"And the worst part is, I knew that something was wrong and I didn't do anything. No matter what happened between us, I should have been there for you. It is my biggest regret, and I'm so sorry."
I read it slowly this time. I make sure that my eyes linger on each word, and take everything in. But still, I feel nothing. I thought I'd feel different, better maybe, after reading the words I'd longed to hear for years. But I've numbed myself to everything for so long that I guess it all really is just in the past now.
I can start over here. No one knows who I am. I can just be me.
The door bursts open as Tina rushes through it, and I jump slightly in my desk chair as the doorknob slams against the wall and ricochets back towards my roommate.
"My bad," Tina says as she stops the door with the palm of her hand and rushes over to me. "I'm just so excited!"
I raise my eyebrows in question. "Yeah, you seem it," I reply. Her chest rises and falls rapidly with her breathing. Did she run up here or something?
"What's that?" She asks, temporarily distracted, and inclines her head toward the letter in my hands.
"Oh, it's nothing," I shrug, and hastily fold the paper back into fourths. I've read it so many times that it folds like cloth; the worn creases make it look as if I've had the letter for quite some time and not just a couple of days. "It's something from a friend. A nostalgic graduation thing. So what are you so excited about?" I shove the letter into the top drawer of my desk, and smiles with renewed excitement.
"Only the hottest guy ever asking me to meet up with him tonight!" She's bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet and it makes me laugh.
Thinking this is going to be a long story, I make my way over to my bed and cannonball into the sheets.
"That hot, huh?" I smirk up at her as I roll onto my stomach and rest my chin on the backs of my hands.
She widens her eyes and nods her head slowly up and down, making it seem like this guy is some Greek god. "Totally. So I told him we'd meet him in front of the Union at that social thingy."
"Wait, what?" I say as I sit up. "Hold up," I raise my hand in protest, "Why do I have to go?"
"Oh come on, I can't show up alone that would be so lame!"
"But you're meeting him there. You're not going alone," I reason.
She huffs in frustration. "But I don't want to look like I don't have any friends."
"We just got here," I argue, "no one has friends yet. Isn't that the point of this whole social thing anyway?"
"Exactly! So we'll go down and meet some new people. It'll be fun!" Tina brings her hands together as if in prayer, begging me.
"And by 'meet some new people' you mean you'll go off with your boy toy and I'll be the one left alone with no friends," I laugh.
"No, no. I don't even know when he's gonna be there. We'll hang out first, I promise. Come on, Santana, pleaseeee?" She gives a little pout, but I just think she looks pathetic. All this over some guy she doesn't even know? He's probably gonna end up being a tool anyways.
"I really wasn't planning on going," I sigh.
"What are you gonna do, just sit around all night by yourself? You've refused to go anywhere for the past two days. What have you been eating, anyway?" She scrunches her eyebrows together, as if just realizing that I'm probably starving to death.
"Cereal," I reply. "I've been setting all of my stuff up. And what if I like being by myself," I add defensively.
Her shoulders droop as she gives up. "Okay," she sighs.
She shuffles back toward the door, deliberately slow. I know she's waiting to see if I'll change my mind. I roll my eyes. As if. I do what I want.
But then something occurs to me: is sitting in my room all night what I want? I mean, that's what I'm used to, but this is my chance to start all over again—and it's walking out the door. I don't have to be alone if I don't want to be.
"Wait," I say before I can stop myself.
She spins around quickly, a hopeful smile on her lips.
"Ugh. Fine. I'll go," I groan as I hop off my bed.
"Really?! Yes! Thank you!" She jumps over to me and flings her arms around my waist, practically tackling me into a bear hug.
"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm awesome," I say as I pat her awkwardly on the back. I'm not used to this. No one touches me except for family. It just doesn't happen. But it's normal for friends to give each other hugs, so I wait a few seconds before pulling away.
"Okay, let's go," she says immediately, and rushes toward the door.
I shake my head with a breathy chuckle, and I lean down to look under my bed for my missing flip-flop. "You're crazy, you know that," I call out to her.
"Yeah, I know," I hear from the hallway, "but you'll learn to love me. Hurry, I already pressed the elevator button!" I find my flip-flop lying near my box of Frosted Flakes and tug it onto my left foot as I hop to the door on one leg.
I check the back pocket of my shorts to make sure I have my keycard for the building before I shut our door. The elevator dings, and Tina steps in and holds the doors open until I get there. Normally I just take the stairs, but at the rate she's moving she'd get to the lobby first, and I don't know if she's even capable of waiting for me at this point. I step inside and the doors close. I look up at the beeping numbers as the elevator descends to the ground floor. 8…7…6…5…4…3…2…
We come to a jerky stop that makes my stomach turn, and I rush out as soon as the doors creak open. I've hated elevators ever since I went on the Tower of Terror at Disney World when I was eight. Whoever thought it was a good idea to take me on a ride with ghosts and a sudden billion-story drop was an idiot.
Tina and I walk past the security guard and out of the lobby. We head toward the Peterson Events Center and begin our trek down what everyone calls "the hill." We live on upper campus. I think I'm going to really like it up here, because it'll be quiet at night and it's not as overrun by students. It kind of stinks that everything else is on lower campus, though. I'll have to wake up earlier to get to class and stuff.
"I really like it up her, don't you?" Tina asks.
"Yeah, I was just thinking about that actually," I nod. "I love how there are always people chillin' on the lawn and stuff."
She looks to her left as we pass the open field between the Event's Center and the dorms. Students are spread across it playing pick-up games of soccer and ultimate Frisbee, and some are just lying on the grass talking with friends. It's nice.
"Yeah, that's pretty cool. I'm not really into sports though. So I'll probably be one of those people just sitting there doing nothing," she laughs. "Like, kudos to those people." She nods to my right and shakes her head, as if they're doing the impossible.
I take in all of the students on the treadmills, ellipticals, bikes, and weights that are on full display behind the large glass wall of the Event's Center. "We're here for, like, a day," she continues, "and they're already exercising more than I have in my entire life probably."
This makes me laugh, and I wonder if she's exaggerating or if she really never works out. "That's actually one of the main reasons I wanted to live up here, though," I say, "I love exercising and wanted to be close to the gym."
"Yeah, right," she nudges me with her shoulder, "no one likes exercising. A lot of people just think it's necessary, so they trick themselves into thinking they like it so they'll be able to push themselves to do it every day."
I just stare at her.
"I choose a much better approach to life, though. I eat what I want, and I don't feel bad about it." She shrugs.
"Well, that's awesome," I say, truly impressed with how comfortable she seems to be with herself. It's like she already knows exactly who she is. "But I actually do like it," I continue. "I like the way it makes me feel. There's no better feeling than the one you get after a good work-out."
"Well, I wouldn't know what that feels like 'cause I'm pretty sure the most exercise I get is when I reach for the remote while watching the Olympics."
I snort and give her a shove. "There's no way you're that bad," I say, because really, she can't be serious right now.
"No, for real," she laughs. "But I'm willing to bet all of my money that sex is a better feeling. I mean, people do say that it's the best kind of exercise," she winks. "Woah, wait!" She holds up her hands and stops walking as if being hit with a revelation. I stop walking too. "In that case, I work out a lot." Her face lights up, "I never really thought about that before. I'm totally an athlete!" She throws a fist in the air in victory.
I'm pretty sure my eyebrows meet my hairline and my mouth drops open a bit. I'm not sure if she's joking or if she's serious.
"Yeah," I laugh awkwardly. "That's one way to burn calories." I clear my throat and change the subject quickly, "So, uh, do you know anyone else who's going to this thing?"
Talking about sex has always made me feel awkward. People get all up in everyone's business and start asking questions.
"Nah," she shrugs, "I haven't really talked to too many people since we got here. Just kinda walked around. But then I ran into Seth, and we totally hit it off." She has this dreamy look on her face, and my first instinct is to scoff at the absurdity of it all. She's probably gonna be one of those girls who's in a relationship a week into school. Like that's gonna last. Whatever, it's none of my business anyway.
"Ah, Josh," I say, acting interested. I really need to work on boy talk. "So that's lover boy's name."
She giggles, "Santana, I'm not in love with the guy. I don't even know him. But he's so hot. And I just wanna have fun anyways. Nothing serious."
"Oh," I reply. I can't figure this girl out. The way she was acting in our room earlier made me think she'd be the type to fall in love with the first cute guy to come her way, but everything she's been saying the past few minutes makes me think the complete opposite. She grabs my arm and steers me to the right.
"Let's cross now while they still have the red light," she says before skipping ahead to the opposite sidewalk.
"Okay," I agree and catch up easily. I don't skip though. That's just awkward. I ask, "It's just along Fifth, right?" I'm not exactly sure where the Union is. I'm still confused by all of the building names and locations.
"Yeah, it's right up there," she says, pointing to a tall building straight ahead and to the right. Okay, I'll remember this now; the Union is right across from the Cathedral of Learning.
It's obvious we're headed to the right place, because the closer we get to the building the louder the music gets. There are students sprawled all over the front lawn sitting in groups. They're just getting to know each other, I assume. Isn't that the point of this thing?
"So where do you wanna sit?" I ask Tina as we walk across the lawn.
A banner with 'WELCOME NEW STUDENTS' printed gold against a blue background is stretched across the porch of the Union, and blue and gold balloons are weighted down around the sidewalk to add some decoration. I feel a surge of pride for my school, which is odd because I've only just arrived. And it's not like I had any pride for my high school.
"Hm, how about riiiiiiiight, here!" Tina draws out before plopping herself on a patch of grass right near the statue of the Pitt Panther.
I sit down beside her and pull my knees to my chest. It's still August, but recently the nights have been really chilly. I should have worn pants.
"What now?" I raise my eyebrows. This was her plan, after all.
"Wait for some guys to sit with us, duh," she responds like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
"Oh yeah?" I laugh, "And what makes you think anyone is gonna want to come sit with us?"
"Please," she holds up a hand as if I've said something ridiculous. "You're hot. I'm hot. Who wouldn't wanna sit with us? You just wait."
She has no shortage of confidence, I gotta say.
"Yeah, okay whatever." I shake my head, and then rest my chin on my arms. I look at the Cathedral. It really is pretty cool. It was one of the reasons I decided to come here. It totally looks like Hogwarts inside. Seriously, if the staircases moved I would just pretend I was a witch all day.
The grass feels cool against my shorts, and I hope I'm not sitting on a wet patch. Just what I need—to look like I peed myself.
"Hey beautiful."
Tina nudges me and I look over at her.
I furrow my eyebrows, "What?"
She nods over my shoulder as I hear, "Over here gorgeous."
I pivot around to see a tall, tan-skinned boy. A dark Mohawk is striped down the center of his head. A Mohawk. Seriously? What is he, twelve?
"Are you talking to me?" I purse my lips. He quirks an eyebrow, and I realize I'm already being defensive. I'm not going to have any friends if I keep this up. Not that I need friends. But still, it'd be nice to have them.
"You're the hottest girl I've seen so far. So yeah, babe, I'm talking to you." He throws me a lop-sided grin, and starts undressing me with his eyes. I choke back a laugh because who would fall for that? He might as well be wearing a sign that says, "douche bag."
I roll my eyes, "Charming."
He crosses his arms, pushing up his biceps. "Not impressed?"
I cross my arms, too, and give him my best bitch face.
He laughs, "Whatever, it's your loss. I'm awesome. And pretty soon you're gonna realize it. But by then it might be too late, I'm a pretty hot commodity." He shoves the dopey-looking tall kid standing next to him, "Am I right, dude?"
"Don't be a jerk, Puck" his friend mumbles.
Puck scrunches up his face in exaggerated offense. "Whatever, Finnocence, I need me some lady lovin'. That's not a crime. You should try it sometime."
Tina starts laughing, and I give her a questioning look. "Wow, guys," she says, "you sure got some game."
"Oh, I got game," Puck insists. "Why don't you come take a walk with me and I'll show you just how smooth I can be," he continues, extending a hand down to her.
She laughs again and pushes his hand away, "Yeah right," she declines, "you just hit on my roommate. What makes you think I wanna be your second choice?"
"You two are roommates?" He looks back and forth between us. "Hot. Do you wrestle and have pillow fights?"
"Okay, you know what," I stand up and brush off my shorts. "I don't need this crap, I'll see you later Tina—"
"No, wait!" Another voice says as I turn to leave. There's another boy standing slightly behind—Finnocence, was it?—who I hadn't even noticed before. His shaggy blonde hair falls slightly in front of his eyes, and he looks surprised that he has just spoken. I don't say anything, but I don't walk away either.
"Please, just," he steps forward a little, but keeps a comfortable distance between us, "I'm sorry about Puck, okay?"
Behind him, Puck snorts and turns to the tall one, "Is he serious?" he hisses.
"He just…comes on a bit strong when you first meet him, but he's really a great guy. I'm Sam," he holds out his hand for me to shake.
I hesitate a second before taking his hand in my own, "Santana," I reply.
He smiles. "Do you mind if we sit with you?" I'm surprised by the question, and I guess it shows in my face because he adds, "Puck won't hit on you anymore." He throws a scolding look over his shoulder and Puck raises his hands, feigning innocence.
"We're just trying to get to know people, too," Sam finishes.
"Sure, you can sit with us!" Tina answers excitedly, and throws me a looks as if to say see, I told you guys would want to sit with us.
"Awesome," Puck says as he plops himself next to my roommate. Finn stands awkwardly for a moment, not really sure what to do before following Puck and taking a seat on the grass. Sam doesn't move though, and it's like he's waiting for my approval. I don't know why he thinks he needs it. He can sit wherever he wants.
"Yeah sure, whatever," I shrug, and the way he smiles it's like I've just given him a puppy. My lips twitch, and I find myself holding back a smile of my own. He just seems different than the other guys. He seems like a genuinely nice person. He sits next to me.
Sam is true to his word; Puck doesn't try anything again, not even with Tina. We all sit facing each other in a small circle, which is silly and makes me feel like we're doing an icebreaker for class.
"So I'm just gonna get this out of the way," Tina says. "What are everyone's majors?"
"Undecided," Puck shrugs. Shocker.
"History," Finn says.
"Oh, that's cool," Tina keeps the conversation going, "I suck at history. Why'd you pick that?"
"Well, my dad lost his life serving in the military, so I've always been interested in learning about wars and stuff. I don't know, I guess just knowing he died fighting for something makes it easier."
"I'm sorry about your dad," I say quietly, because that sucks. I can't imagine losing my dad.
"It's okay," he smiles, "I was really young. It happened a long time ago. Anyway, what about you guys? Majors?"
"Pre-Med," Tina says, "and if anyone says anything about all Asians wanting to be doctors I'll kill you, 'cause I already know," she rushes. She glares at Puck, because he was clearly about to make a joke about just that. He shuts his mouth but doesn't stop himself from laughing, and she punches him in the arm.
"You should meet our friend Mike," he says, "he's pre-med, too, and he's Asian. You'd be like an Asian power couple. Every parents dream and shit."
"Ugh," Tina groans, "no thank you. That is so opposite of what I want. I'm never dating an Asian."
"Why not?" I laugh, and I'm actually curious. I've seen many attractive Asian men, so I don't know why she's so averse to the idea.
"Because, they're just like…ugh, just no." She shakes her head adamantly.
"Our boy's a stud, though," Sam says with a grin, trying to stick up for his friend. "You'd love him, everyone does."
"Aw, that's cute," Tina coos, "it sounds like he's already taken. Don't worry, Sammie, I won't steal your man." She pats him on the head and he blushes in embarrassment.
Puck hoots and rolls onto his back, laughing up at the sky at Tina's joke. My stomach twists, and I feel my own cheeks heat up a bit, so I blurt—"English!"
Everyone turns to look at me, "My major," I clarify, "It's English."
Sam looks grateful, the attention having shifted from him.
"What about it?" Puck props himself up on his arms.
"What do you mean?" I ask, confused by the question.
"Like, poetry, or books, or what?" He clarifies.
"Oh, um," I clear my throat, "Well, I've always wanted to be a teacher, so I'm thinking English literature. But I also really love writing, so I might do that. Nonfiction though, I'm not creative enough to be a fiction writer. I don't know, maybe I'll do both—Literature and nonfiction writing." I shrug.
"That's really cool," Finn says, "you'll make a great teacher." I smile, but it's kind of silly, because how can he possibly know that? He doesn't even know me.
"Thanks," I reply, and then turn to the blonde next to me. "So what about you, Sam?"
"Film studies," he says.
I'm surprised, "Oh, really?" He nods. "That's really cool, actually. I haven't met anyone else studying film."
"Yeah, I've always loved movies," Sam explains, "my dad kind of raised me on them."
"Mine did too!" I exclaim. "He always quotes classic movies, and if I can't recognize what the line is from, or if I haven't seen the movie it's from, he says he failed as a parent."
"Much to learn you still have, my old padawan," Sam says, and holy crap he sounds just like Yoda.
"Dude, enough with the impressions already," Puck whines.
"Never! You're just jealous cause I'm awesome at them and you're not," Sam grins.
"Star Wars?" I smirk, "you're such a dork."
"Ah," he puts an arm around my shoulders, "but you knew exactly what it was from, so look who's talking," he responds. And damn, he's got me there.
I shrug off his arm. "Whatever," I laugh.
"Oh my God," Puck claps his hands together and has a sickly-sweet grin on his face, "You two are just the cutest nerds!" He turns to Finn, "Soul mates? I think so!"
"Don't be a dick," Sam shoves him. But he's still grinning, and Tina and Finn are laughing. Hearing Puck talk in that girly voice was actually pretty funny, even if he was making fun of me.
I shake my head, not bothered by the immaturity that surrounds me. I lean back and support myself with my arms, my fingers sinking into the cool grass beneath me. I glance toward the cathedral again but am distracted by a kid on the street corner straight ahead of me. I don't know anything about fashion, but one look at this kid and I know he's got it. I also know he's gay. And I also know that the two massive jocks in football jerseys heading towards him most certainly are not.
"What makes you think you can dress like that on my campus and get away with it?" The large black one says, giving the kid a shove that makes him take a few steps back. "I don't want to look at you all day, so the next time I see you, you better dress normal, faggot," he says, spitting the word at him.
The white one pushes the kid again, and this time he actually falls to the ground. My fingers sink further into the soil as my hands try to clench in fists. Who do these guys think they are? You can't just treat someone like that. And I try to stand. I try to push myself off the ground to help this kid, because he looks so scared. And he shouldn't have to be scared. This is college. It's supposed to be different. Everything is supposed to be different after high school, that's what they tell you. But I can't move. I try to, but I can hardly breathe.
But suddenly there's a flash of blonde. At first I think it must be Sam, because it's the same bleached blonde color that I've been sitting with for the past hour. But it's a girl. He hair is in a high pony tail, and she's wearing gym shorts, a T-shirt, and running shoes; it's literally like she ran here to save the day. She's gorgeous. I can tell that her eyes are blue from here, and her legs are long, and pale and muscular. She's not smiling, but I bet if she were, everyone around her would have to smile, too.
She marches straight up to the kid on the ground and takes both of his hands in hers. She says something to him, but I can't hear her from here. The kid looks as if he's going to cry, but he allows himself to be helped to his feet. The girl brushes her hands against his shoulders and arms, wiping away all of the dirt that is soiling his carefully chosen outfit.
I expect her to leave then, to just let it go. But she doesn't. Once she's sure the gay kid is okay, she whips around and shoves the white kid. Hard. He steps back a little, caught off guard.
"What is wrong with you?" She says, and she's loud enough that I can hear her now. She's not yelling, but her voice carries. Her face is stony and her lips are pressed into a thin line.
"And you!" She says, pushing the black guy. "Who the hell do you think you are? Who are you to tell someone how to dress, who to be?"
"Why do you care, you dumb bitch?" He yells. He steps towards her, and I feel my legs twitch. I guess they've decided that they do, in fact, know how to work.
"Yeah," she retorts, "cause I'm sure it takes real brainpower to get pushed around a football field all day." The gay kid is just standing there like he doesn't know what to do.
"I get pushed around?!" He steps forward again, fast, and his friend has to grab his shoulder to hold him back. "You wanna see someone get pushed around, little girl? I'll show you how to push someone around." His friend is really holding him back now.
The gay kid steps forward. "You're not going to touch her," he says with as much courage as he can muster.
"Get out of my face, faggot!" He roars. And goes to raise his fist, but again, his friend stops him.
"Dude, it's not worth it," he grunts, "when you bust his face he'll bleed all over you. You don't wanna catch queer."
I sit forward, and go to push myself up, but there's a hand on my arm. I snap my face around to see Sam gently keeping me where I am. He shakes his head slightly, "Don't go over there."
I shrug him off of me. "What if they get hurt?" I say.
"What if you do?" He responds.
But I don't care. I don't care about me. I should have been there in the first place, helping that kid. Now he and this other girl might end up getting hurt because I wasn't fucking fast enough.
"If it gets out of hand I'll take care of things," Sam adds, which causes me to relax a little.
But the black kid huffs and pulls back. He spits on the gay kid's boots and then backs away. "You better watch your back, homo," he sneers. His friend laughs and they turn to walk away.
"Maybe you should watch yours," the blonde says to their retreating backs. Azimio #87. Karofsky #49.
"Yeah, whatever you say Blondie," the Karofsky taunts, and then they're gone. Just quick as it started it's over. The students farther away on the Union lawn didn't even notice anything happened.
"Well, fuck," Puck exhales. "That chick was hot."
"That's was so scary," Tina says, "I didn't think stuff like that happened here."
"It doesn't, usually," Sam replies, "this is a safe campus for everyone, that's what I've heard."
The gay kid says something to the blonde and pulls her into a hug, but they're talking softly again and I can't hear them.
He breaks away and crosses the street, moving on with his life as if stuff like this happens every day. This is why people are afraid to be themselves, shit like this. The blonde waves to him, and then turns. She catches my eye. I'm surprised, because I've been watching her this whole time, but never thought she'd take any notice of me. I'm just a face in the crowd. She doesn't look away, and it feels like she's looking into me. Like she can see that I wanted to help, but couldn't make myself move. Like she knows something about me that I don't. She tilts her head to the side slightly, studying me, and the corner of her mouth lifts into a smile. I swallow thickly, and feel my heart beat a little faster. I feel the heat on my cheeks and immediately lower my gaze.
I glance at Tina and the boys, and am thankful that they're still gossiping about what just happened and haven't noticed the exchange between the blonde and me.
I look up again, but the girl isn't standing on the street corner. I'm disappointed to see her retreating form jogging away down Forbes, past Carnegie Mellon, and I feel the urge to run after her—to just get up and sprint as if my life depended on it.
I shake my head, ridding myself of these thoughts as I turn toward Tina and the boys again. I pretend to listen to their conversation.
What the hell just happened?
