Disclaimer: Mass Effect is owned by Bioware! I'm just a lowly fan!

A/N – Thank you for the feedback from the last chapter. The reviews and comments I got were very encouraging and kind! I hope you all enjoy this chapter!


James grunted as he forced himself to do another set of pull ups; sweat running down his body, muscles aching with a familiar sweet burn and his concentration absolute as he tried to stop his mind from replaying the scene he'd walked in on the night before. It was impossible though, no matter how many times he told himself to forget about it and not to dwell on what had happened, it was all he could think about. He'd hoped exercising would be a distraction as it had been in the past, and for a while it had worked, but then he'd gotten into the rhythm of his workout and his mind had starting churning over everything he'd seen last night. He couldn't help but go over all the things that he could have done differently and still escaped with even a shred of dignity intact.

If only he hadn't forgotten his work out bag and hadn't just assumed it would be fine to walk in. If only he hadn't heard them and gotten curious. If only he hadn't knocked the stupid ornamental glass thing over. If only Kaidan didn't know how he felt about Shepard. If only…He'd lost count of how many pull ups he'd done, but it was probably more than he'd usually do in a set, not that it mattered. Nothing seemed to matter now except straightening out what had happened last night and figuring out how he'd missed the memo that Kaidan and Shepard were an item.

He felt like such an idiot. The whole time he'd been hanging out with Kaidan, he'd been banging on about Shepard; how attractive he thought she was. How amazing she was. How perfect she was. He'd even asked Kaidan if he thought it was worth his time to ask Zillia out for drinks. What a joke! Kaidan had probably been laughing behind his back the entire time…or worse, he'd probably been laughing about it with Shepard behind his back.

Vega felt sick even thinking about it. Kaidan, who James genuinely liked, hadn't given so much as a hint that he was pursuing Shepard or even that he found her attractive. It was maddening and the situation felt all the worse because James been sure that if he could just work up the courage to ask Shepard out she would have said yes. They had so much in common and they'd become so close while on Earth; laughing, drinking and hanging out together while he acted as her guard. She was everything he'd ever dreamed of finding in a woman; strong, beautiful, brave and an amazing soldier…and now it was too late.

Dropping to the ground James began to do crunches, ignoring his body's complaints as he forced it through more torturous exercises. Pain was good. Pain distracted him from his thoughts. It distracted him from remembering that he'd heard them last night before he'd seen them – heard Shepard's laughter and her squeal and he'd known even then what he was going to find before he walked into the room. He knew he should have turned around and walked back out…but he had had to know for sure, so he'd gone to the doorway like a man in a walking nightmare and had seen them on the bed together. It had been a shock, seeing Kaidan shirtless on the bed with Shepard coiled over him, kissing and moving down his body…

No!

James tried to turn his mind to something else, anything else, but he couldn't help but remember what had happened next in slow and crystal clear detail. He'd taken a step backwards without thinking about it, intending to sneak away, and had backed straight into the stupid glass thing that had been sitting against the wall. It had smashed, he'd cursed, Sheppard had screamed and fallen off the bed and Kaidan had almost jumped out of his skin. They'd been so entranced in each other than he'd managed to scare the living daylights out of both of them with a loud noise.

He could still remember the expression Shepard's face when she looked up and had seen him standing there. She'd been embarrassed and horrified and had looked at him as though he was a pervert who'd some sneaking in to spy on them. Kaidan had looked almost as embarrassed as her, but he'd also looked sorry for James, which had had made him feel worse. He'd wanted to scream at the biotic soldier and ask him why he'd gone after Shepard when he'd known that he was planning on asking her out…but he hadn't. He had just left like a kicked puppy, feeling as though he was going to be sick.

The sick feeling was still with him.

When the hell had Kaidan and Shepard even started seeing each other? Sure, they went on a lot of missions together but that was business and either he or Garrus was almost always with them. Besides, Shepard had made it clear that she wasn't interested in dating soldiers; very, very clear.

The one and only time he'd talked to Shepard about her past relationships had been back on Earth when she'd told him that the only man she'd even loved had broken her heart. When he'd pushed for details, curious about why anyone would walk away from a woman like Zillia, she'd reluctantly told him that they'd served together on the original Normandy and that when she'd died he'd moved on with his life. When they'd met up again on Horizon, during a Collector attack, he'd rejected her because of Cerberus – because they had brought her back and she was working with what he considered the enemy. She'd become upset even talking about it, her eyes had filled with tears and she'd looked away from him, both of them pretending she wasn't crying.

That was when she'd told him, point blank, that she didn't have anyone in her life romantically and that she didn't think she ever would, and especially not with another Alliance officer. James had respected that and kept his feelings hidden from her in the months following the admission; never letting her see how much he felt for her and how much he wanted to be with her. It had been hard not to make a move though, especially in those times when she'd been hurting and alone, but the memories of her tears when she'd talked about her last relationship always kept him at bay.

Somehow though, Kaidan had managed to break through the pain of what her old lover had done to her. Somehow he'd made Shepard break all her own rules and care about him! God! The guy had only been on the ship for a few weeks, so how the hell had he done it? What did he have that made him so irresistible to Shepard?

"James?" Shepard's voice, soft but insistent, interrupted him and he sat up, realising that she was standing a few feet away from his usual workout space in the Normandy's shuttle bay. Aside from her the bay was deserted, almost all of the crew were on shore leave and the alliance mechanics worked strict hours and had left a while ago.

James sat up, painfully aware that he was covered in sweat and probably stank from his workout, in short; he was a mess. He climbed to his feet and turned to face the woman who he'd built up in his head to be the paragon of everything he believed in. She looked the same as ever in her battle uniform; her bright red hair framing a face that was beautiful in every possible way. Her skin was pale as porcelain, her eyes were the colour of liquid gold and were framed by thick lashes; she was utterly breathtaking and as always he was spellbound for a second, unable to think or speak. She brushed her hair behind her ear, and his eyes followed her movements.

"You forgot to take this with you last night." She held out the cursed black gym bag that was the cause of all the embarrassment, holding it by a strap in one hand. It hung in the air for a moment and when he didn't step forward and take it she set it down on the ground between, her lips twisted in wry look of disappointment.

James felt like a fool as the bag sat there between them, appearing to him to be a symbol of all the ridiculous ideas he'd had in his head about he and Shepard becoming a couple. He silently cursed himself for not reaching out and taking the bag when she'd held it out to him; now she would know for certain exactly how uncomfortable he was feeling.

"Thanks, Commander." He finally stepped forward and grabbed the bag, slinging it over one shoulder and giving her an awkward half-smile. "Look, I'm sorry again about what happened last night. I wouldn't have walked in if I'd known you and the Major were…uh..."

Liar! You heard them as soon as you walked in and you knew exactly what you'd see in that room…

"No, it's okay." Shepard held up a hand to forestall him, "Let's just forget it happened." Her cheeks were flushed red again and she looked away quickly when their eyes met briefly. "I just wanted to give you your bag back. I'll see you later…"

James shuffled awkwardly as she turned to go, but quickly reached out a hand and lightly touched her shoulder; stopping her. "Shepard, I know it's none of my business, but…why Kaidan?" She turned around and stared at him silently, waiting for him to elaborate on his curiosity.

"It's just back on Earth you were pretty damn certain you weren't going to be hooking up again anytime soon – especially after that other guy broke your heart." James explained. Shepard looked uncomfortable and glanced at his hand on her shoulder which he quickly removed, aware that he was invading her personal space.

She cleared her throat and brushed her hair behind her ears again, chewing on her lip uncertainly. "Kaidan and I, well, it's complicated." Shepard looked him in the eyes and James saw something in them harden. "Besides, you're right; it really isn't any of your business."

Her words hit him like a slap in the face and James felt some of the control he'd worked so hard to maintain over the last few hours start to slip. "None of my business? Commander, I was there with you on Earth while you got over the idiot who broke your heart and I was there for you when the Alliance did you over and took your ship." He felt something akin to agony as he took a step forward, his face open and emotions exposed. "Zillia, you have to know how I feel about you…"

"James, don't…"

"Don't what? Tell you what you already know? Don't tell you that I love you?" James paused, almost unable to believe he'd finally said it…but he had. "I do love you, you know. Even if you don't feel the same way, so don't tell me it's none of my business when I see you throwing yourself at some guy who you've only just met again for the first time in years…"

"James, it's really not like that." Zillia spread her hands in front of her and took a step towards him, her golden eyes pleading with him to understand. "You don't know anything about Kaidan and I…"

"I know that I spent the last few weeks telling him how great you are and he just sat there like a rock and shrugged." James almost spat the words, so great was his anger and bitter disappointment. "You know, I respected you. I respected that you needed time and space to get yourself together. But maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I should have just gone in guns blazing and told you how I felt, huh?"

James was suddenly seized by a kind of reckless madness and without thinking he stepped forward, closing the distance between them and kissed Zillia, his hands either side of her face. The kiss only lasted an instant; long enough for him feel how warm her lips were and to realise that she tasted of peppermint toothpaste. Then he lost he nerve and stepped back, his hands slowly drifting down from her face. Shepard didn't say anything, she just stared at him like he was a stranger, her lips slightly parted and her eyes wide.

She took a step back from him and raised one hand to her mouth, looking surprised, before she dropped it back down to her side. "You kissed me."

Vega wasn't sure if it was an accusation or a statement of fact. Zillia didn't look pleased about it, but she didn't look horrified either. She just seemed surprised, as though she hadn't expected anything like this from him. But, James thought to himself, he'd given her no reason to expect this from him, he'd flirted, it was true, but he had behaved himself otherwise. Maybe it was time to stop behaving himself, after all if Kaidan could go after Shepard behind his back, knowing that he fancied her, then surely he it was fine for him to put his cards on the table too?

"Yeah…I did." He agreed, trying to swallow the unpleasant sense of guilt that was welling up in him at the thought of even trying to seduce Shepard when she was dating Major Alenko.

She took another step back from him, "You shouldn't have."

Another wave of guilt crept over him as he watched her slowly take yet another step back, as though worried that he would come at her again. "I didn't plan it…it's just that, well, I had to kiss you at least once, Lola." He kept his hands by his side and tried to give her his best smile, desperately wanting to lighten the mood.

Shepard sighed and some of the tension went out of her body. "James, I'm with Kaidan." She said it slowly and clearly as though he didn't understand, "I do care about you…"

"Then why are you with him?" He stepped forward again and breached the distance between himself and Shepard. He wanted to reach out and touch her and hold her, but he could see how shaken up she was by the kiss. "We could be good together, I know we could. You just have to give us a go."

He couldn't control himself any more and he gently reached out and tucked a rogue lock of red hair back behind her ear, watching as she caught her breath until he pulled his hand away. James could see, deep in her eyes, that she was tempted by the idea of being with him. She hadn't been lying; she did care about him. But he could also see something like pity in her eyes and he knew, even before she spoke, that she had already made up her mind.

"Maybe James, but we're never going to find out for sure. I'm not with Kaidan on a whim, you know. I'm with him because I love him." Her face was sad as she watched his face fall as the full meaning of her words hit him.

She loved Kaidan?

"Love him? How can you love him when you've only just…" James slowly stopped, his mind hitting high gear as he cast his thoughts back over everything he could remember about Zillia and Kaidan.

They had behaved oddly around each other from their very first meeting back on Earth. The long lingering looks they'd given each other, the awkward way they'd spoken about his promotion to Major and the way Shepard had almost fallen apart at Kaidan's near death experience on Mars. She'd taken him straight to the Citadel and had even been late for the council meeting because she was visiting him in hospital.

James could suddenly see everything in a much clearer way; he remembered the way Kaidan had snapped at her in the airlock on Mars, 'Don't 'Kaidan' me! This is business!' The phrase took on new meaning now, it became personal and hinted that their relationship had existed beyond a business relationship once upon a time. The entire time he'd been with the Commander and the Major on Mars, Kaidan had constantly harped on about Shepard working for Cerberus and how much he didn't trust them…

"Oh God." James closed his eyes as he realised who Kaidan was. "He's the man you were involved with back on the SSV Normandy, wasn't he?"

"Yeah, he is." Shepard still looked sad as she watched him process the news, but she was clearly relieved that she wasn't going to have to break it to him.

James shook his head, partly because he couldn't believe he'd been so thick, but also because he couldn't believe Shepard was getting back together with the guy who'd ripped her heart from her chest. All that time on Earth he'd watched her silently raging and hurting and hating, and now she was going to forget it all and throw herself back into the same relationship?

"I'm sorry Shepard, but I think you're making a big mistake." He rubbed his hands over his face, trying to clear his head. "This is a guy who finds out after two years that you're alive again, and that you need his help to save the galaxy, and he walks away from you. That's not love…"

"You don't understand!" Shepard broke in, looking decidedly pale at his words; as though she'd never considered that angle. "Kaidan regrets what he did more than anything. I was dead, James! Dead! When I showed up on Horizon in front of him with Cerberus he couldn't be sure I was who I said I was."

"Sorry, but if it had been me down there I would have been overjoyed to have you back in my life again. I wouldn't have judged you or rejected you! I'm no fan of Cerberus, but some things are more important than the people you work for." James spun around and paced as he spoke, his anger at Kaidan mounting. "I didn't even know you back then, but when I found out you were still alive, I was happy. I didn't like that you were with Cerberus, but I trusted that you would do the right thing." He walked back up to Shepard and came to a stop in front of her. "So you tell me, if a total stranger has more faith in you then the man who loved you, what does that say about him?"

"I don't know." Shepard had tears in her eyes when she answered him, and her skin was an even paler shade of while as the blood left her face. "I…I have to go." She turned around as she choked on a soft sob and walked away at a pace that was almost a jog.

James watched her leave with his heart in his mouth and adrenaline still pumping as he struggled not to chase after her and gather her into his arms. His words had hurt her, he knew, but he also knew that they were words that Shepard had to hear. Yes, he was selfish and did want her to leave Kaidan and decide instead to be with him, but it was more than that. He cared about her and if she was hell bent on getting back together with Alenko, well, he didn't want to see her get hurt again.

It was strange that anyone, let alone Shepard, could be so foolish as to get back together with the person that had broken their heart. But love was a funny thing, as he well knew. It was impossible to control who you fell in love with and even harder to control yourself once you were in love.

All he could do was hope that, no matter her ultimate choice was, Shepard didn't get hurt.


Zillia stood in the cold metallic hallway outside of her apartment, one hand on the entry pad as she tried to quieten her pounding heart and trembling limbs. She didn't remember anything of the journey from the Normandy to her apartment; she felt too numb and detached, as though nothing was real or solid around her. She'd spent the journey back to the apartment alternatively wondering why she hadn't slapped Vega when he'd kissed her, and reliving the times back on Earth when the lieutenant had kept the black beast of loneliness at bay.

He had taken her by surprise this afternoon in more ways than one, although in retrospect she shouldn't have been surprised at either of James' moves; the kiss or the words. In all the months she'd known him, Shepard had come to realise that James acted on emotion more often than not and rarely thought through the consequences of his actions.

She could chalk his kiss down to that; an impulse of the moment. It was what he'd said about Kaidan's behaviour on Horizon that had hit home heavily and sent her running from the docking bay. It wasn't cowardice, Shepard had reasoned on the trip back, it was that she didn't want to remember the anguish she'd felt at Kaidan's words on Horizon or how much he had mistrusted her, and she especially didn't want to remember that she'd spent months on Earth trying to crawl her way out of the black hole of misery that he'd landed her in. She'd put it behind her…or at least she thought she had.

The truth was that Kaidan had hurt her; he'd broken her heart and had left her in a pool of seemingly endless despair. She'd been able to push the loneliness to the side while she'd been focusing on beating the Collectors, but once she had been back on Earth the darkness had closed in fast. In some ways it had been similar to realising she was the only one left alive on Akuze after the thresher maw attack; she'd been confused, angry and hurt all at the same time.

James had helped to ease the loneliness on Earth, but it wasn't until the Reapers had attacked and she and Kaidan had been forced back into contact that she had realised why he'd acted as he did. It had taken a near-death experience for Kaidan and many late night conversations in the Starboard Observation, but she'd finally understood that he'd been hurting just as much as she had been, maybe even more because he'd had to live with her death and blamed himself. Kaidan had mourned her for two years, and had spent much of that time wondering what he could have done differently to save her; and what might have been if she'd lived.

James didn't know Kaidan's side of the story like she did. He didn't know that her death had been devastating for Kaidan, and keeping her at a distance had been his way of protecting himself from more hurt.

Shepard gritted her teeth and determinedly shook James out of her thoughts with a literal shake of her flame red hair, not wanting that uncomfortable feeling that he stirred whenever she thought about him. She took a deep breath and opened the door to the apartment, immediately engulfed in warmth and light. She felt the knot of tension that had been building inside of her loosen as she stepped in and glanced around, feeling a smile creep across her mouth at the homey atmosphere. Kaidan had clearly been busy while she was gone and a cheery looking fire burned in the fireplace, the logs crackling softly. She could smell the equally enchanting smells of wood smoke and delicious spiced food and she made a beeline for the kitchen; following her nose.

Kaidan was standing at one of the benches with a small mountain of take away containers, he glanced over his shoulder at her and smiled as she came in, his whiskey coloured eyes as warm and welcoming as the fire. Shepard buried the lingering doubts that James had thrown at her and moved up behind Kaidan, slipping her arms around his waist and pressing against his back, peering at the food over his shoulder. It looked almost as yummy as he did in his battle uniform…

Down girl!

"What did you end up getting?" She asked him, not especially caring as she felt him shift his weight to press back against her. Both she and Kaidan were craving physical intimacy after the fiasco with James the night before. The incident had ruined the romantic overtones that the night had started out with and they'd ended up eating out before coming back and watched a vid, snuggling on the couch and relaxing in each others company. It had been nice, but it would have been even nicer if they'd ended the evening the way they'd started it.

"Oh, a bit of this and a bit of that." Kaidan turned around and caught her in his arms, pulling her against him as he bent his head and kissed her, his mouth hungry as it crashed against hers. The kiss went on until Shepard pulled away, her stomach rumbling loud enough that they could both hear it. "So, did James have anything to say?" Kaidan asked too-casually as he turned back around and began to dish up their dinner.

"Oh, James had a lot to say. He also, uh," Zillia hesitated and leaned against the counter next to Kaidan, watching his face as she continued speaking, "…he also kissed me."

"What!?" Kaidan put food down so fast it looked like he had dropped it and spun to face her, his eyes disbelieving. "He kissed you?"

Zillia nodded, unsure of how Kaidan would take James' reaction to their relationship. "Oh yeah, although first he got angry at me, and then angry at you, and then he said loved me and then something about how he should have just told me how he felt…and then he kissed me…"

"Wait, he told you he loves you?" Kaidan laughed a small hysterical laugh, "Come on Shepard, really?"

She shrugged and took Kaidan's place at the bench, finishing dishing up their dinner as she continued speaking. "He worked out that you were the man who broke my heart on Horizon and was a little…well…angry about it." She heard Kaidan splutter behind her in disbelief, but she didn't turn around to look at him, she just kept spooning out the food.

"What? Was he angry at you or me?" He moved up beside her and she glanced at him, he looked a little more serious now, and his eyes had darkened to the colour of burnt toffee.

"Both I think, although he seemed more disappointed in me for getting back together with you." Shepard finished transferring the food from the containers to the plates and set them both to the side as turned to face him again, knowing that she probably looked as upset as she felt. Talking about James made her feel strange, almost anxious, although she didn't know why.

"What? Why?" Kaidan reached for her and pulled her closer, his hands cupping her face and smoothing her hair back when he saw tension and anxiety that were starting to show

"I guess because he doesn't think too highly of the guy who broke my heart." Shepard felt the tightness in her chest increasing and she realised that she was close to tears again, just as she had been in the docking bay when James had reminded her that Kaidan had let her down when she most needed him.

"Oh, Zi…" Kaidan saw the tears welling and pulled her into his arms, kissing her forehead and hugging her so tightly that for a second she couldn't breathe. She hugged him back and buried her face in his chest, inhaling the familiar biotic scent of ozone and Kaidan's aftershave. "I'm so sorry for what I did, and you know I love you more than the air." He was whispering the words into her hair as he squeezed her tighter, their bodies so close Zillia didn't know where his ended and hers began.

She blinked back the tears that had been welling and, with a deep steadying breath, stepped back as she felt Kaidan's arms loosen around her. "James is hurting, Kaidan. He thinks I'm headed for more pain with you and I don't think he's going to back down on this."

"Well, he'll be in for some disappointment then, won't he?" Kaidan gave her the toe-curling smile that had haunted her dreams since the first time she'd seen it on the SSR Normandy all those years ago. "I'm not losing you again Shepard. Not to James. Not to anyone. I don't care if he can bench press me."

Shepard laughed and hugged Kaidan again; even though he one of the more serious people she knew, Kaidan always knew what to say to make her laugh. No matter what James said or did, it wasn't going to change how she felt about Kaidan; she loved him, it was a simple as that.


A/N – Poor James. Please review and let me know what you think!