Goblins' Fist

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Not responsible for... well, for anything really.

Chapter Two: Fire and Bog


Exhausted, Hoggle sat down. That human boy Ranma was a real piece of work! He had endurance, he had energy, and he was very spiteful. Hoggle simply couldn't catch him.

As Hoggle caught his breath, an old goblin walked by and sat down on a chair near the vase. The chair was made of books made from stone. The goblin had on his head a hat that had a head resembling a chicken or peacock on the top of it.

"Excuse me," asked Ranma. "Do you know a shortcut to the castle?"

"What?" asked the old goblin. "Well, well, well. What have we here? A small boy and Horserattle."

"It's Hoggle!"

"Well," began Ranma. "Can you help me to the Goblin City?"

"If he can remember the way there!" chimed in the hat.

"Quiet!" shouted the old coot to his hat. "Sometimes, young man, the way forward is sometimes the way back."

"Would you listen to this rubbish?" said the hat again.

"SHUT UP!"

"Alright! Sheesh!"

"Okay?"

"Okay!"

"Alright..."

"Alright!"

"Are you finished?"

There was a pause, and as the old goblin was about to speak again, his hat spoke up. "Yes."

Glancing upwards angrily, the old goblin continued.

"At times it may seem that we aren't getting anywhere when in fact..."

"We are!" interrupted the hat.

"... we are," grunted the old goblin angrily.

"Well that was helpful," stated Hoggle sarcastically.

They then heard snoring coming from the old goblin.

"Well... that's your luck," stated the hat. One of the old goblin's hands came forward holding a small collections box. "Please leave a contribution in the little box."

Raising his eyebrow, Ranma reached for Hoggle's trinkets.

"Don't you dare!" exclaimed the half-dwarf.

Ranma simply stuck out his tongue and reached into his pocket. He found a five yen coin in it. He placed the coin into the box as the old coot continued to snore.

"Thank you!" said the hat cheerily.

"You didn't have to give him that," said Hoggle as he and Ranma left. "He didn't tell you anything."

As the two of them left earshot, the hat started talking again.

"Well there go a couple of fine suckers!" Glancing down, the hat sweatdropped as he realized the old man really was asleep. "Ugh. It's so stimulating being your hat!"


Ranma and Hoggle continued through the Labyrinth.

"So Hissyfit..."

"Hoggle."

"Whatever. Why do you obey Jareth's orders? You don't seem to like him very much."

"No one actually likes King Jareth. He's also a powerful goblin wizard and quite frankly, he scares me."

Suddenly, they heard a loud and booming cry coming from just around the next corner. Hoggle jumped nearly three feet in the air at the sound. Hoggle turned around and ran away.

"HIGGINS! Stupid chicken! Well, I'm going to check it out."

As the thundering cries continued to ring out, Ranma peered around the corner and saw seven goblins in full body armor tormenting some large beast that had been tied so that he hung upside down. Their instruments of torture? A long stick with a little blind creature that was mostly mouth and the mouth was mostly fangs.

"How do you like our bitesticks? You stupid yeti!" The goblin then pressed his bitestick up to the center of the yeti's back, eliciting another booming cry.

"If only I had some kind of projectile..." mused Ranma. Then, as another cry pierced the air, a pair of rocks rolled past Ranma's foot. Noticing this, he picked them both up.

Not caring where the rocks came from, Ranma took aim and threw one of them, hitting a goblin's faceplate so that his whole helmet spun around on his head. Confused, the goblin also spun around, as if trying to follow his helmet. His bitestick came in contact with another goblin's rear end.

"OW!" he screamed. "Why you bite me!?"

"Sorry! I can't see!"

Approving of the effect, Ranma let loose the other rock, clocking another goblin in the faceplate. This move yielded a similar result, only that now the goblins were accidentally knocking each other's helmets sideways, blinding the whole unit except for one. The one who wasn't blinded was a new recruit and he, being as panicky as new recruits can be, assumed the worst.

"WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! RETREAT!!"

His hysteria was instantly contagious, and all the goblins ran off into the Labyrinth, tripping over each other. One goblin allowed his bitestick to bite another goblin, eliciting a yelp. Another pair of blinded goblins ran into each other.


Back at the castle, many goblins were laughing their heads off.

Looks like I'll need to drill better discipline into my Bitestick Squads, mused Jareth.


Ranma approached the yeti, and it growled at him.

"Quiet!" commanded Ranma.

"Huh?" said the yeti.

"That's no way to treat the person who just saved your butt! Don't you want down?"

"Ludo down!"

"So that's your name? You seem like a big teddy bear or something... I'll get you down if you promise not to hurt me."

"Ludo promise!"

"Alright, one moment." Ranma headed over to where the rope was tied to a root of the same tree that Ludo was hanging from. It was a rather simple knot compared to the ones he usually found on his father when the authorities in small villages had caught him. Ranma untied it quickly. Then he realized the mistake.

THUD! Ludo cried out again.

"Ack! Sorry! Are you okay?"

"Ludo fine..."

"That's good."

"What name?"

"My name? I am Ranma."

"Ranma... Ranma friend!"

Ludo stood up. Even hunched over, he was about eight feet tall. His muscular arms ended in three-fingered hands. His brown fur was dirty and matted with blood from quickly healing wounds. Other than that, he seemed okay.

Ludo reached for Ranma as if to hug him.

"Hold it!" commanded Ranma. Ludo stopped.

"What?"

"Do you know how to get to the Goblin City?"

Ludo looked around, and then faced Ranma. "No."

"You also don't know," sighed Ranma. "I wish Hodgepodge hadn't run off like that. Oh well. Ludo?"

"Yeah?"

"Could I ride on your shoulders? I've been walking all day..."

"Okay!"

This surprised Ranma. He thought that Ludo would just say no, like his father always did.


Jareth was intrigued. Ranma had chosen to make allies with the yeti, just like Sarah would have. Jareth wondered what else Ranma might do the same as the girl.

He had to divert his attention away from Ranma when Hrekkin tugged on his pant leg.

"What is it?"

"Well, Sire, the Fire Gang has ripped apart yet another messenger while 'playing' with him."

"Thank you, Hrekkin." Jareth said this with a professional air. He tossed the diminutive goblin a gold coin for his trouble.

I hope Ranma doesn't go through the right door at the upcoming fork, thought Jareth. The Fire Gang reside beyond it.


Ludo carried Ranma a little deeper into the Labyrinth, where they came upon two doors with metal door knockers that looked like faces.

"Hey Ludo," began the young but surprisingly smart boy. "Which of these would you choose?"

"Hmm..." grunted the yeti.

"It's impolite to stare!" yelled the left knocker, who had his ring in his ears.

"Sorry," said Ranma.

"What?"

Then the right knocker mumbled something that was indecipherable due to the fact that his ring was in his mouth.

"One moment, I can't understand you!" Ranma hopped off of Ludo's shoulders and pulled the ring from the knocker's mouth.

"Ahh! Oh yeah! It feels so good to finally have that thing out of my mouth!"

"What were you saying?"

"I said 'don't bother talking to him; he's as deaf as a post.'"

"Mumble mumble mumble," began the other knocker. "You make such a wonderful conversationalist!"

"You can talk! All you do is moan!"

"Nope. Can't hear you."

"So, do you know what's behind the doors?" asked Ranma.

"Search me; we're only the knockers!" He chuckled at his own joke.

"How do you open the doors then?"

"What?"

"Knock, and the door shall be opened to you."

"Ah. Well, open up then!"

"No way!"

"Open!"

"Uh-uh!"

"So he doesn't want his ring back in his mouth, eh? Can't say I blame him."

Ranma thought about it for a moment.

"Ludo, plug his nose."

Ludo reached over Ranma's head and held the knocker's nose shut. Unable to breathe, the knocker eventually had to open his mouth. When he did, Ranma quickly inserted the ring while Ludo let go of his nose. Ranma knocked twice and the door creaked open.

"Sorry about that."

"Ith's u-key; I'm uth'd do it," mumbled the knocker.

Ranma and Ludo entered the open door into a forest.


"HAH! Pay up!" exclaimed a rather small goblin.

"Shut your dung hole, Dobol!" replied Hrekkin.

Jareth remembered Dobol from when he was a lot younger. He had always hated the little goblin as he was much more annoying and took pleasure in seeing Jareth angry. Dobol seemed to resent humans, even former humans like Jareth.

"So," began Dobol with a sneer. "Who wants to say that the boy will last longer than two minutes against the Fire Gang?"

That pissed Jareth off. He took another crystal sphere from his chaos aura and flicked it above Dobol's head where it transformed into a three ton weight. It landed with a splat. The room was then filled with roaring laughter.

"I guess I don't have to pay him after all," mused Hrekkin. He then realized that Jareth was concerned about the boy. Fearing for his safety, he decided to keep this revelation to himself.


"I can't believe that you, a big yeti, are afraid," said Ranma.

"Yeah..." said Ludo sheepishly.

"Come on, Ludo! There is absolutely nothing to be afraid of!"

Just as Ranma finished the sentence, Ludo fell through a trap door.

"Ludo?" He turned around. "Hey? Where are you?"


Hoggle stopped to catch his breath. He'd been running from whatever monster it was that Ranma went to face. Hoggle would miss his jewelry, but he still had his life.

Just as he looked upwards to begin moving again, he saw Jareth standing right in front of him.

"Oh, h-hello s-s-sire!"

"You'd better get back to Ranma, Hoyle," began the Goblin King. He waited to see if Hoggle would correct him. Hoggle was too scared to do so. "He's going to meet the Fire Gang in a few moments. It would be a terrible setback for him to be ripped apart. On top of that, if he dies I'm going to dump you head-first into the Bog of Eternal Stench. Do we have an understanding?"

"Y-yes!"

"Then get moving!"


Ranma came into a clearing when he heard music start up around him. Several wild-looking goblins leapt from the trees and bushes and began dancing. They were principally red and orange in color, with fur around their faces and shoulders, on their wrists and ankles, and at their loins and the tips of their tails. They also had feathers framing their faces.

"What do you want?" asked Ranma warily.

"We just want to show you a good time!" said the strange goblin closest to Ranma.

Then they began to sing.

When the sun goes down (when the sun goes down)
And the bats are back to bed (and the bats are back)

One of them shook his hand over a fire pit and it ignited the wood within.

The brothers come 'round (the brothers come 'round)
I get out of my dirty bed (my dirty bed)
I shake my pretty little head (I shake my pretty little head)
Tap my pretty little feet (tap my pretty little feet)
Feeling brighter than sunlight (oh)
Louder than thunder (oh)
Bouncing like a yo-yo, wooh (oh)

Don't got no problems (no problems)
Ain't got no suitcase (no suitcase)
Ain't got no clothes to worry about (no clothes to worry about)
Ain't got no real estate or jewelry or gold mines to hang me up.

One of them pulled his eyes out of his head and rolled them on the ground.

"Woah, snake eyes!" exclaimed another goblin.

I just throw in my hand (throw in my hand)

One of them literally removed his hand from his wrist while the goblin who removed his eyes swallowed them and they rolled back into their sockets.

With the chilliest bunch in the land (in the land)
They don't look much (oh)
They sure chilly chilly (oh)
They positively glow glow, huh (oh)

One of them removed his head and traded it with the hand that the other one had removed. He put the hand on his shoulders while the other put the head on his wrist. The whole group of them laughed.

Chilly down with the Fire Gang
Think small with the Fire Gang
"It's the only way!"
Bad hep with the Fire Gang
"A smile a day keeps the doctor away!"
When your thing gets wild
Chilly down

Ranma was seriously getting weirded out by their antics.

Chilly down with the Fire Gang "Hey, I'm a wild child!"
Act tall with the Fire Gang

One of them stretched his body so that he was much taller. "Whoo! Walk tall!"

Good times, bad food "Yeah!"
When your thing gets wild
Chilly down, chilly down

A pair of them combined their bodies so that they looked like a large bird.

Drive you crazy, really lazy, eye rollin', funky strollin', ball playin'
Hip swayin', trouble makin', booty shakin', tripping, passing, jumping
Bouncing, drivin', stylin', creeping, pouncing, shoutin', screamin'
Double dealin', rockin', rollin', and a reelin'
With the mackin' sex appealin'.
Can you dig our groovy feelin'?

One of them played golf with his head, using his own leg as a club.

So when things get too tough (get too tough)
And your chin is dragging on the ground (dragging on the ground)
And even down looks up (down looks up)
Bad luck heh heh,

One of them had reduced himself to just his arms attached to his head.

We can show you a good time (show you a good time)
And we don't charge nothin' (nothin' at all)
Just strut your nasty stuff,
Wiggle in the middle yeh
Get the town talkin', Fire Gang

One had switched his arms and legs around.

Chilly down with the Fire Gang (think small)
Think small with the Fire Gang
Bad hep with the Fire Gang
"Hey, listen up!"
When your thing gets wild
Chilly down

One of them jumped on Ranma and grabbed his head.

Chilly down with the Fire Gang "Hey! His head won't come off!"
Think small with the Fire Gang "Let go! Get off!"
Good times, bad food "Come on! Try again!"
When your thing gets wild "Go away!"
Chilly down "Don't you want to be like us?"

Ranma punched the one on his back. Shocked, he let go.

Chilly down with the Fire Gang "Hey! That's against the rules!"
Think small with the Fire Gang "Yeah, that's not how the game is played!"
Bad hep with the Fire Gang "It is how to play my new game!"
When yo...

The music stopped (with the sound of the needle being quickly pulled across a record like in cartoons) and all the members of the Fire Gang stopped moving. They stared at the boy with curious eyes.

"New game?" asked one of the wild goblins. "No one's taught us a new game before!"

"Y-yeah," began Ranma, thinking quickly. "The rules are simple. Anyone may punch or kick someone on the opposite team. I am one team and the rest of you are the other. Since it is me verses the rest of you, you're not allowed to pull my body apart, though I am allowed to pull you guys apart. Ready?"

The boy got into a fighting stance.

"Ready!" said all the members of the Fire Gang.

"Begin!"


Jareth was surprised. The boy actually survived his encounter with the Fire Gang and would survive subsequent encounters with them. The rest of the room was as surprised and quiet as Jareth. Except for the chickens.

How could it have been that simple? wondered Jareth. Seems Ranma has more potential than I thought.


The Fire Gang had lots of energy and potential for mayhem, as Ranma discovered. They would rip each others' limbs off to try and beat him with them. They would throw their heads at him. They were tenacious.

Soon, being the six-year-old that he was, Ranma began to tire. He decided to retreat. He didn't get far until he was cornered.

Suddenly, a rope dropped down, with Hoggle at the top.

"Ranma! Hurry!"

He scrambled up the rope, calling to the Fire Gang as he went.

"The game's over for now, guys! We'll play again later!"

"What are we supposed to do until then?"

"Practice! On each other!"

"Okay!"

They began ripping their limbs off and beating each other with them.


"Hey Goggles!"

"Hoggle."

"Right. Thanks for getting me out of there. I was getting tired."

Then, they heard Ludo's bellowing again, from over the wall on their left.

"GAH!" screamed Hoggle, as he attempted to run. Ranma caught him though.

"Stupid chicken! It's only Ludo."

"Ludo?"

"Yeah, he's a yeti."

"Yetis and goblins don't get along..."

"Stop whining. I wonder how we get to him..."

Suddenly, they both fell through a trap door.


Jareth had to slap his forehead. Hoggle hadn't been paying attention and they both had fallen through a trap door to the Bog of Eternal Stench. What was he to do if his potential heir smelled bad forever?
Hoggle managed to grab hold of the ledge as he and Ranma shot out of the chute that the trap door had dropped them into. Ranma managed to grab hold of a root. They were both dangling above a very smelly swamp.

"GAH! What is that horrible smell!?"

"It's the Bog of Eternal Stench!"

Ranma pulled himself up. "It smells like... like..."

"Who cares what it smells like!? Help me!"

Ranma helped Hoggle up and onto the ledge.

"So Chicken Wings..."

"Oh come on! That doesn't sound anything like Hoggle!"

"Whatever. Why did you come back to help me?"

"King Jareth's orders. The Fire Gang is one of the most dangerous and uncontrollable types of goblin."

"I kind of figured that out. But if they think that what you want them to do is a game, they'll do it happily. If you can figure out how to make them play the game the way you want to, they are easily manipulated."

"That's impossible! King Jareth has never figured that out!"

Suddenly, the ledge gave out and they both plummeted downwards... right onto Ludo. The poor yeti bellowed in pain from the stone pieces that hit him on the back and head. He sat down and put his arms above him to shield from further debris.

"Ludo!"

"Ranma!"

"Wait... where's Hopscotch?"

They heard some mumbling coming from under Ludo. He stood up and Hoggle scrambled out from under him.

"For the last time: it's 'Hoggle'! GAH! YETI!"

"Shut it, Hubble! This is Ludo."

"Smell bad!" exclaimed the yeti.

"You're right. Let's get out of here."

"Careful," warned Hoggle. "Set so much as a toe into the Bog and you'll smell bad forever!"

"Couldn't you just amputate the toe?"

"Good point, but Jareth sometimes dumps creatures he doesn't like head first into the Bog."

"I see."

They soon came to a bridge made of wood, sticks, and rope. As they approached, a creature leapt out from behind a boulder. It looked kind of like a cross between a squirrel and a fox. It wore clothing that would have been appropriate in King Henry VIII's court. He also held a rod in his gauntleted hands. He had a patch over his left eye.

"Halt! None shall pass!"

"Out of the way, small fry!" threatened Hoggle.

The fox-thing hit the half-dwarf in between the eyes with his rod.

"I, Sir Didymus, shant move for no man!"

"How about for a boy?" asked Ranma.

"Um... Never had a boy try to cross before..."

Ranma glanced at Ludo and they made brief eye contact. Ludo seemed to understand Ranma's meaning. The yeti grabbed a tree branch and swung it at the diminutive creature. Didymus dodged.

"Such foul tactics shall never work on me! Ye hath met thy match! GAH! RIGHT IN MY GOOD EYE!"

As Didymus was busy boasting, Ranma had punched the stupid fox-thing in the eye. Hoggle took this opportunity to throw the screaming fox into the water. Just as they were about to cross the bridge, Didymus leapt out of the water into their path.

"How darest thou!? Dost thou thinkest that dunking me in the swamp shall stop me? Thou art mad!"

"You do realize that you'll smell bad forever, don't you?" asked Ranma.

"What are you talking about? I've never smelled better!"

"You lost your ridiculous accent."

"CURSES! OW!"

Ludo smashed his branch down on the annoying fox, knocking him out.

"Thank you Ludo. Let's go!"

Ranma began walking across the bridge. But then it began to give out. Ranma leapt across the remaining distance before it collapsed.

"Sorry guys. I don't see another way across."

Ludo began howling, causing Hoggle to cover his ears. Rocks began rolling into the Bog, creating a bridge of stepping stones across the water.

"You can summon rocks?" asked Hoggle.

"Sure. Rocks friends!"

They then crossed to join Ranma.


Jareth looked at the clock. Only six hours and forty-three minutes left.

Ranma certainly works fast!

The other goblins were also impressed. If all went well, they would arrive at the gates to the Goblin City in less than half an hour.


Sir Didymus woke up twelve hours later...

"Ow... What happened last night? I have such a hangover!"

Right. Let him believe what he wants to.


End Chapter Two.

Next Chapter: The City, the Castle, and the Impossibility Room.

Author's Notes

When I saw Ezlo from the game Zelda: the Minish Cap, I was immediately reminded of the old coot from "Labyrinth" with the talking hat. Especially since both hats' heads were birds' heads.

Yeah yeah. I followed the movie a bit more closely during the first half of the chapter, but that's because I wanted Ranma to meet the Fire Gang. Imagine, the Fire Gang with martial arts training...

Poor Hoggle; no one seems to be able to remember his name. Though Jareth seems to do it on purpose.

I checked my DVD in the scene selections. It in fact is Ludo, not Bludo or Bluto.

There's a reason why I didn't have Sir Didymus join the group. He annoys Ranma. Besides, I never did like the stupid fox. He was amusing at times, but he is just too stupid. Also, this is a little foreshadowing for what is going to happen in Nerima...

I wonder... Should I have Ranma meet the Junk Lady in the next chapter or should I have him meet her in subsequent visits to the Labyrinth?

I am giving thanks to my new prereader Cylon One for being more prompt than MagusNecromancer or FlyGod.

Well, Merry Christmas! Or whatever holiday you're celebrating. I'm celebrating Christmas, so there! No Christmas special this year... maybe next year?