Chapter 2
Mary stood in front of the sink of the public toilet, her hands shaking with the tension of the last few minutes. Her heart still raced from her short interaction with Matthew. The room was empty, but still she forced herself not to cry.
As she gripped the counter, she allowed herself to remember the last time she'd seen Matthew four years earlier.
There was a sudden rap on the door, causing Mary to start from the file she'd been working on for her internship. It was after ten in the evening, but she knew Matthew would come by at some point. She walked to the door, wondering why he wasn't using his key to let himself in.
"Darling, where's your key?" she asked tiredly, kissing his cheek out of habit and her general pleasure at seeing him. Despite the fact that he seemed to be in a foul mood. Only the opening of the door had stopped his incessant knocking.
"I forgot it," Matthew said, stalking across the threshold of her apartment. He looked more agitated than she'd ever seen him. She shut the door and followed him into the dining room-slash-living room where he started to pace like a madman, as though something was weighing heavily on his shoulders.
"What's wrong?" she asked with confusion.
"I heard back from the University of Manchester today. I was accepted to their Ph.D. law program," he said, running his hands through his hair. He chanced a look at her and Mary saw something that looked like desperation in his eyes.
"Manchester?" she asked, sitting on the couch. "Manchester?" she repeated, the octave of her voice rising in panic.
"Yes," Matthew said, taking a seat beside Mary. He reached out and took her hands in his, staring at them as he ran his fingers over the backs of her hands.
"I knew you applied, but that was months ago. Didn't you apply somewhere closer to London?"
"Of course I did. But they gave me the best aid. Tuition reimbursement, a stipend. And Manchester is only two hours away by train," he said quietly. "Or you could come with me."
"What?" she asked, pulling her hands from his grip and getting to her feet. She started pacing now, unable to process Matthew's words. "Move to Manchester?"
"Mary, this is the best opportunity for me," he said, watching her as she moved about the room. "You know I can't afford to pay for something like this. Not all of us have trust funds."
"Please, don't bring up the difference in our financial situations," she said, growing annoyed as she walked away from him. "That's hardly my fault. I have my internship here and a great prospect of a job once I'm through. Couldn't this be the best opportunity for me?" She asked him.
"Mary-" Matthew said and she turned toward him. He was no longer sitting on the couch, but had knelt down a few feet from her, a small box in his outstretched hand.
"Oh, God, Matthew. What are you doing?" she asked, her heart contracting madly.
"Marry me," he said, opening the box to reveal a small ring.
"Matthew," she said with a moan. "Why are you doing this?"
He got to his feet. "Because I love you," he said, taking her hand again. He softly kissed her palm, sending a chill down Mary's neck. "Please come with me," he breathed, his lips still against her palm.
"Please don't ask me to do that," she replied, slipping her hand out of his grip. She avoided his gaze and crossed to the window, looking out on the city without seeing anything. Her eyes burned as she forced herself not to cry. She hated shows of emotion when she was angry or upset. Even in front of Matthew, she never let herself break down completely.
"Why?" he asked. He took a few steps closer to her, but maintained his distance.
"We're too young to get married," she said, not entirely believing the words herself. "Everyone would say so." Despite her feelings for Matthew, fear gripped at the edges of her mind, forcing her to be rational.
"Screw everyone else," Matthew said and she turned around to look at him. He closed the gap between them as he spoke. "Do you love me enough to spend your life with me? If you don't then say no. If you do, then say yes."
"I want to-" she began, blood rushing in her ears as Matthew touched her cheek with his fingertips. She inhaled sharply. He had obviously been in the library all day, for he smelled like parchment and laundry detergent.
"Mary."
He whispered her name gently, like a kiss, as he put his other hand on her waist to gently pull her close. His fingers trailed down to her neck and he held her gaze, the intensity in his eyes making it hard to exhale. Neither of them seemed to breathe for a moment and Mary could only hear the sound of her own heartbeat and a slight ringing in her ears.
After what seemed like an eternity, Matthew bent forward to slowly close the remaining space between them. Unable to wait for him any longer, Mary suddenly pressed her lips against his. She seemed to take him by surprise and caused him to stumble backward slightly before he regained his footing. Mary's back was against the wall, her hands gripping the sides of Matthew's face.
Mary could feel his smile form against her lips, but she ignored it. She knew this kiss wasn't what he thought it was. She ran her fingers through his hair, across his neck, his chest. She wanted to memorize everything about him. She kissed his jaw, her lips moving down to his neck.
"Mary," he repeated her name. His voice was so tender, his hands so gentle on her skin that she had to pull away. "Is that a yes?" he asked, still smiling as he brushed his thumb against her cheek.
She kissed his palm for the last time and pulled away. She felt her eyes burn once again, sure she would cry at any moment.
"Nothing's changed," she said. "We can't get married."
Mary saw a shadow of pain fall over Matthew's face and Mary felt as though her heart had dropped into her stomach. She knew she was causing this pain, but she couldn't stop herself. She couldn't marry him.
"I'm not a puppet," he said angrily, stepping away from her.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, dropping her gaze to the floor so he wouldn't see how close she was to crying.
Neither of them spoke for a few minutes. Finally, Matthew broke the silence.
"I'm just glad I found this out now. Before we went and did something stupid," he said, his voice thick with emotion. "I guess this is it for us, Mary. I must take charge of my own life again."
He turned to leave, but he first set the box holding the ring on the coffee table. As he walked toward the door, Mary spoke.
"Would you have stayed if I had accepted you?" she asked. Matthew stopped and turned toward her.
"Of course," he replied. Mary swallowed, unable to stop a few tears from falling down her cheeks.
"So I've ruined everything?" she said, wiping at her eyes.
"You've shown me I've been living in a dream, and it's time to return to real life," Matthew said, his own eyes wet with tears.
He looked at her for another moment, longing in his eyes. Mary wanted to ask him to stay, but she couldn't bring herself to utter the words. She was much too stubborn to ask, and much too selfish to give up everything. Her heart ached with sadness as she stared at the man she loved, knowing that she was willingly letting him go.
"Wish me luck with it, Mary. God knows I wish the best for you."
After these final words, he turned on his heel and left. The door clicked softly as it shut behind him, but it sounded loud and hollow in the emptiness of the room.
Mary sat down beside the coffee table, her fingers wrapping around the small box he'd left behind. She pressed her lips against the velvet box, allowing the tears to fall freely now that she was alone.
"Mary?"
She pulled herself from her daydream, her eyes damp with remembrance as she turned her head to look at Anna. She blinked away her tears, forcing herself to smile.
"Are you alright?" Anna asked, coming up beside Mary and placing a gentle hand on her friend's arm.
"Oh, Anna," Mary said, her composure breaking slightly. "Why did he have to come here?" she asked as Anna searched through her handbag for a tissue. She handed one to Mary who blotted at her eyes.
"I know it's hard, but Tom's his best friend," Anna said in an attempt to be comforting. "Was this the first time you'd spoken since it happened?"
Mary swallowed. After his failed marriage proposal, Matthew had gone to Manchester and Mary hadn't seen or heard from him since. She avoided hearing any news about him, even from Tom, with whom he had clearly remained in contact. And her friends learned to never speak of him.
"Yes, but I was just being stupid," Mary said, drying her eyes hastily. "I have no reason to feel the way I do."
"Surely that's not true," Anna said gently. "After everything, it's natural that you still care about him."
Mary nodded. "I just never expected to see him again," she said truthfully.
After a moment, she said, "I should probably get back to the party." She forced another smile. She knew she'd be wearing it the rest of the night.
"I'll meet you in there," Anna said, giving her friend's arm another gentle squeeze. Mary nodded, leaving Anna in the loo.
She was determined to pretend she was fine.
No one could know that she was still in love with Matthew Crawley.
[Please note that I've included some of the dialogue from season 1, episode 7 for this chapter. Downton Abbey is property of Julian Fellowes, not me. Within the flashback, dialogue from the show is not italicized. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and favorited the story so far! I really appreciate your feedback and lovely comments. And thanks to my bestie, Kristin, for all her help and ideas!]
