The Fifteen Series
Part 2
By Zack Fair (and put to print by OmniStrife)
Hello, kiddies! Yes, I'm back. I know you all missed me SO much. I know, I know.
So I hear everyone loved my last list! That's great, because I loved my last list too. Bloody brilliant, if I do say so. I had so much fun spying on Cloud and telling you all about it, I decided to do it again. Well, actually I really do that all the time, but I only talk about it every once in a while.
Anyway. I bet you're wondering who the next victim is! Well, let me tell you, this was no easy task. The guy has reflexes like a ninja. NINJA! But that's okay, 'cause he loves me anyway, so once he saw it was me he… threatened to chop my head off but I won the battle! Know how?
I'm DEAD. Chopping my head off wouldn't change a thing!
And so, it became as such that I was able to use my kickass dead-person spying powers on none other than the great General Sephiroth!
Oh yeah. I know. I'm awesome.
Okay! Here we go.
Fifteen Reasons Sephiroth is Gay.
That sounds so nice.
Anyway, reason number one! The hair. I don't even know what to say about that hair. It goes down to his freakin' knees! And it's all flowy, and pretty… and soft, and luscious, and delicate, and… um. I'm okay. Really.
Reason number two: the leather. Personally, I have never seen a dude wear that much leather unless he was sitting on the back of an elongated motorcycle that was covered in little silver skulls. Not that I'm complaining. Those pants make his ass look AMAZING.
Reason number three: the Mother-fixation. Seph's a total mama's boy. Okay. I love my mom to death. I really do. She's awesome. But when it gets to the point that you're carrying around your mother's body parts? I draw the line there, thanks.
Reason four: SOLDIER. Now. I know what you're thinking. 'Zack, weren't you a SOLDIER too?' Why, yes, I was. But I was not the leader of SOLDIER. Thus, I didn't have an entire HAREM of pretty men who were willing to fall down at my feet and lick my boots clean.
…Well, I did have my share of pretty boys. Heh. Moving on…
…to reason five. Again with the sword. Seph's sword is humongous. It's bigger than mine and Cloud's combined! Well, in length anyway. Length isn't everything, kiddies. Heh. Anyway. Seph's sword is not only longer than he is tall, it's also very sleek and delicate… kinda like his hair. Except… well, the whole slicing-people-in-half thing. Actually, I wouldn't really be surprised if his hair was as lethal as his sword.
So… anyone else besides me noticed the fact that Seph never wears a shirt? Well, of course I noticed. That's reason six, by the way. He's… too sexy for his shirt… too sexy for his shirt… too sexy—you get my point. He's fucking sexy, and he knows it. There can't possibly be another explanation for the lack of shirtage.
Reason seven: the way he laughs. Oh yeah, I've seen him laugh. It's a rare sight but it has actually happened before. Cloud saw it too, though up till recently he only thought he saw it because he thought he was me. Long story.
Anyway. Seph laughs like a girl. His shoulders bounce a little, and he covers his mouth with his fingers. And the sound of it would make a Catholic school girl look manly.
Anyone remember that time Cloud and Seph were fighting (yeah, 'cause that's SUCH a rare occurrence) after the Kadaj kid did that freaky shove-Mommy-into-his-chest-and-become-Seph thing? Well Seph said some things to Cloud that were ...questionable. Hang on, let's see how well I can imitate him for reasons eight and nine. Ahem.
"Where did you find this strength?" Ooh, pretty good. Not as orgasmic as the original, but I'd rather hear it from him anyway. Let's try again. "On your knees. I want you to beg for forgiveness." Mmmmm… Dear GAIA that man is a walking orgasm. Uh. You didn't hear me say that.
Reason ten: the clones. Okay, let's put that whole world domination thing aside for a second and look at another reason Seph may have wanted to keep cloning himself. It was because he wanted to admire himself! Or… have a reeeeaaaaaally big orgy. Oh dear… DAMN that'd be hot. Holy shit, I think I need to be alone for a few minutes. Excuse me.
20 minutes later
…Ah, that's better. Sorry for the delay. I uh… I had to um… I had some business to take care of. Yeah. Crap, now I've lost my list… Oh here it is. Okay, where was I? Ah yes, clones. And… next is… oh! Belts. Belts, leather, harnesses. Is there anything about Sephiroth that DOESN'T scream dominatrix? Yeah, didn't think so.
Reason twelve: streaking. Yup, you heard me right. Apparently Sephiroth loves to streak. That time he battled Cloud as… what was he calling himself then? Safer Sephiroth? Nothing safe about that, let me tell you. First, he was completely naked, which implies streaking. Second, reason thirteen, the dimension he picked? Covered in rainbows! And his accessories! He stuck a solid gold halo around himself. Straight? I think not. Not when your wings have "decorative frills," which would be reason fourteen.
And finally, reason fifteen, my favorite reason. One of his most influential relationships was with… none other than moi! Yup. Two peas in a pod. Me and Seph. I've seen him naked more than probably any other person on the Planet. Heh. Believe me, Masamune is not compensation. It's advertisement.
Aaaaand on that note, we're done here. I need to go… um. Do something else. Yeah. Until next time! Oh yeah, you can bet your uncle's ass I'm going to make more lists. Ciao!
