Author's Notes: Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit. This fic is more a series of snapshots than an actual progression of events, and I rely on mostly dialogue to tell the story. If you like it, please let me know. If you don't like it, please let me know because otherwise how will I ever improve? Also, if this title is already taken, please let me know and I will change the name.

Obviously I was still relying on almost purely dialogue in this chapter. That does change eventually!

Dedicated to The Brat Prince because not only is she the coolest thing ever, she managed to get me writing again. Well, her and James both. Thanks for the prodding (and suggestions!), my darling. And thanks for the proofreading on this as well.

And a HUGE thank you to 0ni_baba for previewing this and encouraging me to continue with such sweet words. I love you, babe!


"Where's your mommy, Logan?"

"She had to work."

"Your mommy works a lot."

"She has a 'portant job."

"My mommy's over there in the window."

"I can see her, Kendall."

"Are you scared, Logan?"

"No."

"Yuh-huh."

"Nuh-uh."

"Do you think the teacher will be nice?"

"Teachers are always nice. Like policemen."

"Member that police man at the library? With the dog? I want a dog."

"Me, too. Mommy says I'm 'lergic though."

"That's why we can't get a dog. Mommy says you come over all the time and we can't get a dog cause of you."

"Oh. Sorry."

"It's okay. You watch Barney with me."

"I don't like Barney."

"I know, but you watch with me."

"Yeah. He's big and scary and laughs funny."

"But all the kids get to do cool stuff with him."

"I like Mr. Wizard."

"Who?"

"Mr. Wizard. Mommy showed me him. He's really smart."

"Barney's not smart."

"Nope."

"You're scared, Logan."

"Nuh-uh."

"The bus is coming, look! Bye, Mommy!" Kendall turns around and waves at his mom, who waves back and wipes a tear away. "Mommy wanted to hold my hand but I said no way."

"She told me it's okay to be scared."

"She did?"

"Yeah. Last night when you were brushing your teeth."

"Oh. It's okay?"

"She said so."

"I'm scared, Logan."

"Me, too."

As the children all file onto the bus and into their seats on the first day of kindergarten, Kendall reaches for Logan's hand and holds it tight. If anybody laughs at them he will make them sorry.


"Logan's mommy says you have to be nice 'cause you're a teacher."

"Oh, did she? Well, I am nice. Who's Logan?"

"Over there." Kendall points toward the coat rack, where Logan is hanging up his thick jacket carefully so it won't wrinkle. "He's my best friend."

"Well then, why don't you two sit next to each other at this table? Your name is Kendall, right?"

"Yeah. Logan, come on! Sit here!"

Logan makes his way quickly to the table where Kendall is waiting, making sure not to look at anybody else along the way.

"It's okay, Logan. She's nice like your mommy said."

Logan nods, having never doubted what his mother said because she is never wrong. He takes his seat next to Kendall, relieved when Kendall scoots his chair closer.


"Hurry, Logan! Mommy said she was making us cookies after school!"

"My picture bent, look! Kendall, wait up!" Logan starts jogging after Kendall toward the Knight home, where a very-pregnant Mrs. Knight is already opening the door and holding out her arms for hugs.

Kendall stops anyway, and turns back. "Hurry up!"

On shorter legs, Logan catches up to Kendall. "Look. There's a bend in the rocket ship."

"It's okay, Mommy can fix it."

"Come on boys, the cookies are getting cold!" Mrs. Knight tries hard to keep from embarrassing the boys with a sweeping embrace and then never letting go again. The first day of school has been torture for her.

"Mommy, can you fix Logan's picture? He drew a rocket ship for his mom but it got bent."

"Sure, honey." And then the boys are in her arms and she lets out a long breath. They've survived. And so has she.


"How was your first day of school, Logan?"

"It was okay. Mommy, how come I can't come watch the ship take off?"

"Because you'll be in school, sweetheart. But you'll see it on TV later, I promise. Kendall's mom already said she'll turn on the news for you as soon as you get home tomorrow."

"But…I wanna be there with you."

"I know, baby. And I'm sorry, I wish you could be here, too. Florida's far away from Minnesota, though, and you need to be at school."

"Yeah. I miss you, Mommy."

"Oh honey, I miss you, too. So much." Pause. "Kendall's mom said you have something for me?"

"Yeah! I drew a rocket ship today at school and told the class you were going up in space tomorrow. They laughed at me cause they said I was lying and Kendall tried to hit them and then he got put in the corner cause he called one boy a bad name."

Chuckle. "Kendall's already in trouble on the first day? Why am I not surprised? I love that kid."

"I wish I was there with you, Mommy."

"Me too, sweetheart. But remember what I told you before I left? What your job is while I'm gone and why you have to stay with Kendall and his parents?"

"Yeah. I have to watch Kendall."

"That's right, because without you Kendall gets into too much trouble. So I need you to keep him in line, okay? Make sure he doesn't do anything dangerous or stupid. That's a very important job."

"Like yours?"

"Right. My job is to go up in space and fix the machines, your job is to keep Kendall from beating anybody up or getting hurt. Can you do that?"

"Yeah. It's gonna be hard, Mommy. Kendall likes to fight."

Laughter. "Yes, I know. Sweetie, I have to go, but you hold onto that drawing for me and keep it safe until I get back, okay? I'll be home before you know it. You be good for Kendall's mom. Like I even have to say that," she added in an undertone.

"Okay. Love you, Mommy. Touch a star for me."

"Always do, lovebug. I love you. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."


There are cameras everywhere. Military presence on all sides, their uniforms pressed and medals shiny. Even the President of the United States is here to speak, and on any other day, all of the activity would have made Logan pee his pants in excitement.

But today there is only Kendall, holding his hand tight with their fingers locked because no way in hell is Kendall letting go of Logan right now. Kendall's mom stands behind them with a hand on each boy's shoulder, but she is having a difficult time containing her own grief, and her husband is not there to hold her hand like Kendall holds Logan's. This time not even Katie is there for her, Katie who has always been there and promised never to leave her alone in a time of need.

Instead Katie, or a few mementos that represent Katie, lies in one of five elegant coffins provided by NASA to house what is left of the Voyager's crew. Logan cannot look away from them, wondering which flag his mother is resting under and why she doesn't just open it up and come running over. He knows about death. He gets the concept, understands that once you die, no one ever sees you again, and he knows what Heaven is all about.

Except nobody ever told him Death was allowed to come get your mom. He thought it was just for old people, grandmas and grandpas and maybe some criminals who did bad things. Death isn't supposed to leave an almost-six-year-old boy orphaned. That has to be cheating, and Death should be put in the penalty box like Kendall's dad is when he breaks a rule during a game.

Logan feels his knees suddenly give out and wonders why he's dizzy, but then Kendall's strong arms are around him and he can stand again. Kendall doesn't take away the arm that he slid around Logan's waist, and through his silent tears Logan sees Kendall watching him with wide, scared eyes. "I'm okay," he wants to whisper, but he doesn't because his mommy told him lying is wrong and so he must not ever lie.

Mommy also said she would be home soon, though, and that was a lie.

Mrs. Knight said it's okay if Logan doesn't want to call her "mommy" just because he and Kendall are going to be like brothers now. Logan doesn't think he could ever call anyone else mommy anyway, even the woman whose tears are raining down onto his neck. He leans back enough to rest his head on her bulging belly, wondering for a moment if the little girl inside can feel him there. Mrs. Knight said she knows it's a girl because Logan's mom said so, and Logan's mom is never wrong.

Only this time she was.


"I can't believe you're asking me to do this."

"I just need a little help."

"The season's barely started, it's not like I can skip out on the team."

"Don't they give you personal leave time or something? I'm just asking for a few months."

"Babe, it was hard enough to get away for these few days. Coach will never let me go for that long, no way."

"Couldn't you just try? I really need you right now, and with Logan here it's harder."

"Logan's always here. That's nothing new."

"Except I'm about to have another baby, and I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning to get the boys ready for school. And I don't have Katie here for support anymore, either."

"Babe, look. You knew when you married me that it would be like this. You knew I'd be away most of the time."

"I didn't know I'd lose my best friend and have to raise her son and two kids of my own without any help!"

In the hallway where two little boys in pajamas are eavesdropping, a voice whispers, "Kendall, we have to go to bed. We're gonna get in trouble!"

"Quiet, I can't hear!"

"They're gonna catch us out here in the hall. Come on!"

"Be quiet!"

"So hire a nanny if you need help!" is yelled from the bedroom.

"A nanny? Did you really just say that? Who the hell are you? Because you're certainly not the man I married."

"I'm just saying, we have the money. If you need help, we'll get some."

"What I need is a husband and a father who will be here for his kids."

"And for Katie's."

"What? You have a problem with Logan being here?"

"No, babe, I just think we should have talked about it before you took him in."

"There was no time to talk about it. Nobody knew Katie was going to die and—"

"She knew."

Long pause. "She did not know she was going to die."

"She was an astronaut, for God's sake! Of course she knew it could happen. She made up a will, didn't she? Left Logan in our care?"

"I wouldn't want Logan anywhere else. He's like a son to me."

"I know."

"Why is that a bad thing?"

"Look, can we just go to bed?"

"No! No, we cannot because I still need a husband! A father for these boys and for our little girl who will be here any day!"

"How do you know it's a girl?"

"Katie told me."

"Oh. And Katie's always right, I forgot."

"Why are you being such an asshole? I just lost my best friend! I'm about to give birth—probably all alone because God knows you won't be here—and I have to raise three kids practically by myself! If anyone should be an asshole, it's me!"

"You knew I would be gone a lot."

Deep breath. "I knew I was giving up my dream. I sacrificed my singing career because I loved you and wanted a family with the man I loved. I have children, but I don't have a family. We're missing a father."

"You're being melodramatic."

"Please. I'm asking, begging you, to be here for me this once. Just give me a few months to get past Katie's birth and get her settled into this family, to get the new dynamic down. I need help, baby. Please."


"How come your daddy's putting all his stuff in that truck?"

"He has to leave."

"But he'll come back, right?"

"I don't know. He said he's gonna live somewhere else now."

"How come? Is it because Katie cries all the time?"

"Maybe."

"Are you okay, Kendall?"

"Yeah."

"It's okay if you cry. I won't tell anybody."

"I'm not gonna cry."

"Okay." Pause. "Your daddy's leaving cause of me, huh?"

"Did you make him mad?"

"Your mommy said he doesn't like me, member?"

"Don't be dumb, Logan."

"She said he has a problem with me."

"Who cares what he thinks? You're my friend. I want you to live here. And Mommy does, too. Katie likes you a lot."

"Katie throws up on me."

"Yeah, she's so cool."

"Shut up, Kendall!" Shove.

"Make me, Logan!" Harder shove back, then a long pause before Logan speaks.

"It's okay if you cry."

"I'm not gonna cry!"

Mrs. Knight eventually finds them huddled together behind a bush, Kendall crying like a baby on Logan's shoulder.