Sitting here alone thinking it through, Trying to convince myself that I'm not losing you

Meredith sat at her breakfast table, looking at the toaster wistfully. She should eat breakfast, but she didn't really want to. She was…distracted. Derek hadn't been home a full night since his six year old patient. She had seen him about four hours in the two weeks since. What had happened to him? To them? She couldn't be in denial forever. Something was happening, and she knew it, but…for now, she refused to believe it. They were Meredith and Derek after all.

'Morning Dr Shepherd,'

Meredith turned at the familiar voice hollering her name, 'Hey Dr Leyton,'

'Oh, you know to call me Jessica,'

Meredith smiled, at the woman in front of her. Dark hair, porcelain skin, bright, ice blue eyes, and the pert, red lips could only mean one woman.

Dr Jessica Leyton had been an intern, when Meredith was her resident. They had grown surprisingly close, and Meredith had even been at her wedding to her fellow intern Kyle.

'Morning Jess,' she grinned.

'You don't look so good, are you feeling okay?'

'Yeah, I'm good;' Meredith smiled, 'Just stayed up waaayy to late last night. I was on call all night and I got called in again about two hours ago. I got an entirety of maybe half an hours sleeping,'

'Life as a surgeon,' Jessica laughed.

'I have a neuro case, do you have an intern for me?' Meredith asked in interest, looking at the chart of her new patient.

'Let me see,' Jessica peered over her shoulder, flipping her dark hair from her face, 'Ohh…that sounds interesting. Perkins can take it,'

Jessica's pager went off and she groaned, 'I'll tell Perkins to find you,'

Ten minutes later, Meredith was standing in the hallway waiting for her intern.

As if on cue, a short boy, came sprinting down the hallway towards her, grinding to a halt right in front of her. His short brown hair was messy, and sweat was obvious on his forehead.

'I'm…so…sorry…' he panted breathlessly.

'It's okay Perkins. I haven't even gone in yet,'

'Good,' he sighed, running a hand through his hair, 'Please don't kick me off,'

Meredith frowned, clutching her stomach. It whined painfully, and she groaned.

'A-are you okay Dr Shepherd?' the intern asked curiously.

'Fine Perkins,' she smiled, 'Just…I shouldn't have eaten that leftover seafood pizza last night,'
The intern grinned knowingly, 'Don't you know you shouldn't keep seafood in the fridge for more than twenty four hours!'

Meredith laughed, 'I do now! Now lets go find this patient,'

Meredith marched down the hallway, trying to brush aside the waves of nauseousness that were sweeping over her. She stopped, just short of the patient's room, closing her eyes with a grimace.

The intern cast a worried glance at his boss, doubled over in pain, 'Dr Shepherd…do you…'

'No,' she gasped, screwing up her face, 'I'll be okay in just a…'

She opened her eyes, straightening up again, hoisting an overly fake smile to her face.

'I'm good,'

Meredith barged into the room, internally repeating her newest mantra.

I am fine. I am fine. I am fine.

Perkins immediately moved the patient's chart, handing it to her. Meredith took in the entirety of the room. Middle aged, brunette, caked in makeup and gaudy hot pink lipstick, her over-permed her set perfectly. A teenager girl, with long blonde hair, and wide blue eyes, disinterestedly flicking through a magazine on her lap. She knew these types. She was in for some fun this morning.

'Good morning Mrs Weldon,' Meredith greeted, flipping through the patients chart, 'How are you this morning?'

'I've been better,' the woman groaned, glaring at the young man in the room, 'And your intern here isn't helping,'

'I assure you, Mrs Weldon, that Dr Perkins here is highly competent,' Meredith said sweetly, through gritted teeth, 'Perkins?'

'Uh…Mrs Anne Weldon, admitted overnight with headaches, vomiting, and blurred vision,'

'She was like thrashing about the place when we first got her here,' the teenager offered with a dark glare.

'And she had a grand mal seizure just as she got into the emergency room,' Perkins ground out, narrowing his eyes.

Meredith nodded, 'And what do you think it could be,'

'Possibly a tumour, but we need to run tests to find out,'

'Well…' Meredith began, as the familiar feeling began to settle in her stomach, 'Well just…'

The wave climbed higher over her, and Meredith knew that she couldn't stop it.

'I…' she began, finding her body already lurching, 'I…'

She dashed from the room, holding her mouth, and into the nearest bathroom.

'I should…' the intern said awkwardly.

'Meredith?'

Meredith had locked herself away in a stall in the ladies restroom, and was kneeling on the floor over the toilet.

'Meredith? Are you in here?'

Meredith would know the voice of Jess anywhere, 'Yeah…I'm in here,' she sighed, kicking the door open for Jess to find her.

'My god, Perkins was right, are you okay?'

'No. I feel like shit,' Meredith said plainly, standing up slowly.

'Do you want me to page your husband?'

Meredith scoffed, walking over to the sink. She rested her palms against the rim, and looked up at the mirror.

'No,' was her dry reply, 'I'd say he's busy,'

'Ok then,' Jess sighed, sidling up to Meredith.

Meredith began to wash her face, in the cool water, 'I just…I just need some sleep. I'll go to an on call room. I need…sleep. Before I go to surgery,'

'Derek could do it,'

'Derek's busy,' Meredith snapped.

'O-ok then,'

Everyone knew about Meredith and Derek. Everyone loved Meredith and Derek. They were the dream team of the hospital, they never had problems, and they always depended on each other. Until recently that was…everyone had begun to notice it, the cracks slowly forming in the steady rock that had always been Meredith and Derek. But everyone was certain that they were strong enough to hold out.

Now Jess wasn't to sure.

'Are you and…Dr Shepherd ok?'

'Why wouldn't we be?' Meredith asked, looking up at her. Tears were forming in her eyes, and she bit her lip furiously, 'We're fine. We're good. So just…no, we're good,'

Jess nodded, wrapping an arm around Meredith, 'You really should get some sleep, or some coffee,'

'Sleep will do,'

A few hours later, Meredith was running through the halls again. She was feeling a lot better know, still a little queasy, but she would be fine to operate. Mrs Weldon had a tumour. An operable one at that. She had a surgery in a few hours.

She spied her husband leaning up against the nurse's station, filling out a chart. He was talking to a blonde resident, Mina. Meredith never liked Mina; she was another one of her old interns. Mina had been pushing, overbearing and overly annoying. She had short blonde hair that she always had extensions put in, to make it around her waist, only so she could pile it up on her head with a set of chopsticks. She had a turned up nose, and piggy, brown eyes. And she had always had a crush on Derek.

Right now, said husband was smiling warmly at said resident. They were chatting in soft voices, obviously in a conversation meant only for them.

Derek finished his conversation with Mina placing a hand on her shoulder, 'OR 2! Mina…Dr Michelson,'

Meredith hurried up to him, 'Hey there!' she said happily, bumping his shoulder with hers.

'Hey,' he said distractedly, not even looking up at her.

'So, I was thinking, we could get Japanese tonight? Eat in, just you and me?' she suggested.

'Uh…no,' he said slowly, still reading, 'I'm on call,'

'Oh come on Derek. I get off at ten, you get off at ten, it's perfect!' she cried, grabbing his left hand. He guiltily looked at the gold glinting on his finger but pushed it aside.

He glanced at her face, positively shining with excitement.

'Fine, you order the food, I'll meet you at home,' he finally turned to give her a warm, promising smile.

'Ok!' she giggled, kissing his cheek, before skipping off excitedly.

'Maybe things were looking up,' she mused, as she ran away from her husband. They had been through a rough patch, but…didn't every marriage? This was normal, and they were…they were Meredith and Derek. They practically lived by 'What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger'

They were going to pull through this. She smiled softly, glancing fondly at the rings on her finger. They were going to be fine.

Even as she got pulled into surgery, nothing could wipe the goofy grin off her face. They were them again.

Derek let himself into the house quietly. It was two a.m. He was stuffed, but his surgeries had all been successful. But he was late. He had left Meredith behind, and hadn't even called.

Now he was hungry, and ready to go to bed. He had forgotten about Meredith, right up until he pulled up in his driveway, seeing her car.

Turning on the soft lamp in the hall, he kicked off his shoes, and coat, instantly noting Meredith's flats, haphazardly lying across the hall, her coat draped on the table lazily. He growled, her habits could be annoying sometimes.

He made his way into the kitchen, grabbing a beer, and a piece of seafood pizza.

I wonder how long that's been there? He pondered casually, taking a bite out of it. Derek wandered into the den where he was planning on watching Seinfeld reruns until he needed to go to bed.

But as he went to flop onto the couch, he stopped dead. There was his wife, curled innocently on the leather, a thin throw rug draped over her shoulders. A box of untouched Japanese takeaway lay on the coffee table beside her as well as a half drunk glass of water. Her face was pale, circles sunken deep under her eyes. She looked…ill.

'Hey,' she croaked, looking up at him dryly.

'Hi,'

'You didn't show,'

'No…I'm sorry,' he began apologetically.

'No, it's…it's okay. Cristina called anyway. I…I left you some food,'

'Oh…well…I'm…already accounted for,' Derek said, holding up the pizza.

Meredith shrugged shifting so she was upright; patting the now empty space beside her, 'Sit with me?'

Derek looked at her hopeful face, shining with anticipation of a moment, just a second with her husband.

'I should sleep,' he said gruffly, turning around, and heading to the door. He would not turn to face her. He would not turn to face her.

He turned to face her, seeing her face crumple with the sting of his words. She pulled her knees up to her chest.

'Well…yeah…I guess, that would be good. Coz you've been working…long…long hours, and you need some…rest… and then there's work…tomorrow,' she rambled, wrapping her arms around her self protectively, 'Yeah…you should sleep,'

Derek ignored the twinge of guilt he felt as he turned around and began to trudge towards the stairs.

'Good night!' she called out hopefully, 'I love you,'

Derek stopped dead at the foot of the stairs, 'Yeah, whatever,'

It was hours later that he heard her crawl up into bed. She softly padded into the room, pulling back her side of the bed. Once upon a time, she would have slid into his arms, spooning tightly against him. Now, she placed herself under the sheets, curling into a protective ball.

She thought he was asleep he could tell, because the next thing he knew was her shaking softly, before weak, hushed cries began. The cries turned into muffled sobs, before quietening down into violent, yet completely soundless shakes.

'I just want you back,' he heard her whisper, before rolling into her usual position. It was more out of habit that they held each other in bed these days, not for the sheer want to.

He let his arm wrap around her waist, and he could feel the material of her t-shirt, damp from the tears she had just cried.

Who were they anymore? Did he even care that he didn't know what his wife ate for dinner last night? Did he really care anymore?

'I love you,' she mumbled.

Meredith lay awake, in Derek's warm embrace. It was mechanical, robotic even. It wasn't him anymore. The Derek she knew, that she married was happy, and would laugh at his own jokes. Derek didn't even know what a joke was anymore! Would he care, or even notice if she left? If one day, she packed up her things and left his life? How long would it take for him to sign the divorce papers? Would he come looking for her?

It wasn't the first time she had thought about this, but never had she seriously considered walking out the door. But some day's…days like these, she was on the edge, balancing on the fine line. She was certain she would only need to stumble the slightest and be on her way out.

Was it possible for them to salvage what they had left? Would they ever be the same again?

So tell me why, you don't care enough to try

Are you giving up this fight, I can't stand, won't stand losing you

Authors Note: So, Meredith's in a tough place. She still loves Derek, and doesn't want to let him go, but she feels like she doesn't have a hold on him anymore. She's close to leaving. And Derek is always letting her down, making promises he can't keep. But he feels guilty. Oh and the residents introduced in this chapter? We haven't heard the last of them yet… Another filler chapter but the next chapter…well, I know what's happening. In fact, I've written it. Boy it's…fun…

I thought I'd post another chapter today, because, tomorrow Deathly Hallows is out-for me anyway. (!!!) But, if I'm still of stable mental capability or even able to stop crying by the time I've finished, I'll post another chapter! (Promising eh?) So for now…press the pretty purple button and I'll love you forever!