Beca knew her mind was a scary place. But it was her place. Her own little secret, selfish world. It was where she could lock herself away and break down. Everyone knew not to mess with her. Everyone except Chloe. Five minutes after storming out of a Bellas rehearsal, in which the visiting Chloe had been sitting in on, the redhead was busting through the door to the dorm room, her arms immediately wrapping around the brunette. Beca had long since learned to not push her away, because that was a battle that she just was not going to win. Instead, they fell to the floor, the tears now flowing freely from Beca's eyes, streaming down her face and soaking into Chloe's shirt. "Shhh," the redhead whispered, holding her girlfriend even tighter.
"I don't know what is wrong with me," Beca choked out, pulling back slightly. "This isn't me. This miserable, crying mess. It just isn't me."
Chloe gently pushed the hair back from her girlfriends face, a sad smile on her face. "You can't expect yourself to be strong. There is nothing wrong with breaking down," she replied, not breaking eye contact. "And despite what you may think, it is you. It just happens to be a side of you that isn't seen much, because you keep it down.. which I wish you wouldn't do."
Beca choked out a laugh before pulling away completely, leaning her back against the bed. "Do you want to know the worst part about this whole, stupid, fucking, depressing thing?" she asked, wiping her eyes. Chloe didn't respond. "It just keeps getting worse. I don't know what the hell keeps triggering it, but the overwhelming urge to lock myself away just keeps getting stronger. This isn't the first time I have had to leave rehearsals."
The redhead put a hand on her girlfriends knee, gently biting on her lower lip, carefully thinking about what to say next.
"I mean, what kind of leader does that make me? I can't even make it through one rehearsal without having to leave, cry my eyes out, then come back and pretend like nothing happened. I know the girls talk about it, because I can see the worry in their eyes, but none of them say anything."
"Do you want them to say anything?"
Beca remained silent for a moment, then shook her head. "No, because I have no idea what on earth I would tell them. I don't even know what to tell myself half of the time." She stood up and walked out of the room, shaking her head as she heard Chloe coming after her. "Just because you are going to follow me around right now does not mean that I am going to talk to you," she called over her shoulder, heading out of the building into the fading light. "It isn't like this is even your problem to try and deal with!"
Chloe finally caught up with her, grabbing her arm to spin the shorter woman to face her. "Beca, I love you, and that makes it something I want to deal with.. something that I want to understand! You push people away, I get that, but I want you to stop pushing me away.. because all I want to do is care about you."
The brunette pulled her arm from her girlfriends grip. "Why does everyone seem so hellbent on caring about me?"
"Because we care about you," Chloe said, taking a step towards Beca and sighing when the woman stepped back. "Beca, please don't do this." She couldn't hold back her tears anymore.
"Don't do what?" she snapped.
"Don't push me away. Don't make me leave you alone."
"Don't make you? Don't make you?! The only way I could ever make you leave me alone is if you had some thought about doing that already!" She stopped. "You are pushing me on this because you want that reason, aren't you? You want that reason to leave so the guilt doesn't eat you alive."
Chloe shook her head. "No! I don't want to leave you alone.. I want to take you back inside and calm you down and let you open up to me. I just want to listen to you, and I want you to know that you can talk to me. But, for fucks sake, Beca, I cannot fight you on this forever. Even I have my limits."
"So you are just going to give up on me, is that it? Just like my dad did to my mom! You are just going to.. give up!" she yelled, falling to her knees on the grass. Chloe knelt down, pleacing a hand on Beca's shoulder, sighing when the brunette shrugged her off. "Why don't you just go back to your fancy fucking life in California?"
Chloe stood up, keeping her eyes on Beca. "Why don't you stop contradicting yourself? You tell me that you don't want me to leave you alone, but then you tell me to leave. Is it really that hard for you to believe that someone could care about you so much?" She sighed. "You know what? Fine. I will go home, but I am not going to leave this alone. You know I will drop everything for you." She kissed the top of Beca's head. "I love you," she whispered before turning and walking away.
