N a t e ' s P o v

"Holly Anne Gray was such a happy person, always having a smile on her face and always putting one on others. She was quirky and one of the most loveable girls I had ever met. I'll never forget the day we met. It may sound cliche, but she was one of our old band's fans. She was the girl at the rock show-that face in the crowd. I asked security to let her come backstage to the meet and greet and as they say-the rest was history. No more than two and a half years later we were married and starting our family together. Even though everyone said we were too young, we didn't care because all that mattered was that we loved eachother. She was the perfect mother. She knew how to do everything and when to do anything. She's leaving behind three kids, a husband, a mom, a dad, a little sister, and a gazillion friends, but we will always love and remember her. Thank you."

Those words I spoke no more than five minutes ago were like a blur to me. She wasn't gone, she couldn't be. It felt like I had just spoken to her, when in reality I spoke to her a week ago-ten minutes before I would loose the love of my life to some drunken asshole. How was I going to live without her? How was I going to raise a sixteen-year-old, a thirteen-year-old and a four-year-old without her? Shane has Kayleigh, Jason has Samantha and me? I have no one. I can't do this without her. Seth shut everyone out the second he got the news, Collin misses her, but just doesn't want to admit it and Bella still asks where mommy is. I can't do it. I don't know what to do. I-"You gotta hold yourself together, Nate." I told myself. It was true. I had to hold myself together, atleast for the sake of our kids. Yes. Even though she's gone, they're still our kids. They wouldn't be here without-

"Nate?" My brother, Shane's, voice said from above me. It was only then that I realized that the ceremony was over and I had silent tears running down my cheeks. All three of my kids standing behind him watching me. Seth with annoyed eyes-he probably wanted to go home. Collin with knowing eyes-he knew why I was like this. And little Bella with scared, confused eyes-she had no idea what was really going on. I wiped the stray tears away quickly, before standing up.

"Yea." I sighed, knowing what he was going to say. He was going to say that I looked like shit and needed some rest.

"Nate. Man, you look like shit and need some rest." He said honestly, putting his hand on my shoulder. Told you. I cracked a small, very small, smile and nodded my head in agreement.

"Yea, I do." I said. "Come on you guys, let's go home." I said picking Bella up. After making our way through the crowd and hearing almost everyone's "sorries" and offers of help if I "needed it" we finally got to my BMW. I put Bella in her car seat and Collin and Seth sat in the seats on either side of her, keeping her in the middle. I got in the driver's seat and heard Seth roll his

I-Pod volume to maximum, which would have gotten him an earful from Holly, and leaned his head against the window. "Seth, turn it down." I said looking at him through the rear view mirror seeing him just roll his eyes. I sighed as I turned the car on and drove out of the parking lot and onto the street. the car ride was pretty much silent, except for the low volumed radio and the occasional "Seth, turn it down," none of which got responses to. When we pulled into the driveway I had had enough of Seth's attitude and no help from him. I turned the car off and turned around before saying, "Seth! Turn it down!" He finally turned it down, not by much though, and Bella decided that now was the time to ask the question that should not have been asked at this moment.

"Daddy, when is mommy coming back-"

"Never, Bella! Never! Because of you she's never coming back!" He yelled pulling his ear buds out. "You just had to have your stupid toy right then and there didn't you! You couldn't wait for dad to get home could you! GOD! I wish you were never born! I hope you're happy, because I hate you!" He yelled at her. She sat there quivering, her bottom lip trembling and her eyes watering before she burst out into tears.

"Seth!" I yelled once realization hit me of what he was saying to her.

"Yea, I hate you too. Mom wouldn't even have been out there if you had come home when you were supposed to!" He said bitterly, pushing himself out of the car and letting himself in the house before slamming the door.

"Collin." I said in as nice a voice as I could muster knowing I could explode any minute. "Please, go inside and tell your brother to stay in his room and wait for me. I have to talk to him about this." Collin just shook his head, scared, and followed Seth into the house. I got into the backseat with Bella and pulled her from her carseat and onto my lap holding her to my chest, letting her cry. "Please Bella, stop crying."

"Bu-Bu-But Seth hates me!" She wailed.

"Of course he doesn't, Bell." I said hugging her closer. "He's just mad that mommy isn't coming back."

"But why!?" She cried even harder, burrowing her head in the crook of my neck. I sighed, trying to figure out how to tell her.

"Bella, remember how mommy used to read you the stories from your books?" I asked, deciding to take this route.

"Yea." She said beggining to calm down-she still doesn't get it.

"Well someone up in the sky needed her stories more." I said looking down at her. She pulled away from me and looked out the door and up at the graying sky.

"Really? But I don't see her!" She said looking everywhere frantically.

"You will. One day. You will, Bella." I said holding her to me.

"Did he really mean it, daddy? Is it really my f-fault that mommy's gone?" That just about killed me. How could he be so harsh on his little sister when it wasn't just him that was suffering. Just yesterday he blew up on her for asking him to play a song her for on his guitar earning him a month of grounding and me having to take 45 minutes to get her to calm back down.

"Absolutely 100% no. Your brother didn't mean what he said-it's not your fault and he doesn't hate you. Who could hate that face?" I said poking her cheek making her giggle.

"Is he in trouble now?"

"Yea. He's in trouble now." I said making sure I had my keys before getting out of the car with her still in my arms. "Now come on, let's go inside and I'll make you some lunch."

"No, I'm not hungry, I'm tired." She said as we walked up the driveway. I looked at my watch and noticed it was already two o'clock, "oh yea. Already two o'clock. It's two hours passed nap time." I said walking into the house. There was Seth, sitting in the living room flipping through the channels on the television.

"Seth, you better get up to your room." When he didn't budge I covered Bella's ear, her right ear was pressed against my chest. "Now! Seth!" I felt Bella jump at my voice and heard Seth groan as he turned the t.v off and got up.

"Great, now you're gonna take the murderer's side?" He said looking Bella right in the eye at the mention of murderer. "Great dad, that's just awsome." He said sarcastically, beggining to walk up the stairs.

"You're grounded." I said watching him reach the top steps.

"Yea, tell me something I don't know." He said turning down the hall.

"Two more months!" I yelled going up the stairs as well, just getting a slammed door as a response.

"I told him dad. He just wouldn't listen." Collin said coming out of his room.

"It's okay, Collin." I said passing him.

"Can I watch t.v downstairs?"

"Yea." I said walking into Bella's room. I laid her in her bed, kissing her forehead and pulling her covers up. "Try to rest, sweetie." I said running my thumb over her cheek, knowing that calms her down and helps her fall asleep faster. Half an hour late I was sure she was asleep so I walked out of her room, closing the door, and walked down the hallway, the t.v volume getting more audible, and stood outside Seth's room. I looked up at the ceiling and silently prayed, "please Holly, help me with him. I can't do this without you." I turned arounf and put my hand on the door knob, "here goes nothin'." I sighed before opening the door and pushing it open...