We drove for about an hour. Well, I think it was an hour. I'm not too good at math and converting between fly hours and human hours is tough, but you get the picture. I crawled up on the windowsill and was greeted with the sight of a big brick building. I tried to fly to it but I bumped into that dern glass again.
"Sammy."
"Yeah?"
"I hear buzzing."
"WILL YOU LET THAT GO."
"You didn't get that fly out of my car!"
"OH MY GOSH DEAN."
Eheheheh. Two points for Irwin the fly.
They both got out of the car, grumblin' to themselves. I had to book it to get out before they slammed the doors shut. The entrance to the building was not where I would've expected. It was a circle set into the ground that I assume led to the brick building. Humans are weird. These two humans seemed especially weird.
For such a secure lookin' place it was easy to get into their lil' badger hole. Just one key and bang, you're in. Anyways, I kept trailin' along because hey, if they had food in their car they probably have food in their house right? If you can call it a house. It was like a tiny fortress really. I won't go into detail on the descriptions but I'll tell ya, these guys were SET.
"Cas, we're home!"
That was McJerkface. I guess they had someone else livin' with 'em. Great, one more person to slap me around.
Now, I'll admit, I wasn't expectin' the fella that came outta the library (yes, they had their own library). I mean, if I'm honest I expected a woman because Cas is a girl's name, and when McJerkface yelled "We're home!" my mind went straight to a commercial for a sitcom I saw once where the guy walks through the door and calls "Honey, I'm home!" like a catchphrase or somethin'.
Well anyhow, what came out of the library was a scruffy guy, about a head shorter than the other two, who looked like he hadn't slept in a few days. Loose tie, wrinkled trench coat, needed a shave. Yeah, he fit right in with Meanie 'n Tree, aka the Flannel Bois. I think I'll call him Castaway because all he needed was some rips in his clothes and I'd believe he was a stranded businessman.
"I found something. Come look."
Castaway led us into the library. He didn't seem to be real interested in most of the books though. Instead he brought the Flannel Bois over to the table, where he had a fancy necklace sitting on top of a big thick book, which had a picture of the fancy necklace in it.
"An amulet?" That was McJerkface.
"Yes. I haven't figured out what it does yet." I noticed Castaway's way of talkin' was kinda stilted.
"The book says it's the Amulet of Tongues." Brownielocks'd picked up the book and was readin' real intently.
"So either it's an amulet to make you a better kisser or it's some kind of translator." Jerkface has a dirty mind. Brownielocks looks so done.
They kept talking but I kinda zoned out after that. Human conversations are so boring. Well, I decided to check out the fancy necklace. It had a shiny red thing in it and it looked kinda like fruit, so who knows?
I should've known better than to get my hopes up. It was a shiny rock.
"You have GOT to be kidding me! Sammy, get the flyswatter."
HE SAID THE 'F' WORD! That was my cue to leave! I buzzed away, shouting over my shoulder, "What is your problem man! Whaddid I ever do to you?"
"…Sammy. Did that fly just talk?"
In retrospect, turning around and flying in his face was probably a bad idea.
"Oh so now you hear me huh? I see how it is! Well, now that I've got your attention-" I flew right up to him, making him go cross-eyed to look at me. "-YOU SUCK! Ha, yeah you do. You suck! You humans say we flies suck – with our spongy mouths and all, and ok, we kinda do, but – you suck more! We're just doin' our jobs, mindin' our own business, and you humans think you can slap us around. Well, why don't you say it to my face, huh punk?"
Yeah, that really stuck it to him.
"I don't- uh- Cas?"
Castaway was staring at me, brow furrowed. I didn't like that so I buzzed on up to him. He's apparently smarter than Jerkface because he backed away.
"Whatcha lookin' at, huh punk?"
"Dean, who is this?"
McJerkface looks at him kinda incredulously. "Who IS it? It's a FLY Cas!"
Well EXCUSE me! Then Brownielocks decided to pipe up.
"Guys, he landed on the amulet. I guess we know what it does now."
"It makes animals talk? Who the heck would want that?" McJerkface seemed kinda upset. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that now I could yell back. Heh.
"Should we kill it?"
WHAT? Okay, calm the heck DOWN Jerkface! What is it with this guy?!
"No!" Thank you! TreeLocks has some sense. "Dean, it can talk. It's sentient. It has FEELINGS. You can't just murder it!"
"Finally someone with common sense! Hi there, Irwin the fly, nice to meet you."
"…Your name is Irwin?"
Tree musta had a hearing problem.
"YES. MY NAME IS IRWIN THE FLY. IT IS NICE TO MEET YOU."
Brownielocks scowled. "I heard you the first time."
"Then why'd you ask?"
"I just- nevermind." He started flipping through the book about the necklace.
"Sammy, you better figure out how to undo that stupid spell or whatever the heck it is. I ain't livin' with a talking fly."
"Yeah, yeah, I'm working on it."
Castaway was staring at me. The guy was weird, that's for sure.
"How long is a fly's lifespan?"
I dunno where he was going with this but I didn't like it.
"Two weeks or so." Brownielocks answered. He was fairly knowledgeable about flies. I liked him more and more.
"How old is the fly?"
"How should I know?"
"You could just ASK idiots. I am exactly six human days old! Or so. The conversion is tricky."
Castaway nodded. "So we wait eight days."
Wait, what? "I'm sorry, are we discussing my FUNERAL now? Geez man, that's creepy!"
Brownielocks frowned at me. "Do flies have funerals?"
"Maybe! Okay, no, not really, but we still deserve a respectable death!"
McJerkface decided to rejoin the conversation. "If it's gonna die anyways, what difference does it make if I kill it?"
"Dean!"
"It makes a difference because I get to LIVE!"
"Dean, leave the fly alone."
Ha! Now I had Castaway AND Brownielocks on my side! Three against one, and that's another point for Irwin the fly!
"You're actually taking his side?"
"The fly isn't bothering anyone."
"The fly has a name y'know."
"But it's a FLY!"
"Wow, prejudiced much?"
"Dean."
McJerkface spluttered, apparently unable to find a reasonable argument to use against Castaway. Probably because there wasn't one.
"FINE. But get him out of my house."
Well, I didn't wanna stay here anyways!
"Okay. Follow me fly."
"Irwin."
Castaway ignored me and walked towards the door. Now, I WAS gonna follow him, really I was! I totally planned on leaving! Buuuuut I kinda ended up in the kitchen somehow. I have no idea how that happened.
However, I found some sort of syrupy sticky goodness on the counter and MMMM was it good!
"CAS, THE FLY IS EATING MY PIE!"
Uh oh. McJerkface found me.
"Finders keepers!"
"No! Get away from my pie ya little-" I'm not gonna finish that sentence.
The next few minutes mostly consisted of frantic flying, curse words, and absolute lack of coordination on Jerkface's part.
"Ha! Missed me again!" Oh, and taunting. There was a fair amount of taunting.
"Get outta my house you fly!" There may have been a word between 'you' and 'fly.'
"What's a guy gotta do to get a little piece around here!" Hehehe, see what I did there?
"I will crush you!"
"Dean, calm down." Castaway was back.
"He was eating my pie!"
"I will get you more pie."
That made him pause. He was still scowling, but at least he was holding still.
"And you'll get rid of the fly?"
Castaway opened his mouth to say something but he was interrupted by Brownielocks busting into the conversation.
"I found it!"
We all looked at him in unison. Well, I looked at him for a second, then I went back to the pie.
"Found what?"
"How to break the enchantment."
McJerkface let out a huge breath. "FINALLY."
How rude. I talk pretty good if I don't say so myself.
Brownielocks came over to me, holdin' that book and lookin' like a preacher or somethin'. He started sayin weird stuff man. Real weird.
"Job Bene,
stultus,
maxima culpa,
vade in domum,
tuam ebrius es."
"Did it work?" Jerkface looked hopeful.
Brownielocks shrugged. "I dunno. Hey Irwin, did it work?"
"Did what work?"
The Flannel Bois groaned. Castaway peered over the tree's shoulder at the book.
"You need it to be touching the amulet, then say the words."
Tree winced. "Right, hang on." He disappeared back into the library.
Now, that's when I started thinkin'. Who said I WANTED to have this new gift taken away? So far it'd proved to be reeeaal useful. I mean, I was a goner until I started shouting back! Without my smooth talkin' I wouldn't have even reached my one week mark before it was lights out for this fly. So when Brownielocks came back I made myself scarce.
"Hey, where'd he go?"
"Don't tell me you LOST him!"
"I wasn't even in the room! How could I have lost him! YOU lost him!"
Castaway stepped in. He definitely seemed like the mom friend. Or the boyfriend depending on who he was lookin' at.
"Dean, Sam, calm down." Like I said, Castaway was the smarter of the three. He looked around the room and called, "Fly. Please come here."
Well, smartER but still missin' a few things up top if he thought I was gonna come out because he asked nicely.
"Good job Cas! That worked fabulously!" Seems like McJerkface was getting' a little salty.
"I didn't see you making any progress."
They all started arguing again so I, Irwin the super spy fly, slipped on over to that pie and hid behind it, gorging myself on it's sweet, sweet canned sugar paste. Now, I dunno how long those three argued but they all stopped when McJerkface got a phone call. Something about a demon? I didn't know demons existed. I've never seen one. I figured they were a myth, like elephants or something. Well, I decided to test out my super spy skills some more and follow them to see if this was a joke or not. I might be the first fly EVER to see a demon! (Although secretly, I hoped it was an elephant)
I buzzed along after the trio, hiding under the seats in their car again. I have to admit, that car was pretty useful. Anyhow, I spent the whole trip cleaning pie off my forelegs and trying to ignore the bickering going on above me.
When we got to the scene of the crime I was actually kinda excited. There was so much food! Not as good as pie, but still. The Flannel Bois didn't seem as excited. Castaway's face didn't change. I don't think I'd seen his face move more than two lengths (that's a fly measurement) since I met him. We all started inspecting the scene. I was more interested in the bits that smelled tasty, while they seemed to be gathering clues or something.
"Scooby dooby doo, where are you, we've got some work to do now..." Jerkface was singing something under his breath. Sounded like a buncha nonsense to me. The others didn't seem to find it strange. Then again, they were pretty weird themselves.
Well, things started getting interesting when they noticed me. It'd been awhile, they'd talked a lot, nothing I was paying close attention to. Then I made the mistake of checking out some particularly tasty bits near Brownielocks foot.
"…Guys?"
"Sammy, I swear if it's that SAME DARNED FLY-"
"Well good to see you too!" I really oughtta learn to keep my mouth shut.
"KILL IT WITH FIRE!"
Whaaat? I didn't wanna be fly-kebab so I started buzzing away.
"Dean, relax. He hasn't done anything. He's just… eating the victim."
I dunno what he was talking about, 'eating the victim', but he was on my side and I'll take what I can get.
McJerkface started listing my so-called "crimes" against him, counting them on his fingers real dramatically as he went.
"He almost wrecked the car," Not my fault. "He ate my pie," He's the one that left it sittin' there. "He interrupted an investigation," Since when? "And he's ANNOYING!" Okay, that's a matter of opinion and would NOT hold up in a court of law.
Tree sighed, clearly having seen that his bigoted brother was beyond reason.
"Maybe he can help."
All eyes turned on Castaway.
"He can help." Jerkface stared at him. I don't blame him. I was kinda missing the point too.
"Yes." As calm and unflustered as ever. "He can get us information."
Brownielocks looked at me, brow furrowed. I happened to be sitting on his sleeve at the time.
"He can?"
Castaway nodded again.
"He can indeed."
Jerkface's voice sounded kinda like you'd expect a stale pretzel's voice to sound like. Dry, salty, and hard.
"Please, enlighten us."
Castaway was as un-fazable as uh… a professional stale pretzel eater (That's totally a thing).
"He's small Dean. He's also a bug." Ya don't say.
When that didn't get a response he elaborated further.
"No one suspects a bug of spying. They usually cannot talk."
Jerkface groaned but Brownielocks looked kinda excited.
"Cas, you're a genius!"
"Hey now, hold up." I felt it was time I stepped in. "What's goin on? You lost me."
"Irwin, you can help us kill the demon!"
"I can?"
"Yeah! All you have to do is what you've been doing!"
"Eating?"
"No, being a pest!" No one asked for Jerkface's opinion but he gave it anyways.
"Dean, shut up." Castaway had a firm hold on the brothers.
Jerkface scowled and turned away. Served him right. Brownielocks went on.
"You just have to fly into the demon's hideout, tell us where they'll be, and you're done!"
I squinted at him. Well, actually I did the fly equivalent which is leaning back and wiggling my wings. I don't have eyelids y'know.
"What do I get out of it?"
"All the pie you can eat."
"Sam! You're not serious!" Poor Jerkface. He doesn't like being shown up.
"Now I like the sound of THAT!" HA! Now I could eat his pie without bein' swatted at!
"Deal!" Brownielocks grinned, "Now, let's get you set up.
