind of looked the way it should. There was a box by my desk. They'd probably been trying to clear up some of the papers. My diary was by my keyboard. I looked at Allison, intensely. "Have they been reading that?" I quaked out. When I dropped my voice like that, without air moving past my throat, my new voice sounded like a growl. She shrugged and threw herself on the bed.

She looked at me and played a little bit with the bedposts, pulling and pushing herself against them, rocking back and forth. "You seem different."

I crossed my arms. I looked at her arms as they shook her body. They seemed so breakable."I am, a little bit." As soon as I said that, I knew. I couldn't stay. I didn't belong here anymore. I couldn't go back to my life. I couldn't be with my family. It was ridiculous to even think of it. Suddenly, I wanted to do this as fast as possible.

I went to the closet and pulled out the biggest Cheerios duffle I could find. I threw it on the bed, next to Allison and unzipped it. I didn't think too much, the way I did if I packed for a trip. I just started cramming as many clothes as I could in there. I don't think I even grabbed one hat.

As I started doing it, Allison started crying.

Shirt, sneakers. "Brittany, what are you doing?"

Bra, socks. "Brittany, you said you were staying!"

Jeans, underwear. "Brittany!" With that last wail, I heard Rory turn the volume on his music down. I flew to the bed, vampire fast, put my hand over Allison's mouth and held her down with the other arm. She tried to kick and her eyes got wide. As I held her, I felt her hot skin and saw her veins flush. Heard her heartbeat get faster. Somehow I managed to keep my voice level. "Be. Quiet. Be quiet. Now." And then, she must have gotten scared because she tried to bite me. The pain flared up in my hand and I ripped it away from her mouth.

We both stared at it cause she'd broken the skin. The skin pulled itself together and looked good as new. Then she really started screaming. She was so loud.

I grabbed the duffle and ran out the door. I didn't even care that it slammed. I could hear that Rory was coming to see what was going on. I just needed to be faster than him. I knew I could be.

On my way out, I saw Lord Tubbington. As soon as he saw me, his back arched and he hissed like crazy. In my panic, I just. I don't know. Everything was so crazy and I'd been fighting the Feeling and I just. I picked him up with the hand that wasn't holding my duffle. He tried to scratch me but it didn't matter, not really. I only needed one hand, anyway. I ripped at him with my teeth. His hair got in my mouth, so I spit it out, but I got just enough, just enough to get out of there without turning around and holding my sister by the back of her neck while I drank Rory Irish dry before turning to her and doing it. If I hadn't done it to Lord Tubbington, I would have done it to her.

I dropped his body on the steps as I ran out the door, my duffle over my shoulder. When I got to the shed, I threw it down. It tapped what had been Rachel Berry's body. As I'd predicted before I left, it wasn't in a state to be moved. It burst, just a little bit. I felt like I should want to retch but I didn't. I killed my cat and I almost killed my sister and I was pretty sure nothing was ever going to be the same again, not ever, not ever, not ever.

I curled up against the wall, as far away as I could from Rachel and clutched my knees and cried and cried.

I couldn't tell if I could actually hear my sister still screaming, all the way in town, or whether it was just echoing around in my head:

"You're not Brittany! You're not Brittany!"