Chapter title=Seinfeld reference. Yay! ;p
Two hours later...
"Okay, I've done your dirty work." Kiyan tossed a bag full of boxes onto the pactagonal table. "Those Sneevil-Ninja things are hilarious."
Flashback
"FOR BOXIES!" The Sneeninjas shrieked. They all charged at Kiyan and leaped into the air to kick her.
She stepped aside and they fell off the building.
"I also got Sir Jing's weapons for Sir Casm and Sir Vivor. Any other quests for me to do?"
"Not especially. You could ask the other knights, I suppose."
"I already checked up on Sir Pernatural. It was such a letdown. His name isn't even a real pun."
Kiyan exited the main building and handed a letter to Sir Viss, the mailknight. (A/N: I am reaaaalllly surprised that AE hasn't figured that pun out yet)
Dear Raicom,
I'll be late. SUCK IT.
Love, Kiyan
"BOO!" A knight jumped out of the shadows and startled the rogue.
Kiyan was unimpressed. "You must be Sir Prize."
"Yeah, kid. Hey...you wanna do something fun?"
"...THOSE LAST TWO SENTENCES DID NOT MATCH UP!"
"Sir Kuss thinks he's so brilliant. He's always trying to outprank me. I'm gonna teach him a lesson..." Sir Prize seemed to be deep in thought. "And, also, I think I'll tell the other knights that they'll get a prize if they don't attack the Sneevils or something, just to see how far it would go."
"Wow. You must be very bored."
"So, what do you say?"
"Uh...okay...I guess..."
On top of a hill, next to an outhouse...
"I should really bring this Daily Dragon article back for Sir Valance. He's obsessed with Sneevils."
"...OH COME ON! What're the odds of an outhouse being on top of a hill?!"
"...Is someone there?"
Kiyan sighed inwardly as she uttered her lines in a monochromatic tone. "Sir Prize sends his regards."
"What?"
"SURPRISE!" She gave the outhouse a big shove. It tipped over and slid down the hill, tumbling over some rocks along the way.
Sploosh!
"Oh man...oh, man...it's everywhere..." Sir Kuss sounded extremely disturbed. "Eww...it's in my Sneevil wounds..."
Kiyan shook her head as she ran away. "I hate how funny that was."
"You're just...you're just MEAN...! This'll never wash off..."
"KIYAN! Where have you been?" Sir Valance cried.
"Uh...nowhere. Why?"
"The Sneevils have invaded the Keep!"
"Woah. I was only gone for about ten minutes. It's a really long walk to that outhouse, you know. You should put it in a more convenient location."
"That's not the point!" Sir Valance grabbed her and shook her violently. "The point is that they want to take our boxes!"
"What's with you and these boxes?" Kiyan gasped suddenly. "Are you a Sneevil?"
Ignoring her, Sir Valance continued; "FIGHT THEM! FIGHT THEM!"
"Okay, okay," A group of Sneevils passed them, each carrying a box. "Hold on, pipsqueaks," She grabbed one of their heads. "What are you planning to do with those?"
The Sneevils just stared at her.
"Never mind. Maybe I don't want to know." Kiyan shuddered.
"We really don't have time for this," Sir Valance hissed. "They're after the Ironwood Box-I just know it."
"The whaaa?"
"Ironwood Box."
"You didn't tell me about that!"
"Really? Sorry. Anyway, two of them were sent to us. One is a decoy. You need to save the real one."
"Fine. You guys guard the entrance so they can't leave."
"But we want-" Kiyan disappeared into the main building before Sir Valance could finish.
Fifteen minutes later...
Empty. The box was empty. Kiyan blinked at it in disbelief.
"The decoy," She muttered. She headed down the stairs, stepping on some of the fainted Sneevils in the process. "Oh, well. They couldn't have gotten very far. The knights are guarding the en-Aaaaah!" The courtyard seemed completely empty. Kiyan had never noticed how many boxes the Keep owned; everything was gone, save for five knights standing by the gate.
"Why did you let them go?" She demanded. Sir Preem looked down sheepishly.
"We wanted the prize."
"I did it!" Kiyan announced, dragging an iron box into the courtyard. "Don't ask how. It involves one annoyed Sneevil king, one piece of rope, and a banana peel used in a nontraditional, semi-illegal way." (A/N: I am curious to see how male readers would interpret this. .)
"Wow!"
"She's a heroine!"
"All hail Kiyan!"
"Relax. It's just a box." She shrugged.
"IT'S NOT JUST A BOX!" A blonde, heavily-armored man that Kiyan had never seen before stood up and strode towards her. "That contains an important shipment of enchanted rings from the Good King Alteon. It cost him a fortune, but it was worth it. These will keep our knights protect the Keep even better."
"How are you going to wear rings if all of you have armor on?"
The man fell silent.
"ZOMG plot hole."
"...That's not important. Anyway, on behalf of King Alteon, I thank you for retrieving them. I personally think you've earned one." He knelt down, opened the box, pulled out a gold ring with a ruby, and handed it to Kiyan. "This will help increase your endurance and remind you always of your good deeds. Thank you, brave hero." The other knights applauded.
"Let's Sir Round-I mean, surround her and cheer her on!"
"I know it's informal, but it's a beautiful Sir Emoni-I mean, ceremony!"
"Stop accidentally cracking puns. We don't want the Captain to give us another Sir Mon-I mean, sermon."
"Okay. THAT'S IT! Back inside!" The man barked. The knights grumbled under their breaths and filed into the main building. Kiyan stared at the man.
"I'm Kiyan. Who are you, exactly?"
"I'm Captain Rolith." Rolith shook Kiyan's hand.
"Oh, good. Lady Celestia wanted me to tell you that she's taking the shortcut."
"WHAT?! You saw the Priestess on the way here?!"
"Yeah."
"She should've stopped over at the Keep! The forest is crawling with bandits looking for her!" Rolith grabbed Kiyan and shook her.
"Two times in one day. Woah."
"You need to save her!"
"Woooow. Do you have a crush or something?"
The Captain started to sweat. "Uh...no..."
"Ooo...kay...I'll get right to it, then."
"Hand over the box and we'll kill you quickly." A thin, lanky man was confronting Lady Celestia. Two Darkwolves stood behind him, rubbing their maces with their gloved hands. Kiyan arrived just in time to rush in between them. She pointed the Shipwreck at the man.
"Hold up! I don't know who you are, but you'd better back off!" Kiyan snapped. She pulled out one of her daggers and held it in her free hand.
"We need to protect the Black Dragon Box at all costs," Celestia whispered. The man scowled and glared at Kiyan haughtily.
"I am Drakath, the rightful prince of these lands!"
"Yes, and I'm Kiyan, the queen of chocolate fairyworld and all its inhabitants."
"Really?"
"No."
"Whatever," Drakath snorted. "I don't need to waste my time on peasants like you."
"Really? Like what your dad did when he married your mom?"
"Burn!" Celestia cheered.
"That box is the key to my throne. There's no way I'm letting a peasant like you keep it from me. My Darkwolves and I will take it, no matter what."
"So you must be the new leader of the...? Oh, yes. Of course, Prince Drakath, sir. I take back what I said earlier."
"Huh. Interesting."
"Your dad never married your mom!"
"That's it!" Drakath hoisted his sword above his head. The Darkwolves ran to their leader's side. "You will be blown away by the winds of my great destiny! DIE!"
Kiyan ducked under his sword and slashed one of the Darkwolves' legs. He let out a howl of pain and collapsed on the ground. The other bandit charged at her and managed to land a blow to her right arm. Biting her lip, she kicked him in the shin and whacked him with the Shipwreck.
Drakath let out a scream of rage and swung his sword at her, scratching her cheek. She blocked his next attack and cuffed his face. Seeing an opening, she ran her dagger down his arm. He staggered back, gaping in a mix of astonishment and anger.
"Impossible! You got lucky this time, rogue!" Drakath spat.
"My name is Kiyan! Remember it!"
Meanwhile, a passing Sneevil noticed the Black Dragon Box. It picked it up and scampered away, squealing happily.
"Oh, I will remember..." Drakath hissed. "You can count on that." He stepped over the unconscious bodies of his comrades and teleported away.
"Whew! I'm so glad I got to you in time, Lady Celestia!" Kiyan bowed to her respectfully.
"As am I. Unfortunately, while you were smack-talking, a Sneevil came along and stole the Box."
"WHAT?!"
"You should go to Falconreach and visit Twilly. He has some friends that can help you. There's a new bridge up ahead that's guarded by Sir Pent. It's a fast way to get there; it's cut the normal traveling time in half."
"Fine, but...why didn't you tell me about the Sneevil?"
"You were on a roll, with your speech and all. I really couldn't have interrupted you just like that. That would've been rude."
"Yeah, that was pretty nice of yo-What the flip am I saying?" Kiyan darted away. "I need to get that freaking box!"
"Good luck!" Celestia called. "I hope your journey is not too difficult!"
Two days later...
"Give us all your gold," The bandits snarled. Three mace-wielding Darkwolves stood in front of Kiyan. One of them pushed his face close to hers and growled threateningly.
"I would love to, but the thing is, I have...uh...iousuflsdfosephobia."
"Whaaaat?"
"Yes. I have a fear of gold."
"But then...how do you buy food or shelter?"
"I don't. I live in a cardboard box in the middle of the forest. When I get hungry, I take a bite out of it. Or I munch on my fingernails. Whichever. Also, I scream every time I see Al Roker's head, because it's shiny, like gold. (A/N: Non-canon! Non-canon!)
"Oh. Very sorry to bother you, miss," The bandits parted, allowing a snickering Kiyan to pass.
A blue, slightly scarred Moglin stood on top of a stump. He was holding a staff with a skull perched on it, and was wearing a dark blue cape. A brown blob lay on the ground next to him. He grinned and waved at the rogue.
"Hi! Who are you?" Kiyan called.
"Zorbak, the mighty necromancer!"
Kiyan noticed the furry form next to the Moglin. "What's that?"
"Just a man-eating bear," Zorbak said dismissively.
"Won't PETA get mad?"
"No, stupid. The bear eats you," Zorbak hopped off his stump and scurried away. "Have fun. Mehehehe!"
Kiyan stared at the bear expectantly. It gave a loud snore and rolled over.
"Idiot Moglin," She muttered. The rogue was about to continue on her merry way when Zorbak let out a loud holler.
"HEY, BEAR! WAAAAKE UP!"
"Idiot Moglin!" Kiyan raged. Sir Pent seemed to look at her sympathetically.
"Zorbak?" He guessed.
"Unfortunately, yes." The rogue stepped onto the bridge. "Wow, it's so...peaceful. Must get boring, just standing here every day, huh?"
A sea serpent smashed through the bridge and screeched at Kiyan. Two other heads emerged and flanked it. One of them rammed into the knight, slamming him against the support beam.
"Not really," Sir Pent mumbled as he passed out.
"Oh, crap." One of the secondary heads lunged at her, knocking her off her feet. She managed to score its eyes with the Shipwreck, blinding it. The main head snapped at her as the other smaller head spewed out water bombs.
Kiyan thrust her dagger into the other smaller head's cheek. It let out a loud shriek and crashed into the largest one. The two tiny heads jostled with each other briefly before disappearing beneath the water.
The remaining one smacked Kiyan aside and tried to bite her. She jammed the Shipwreck into its mouth, pushed it away, and threw the dagger into its neck. Green blood oozed out of the wound. The serpent let out one final screech before letting its head fall limp.
Its body sank back into the sea's depths, leaving its head lodged in the hole it had created.
Kiyan helped Sir Pent up to his feet. "Now what?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, that Hydra-thing just broke your bridge."
"Oh, no, that's fine," Sir Pent said dismissively. "It's really simple. Just walk on it."
"Ew. Well, thanks for the heads-up. I can tell where this is headed. I'll do it, even if it means I guess I'll go on a head, huh?"
"Are you done?"
"Yeah."
Falconreach was beautiful. Kiyan could see a Guardian Tower on top of a cliff, next to a portal of some sorts. She noticed a tiny, inviting building in the distance. Coming closer, she saw the word 'INN' scrawled on a sign. In front of it stood a spiky-haired boy wearing makeshift armor.
"Um...hey..." The boy waved at her shyly.
"Hi." Kiyan walked up to him. "You are...?"
"My name's Ash; the town page," He introduced himself. "You must be Kiyan. Raicom told me about you."
"Really? That's sweet."
"Uh..."
Two weeks earlier...
"And (hic) then, I said 'Wowies! That's a big pancake!'...What was I talking about? (hic)" Raicom took another swig of his health potion. He and Ash were the only ones awake in the inn. Several empty bottles were strewn about their table and the floor. The page sighed and shook his head.
"Dude, you're drunk."
"I AM NOT DRUNK. I'm Raicom."
"...Yet you still manage to make stupid jokes."
"That was (hic) not a (hic) joke (hic)."
"Right..."
"Have I told you about my childhood friend/pseudo-girlfriend?"
"I don't think so, no. I am, however, wondering how you managed to say "slash" in a spoken sentence."
"Her name's Kiyan. I'm gonna send her an invitation to come here. And stuff." The warrior downed his potion. "I NEED MORE OF THESE!" He yelled at a chair. It failed to reply. "The service here is terrible," He complained. "HEY! Do you know who I am?" No answer. "Seriously! SOMEONE TELL ME WHO I AM!"
"You're Raicom."
"I'M DRUNK!"
"Er, yes. Yes it was," Ash coughed.
"Do you know where he is?"
"Oh, actually, he's visiting Willowshire right now. He'll be returning in later in the day. I think he said something about you "missing him 'cause you were too busy helping all of the pun-orientated knights with their box crazy problems and stuff and man this is a run-on sentence." I'm not sure. I don't get what the guy's saying more than half of the time."
"That's too bad," Kiyan paused. "Nah, screw 'im. What about Twilly?"
"He's gone too." Ash pointed at the building. "Why don't you wait in there? The innkeeper's real nice. From the looks of you, I think you'd be great friends."
With a grateful nod to Ash, Kiyan opened the Inn's door.
"Hello!" A short-haired, blonde girl greeted the rogue. "Welcome to my Inn! Would you like to rent a room?"
"No thanks. I'm just waiting for someone."
"I'm Sabrina." The girl noticed Kiyan's weapons and flashed her a coy smile. "Psst. Come to the back. You seem worthy enough; I'll show you something cool."
The backroom was dark and foreboding. Sabrina took Kiyan's hand and led her to a sheet-covered chest. She bent down and unlocked it.
"Would you like to buy a Doom Weapon?" Sabrina dug through the chest.
"Uh...pardon?"
"A Doom Weapon. You know, the epitome of power, strength and whatnot." The innkeeper drawled. Sabrina stood up and showed Kiyan a black axe, a pair of daggers, and a short staff. They gleamed brightly, despite (or maybe due to) the lack of light. The rogue dared to lay a finger on the axe. An overwhelmingly feeling of hate flowed through her body, causing her to pull away quickly.
"No, I'm sorry. I barely have enough gold for food," Kiyan fibbed.
Sabrina seemed disappointed. "Oh, okay."
"(Gosh, this is the fifth-ish time I've done this all day) My name's Kiyan. I'll see you around, all right?"
"Sure." Sabrina gave an unusually knowing grin to Kiyan. "You will."
