Hey, guys. Took awhile, but here it is. Wrote it all tonight/this morning. I had a huge urge to write it. But yeah, the song this is named after is an oldie by Go West. Classic. I watched Pretty Woman the other day and this has been stuck in my head since then. Anyway, enjoy.
Chapter 2: The King of Wishful Thinking
Two weeks had passed. I avoided her like the plague. I agreed to give her space; so that's exactly what I did. Breakfasts, lunches, dinners; all skipped. We always ate together as a group. Well most of us did. It depended on work schedules and the amount of schoolwork each of us had. But I didn't attend any. I stayed in on the weekends. The party scene would have been too close. After two weeks of not talking or seeing my best friend, I hoped I could finally make contact again. So I went to her house.
"Hey, is Rukia home?" I asked Orihime as she opened the door.
"Yeah, she's in her room," she answered with a smile as she stepped aside to let me enter. Making my way up the stairs seemed to take forever. I was excited to see her, yet something about it scared me. Would I upset her? Was it too soon? Then I would debate with myself. Why would I upset her? We're best friends. How could it be too soon? Two weeks has already felt like a decade. Everything was going to be fine.
I knocked on her door decorated with homemade posters of her name and pictures she had drawn of cats and other miscellaneous objects. "Come in," her voice resonated through the wooden door. It made my chest balloon in anticipation.
Walking in, she slowly looked up from a book on her lap. She sat easily on her bed with eyes growing slightly wider and mouth dropping open. "Hey," I said softly. My hands rested in my pockets as I took a few steps in.
"Hi," she said uncomfortably before looking back down to her book.
"How've you been?" I asked gently.
"Good," she answered without looking up.
"It's been awhile," I added with an uncomfortable chuckle as I rubbed the back of my neck.
She continued to look at her book with a deep sigh. Her bangs hung slightly in her face when she raised her head to look at me. Her stare was cold and heavy. There was a wall that prevented me from seeing any thought or feeling she held. Her voice irritated. "Is there something you wanted, Ichigo?"
I stuttered. "I-I just wanted to see how you were doing."
"Well I'm fine. And pretty busy too, so you should probably get going."
"Oh," I replied as I watched her head fall back toward the book. Turning around and standing in the doorway, my hand on the doorknob, I stopped. I turned back slightly and stared for a moment; a searing feeling of sadness beginning to boil to the surface. "Are you ever going to act normal around me again?" I asked vulnerably.
She let out a single chuckle, but remained looking toward the book. "I'll get back to you on that one."
With furrowed brows, I stared for a moment more before leaving her room. Walking down the stairs was my descent from heaven's paradise and venture into the depths of that hollowness that nobody ever wants to enter. Things felt like they were changing. Things felt wrong. I had to fix it. That was my only option. If she knew that it didn't matter to me that she had feelings for me, maybe she would start to be herself again around me. I had to prove to her that nothing would ever change our friendship. That was my next course of action.
"Ichigo! You ready? We're leaving soon!" I heard as Chad banged on the other side of my door.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm coming," I said as I buttoned up my shirt. I was going out this weekend. I needed it, but also, this was my chance to start my plan. We were going to be with everyone. It was going to feel like old times.
Heading downstairs, I saw the girls and my housemates awaiting my arrival in the living room. Rukia's back was to me. So I slowly approached her. This was my first chance. When I was finally within reach, I squeezed her sides to scare her. She jumped and yelped as she turned around in alarm. Her eyebrows immediately furrowed from the sight of me. "What the hell are you doing?" she yelled.
"I'm just joking around," I tried to explain with a reassuring smile.
She glared and shook her head before walking away from me. I was dumbfounded. My first attempt was a complete failure.
"Yo, Ichigo. Pregaming with shots. Get over here," Renji waved me over. I sighed and made my way to him. I needed it.
The music was blaring as the living room of the house party swarmed with people dancing. The kitchen was full of different drinking games. I found myself not knowing where I belonged. None of it felt right at the moment. Three shots in and I wasn't feeling anything. Alcohol wasn't appetizing right then and there. I stood on the outskirts of the living room. In the dim lighting, a girl managed to spot me being a loner. She began to sweet talk me as I smiled politely, nodded and spoke accordingly. My eyes would rise to look at the swarm occasionally. Renji was dancing with Rangiku, which wasn't that surprising. Orihime was dancing with some guy, who was way out of his league, in my opinion. Tatsuki and Momo laughed and toasted their drinks as they continued to move to the beat. Kaien was smirking down at a cute girl, who looked mesmerized. But at that moment I was watching him, I saw him look up. Following his gaze, I found myself looking at Rukia dancing with a guy as she chugged her drink. She then pulled away and began to stumble toward the hallway.
Uryuu walked into the room next to me. I quickly grabbed his arm. "Hey, Rukia just went off on her own and she looks pretty bad."
"Well go after her. I'm kind of busy, man," he said with eyes shifting toward the girl under his arm. I sighed after getting the hint.
Looking down at the girl who was trying so hard to get a bit closer to me that night, I apologized and excused myself. "I'll look for you later!" I heard her yell after me as I made my way through the crowd. Out of the massive group that we came in, I had to be the one to go after her. I was probably her last choice at the moment. But some guy could take advantage of her. I wasn't about to let that happen. Urgently looking around, I saw her leave the lengthy bathroom line downstairs and make her way toward the stairs, most likely in search of another bathroom. I rushed to her side as she began to trip up the stairs. Steadying her, she quickly threw me off after acknowledging me.
"Don't touch me. I'm fine," she said sternly.
"You can't even stand, Rukia."
"I don't need your help!" she yelled as her words slurred.
"Fine, go ahead," I said bitterly. I watched as she tried to continue up the stairs. Then, she tripped again and fell. Nostrils flaring, I took a breath and walked up to help her to her feet.
"I said-"
"Shut up. I'm not leaving you." I helped her to the bathroom and waited outside. She stumbled out and fell into me; her palms and cheek against my chest as her eyes remained closed. I steadied her with my hands on her waist.
"Ichigo… can you do me favor?" she ushered quietly. "Why do I feel like this?"
I chuckled. "That's not really a favor. That's more like a question."
Rukia ignored me. "I don't want this." Her hands turned into fists against my chest. I had no words for her. What could I say to her? What would make this better? I wanted to say she was still my Rukia. I wanted to tell her I would never think differently of her. I wanted her to know she meant so much to me. But all I ended up doing was stand there silently.
"Take me home," she added finally. So I did. I helped her to bed and placed a trashcan by her bed in case she found herself needing to throw up her life. But then I left. She wouldn't be happy to see me in the morning. I knew that. Besides, the girls were going to be back soon. They would help her if necessary. I walked home with a heavy heart.
A few days passed. Schoolwork was piling up. Everyone in the house was stressing. "Chad! If you finish the milk, throw it out! Don't put it back in the fridge!" Uryuu complained as he tossed it viciously into the garbage.
"Okay. Relax," Chad replied as he continued to eat his cereal.
"God, you're such a slob!" Uryuu added as he slammed the cabinet doors.
"Hey! You're one to talk, mister has never washed a dish in his life!" Renji stepped in to defend.
"Well I figured other people should carry some weight since I'm cleaning everything else in this damn house! Try cleaning a toilet every once in awhile," Uryuu argued.
"Chill out, man. You make it sound like nobody else does anything," I said walking into the kitchen.
"You definitely don't! You're so god damn lazy!" Renji responded.
"That's not what your mom said last night," I threw back at him with a smirk.
"Wow. Real mature," I heard from behind. Spinning around, I saw Rukia staring in disgust. It wasn't her usual sarcastic behavior. It was purely bitter. It stung. And it bothered me tremendously. Rolling her eyes, she looked back at Kaien who had followed her in. "Thanks again, Kaien. I'll see you later." He smiled down at her before she waved at the rest of my housemates and left.
"What was that about? Why was she thanking you?" I asked in annoyance.
"She asked me for help with her history paper. The doctor has a weakness, and that is the Vietnam War," he joked as he began his search for food.
"Yeah, I remember when she found out that she needed a social science course to satisfy her major. The only things open were history classes. She was pretty pissed she had to do that in her senior year." She really was pissed. She threw a book at the wall. And then out the window, which hit some guy in the head.
"But what's worse is that whole grade switch thing she has to deal with," Kaien added grabbing a bowl out of the cabinet.
"What whole grade thing?"
"You know, that previous social science class issue," Uryuu tried cluing me in. My face said it all. I had no idea what they were talking about. "Rukia didn't tell you?" Uryuu added in complete astonishment.
Chad took over. "The last social science class she took, she ended up getting a D in it. The new policy is that nothing lower than a C is acceptable. So she was fighting for it to count because this was before the rule change. But the best she could get was the deal that as long as she gets a B in this history class, her other class will count."
"Holy shit, a B? That's crazy hard for her!"
"Wow, your faith in her is astounding," Kaien commented, earning him a glare from myself.
"Yeah, she's been more insane than usual lately," Renji added as he picked up the bowl to drink the milk.
I knew nothing. She hadn't told me anything. Renji knew more than me! I was angry. I was hurt. When was she going to stop pushing me out of her life? At this point it started to dig deeper. What the hell was going on?
I sat, lost in thought, behind the register of my part-time job at the school bookstore. Why was this being thrown out of proportion? All she did was confess that she had feelings for me, and I- no. I didn't even have the chance to reject her. She was too busy being disgusted by the idea of actually liking me more than a friend. It was a little hurtful to my pride, but that's not the point. I still showed that I cared for her. It didn't matter to me! I had to confront her again. Two weeks had gone by. This was getting ridiculous.
That night, when I was invited to go out to dinner at one of the places down Main Street, which by the way have the most amazing burgers, I actually allowed myself to go. Hoping she'd be there, this was going to be my chance. But luck didn't seem to be on my side when I showed up. No eye contact, no acknowledgement. She stood as far away from me as possible. So we all went in, pushed a few tables together and ate. Everyone was rowdy as usual, but my thoughts were centered around my best friend. What I would give to understand anything going on in that head of hers. Then, I found my chance. She was getting up to go to the bathroom. So, I casually followed her without her noticing. I playfully put my hands on her shoulders from behind and directed her down the hallway in zigzags, avoiding the guy mopping the floor. I also made racecar sound. Can't forget that part. But as soon as my hands gripped her shoulders, she tensed. She knew it was me. And I knew that I made her uncomfortable. That made me angry. Finally, we stopped and I walked around to face her.
The sight kind of shocked me. She was breathing heavily and her eyes wide, but I only hesitated for a second. "Okay, listen. I don't know what the hell is going on. But I'm fucking pissed off now." Just as I finished that sentence, Uryuu was right there in the hallway staring with shock. He quickly went back to the table. The moment I looked back at Rukia, tears were flying down her face. She began to beg. "Please, not right now. I can't talk about this right now."
My voice grew louder. "Then, when the fuck are we going to talk about it? You keep avoiding me!"
"Please! Not right now! I can't!" She was starting to become a mess. And this was because of me. Yeah, fuck me. I sighed, "I'm sorry, okay? I just want you to be normal with me again. I don't want to lose you." I rubbed the back of my neck uncomfortably. "Please, stop crying." The guilt trip was underway.
She nodded, wiped her tears, and went into the bathroom. Not a single word was thrown my way. My hand flew through my hair. Well that had accomplished absolutely nothing. All I did was make her cry, which made me feel like an asshole. But apparently she was going to come to me when she was ready. I just hoped it'd be rather soon. It was really stressing me out. I know she is probably having a hard time, but it's starting to affect me.
Timing is an amazing thing though. Because just as the bathroom door closed behind her, Senna texted me. I groaned and ignored her message. What the hell was going on? Was there an alarm that went off somewhere alerting everyone that Ichigo Kurosaki feels like shit? Let's make it worse! But of course I thought that too soon. I slipped on the wet floor as I walked back to the table. Fell into an empty table. Yeah, things weren't going my way.
Later on back at the house, Uryuu came over to me when I was flipping through channels in the living room. "Hey. Everything okay? You seemed pretty pissed with Rukia before." He stood looking concerned as I sighed and grinned. "Everything's peachy, man."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. Life's just crazy," I answered vaguely.
Uryuu chuckled and sat down next to me. "That's what I'm sayin'. I think we might have an issue…"
First thought: What now? I tried to stay nonchalant. "What do you mean?"
"Is it wrong for a friend to start liking a friend?"
I almost choked on my own saliva. Clearing my throat, I asked, "What- what do you mean?" My heartbeat got a little faster. Did she talk to someone about our situation? Was I finally getting some information?
"I think I'm falling for Orihime." My body lost tension. "Oh."
"Oh? You sound disappointed…" he said with an awkward chuckle.
"No, no! That was just… unexpected." I smiled and punched his knee. "That's awesome, man. She's a great girl."
He wore a huge grin. "Yeah. But is it bad? We've been friends for a while now. Do I want to ruin that?"
I felt my eyebrows furrow. "It shouldn't ruin anything. If she doesn't feel the same, there's no reason why you can't still be friends."
"I guess…" I could tell he was confused by my sudden change of tone. I did mean it and didn't want him to worry. It just made me bitter as well. "Well I gotta go do some reading. Thanks. Oh, and your fly is open, tool."
"Ah, shit." I fixed it and waved unenthusiastically.
The next few days killed. Classes were intense. Work was irritating. I just found myself getting more miserable. I felt like drama kept getting worse around me. Tatsuki came in one day when I was working. I was taking school bumper stickers out of boxes and putting them on a shelf when she came storming in. "I need to talk to you about something."
"Uh, I'm kinda working…"
"Keep working. I'll talk." She was urgent and her voice sounded like anxiety ran through her veins instead of blood. "I almost kissed Orihime last weekend."
"Whoa! What?" I almost knocked all the bumper stickers off the shelf. I turned and gave her my full attention.
"I haven't told anyone that. I've been sitting on this for a week! We were drunk and at that party Friday night. She was really gone, but I still knew what I was doing. I was so close! And I really didn't even mean to do it! The moment was just… there!" Her hands were flailing as she spoke.
"Okay, okay. Calm down. Breathe or something." I ran my hand through my hair and took a deep breath. "How did it all go down?" Orihime is apparently in demand…
"We were dancing and laughing and having a good time. Then, she stumbled a bit and I caught her arm. She then leaned in and wrapped her arms around my neck and rested her forehead on mine. She closed her eyes and said, "Tatsuki, you're always here for me." I was right there! I found my head tilting and getting ready. Ugh! And then someone tripped into me and the whole thing was over." She threw her face into her hands. "I don't know what I'm doing." Her eyes were so upset. It was like she really didn't want to have feelings for her, but she couldn't help it.
"You can't help who you like, Tatsuki. Don't be so hard on yourself. Orihime isn't the kind of person to be freaked out or anything. You know she's like a saint."
"I know, but… I know she would never be interested in me. That's something I can't change. But I can't stop feeling like this!"
I sighed. "Here's what I believe. For now, yeah, it's gonna suck. You want to be with her but you can't. But one day, someone is gonna walk into the room and blow your mind. Orihime won't even be a thought. Well, in that way."
She still looked upset. "I wish that day was sooner rather than later."
I gave her a gentle smile. "Me too." It's funny actually. I didn't even realize right away how much that situation reflected my own. It took me a few hours to have it click in my brain. Tatsuki was Rukia. They were freaking out about how they felt. I just wish I could calm Rukia the way I did Tatsuki.
Life really was getting crazier. Renji and Rangiku were now friends with benefits. It was… odd. They didn't show a difference in behavior at all, but it was awkward hearing the noises coming from his room almost every night.
And Rukia came and left after spending time with Kaien for her history class. Yeah, that still pissed me off. He was enjoying being with her way too much. I can admit that I was jealous. He spent more time with her than I did. All he wanted was a way to get closer to her so he could get closer to her bed.
To top everything off, Senna kept trying to talk to me every few days. I eventually gave in and answered. It was casual conversation. We learned new things about each other's lives and I found myself actually enjoying talking to her. But it is hard to completely get rid of the hesitation in opening up to her. The memory that she broke my heart lurks around in the corner of my mind.
But I continued getting more frustrated. I even started going to the gym with Chad. Of course he made me look like a chump after bench pressing three times his damn weight, but it helped me get aggression out. There's a bunching bag. It's pretty amazing. The girl that signs me in to use it definitely has a crush on me. Her name's Nel. I flash her a charismatic smile when I get there and when I leave. She seems nice. Not bad to look at either. What? I'm only human. Of course I look. I just didn't have the push to try anything.
I went all out punching the shit out of the punching bag one time. I was completely exhausted. Smiling at Nel as I came out of the room, her mood quickly brightened. "See you tomorrow?"
"Most definitely." She smiled back sweetly. She really was cute. I turned to leave as I threw her a wave. In front of me entering the gym, was Rukia. It hit me a bit harder than I expected. I was alone and she was alone. I hadn't seen or spoken to her in three and a half weeks. She still hadn't made things better between us. Was I supposed to say hi to her?
She stopped when we met up. "Hey," she said awkwardly. I gave her a nod as I wiped the sweat off of my forehead. "I heard you're going home for the weekend… Excited to see people?"
This was just weird. She was actually trying to have a casual conversation with me. She was ignoring everything that's been going on between us. That actually pissed me off. "Yeah. I guess." It was my dad's fiftieth birthday. That was the main reason why I was going home. But I also just wanted to get the hell away for a bit. Being at school just became a huge hassle in the past two months. I needed a break.
"It'll probably be nice to see your family," she added.
"Sure, probably," I answered with agitation fully hitting me. "Look I gotta go," I said with my nostrils flaring. She looked hurt. And she should have. I didn't like any of this. I wanted her to put closure to this big ordeal that was made. I needed it. I wanted an apology for how she had been treating me.
"Oh, okay," she replied softly. "See ya," I said as I brushed past her. God, I wanted it to be the weekend already. That little rendezvous just pushed me over the edge. I wanted to get the hell out of that city. I wanted to stop thinking about her and how its killing me inside. Sadly enough, that didn't happen when I went home. I still thought about her. I was running away from it, but it followed me home. My parents saw something wrong with me. My two sisters were just so excited to have me home, they didn't see a thing. But the way my mom looked at me, it's like she saw the needle inside my chest that continually kept piercing me. I told her I was just stressing over things and not to worry about me. I didn't want to upset anyone else. No one should be sad because of me. I never wanted that.
Being home just gave me more time to think about all of it. It had now been two months since our first confrontation. I'd given her a shitload of time to contain herself. She was even trying to talk normally with me a few days ago. Maybe she was ready to finally talk to me about it. He seemed pretty possible to me. So I was going to try again when I went back. It seemed promising. I just wanted it to end already. I had barely done anything with our friends because she was going to be there. I didn't want to pretend to have fun when she hated me being there. I wanted her back. I wanted the girl that used to always take over my bed; the girl that ate ice cream with every meal of the day; the girl that had the ability to get me to talk about things no one was capable of doing. It was all so simple for her. I wanted the girl that couldn't go two hours without talking to me. She was a major part of who I was. So part of me has been absent for a decent amount of time. I was getting hollower and it was hurting more and more.
I got back Monday afternoon. I felt stronger. I was prepared. I walked over to her house and Momo answered the door. Paint was on her face. "Hey, is Rukia here?"
"Yep! In her room. Come on in," she said cheerfully.
"Thanks. By the way, you've got a little blue on your face," I said with a chuckle.
"Oh geez! I'm trying to finish this art project that's due tomorrow, but it's giving me a hard time. Paint has gotten everywhere and I'm doomed to fail."
"Oh come on. You're an amazing artist. You're just having a tough day, but I bet whatever comes out, it'll still be fantastic."
"I knew I always liked you," she said with a sincere smile. Laughing, I left her and made my way up the stairs. Her door was closed, so I waited and took a deep breath before entering her room.
"Hey," I said delicately as she turned her head to see me. She was apparently lounging around. Her clothes were sweatpants and a plain t-shirt and she was lying on her bed watching television.
"Hey," she said back in the same tone. I slowly made my way into her room. I leaned against her dresser as she continued looking at the television. "So… I think we should talk."
She turned to look at me again. "Not right now."
"Come on, Rukia. You said that a month ago. It's been two months. This is ridiculous." I spoke gently. I wasn't trying to get into an argument. I just wanted to understand.
"I'm not listening to this," she said as she jumped off of her bed and left her room. That was something I didn't expect. I started to chase after her down the stairs. "Rukia! You can't keep running from this!" And then the front door slammed behind her. I punched the wall as I stood in the middle of the stairs.
Momo walked over. "Is everything alright?" I took a seat on the stairs and sighed. "Yeah, everything's fine. Just a little misunderstanding. I'm gonna wait for her to cool off and come back." It wasn't a complete lie. I just downplayed it a bit. But I was going to wait for her to come back. I wasn't giving up that easily. She had enough time to avoid this. Now I was going to throw it back into her face.
I must have waited an hour, hour and a half. I know I'm stubborn. And once she walked through the front door, she immediately looked furious. "Go home, Ichigo. I'm not doing this now. Momo is home and someone else is probably going to be home any minute."
"I really don't give a damn anymore. I'm not going anywhere until you dig down and find a little courage to confront this shit." It was right then that I was shocked. She started screaming.
"I can't fucking stop thinking about it! It doesn't stop! So I don't want to fucking talk about it!"
After letting the shock wear off, I then responded. "I get that this is hard for you, but it is for me too! I'm thinking about it all the God damn time too!"
"Just stop! I'm not doing this!" She spun around and started going toward the door again.
I jumped up from my seat on the stairs and yelled after her. "You leave again, I'm coming after you this time." And then she left, so I ran after her out the door.
"Just leave me alone!" she yelled weakly as she walked faster down the sidewalk.
"No! I can't do that anymore! I just want you to talk to me!" As we rounded the corner, we ran into Rangiku, so we came to a halt. Rukia immediately threw on a perfectly fake smile. Rangiku looked between the two of us suspiciously. "Hey… How's it goin'?"
Rukia nodded a few times. "Pretty good. Just going for a walk." Everything sounded wonderful coming from her, but I didn't change the expression on my face. I was angry and I really didn't care to hide it. I gave a disgusted chuckle and began to walk away. "I'm tired of fucking pretending, Rukia." I didn't turn back. Things were definitely different now. Bitterness was dripping off of both of us. As I continued walking away, I realized something. When she screamed at me, I had no idea who that person was. That wasn't the Rukia I knew. That was somebody else. And that realization scared the hell out of me.
I'll try to get the next chapter out sooner. Much love. Later.
