Chapter 2: Ashe
WELCOME TO SUMMONER'S RIFT
"Are you ready, Summoner? I have a great feeling about this match."
"Sleigh bells riiiing, are ya listenin'? In the laaaane, snow is glistenin'. A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight, walkin' in a winter wonderland!"
"What are you doing?"
"Making you feel more at home."
"Are you mocking me? And I wouldn't describe the Freljord as a 'winter wonderland'. Or a wonderland of any kind, really."
"Oh lighten up, I mock everybody. And don't pretend you don't like my deep, dulcite tones."
"Uh-huh. And who are my opponents?"
"A well-rounded team, but don't quote me on that. We got a Thresh, Master Yi, Nasus, Miss Fortune and Shen. Let's just assume you're laning against the pirate in mid for now."
30 SECONDS UNTIL MINIONS SPAWN
"And it looks like we have an interesting team ourselves today."
"Yes, Volibear is jungling. I wish we could get along better."
"Our team is full of tanks! Garen, Nautilus and Rammus are here too."
"Yes, Garen was quite amused by it. Too amused actually, it was a little unsettling."
"What do you mean?"
"He went around saying 'I love you guys!' over and over. Jokingly I told him, 'Go home, you're drunk,' and he said he might have been."
"Ah, well that's not so surprising. I just assumed all champions were slightly buzzed all the time anyway."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
MINIONS HAVE SPAWNED
"Uh, well I'm ready in the mid lane."
"You grabbed a Doran's Blade right? I made the mistake to grab boots and pots once with another carry not too long ago. Don't ask me how that went."
"Umm, summoner, what does the map look like right now?"
"They don't seem to have a jungler, two top, two bot and one mid. Why?"
"Why is Thresh here?"
"Oh man, he's farming minions. He must be your opponent today. Weird choice."
"They must be kidding."
"Well it's not like we're in position to talk. We have a weird-ass team. Just assume he knows what he's doing and don't underestimate him."
"That's a bit difficult, he's just letting me shoot him!"
"Yeeeeaaaah. He's not too great with his grab today either, is he?"
FIRST BLOOD
DOUBLE KILL
"Wow, you weren't kidding. Garen must be a rowdy drunk. Awfully lively today."
"He's not the only one. Nautilus won't stop yelling 'Tanks for life!' for everyone on the field to hear."
"You should yell 'Yay! Female carry pride... woo...' I'm sure Miss Fortune will appreciate it. Oh look, Volibear wants in on the party. He's in the bush next to ya."
"Really? But I'm doing well."
"Yeah, I dunno why he's there either. Tell him to come back another time."
"I did. He's sad and moping off to the Golem now."
"Well, he'll put on his big boy pants soon enough."
YOU HAVE SLAIN AN ENEMY
"Oh! Nice ultimate."
"Thank you."
"Go ahead and tickle the turret some. I can't believe we haven't needed to recall yet. You have like, two thousand gold."
"Oh! I could use some new stuff."
"Yes you could. Back up some, so I can recall you. If they're smart, they'll be going for DAT ASHE and try to gank you."
"Oh HA-HA. Haven't heard that one before."
"This all-tank team is doing better than I thought they would. Both top and bot are winning out. How 'bout we grab some boots and a Zeal? I'll teleport you back to mid."
"Yeah, okay. These guys won't shut up about 'tanky-pride'. It's like I'm not even here!"
"Don't think like that, the team needs you and everyone knows it! We need dat Ashe!"
"Stop it."
"Okay."
YOU HAVE SLAIN AN ENEMY
"Oof! Can't HANDLE the frost arrows!"
"I think this lane is won."
"I think you're right. Mental high-five!"
ENEMY TURRET HAS BEEN DESTROYED
"And they still haven't even tried ganking yet. Have they not realized the awesome might that is Ashe and JayDarkwater!?"
"Oh please, like I'm that self-centered."
"It's cool, I'm self-centered enough for the both of us. It'd be great if you yelled 'Bring it, Bitches!' on my behalf."
"I would rather not. I'm still a Queen and a matriarch of my people."
"You're an ass-kicking matriarch. Tryndamere is a king, but he smack-talks plenty."
"Well he needs to stop! The both of us have to keep our utmost dignity."
"Alright alright, fine. But you must admit, my demeanor is way more fun (and less angry) than most summoners here. And I also have a way better name. Have you ever met Summoner 420YoloBlazinSwagPickle69? I think his parents were bitter."
"... Is that an Ionian name?"
"Speaking of Ionian names, Master Yi is there. And he's not even hiding. Just kinda standing there."
"I see him. He looks hurt."
"Well than let's make him regret showing up, shall we? Your volley and ice arrows should be enough."
YOU HAVE SLAIN AN ENEMY
"He only got one hit off! What's wrong with these guys today? ... Look out, Thresh is behind you!"
"My aim is steady."
DOUBLE KILL
"Aaand boom goes the evil spirit torturer. Man, that Cage went to waste. Good thing you remembered not to move."
ENEMY TURRET HAS BEEN DESTROYED
"Ashe, Garen's being chased toward you from the river."
"Got it."
"It's Nasus and Shen, they're both about half-way down on health."
DEMACIAAA
"Oh damn."
"Wow."
"Well, help 'im!"
DOUBLE KILL
"..."
"..."
"WWOOOOO!"
"WWOOOOO!"
"WWOOOOO!"
"DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT!?"
"FUCK YEAH I SAW THAT SHI-... I mean... it was nothing... -cough-"
"You deserve to be proud! That was the best ulti I've ever seen!"
"Well, I mean... it was pretty good and... oh dear, please don't tell anyone I said that."
"Aww, and we were doing so well!"
"What?"
"They're surrendering."
VICTORY
"Good job Ashe! I look forward to summoning you again."
"Yes, it was a good match."
"You should get excited more often. That was pretty cool."
"Thank you."
"And deserved."
"Yes, yes."
"And hot."
"What?"
"Nothing."
Final Stats: 6/0/2
