Seung Jo had woken up the next morning only to find the place beside him once again empty. Ha Ni should have come in last night, but he hadn't seemed to notice at all and this morning when she should usually be still asleep she was no where in sight. Sueng Jo rubbed his eyes trying to clear the foggy, glassy look there and proceeded to search the small room the two occupied in their family's home. Seung Jo noted that the sun had not even crossed the horizon enough to blindingly wake him, and his wife was up. The two never mixed. At least that's something he had never seen in their married life together. He yawned, still not worried by the unexpected set of events and, as usual, went into the bathroom to get the heavy feeling of sleep brushed out his mouth.
Not too long after he chose to appreciate his day off by starting with coffee in silence in the back garden. The sun had slowly risen more and he figured Omma would be getting up soon so his last chance to enjoy the great silence of outside was for the next few minutes. He stepped back into his room to get a light sweater finding, to his surprise, the pink lumpy puff he was accustomed to waking next to. 'Where had she come from?' He sat on the bed for a moment, searching his thoughts for images of her in the room that his sleepy eyes may have missed. The room looked untouched, and the scene was the same he woke to every morning. 'Odd...' Seung Jo shrugged his shoulders and went back to the original reason he had returned to the room, the sweater.
Ha Ni lay on her side, her eyes staring at the wall un-phased as Seung Jo stepped into the room. His footfalls seemed to stop for a moment, and suddenly the bed sunk behind her. Ha Ni pleaded with all the spirits and things that she hoped still loved her that he wouldn't check on her, she didn't like lying to Seung Jo, but her reality felt to fake and if he asked her anything or wanted to be playful in that rare occasion, she would feel worse than she already did. A small bubble formed in her throat, preparing to become a sob, but the bed rose again and the sound of Seung Jo's footfalls disappeared with a door click behind her. She had to find a way to speak up. A way that he would actually listen to her, because ever since the visit with the doctor yesterday she had been so afraid of him finding out about whatever could be happening to her first. Worst of all she was still waiting to hear from the doctor about whatever he could think that sickness could be that caused her to become so sick recently. Her mind was racing around and around, and she could feel the sob getting to the very top of her throat. She was without any other ability to hold it back. It felt like the air was sucked completely out of her, and the pain had leaked out onto the pillow, soaking it up just like her mother had when she was very little.
After a while the tears and small, gasping sobs stopped and she felt empty. Her eyes stayed on the wall just beyond, the sunlight collecting there making the room smile when she couldn't. Her breathing seemed to even out, and she slowly drifted to sleep hoping to escape into her dream world The Seung Jo of her dreams would finally notice, wouldn't he?
Omma had been scheming all yesterday in an attempt to find out what had been causing Ha Ni to not eat and to look so disheveled. Omma was getting down to the very bottom of this if her life depended on it. She had been snooping at the hospital, her disguise poor, but seemed to do the desired job, neither Seung Jo or her beloved Ha Ni had seen her. And yet the trip hadn't been very fruitful. She had learned nothing about Ha Ni that she didn't already know. She was a loving kind girl, and could be a little stupid sometimes, but her perseverance outweighed the stupidity. Of course Omma had gotten very flustered and went to defend her Ha Ni at times but had to stop herself because she was going to give herself away. She knew some things that people said were true about Ha Ni, that she wasn't the most vigilant or the least clumsy but that didn't mean she was stupid. So once again Omma was stumped. She sat in her bedroom watching the sunrise seep through the cracks in the curtains. Her hair out of its usual neat bun, was splayed against her pillow. Her mind still troubled by the thoughts of what could change her Ha Ni so much. She finally had a wonderful daughter she always dreamed of having, but each day it all seemed to drift further and further from her fairy tale. She was losing Ha Ni. 'Seung Jo must have done something to her!' Omma thought. She sat up quickly, pulling he covers off of Appa to pool around her waist.
"Yes that must be it!" She said much more loudly than she had intended. Appa grumbled some sleepy words, and Omma quickly dressed and hurried to see if Seung Jo was awake. She mumbled under her breath some of the words she would use to get the truth out of Seung Jo.
Seung Jo sat out on the patio in the back, his navy sweater wrapped snuggly around him as he sipped a small mug of coffee he had prepared earlier. The air outside was brisk, but he felt like he could finally breath after so long. Everywhere else always felt so suffocating. There were always people around always wanting something from him. Everyone, except Ha Ni. She never said a word anymore, not even to fight him on the most silly of things. She never complained anymore. She seemed to finally understand what it was supposed to be like with him. He smiled at the thought, but then seemed to frown. 'Is that what I really want? Someone just like me?' He felt troubled. He had married the bubbly oddball of a girl because she had changed him. She was the beauty he had never known before. She made him look at things differently, changed his mind about trusting other people no matter if their IQ was less than his or not. She taught him to be a person like any other. And because of that he adored her, though he would never admit to all of that.
He sipped his coffee again, listening to a bird twitter and chirp hidden in some tree. He didn't know how to feel in that instant. Perhaps more confused than any other moment in his life. Suddenly the beautiful silence that had existed was gone,
"Ya! Seung Jo, what did you do to Ha Ni?"
"Good Morning Omma."
"Don't 'Good Morning' me! What have you done?"
"I have no idea what you are referring to. Ha Ni is fine, just as she's always been."
"My son is an idiot." Seung Jo bolted upright and turned, glaring at his mother.
"Omma, I am not an idiot. Nothing is wrong that I have noticed, she is my wife so I should know."
"You're right, she is your wife. But you have no idea." Seung Jo could feel the burn of anger settle in his gut, but deeper down he knew she was right. Something was off, but what?
"Seung Jo, I'm worried." He could feel the weight in her voice. It was something big, but if she didn't know it was something way too big for anyone to see.
"De Omma, I understand your concern. But perhaps it is nothing, Ha Ni could just be looking for attention, like always. You could be overreacting to nothing at all."
"YA! Seung Jo, Ha Ni would never look for attention. She doesn't need attention." Omma turned her face away feeling frustration lines begin to etch into her skin. "Something else is happening." The words seemed to linger in the air like the sound of a shot ready to kill.
"Maybe you're right." Seung Jo mumbled his voice so quiet his mother couldn't hear him.
"So what have you done?" Her voice rose up higher and higher, each word pitched with a sharper note to carry out the sound.
"Keep your voice down you'll wake the whole house." Seung Jo growled at his mother angrily. This wasn't his fault, there was nothing wrong, nothing. It was all in their imaginations, there was nothing wrong. 'Nothing. Nothing wrong, she's just feeling off.' He kept telling himself. Over and over like a mantra, because that was all he could hope for. He could not let anything else be.
"Seung Jo, I'm sorry. I can see what's wrong already." Seung Jo's head spun quickly to her as his mother retreated inside. What could she see? What was wrong? What?
Ha Ni was waking for the first time, with the same feeling she had before. She was still empty. Just outside the window she could hear a faint conversation going on below. She listened for a while to the murmurs, trying to understand their words.
"So what have you done?" The words were ringing in her ears. It was Omma, but what could she mean? Nothing was happening, she couldn't know what was happening to Ha Ni, so what could she be so upset about? Another gruff reply was heard, but the words were lost. Ha Ni stared at the picture of her and Seung Jo. She used to be so happy, just looking at that picture for hours remembering when Seung Jo first confessed to her in the rain, his arms wrapped around her in the most breath-taking kiss she had ever felt. She had loved him, she still loved him, that would never change. She still wanted to be with him...forever. A fresh tear rolled down her check warm against the pillow. She didn't want to cry any more, she didn't want to feel the confusing pain any more. Yet it still lingered and more tears drifted down her cheeks. She had to get through another day behind the façade she held tightly to.
So she had gotten ready, pulled on her scrubs and prepared for another day at the hospital hoping that it would be less of a struggle to make it through. She was still hoping to hear from the doctor today, hoping to catch him at an off moment perhaps and ask about the news. Down stairs she could hear Omma and Appa jabbering about something. Seung Jo was probably down there too, and perhaps even Eun Jo. She had already thrown up that morning, and the dizziness was making it harder to walk down the steps, but she still did it.
"Good morning, everyone."
"Good Morning Ha Ni! Why don't you sit down next to Seung Jo there and have some breakfast?" Omma ushered her around the table, and into a seat next to Seung Jo. Ha Ni smiled weakly at Omma, and a worried frown slipped over Omma's features so fast Ha Ni barely even noticed.
"This morning I've made some eggs to brighten up the day. Here." Omma settled the plates of food before everyone, and went about serving. Seung Jo held both his and Ha Ni's up for a serving, but otherwise paid no mind to his wife. Ha Ni thanked him and Omma, and proceeded to push her food about the plate taking a small bit ever few pushes. By the time she had to rush out there was still a large mound of food on her plate. Omma looked surprised for the second day in a row.
"Seung Jo-ah, I thought you and Ha Ni planned your days off together? Why is she going to work?"
"This time she wanted to work at the hospital more because there is a patient she is caring for that is very ill and she gets worried more than ever now about him. He is very ill." Seung Jo went back to reading the news paper Appa had left behind when he had left to take Eun Jo to the bus stop.
"Seung Jo-ah, are you going anywhere today?"
"I didn't have any where in particular to go. Perhaps visit Appa Oh at his restaurant and see how he. I haven't been there in a while."
"What a good idea! That would be very nice of you. But I think today would be a better idea for you to figure out what is happening to our Ha Ni."
"Omma, when she is ready she will tell me. Leave her alone."
"You don't understand still. She far past being ready."
"What are you talking about?"
"Seung Jo, have you not noticed her face has been far paler than usual. Or that she barely eats anything, and that would be on the rare occasion she decides to eat?"
"What are you talking about? She was eating right next to me this morning."
"Look at her plate for yourself." Seung Jo looked at the plate beside him noting the large amount of eggs and other breakfast remaining on it. "Does that look like she ate anything?"
"Well other than yesterday, she eats with me everyday, and I haven't noticed anything wrong."
"Why didn't she eat with you yesterday?"
"She never showed up, and by the time I thought it was odd, my lunch was already over. There was no way for me to look for her then."
"I wonder what she was doing at that time, it seems very unlike Ha Ni to miss a lunch or anytime she has to spend with you."
"Don't jump to conclusions, Omma, she probably just had an emergency in her wing of the hospital. Nothing is wrong I tell you, and I want you to leave it at that." Seung Jo once again returned to the paper, busying himself trying to ignore the faces his mother was making, and trying to keep himself from jumping into her illusions with her. With all her talk, his usual cool exterior was beginning to crack.
At the hospital, Ha Ni felt her head spinning, everything was flying out of control and the world around her was too much, lunch had passed and she had felt like eating barely anything. She knew it wasn't good for her, but every time she tried to eat something it would come up in the next second. She had to find out soon what was happening to her, but with her luck she had not bumped in to Dr Goo at all that morning. How could he be missing at a time like this? She had to understand all of it, and perhaps whatever it was could explain so much more, or give her the chance to talk to Seung Jo about how she was feeling. How could he be missing at a time like this? She had to understand all of it, and perhaps whatever it was could explain so much more, or give her the chance to talk to Seung Jo about how she was feeling. She was terrified to find out if something bad was happening to her. Could she really tell Seung Jo that? Or would she save him from the pain and suffer on her own?
Ha Ni's head was full of questions and she just wanted an answer to one of them. Something that would give an explanation. As she rounded the corner from lunch, she saw Dr. Goo at the nurse's station. She straightened herself and headed in his direction determined to find out what was happening to her. Dr. Goo was speaking animatedly with another nurse, who suddenly pointed to Ha Ni just behind him. He looked up, a smile on his face and approached her.
"Nurse Baek, I have your results and its just what I thought it was. Congratulations, you're having a baby." The words sunk in, and a small flutter of happiness filled Ha Ni.
"Are you sure?"
"Quite sure, when you were describing some of the symptoms to me yesterday I was sure, but after the tests came back I'm now a hundred percent." Ha Ni could feel her whole body shake. She was having a baby, her's and Seung Jo's. Perhaps after all she had been through; she was finally going to be able to find that piece of happiness that was missing. Tears welled into her eyes, it wasn't from the very harsh facade that she always carried around, she wasn't sad, she was happy. After such a long time, she was happy. Then it struck her, would Seung Jo believe her? She had thought she was pregnant once before and when they found out she wasn't Seung Jo seemed angry at her more than anything. Would he still be angry with her? It was so early in their marriage that it would be too soon to have a baby. Seung Jo and she were still in school preparing for their degrees, they worked, what felt like, endless hours. And then the worst thing dawned on her, she hadn't been taking care of herself, which in turn meant her baby was suffering.
"Dr. Goo, how far along would you say I am?"
"Hm, I would say about 4 or 5 weeks." The horror etched into Ha Ni's mind, four or five weeks meant that her waning appetite had been hurting her baby for about three or four weeks now. She had never wanted her empty feelings to cause anyone to hurt, or to be in pain, but at that very moment that was exactly what she had been doing. She had been hurting her baby for weeks. Their baby. Ha Ni felt her stomach drop, and her knees began to give out. She fell to her knees wrapping her arms around her middle, and began to cry, softly rocking herself. Dr. Goo panicked and kneeled before her, his hands on her shoulders.
"Nurse Baek, are you alright"
"I need help."
