Chapter 2: Grief and Murder
Squidward woke with a start. That's the way he always did when someone was in his house. Someone that wasn't SpongeBob and Patrick, of course. Especially SpongeBob. Not that dumbass, Patrick.
What's going on?, thought Squidward. Why is someone in my house besides SpongeBob and Patrick?
He finally sat up from his blue couch, only to see the ugliest fish ever. Oh, Frank's precious wife. Why is she precious to him again? Wait, where's Frank?, thought Squidward frantically, as his veins began to pop out of his big ass blue head.
He got up from his couch and walked up to Frank's ugly ass wife. "Hey!", he screamed. " What the fuck are you doing here, you whore!"
She got down from his table that she was sitting on and held out a bowl toward him. "Oh, hi, Squidward",she said with a wink. "You got up just in time. I made watermelon for you". With that she picked up a piece of the watermelon in the bowl and moved it toward his mouth.
Squidward was shocked for a moment. No women had ever flirted with him before. He was too ugly for that. Then he came right back to his senses when he saw the watermelon. The number of seeds. There was only three. His veins popped out of his head even more as he smacked it straight out of her hand. "Are you fucking crazy? I can't eat anything with an odd number in it! Now get the fuck of my house!
She laid down on his couch. "But why? That big nose of yours is just too cute to leave behind. Oh and my name is Susie, by the way." She held out her hand and Squidward grabbed it.
He held onto it for a few seconds. "Nice to meet you Susie. Now goodbye." He swung her around, kicked the door open, and then kicked her through it. Then he slammed the door and ran up his stairs, into his bathroom, slamming the door again.
He sighed and slid down to the floor.
All of a sudden, he heard a noise behind and saw a pink cone pop in front of his face. Patrick. Squidward mentally prepared for the worst.
But Patrick was frowning. "I'm sorry Squidward. I clogged your toilet again." He hung his head in shame.
Squidward was shocked. He'd never actually gotten an apology from anyone, especially not Patrick. He got up and looked in the toilet. It was clogged all right. Squidward strained his head, but he just could not find the energy to get angry, so instead he just gave a long sigh and looked Patrick in the eyes. "It's okay, Patrick. I forgive you. Now get out." Patrick gave his own long sigh and climbed out the window, cracking it several times. Squidward didn't even sigh this time. He was too busy collapsing on the floor. He didn't even sigh when he heard Patrick's loud sobs.
…
The next morning, Squidward opened his eyes slowly and sat up, yawned, and stretched. He pulled down the covers. His eyes almost immediately flew open when he realized he was in his underwear. His plain yellow underwear with black polka dots.
He finally found the energy to get mad. His big head got bigger and his veins popped out more than they had in a long time. Oh, yeah, he was going to get SpongeBob. Right now, in fact.
Without putting on any other clothing, he ran down the hallway toward the stairs. He only stopped just long enough to go into the bathroom and grab Susie out of his precious bathtub where she was passed out and throw her out out the broken window. And into the trash can she goes, thought Squidward. Because she's a big shitty piece of trash.
After he finished with that, he continued his journey to the pineapple next door, stomping down the stairs and straight through his front door. He continued stomping and walked faster after he got outside. He didn't bother knocking once he arrived. He just walked right in. After all, this was SpongeBob's payback for all those times he walked in without knocking just to say hi and pester him until Squidward freaked and kicked SpongeBob out.
He marched up the wooden stairs to SpongeBob's room. He knew exactly where it was from the time he's stolen SpongeBob's bed.
He walked in and saw a lump under Spongebob's floral bed and screamed so hard that wind came and blew the blanket off the lump.
"SPONGEBOB, YOU FUCKING WHORE. WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME IN MY UNDERWEAR, YOU FUCKING BASTARD?" He noticed it was Frank sitting up on the bed with wide eyes and not Spongebob. "Goddamnit, SpongeBob. What the fucking hell did you do?'' He walked closer. "Oh no, you can't hide from me, you dipshit. Now take that damn orange suit off and look me in the eyes, you twit." Frank didn't move. He was paralyzed with absolute shock "No? Well then I"LL FIX YOU UP MYSELF THEN."
Squidward ran backwards toward SpongeBob's closet and Frank sighed with relief. The psycho was finally gone. Just as he thought that though, Squidward ran back with two bottles of yellow paint fisted up in his hand. Frank's last thought was, "Oh neptune", before yellow paint was squirted all over his head, down his shirt, and into his pants. It barely missed his ass.
Frank's eyes went wide again and he stared at Squidward until he tackled him onto the bed. He felt something being stuck in his eye and then something wet. "There", Squidward growled. "Now, you have big blue eyes, SpongeBob."
Frank began to panic. "Susie!" he yelled. "This psycho is hurting me." No answer, of course.
The worst was yet to come though. Squidward had grabbed a tube and was pointing it at Frank, who screamed. "Ahhhhhhhhhh!"
"Sorry SpongeBob, but it's for you own good'', Squidward yelled over the noise . Now stop trying to be a fish, bastard. You are a sponge." With that he stabbed Frank in the face with the tube and in other places, until there were holes all over his body. Frank screamed the entire time, bleeding in gore.
"There", Squidward murmured softly. "Now for the fun part."
Squidward started crushing Frank's bones down into a square, rearranging them to where he looked more sponge like with blood pouring out of his holes.
Squidward looked closely at Frank. "Perfect." Then he quickly ran back to his house and grabbed the embarrassing snapshot of Spongebob from the Christmas party. Then he ran back and held it in front of Frank, comparing the two. Slowly, his frown got bigger and bigger until it couldn't get bigger anymore.
"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS THIS?" Squidward screamed louder than ever before. "YOU"RE NOT SPONGEBOB. YOU"RE AN IMPOSTUROUS BASTARD."
Frank started yelling back. "Oh my fucking Neptune! How crazy are you? I thought we were friends Squidy.''
"NO ONE CALLS ME SQUIDY, BUT SPONGEBOB. I KILLED YOUR WIFE."
"Whaaaaat?" Frank screeched.
"And now I'm going to kill you, ha ha." Squidward was starting to giggle softly as he pulled out a bomb and detonated it.
"Nooooooooooo. What has this place become?" Frank began to sob uncontrollably.
Squidward stuck the bomb in Frank's yellow ass and ran down the stairs. "GOODBYE MOTHERFUCKER", he said while laughing uncontrollably. The bomb exploded just as he ran out the door. It knocked Squidward down, but he got up quickly and ran to the Krusty Krab.
