Author's Note: I never thought I would have more followers than reviews. Gratifying as it is, I miss hearing what people think.
Chapter Two: The Time of First Words
"I mean seriously! Why haven't you said a word? I can almost get why you are still hiding away in this house all this time, but not speaking? There are a few people out there that actually want to thank you. We might not know what we're doing, but at least we're trying to move past Voldemort. I'm sorry to say that you still seem consumed by it. And I can't believe I've spent six months basically talking to myself while I'm here. The healers even said last week that you were perfectly capable of speaking. No damage remaining at all. So why do I have to deal with you being silent? Say something!"
"And what would you have me say?"
"I don't know. A response or something. Something so I don't think I'm going completely crazy."
"Yet have you really needed a vocalization to carry on the conversation?"
"Huh? What?" Harry turned to actually look at Snape. Had the man actually spoken or was the glimmer of thoughts messing with Harry's head and turning them into sounds.
"You haven't actually needed me to speak to understand me."
"No… I suppose not."
"What amazes me is that you have not truly wondered why." This time Harry was silently staring at Snape with a look of frank confusion. "I am certain you remember your Occlumency lessons as well as the description of Legilimency. Your mind is still quite open despite all that you've been through. However, it seems you have taken to the basics of Legilimency far more easily than you ever took to Occlumency. I must say I was quite astounded when I discovered that. All it took was simple direct thoughts and you managed to pick them up."
"Wait…. You mean to tell me that I was using Legilimency to understand you all this time?"
Snape shrugged. "Partly. You have the crude beginnings. And I was spoon feeding you the thoughts."
"Hold on. You never liked to have your thoughts seen. Why are you doing it now?"
"Frankly? To see how far your basic skills could reach."
"So you refused to talk because of your curiosity?"
"No. I refused to talk because the pain of talking outweighed the benefit of trying. Though I did preform the speech exercises the healers prescribed."
"When?"
"During the many hours of the day that you were not present. Which was quite a blessing."
"Well, now that you can speak, you can tell your own story." Harry remarked one afternoon while he shared tea with Snape. Again it was a very odd experience no matter how frequently was over. Changing seven years of hatred wasn't easy and forgetting it was next to impossible. Snape only glanced over at him, no glare, just waiting for the rest of the statement. "The Ministry has been wanting to question you ever since you were announced living. Now they're so desperate that they don't care which Department does it, so long as they can get an official statement."
"Here's my statement then: I wish to be left alone."
"That's not going to work. Besides, I've already spoken to a few people I know and they seem willing."
"Speaking about what?"
"About having a private interview with a set list of questions which is overseen by an approved of official of the Ministry."
"Who did you have in mind? I highly doubt they'll want anyone but the most hardened Auror to sit in."
"Actually, I convinced them to let Neville Longbottom do it."
Snape raised an eyebrow in surprise. Harry wasn't sure what he was surprised about but waited. Curious. Snape finally asked, "Longbottom managed to make it into the Ministry?"
"Yes. The Department of Magical Flora and Fauna."
"That hardly seems high in the list of important people. I am surprised you did not consider the current Minister of Magic."
"Kingsley Shacklebolt and I agreed that it would conflict with your histories if he was to visit. You know, Order of the Phoenix and all. He thought someone with less publicity would be able to get the job done. Neville has been helping us track down the Death Eaters, but has much preferred working with all the dangerous plant life out there. So, I've invited him to my house to conduct the interview."
"I am assuming you were going to inquire as to whether I desired to participate eventually."
"That's what I'm doing now."
"I decline."
"You can't decline. You need to get your view of events out there."
"Why? Your view has sufficed so far."
"Don't you want people to understand that you aren't an insane murderer?"
"Your rhetoric might have been successful had I died. However the fact that I am still alive will mean no end to the questions. I don't want my story to be plastered on the front page of the Daily Prophet."
"I seem to recall you desperately desiring the Order of Merlin for capturing an escaped Sirius Black. I bet anything you want to be acknowledged. Come on. Let Neville ask the questions and if it is truly as bad as you fear we'll just burn the parchment and say you refused to cooperate. And to try again in a few months after the solitude gets to you."
"You are not going to let this go, are you?"
"No. Because I would really like your help in capturing the last few holdouts. There are several Death Eaters that we are unable to find and I think you know of a few places we aren't looking."
"Indubitably." Snape placed his teacup back on the table and sat in silence. After a while he looked back to Harry. "You are certain that only Mr. Longbottom will be attending?"
"Of course. Who would be as unthreatening as Neville? And I won't let anyone else from the Ministry in. Though, Hermione might want to see you. You should see her. Since she was the one who came up with most of these safety measures."
Snape sighed and Harry could tell he relented just from his posture. "Very well. When did you arrange for this interrogation?"
"It's not an interrogation. Just dinner with some old friends."
Snape knew this would not end well, but what else could he do?
Half an hour later, Severus was sitting in the home of Harry Potter. One event he had never had on his to do list. "Godric's Hollow… But I suppose magical communities are harder to come by now a days." He managed to limit his sneer. His discomfort was quite high already and reverting to those defensive mechanisms would not help.
"Yeah. Apparently the land that my parent's house stood on still belonged to the family and then to me. I just had to find someone to build a new house. I'm not sure about staying… It just feels odd. But then I'm not sure who would buy a place with such a history." Harry chatted away while they waited for Longbottom to arrive. To Severus's dismay it was a couple of witches who walked through the door.
"Ah, Professor Snape," Molly Weasley greeted him warmly. She always tried to make him feel welcome even when she knew well and good he was anything but. "I am glad you are doing well. Don't mind me. I'm just bringing dinner. Young witches and wizards, still don't know how to cook for themselves yet." Thankfully Mrs. Weasley understood how tense he was and bustled past to the kitchen.
Hermione Granger had no such common sense. "Professor Snape. Thank you for coming. I really did want to see you ever since Harry said you were out of the hospital. I hope the charms are working."
"Yes, Miss Granger, they are. I was told you were the one to thank for the level of security I am afforded."
"Ah… we thought your privacy would be important while you healed. So we could get the world ready for your side of the story."
"Thoughtful… Though I must ask. With Hogwarts insisting on reopening this year, why are you not attending classes?"
"Oh… Professor McGonagall allowed me leave to come visit you, if you ever chose to leave your home. I very much wanted to see that you were doing well. I hope you don't mind."
"No I don't suppose I should. I have also been told you were the one who allowed me the chance at surviving. So thank you." Since he had risen in the presence of the two witches, he bowed slightly towards Hermione.
The young witched blushed embarrassed. "It was what anyone should have done. I'm just glad it was enough."
Severus simply nodded. He returned to his seat and waited for the next interruption to his silence. Thankfully the small crowd of Gryffindors had moved off to the kitchen to help Mrs. Weasley, leaving Severus in the sitting room alone. He was not looking forward to the dinner or the interrogation. It wasn't long until there was a knock on the door. Though Severus was closest this was not his house and he waited until Potter greeted the new guest before standing. Unless Potter had invited more people than he had let on, Longbottom should be walking through that door and they could finish this annoying business.
Thankfully Neville Longbottom was the one to accompany Potter through the archway. "Uh… Hi, professor…" Longbottom seemed as insecure as ever.
"Mr. Longbottom. You seem to be doing well outside of Hogwarts."
"Um, I suppose so. It's a little strange to be honest with you. I don't think I'm cut out to work with the Aurors, but I'm glad to help."
"Then I suppose congratulations are in order." Severus was trying to keep the sneer out of the words, but habits were hard to break. Additionally he was not pleased at all to see Longbottom. It meant another interrogation. But at least it wasn't with the older Aurors who would stop at nothing to get the answers they desired. At least Longbottom might accept answers as they were rather than find a way to twist them to mean what he wanted them to mean.
"No… Not really. Thank you though. Um… Professor Snape…? Can I ask you something? It's not going to be recorded so you can answer however you want. I know the questions are an annoyance to you, but they will help clear your name in the eyes of the Wizarding World. But I wanted to ask… Did you want the Headmaster position at all?"
Severus was stunned. This was the first question the Longbottom boy had for him. The one he thought was most important. Severus had no idea how to answer. Truthfully was the only manner that came to mind. "No. I did not want the Headmaster position. However, it was the only way. You do not simply turn down an honor bestowed by the Dark Lord and Headmaster Dumbledore still had work that needed to be done. But if I could have, I would have refused the appointment."
"But you couldn't. Both because of Voldemort and Dumbledore…" Longbottom paused and looked to the briefcase in his hand. "I'm sorry, Professor. We certainly didn't make it any easier for you."
"No you most certainly did not. But you did exactly as I expected. And you shouldn't have done anything but what you did."
"Professor?"
"I quite clearly stated that your performance over the past year was thoroughly anticipated and expected. I do not need to explain to you many of your anti.." Snape seemed to swallow his words. "Anyway the expression of your view points were partially ignored over the term."
"I understand, Professor." Longbottom nodded. Severus noted that Harry Potter had been silent during the exchange. The boy had not suffered the pain and horrors Longbottom had during that year. They had separate terrific tales.
"Right then," Potter sensed a pause in the conversation and decided to interrupt. "Let's see if Mrs. Weasley is finished unpacking dinner. She seemed horrified that I had nothing to offer guests." He led the way to the dining room while Longbottom hastily placed the briefcase next to a chair before following.
Severus was slower to follow. He did not want to participate in this mockery. He should not be having dinner with Potter. He should not have to answer questions about his actions over the past several years and in particular the last several months. And he should not be alive in the first place.
"Professor Snape?" a woman's voice interrupted his thoughts. "Severus?" He lifted his head to focus on the speaker. Molly Weasley was standing beside him looking concerned.
"Mrs. Weasley. I apologize for my lapse in attention. Was there something you wished to say?"
"Only that it won't be as bad as you are likely imagining. They might have survived and won this war against You-Know-Who. But they only know part of the horrors that took place. Try not to hold that against them. You know as well as I that these children should not have had to fight in a war that began before they were born. Whatever the Minister has asked Neville to ask you about… He isn't the one who came up with the questions. He won't understand many of them. In fact I'm sure he will understand your reasons better than anyone else."
"Mrs. Weasley…."
"Please, I hope we can be less formal. Call me Molly."
Severus sighed and relented. "Molly, your concern is most appreciated. But I do not have a place in this world. I never have. No amount of words is going to change that."
"That is where you are wrong, Severus. You changed the course of history. You did what Albus Dumbledore could not. You facilitated the downfall of Voldemort. It might not have been pretty. But then the truth behind victories usually isn't very heroic. Don't hold your grudges against the children. Be honest and direct like you always are. They won't understand sarcasm and snide remarks right now. They're too young."
Severus eyed the witch before him, impressed. "Very well. I will attempt to be civil. But I do not understand why Potter insisted on dinner."
"They want to talk without the pressures of legalities. You can use this opportunity to tell them your story rather than answer questions."
"I'm not used to telling stories. I've really only ever encountered interrogations."
"Trust me, Severus. They do not know what interrogations are. Not like you. Think of it more as an interview. Neville will be asking the questions and directing the course of the conversation. Hermione will be recording everything that is said. Everything. Including what Neville and Harry and she says. And Harry will be there to ensure your rights as a human being are not violated. He does not want you to go to Azkaban Prison for any reason."
"I can only hope you are correct."
"Go enjoy dinner. It might not be what you're used to at Hogwarts, but I hope it is to your liking."
"I am sure that after years of experimenting with that family of yours, it will be delicious." Severus nodded his acceptance of Molly Weasley's words. Entering the dining room was a different experience. Harry Potter was at the head of the table as expected for this was his house. Hermione was to his right with Neville next to her. The only other seat was to Potter's left. Harry motioned to the open chair and again, Severus relented. Severus was already having trouble not superimposing Albus Dumbledore's image over Harry Potters, but certain actions made it difficult.
The conversation occurred around Severus. He had no real interest in the activities of the current Hogwarts Professors. Or the search for Death Eaters who managed to escape after the fall of the Dark Lord. For some reason Severus was still uncomfortable with the reference of Lord Voldemort.
"Professor Snape?" someone called to get his attention. He glanced from where he was picking at the meal. Not because it wasn't good, but because he could not stomach the food with his self created tension. It was Longbottom again. "Professor, I was wondering what you were willing to tell us about the time you were Headmaster of Hogwarts."
"I'm not particularly willing to tell you anything. Nor do I know what you would consider interesting or important that Potter has not already informed you of."
Longbottom nodded. "I know. Harry told us about your memories. Mainly because he thought you were going to die and he wanted someone to know the truth. So was there anything you did that was not on Professor Dumbledore's or Voldemort's orders?"
"No. Not that I am aware of. Everything was either to protect the students as much as I could. Or to appear to be advancing the Dark Lord's propaganda. Very little of what I did was based on personal motive."
"And what about before? When you were so hard on me during school, what was the reason for that?" Longbottom had courage to be asking this question. Even Potter and Granger looked surprised he brought this up. He had come a long way since his defiance of the Dark Lord. "Is it because of the prophecy? That Voldemort could have chosen my family as his main target instead of Harry's?"
"I cannot say for certain. Yes, because if the Dark Lord chose your family as the greatest threat then Lily might still be alive. No, because you were the easiest target in your year. Timid people in Gryffindor do not last long without something to rally against. But I have to admit I am impressed that you found a possible link to the prophecy."
Longbottom flushed in embarrassment. "I… alright. I guess that makes sense. Um, Professor are you going to refer to Voldemort as the Dark Lord during the interview?"
"How else would I refer to him?"
"How about just Voldemort?" Potter asked simply. Severus just gave him a withering stare.
"It would be better. I mean… only Death Eaters call him the Dark Lord. If you were to go on public record as calling him the Dark Lord then people will still wonder if you support his cause. Regardless of what you actually say." Longbottom seem hesitant with the explanation.
Severus frowned at the awaiting silence. They did have a point. He would come across as Dumbledore's man easier if he used the word Voldemort. But he had been conditioned into using the Dark Lord. It was like trying to get someone from stop using You-know-Who. There was a level of terror behind that name that people didn't want to call down upon them. The normal wizarding population used He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named as a cover and the Death Eaters used the Dark Lord. It was going to be a long process to change. "If you are going to record this verbatim then it might be best to include a note somewhere that the subject attempts to use the term … Lord…. Voldemort but because of conditioning the phrase the Dark Lord is the first choice of references." Severus clearly had difficulty using the name, but he would try. This was a different world. Different rules. And Severus wasn't sure he would be able to survive it.
"We can do that. We're just looking out for you." Longbottom agreed. The dinner seemed to have concluded at that point. "Perhaps we could use your sitting room, Harry. I'll get the papers ready. Thank Mrs. Weasley for me. The dinner was great." Longbottom excused himself quickly. He seemed as nervous as Severus was anxious.
Hermione stood and motioned to Severus. "Let's go with him. Harry will clean up and get tea ready. By then we'll be set up to record." Severus went with them. It was going to be a long night. One he wished he could avoid by having his vocal cords damaged beyond repair.
When everything was ready and everyone was seated comfortably, Longbottom began. "On the 14th of December in the year 1998 I, Neville Longbottom from the Department of Magical Flora and Fauna, open the interview of Severus Snape, former Headmaster of Hogwarts, former Potion's Master of Hogwarts, in regards to his actions as a Death Eater under Lord Voldemort and as a spy for Albus Dumbledore. Recording the interview is Hermione Granger and witnessing the interview is Harry Potter." Longbottom did have an authoritative voice with the official opening. "For the record, Professor Snape, how do you refer to Voldemort?"
And that was how he could get around using the more natural title the Dark Lord rather than frustrating himself with trying to use the name Voldemort. "As a Death Eater I was forced to use the term Dark Lord as a sign of respect. I have only been able to speak for about two months and have not had the time to recondition myself to using the proper name. I will continue to accustom myself to using the name…. Voldemort…. But in the meantime the term the Dark Lord will be the first identifier I will come up with. Much like those who use the term You-Know-Who or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, it will take time to overcome the fear attached to the name of … Lord Voldemort."
"Thank you Professor Snape. Now, the Ministry has collected a list of questions they desire answers to. Please answer them as completely and as honestly as you possibly can. I may ask follow up questions not listed here in order to explore certain topics. First question: When did you join the Death Eater?"
"1978"
"When did you join Albus Dumbledore?"
"The end of the year 1980."
"Why did you join Albus Dumbledore?"
"Because the Dark Lord chose to target James and Lily Potter and their son Harry Potter after hearing the part of the prophecy I related to him. Earlier in that year I overheard the conversation between Dumbledore and Trelawney but was thrown out of the establishment before I heard the entire conversation. I reported what I knew back to the Dark Lord because at the time I believed that was the only path to recognition. Later when I learned the Dark Lord chose the Potters as the threat over the Longbottoms, I begged the Dark Lord to spare Lily's life. Lily had been my only childhood friend before going to Hogwarts. I loved her and did not want anything to happen to her. I knew the Dark Lord could not and would not spare her life because she would protect her family. So I went to Dumbledore and begged him to do something to protect her. In return for his protection Dumbledore asked me to relate to him all of the Dark Lord's movements. It was the only option for me to live and hope that Lily lived as well." Severus tried to speak without giving away too many details. It was humiliating enough to have to sit through this interview, but if it allowed him a chance at a quite uninterrupted life he would suffer through it just like he suffered the pain and tortures at the hands of the Dark Lord and Dumbledore for the life of Lily Evans.
"Did you at any point think to return to Voldemort?"
Severus had to sit in silence as he pondered that question. Slowly, "No…" He took a deep breath before continuing. "Voldemort had killed Lily. I had no reason to ever return to him. I thought him destroyed the first time until Dumbledore explained his theory of the Horcruxes. Then the only choice Dumbledore gave me was to stay at Hogwarts and protect Lily's son."
Harry Potter interjected, "I thought that was your choice. Not something Dumbledore forced on you."
"It was my choice, Potter. But Dumbledore didn't think I could because you were also the son of James Potter. It didn't matter what he thought. I would have done the same anyway because of Lily. I wronged her out of my arrogance and humiliation and I have spent the rest of my life trying to seek redemption for it. But that is impossible when the one you wrong is dead." Severus snapped at Potter.
"Um, back to the official questions. And Harry, try not to interrupt again. Let's see, the next question… Why did you kill Albus Dumbledore?"
"Because he had ordered me to. There are several reasons surrounding that decision. But simply, it was because he ordered me to. Dumbledore had suffered a debilitating curse that summer from one of the Horcruxes. When he came to me the best I could do was delay the curse, not break it. Dumbledore was fully aware that he was going to die slowly and painfully by the end of that year no matter what was done. We also had the knowledge that the Dark Lord had ordered Draco Malfoy to kill Dumbledore. The Headmaster did not want Malfoy to suffer from committing a murder and ordered me to preform the deed in his place. Also Draco's mother, Narcissa Malfoy, had bound me to an Unbreakable Bond in order to protect her son from the wrath of the Dark Lord. She had me promise to help Draco complete his task or to complete it for him should he fail. Both Dumbledore and Narcissa seemed to believe Draco would fail. I did not want to commit the murder, but I was left with no choice. It was quite certain at that point that if any other Death Eater got ahold of Dumbledore, they would make the Headmaster suffer before killing him. I killed Dumbledore only because of his order. I told him blatantly that I did not want that task, but he would not let me out of it."
And so it went. One question after another well into the night. The Ministry was thorough. Severus answered every question even when it pained him to do so. The young wizards and witch could see the fatigue on his face as he relived his painful history. They were as glad that the interview was over as Snape. Longbottom concluded the interview then turned to Severus. "I am sorry to make you relive all that. I really do hope they do not ask for anything else. If I can do anything to help you, let me know. It's the least I can do for causing you all that trouble last year."
"And not the years before? If that is the offer than I suppose I could accept." Severus stood with Longbottom and after a moment reached out to shake his hand. He had no idea if the boy would reciprocate. "You have indeed done your parents proud, Mr. Longbottom."
Neville Longbottom blinked in surprise at both the statement and the hand. But he did firmly grip the Potion's master hand. "Thank you. Now that I'm not in school I can say this. You really were a good teacher, if impossibly terrifying."
"It's the one year anniversary, Professor. They expect the survivors to attend. It's not like you're being asked to stand up there and speak to the crowd." Harry was once again in Snape sitting room. This time they were arguing over attending the memorial service for the Battle of Hogwarts. Snape sat in his chair quietly though glaring at Harry frequently. Harry had come to realized that Snape used Harry's passing accomplishment at Legilimens to avoid saying what was really on his mind. "I even got word from Draco that the Malfoys are attending the ceremony. They declined the invitation to the reception, which I don't blame them. You can leave with them after the ceremony. But you need to at least attend. Show the world that you are glad that Voldemort is gone and help them start to heal. If you can put the past behind you then so can they."
"Is that what you think, Mr. Potter? That by merely attending some public event, I will show the wizarding world I have become one of your adoring fans? No, Mr. Potter. My attendance will be seen as a mockery of their show of respect. They will use the event to pursue questioning my loyalties and demand recompense for the evils I have done. And you wish to place me in the middle of that throng?"
"It won't be as bad as all that." Snape merely lifted an eyebrow at Harry's declaration. "I won't let it become like that." At this Harry noted a sigh from Snape and a distinct closing off of his mind. Something had pushed Snape into resignation. "Professor Snape? If you do not want to come why do not just refuse and kick me out of your house for even suggesting it?"
Snape sat silently, his eyes focused on the Penseive that permanently graced the coffee table now. "Don't you already have an explanation for that as well?"
"It's not my explanation. It's one I hear circulating through the Ministry. Particularly those who remember the first fall of Voldemort. They think I'm protecting you like Professor Dumbledore did. And some rumors suggest that I will be using you like Dumbledore."
"At least you seem to be aware of the pattern."
"But you aren't… I mean… Surely you don't think you're in the same position as you were during the first fall of Voldemort?"
"The same position, no. I know I am not in the same position. But similar."
"I don't follow."
"Of course you don't. Thickheaded as you are. Have you not realized that my entire life has been devoted to someone?" Snape said painfully, not wanting to admit this part of his life.
"I can't say I paid attention."
"But the others most certainly have. Tell me, how many times have you heard them compare you to Dumbledore? How many times have you heard them refer to the trust Dumbledore had in me as nothing more than him manipulating the conditions for my freedom?"
"Are they wrong?"
Snape was silent again, watching the empty Penseive. "No. They aren't completely wrong."
"Is this why you tolerate me? Why you constantly deal with me entering your home without invitation. Constantly pulling you to events you have absolutely no interest in attending… You are also comparing me to Professor Dumbledore." It wasn't a question this time. Harry watched as Snape's face went from a scowl at the mere suggestion to carefully blank. That's when Harry knew for certain. "You're falling into that same pattern. Why?"
"It's easier to follow what you know. I have only known this. You saw the memories. Have you not wondered why I followed the orders of a blasted portrait? I was rather forced into Dumbledore's service with my own pleads for Lily's life. I took the Dark Lord's mark willingly just to be recognized as being worth something. Before that Lucius Malfoy managed to control every aspect of my life. And finally I would have done anything, absolutely anything, for Lily. So yes, it would be quite easy to treat you in the same manner, seeing as how you have assumed control of my life." Snape raged quietly.
"Me?"
"Tell me, Potter. What did you think you were doing when you made all those decisions regarding the security around this house, or the hospital stay, or all of those social gatherings you've insisted on since then?"
"I thought you hated me."
"Of course I hate you. You are the living embodiment of everything I could never have." Though the voice was bitter and angry, Snape's posture suggested defeat. "And you now have taken total control over my life."
"Sorry… I … I don't know what I wanted… I watched as Voldemort tried to kill you and I couldn't stand the thought of you dying alone. Then when Hermione said she might be able to stop the bleeding and hold off the poison, I immediately wanted to help. Then I saw the memories. That's when I knew you of all people should be allowed to live after this war. After everything you did, you deserved it. Without anyone there related to you, I was the only one to advocate for your treatment. I guess I was also the only one left to advocate for your actions. Ever since you woke up though, I have been waiting and wanting for you to go into a rage about me being here and to throw me out. There were times when I thought you would, but then you just stopped. I never even considered the fact that you might place me in the same category as Dumbledore."
Harry took his customary seat on the sofa and kept his eyes on the Penseive as he thought of the past year and how he had determined the next steps in the Professor's life. It wasn't what he wanted. It wasn't what he intended, but in his effort to get the world to see Severus Snape as he saw the man now it had happened. He had conveniently ignored all the signs until now, trying to remain ignorant. People had warned him and now he had to face it. "I'm sorry, Professor Snape. I don't want to be compared to Professor Dumbledore in that respect." He stood again and walked to the door to show himself out. "I have to be going."
