Year One
First Lieutenant Ashley Williams
The sun sank warm fingers of light through the purple-leaved trees and into the dark cobalt of First Lieutenant Ashley Williams' jacket, glancing off the metal buttons and medals. They'd erected a white pavilion that rippled in the wind, to give the family some shade. But she stood, unmoving, in the sunlight. Gunnery Sergeant Julia Alvarez stood beside her with red rimmed eyes.
Ashley's shoulder ached as if she could still feel the weight that had been on it, even though her eyes were fixed forward. Fixed to the weighted coffin draped in Alliance blue. What was worse? Carrying the weight of your lover's body in a box, or knowing it wasn't really her in there? Just fragments of bone, shattered by impact. That was all the Alliance had found of the twenty-two who died with the SSV Normandy. Pieces, scraped together and given to their families, vastly diminished from who they'd been in life.
They were going to erect a monument on Alchera, amidst the Normandy's icy bones. She'd been invited. She'd told Anderson she'd rather just go back to work.
No church or priests - perhaps Hannah's way of acknowledging her daughter had let go of her belief in God a long time ago - just a sea of Alliance blue and white uniforms, testament to a different kind of faith.
Commodore Hannah Shepard slowly got to her feet. She was dressed in the blinding white of her dress uniform, her gold stars of rank glinting on her shoulders, and her face was as hard and blank as diamond. "Thank you all for coming today to honour the life of my daughter, Commander Emilia Shepard." Her eyes touched on the dignitaries in front row seats. The Prime Minister, the new Defence Minister, Admiral Hackett, a wane Commodore Anderson. Councillor Tevos had made the trip on behalf of the Council, her white-gloved hands folded in her lap and her blue eyes inscrutable.
"It means a lot to all of us." Behind her sat her son - the brother Ash had never gotten to meet, a tall man she didn't recognise who had to be Shepard's stepfather, Hannah's parents in their own dress whites and Rosa and Joaquín Alves. Rosa kept looking over at her, but Ash avoided her gaze.
The words were rote, like reading from a list. "Gunnery Sergeant Tan, if you would."
A man in Marine dress blues, rose carefully from his seat. From under his chair, a mobility assistance mech unfolded and a grizzled hand reached out to grab the handle. It allowed him to walk, albeit slowly, to the front of those gathered.
He was of Asian appearance, the passage of time weathering his skin. His uniform, pristine as it was, looked like it was not worn often; in truth, it only found itself draped around his shoulders at official events, mostly funerals. Gunnery Sergeant Tan was retired, because of the very wounds that required him to rely on the support of the mech he'd brought with him.
His omnitool pulsed, and a small display appeared around his arm. Those in front of him would be able to see words appear across it. Though, with a small smile, he immediately went off book.
"That might be the first time a Commodore introduced a Gunnery Sergeant." Then, after a beat, "Thank you, Ma'am."
Tan stood, up the front, for a few more moments in silence, almost as if he was composing his already motionless features. Then, with measured reverence, he began: "For those of you who do not know me, I am Gunnery Sergeant Tan Duc. I had the distinct honour of being the Platoon Sergeant to Emilia Shepard, from 2174 to 2176. Those of you familiar with the Blitz will notice that those dates include the action on Elysium, for which Lieutenant Shepard would receive the Star of Terra.
"Many, many people over the years have asked me why she made that stand on Elysium - and why we all went along with it, still dressed for the beach. I think it was because she was too stubborn to do otherwise. She wasn't going to move - they had to." He smiled, just a little. "And we went along with it because she made us believe too."
"Shepard was brilliant, stubborn, sometimes arrogant, empathetic, brave to a fault. But that was her best quality. Not only could she convince you that she could do the impossible, but she'd convince you that you could do it too.
"She loved people and she genuinely believed that leading Alliance Marines and sailors was a privilege. She always wanted to get everyone across the finish line. I think most of you here know that. She just had an effect on everyone around her. A lot of people saw her hard edges and stoicism and mistook it for cynicism, but it always amazed me that in reality Emilia Shepard was the biggest idealist I ever met. She truly believed in what the Systems Alliance could be, in doing everything you could to protect those who couldn't fight for themselves, for doing the right thing wherever and whenever you could.
"Shepard was a good Marine, a good officer to the end. She died embodying the same ideals she lived - going back for a trapped friend, no matter the potential cost to herself, because she was the CO and that meant something to her. Something worth dying for. I think that's what she'd like us to remember. It's not the length of life that defines someone, it's what they do with it. Standing for something. Living with courage and conviction. Thank you."
They stretched the flag out across the casket and folded it crisply into a neat triangle, white Alliance stars facing up. Shepard had loved the stars.
"You know we're going to have to live on a space station, right? Arcturus or the Citadel."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. I can't stay on a planet for longer than three weeks before I get the itch, and for our work-"
"I don't recall ever saying that I'd move in with you, Commander."
"But you will, right? When we're done being patient." She'd said that with that little half-smile of hers, the genuine one she kept just for Ash.
"If you're very lucky-"
And then Shepard had tackled her onto the bed and they'd laughed and kissed and they'd both known that Ash would say yes when the time came, both a little breathless with those first confessions of love. And Ash had really thought that this was going to be her future. That eventually she'd get a different posting and they wouldn't have to hide anymore, that they'd have their own apartment, they'd fight over Shepard's terrible taste in HV shows and whether their books should be arranged alphabetically or by genre, and they'd come home to each other.
Instead, Shepard was dead. She'd died alone and darkness while Ashley got on an escape pod.
Gunshots rang out across the cemetery three times, shattering the stillness. Anderson knelt to press that triangle of fabric into Hannah Shepard's white gloved hands.
And then Ashley Williams drifted like a boat cut free of its moorings.
She found Wrex standing over the freshly turned dirt. The inscription on the pale white headstone was still fresh.
Emilia Shepard
Star of Terra
Commander
Systems Alliance Navy
11 April 2154
12 December 2183
"Liara isn't here," he said when she stopped next to him, crossing her arms. The etched words didn't feel real, like she was reading them but they left no imprint on her mind.
"No." Ashley didn't want to think about her last argument with Liara. What the asari was doing - that was something more like denial. People weren't machines. They couldn't find all of Shepard's scattered pieces in the snow and put her back together.
Oh god.
"It figures," the old krogan said, the rumble of his voice jolting her almost painfully.
"What does?"
"No one living could kill Shepard, so the Void itself had to." Wrex pulled out a bottle and unscrewed the list, filling the air with the sharp scent of ryncol. "To krannt and not giving up."
He upended the bottle and they both watched as the ryncol splashed down over Shepard's almost-empty grave, pooling and slowly soaking through.
When the last drop was gone he put the bottle away and nodded once to himself. "It's time for me to go. There's work to be done."
Ash watched the huge krogan man walking away. He didn't move for the crowd - the crowd moved for him.
Suddenly, she couldn't quite breathe. She needed to be somewhere else. She struck out blindly in search of the carpark, away from the little knot of Shepard's family, away from the weight of Rosa Alves' eyes on her back.
She almost made it too, before a hard hand came down on her shoulder. She twisted, scowling at the narrow features of Joseph Coyle, retired N7 and current Corsair. He was in his dress whites, the blood stripe down his arm. The only one, besides Shepard's abuelos, who'd known what they were to each other. She really didn't want to deal with that right now.
"What?" she snapped.
"Me n' the other Alliance types, we're headed to Murdoch's. You should come along."
"I don't know." She had a very tempting date with the bottle of bourbon back at her hotel, and the only time she'd been to Murdoch's had been with Shepard.
"You shouldn't be alone," he said strongly, ignoring the way she bristled. "This is a time you should be with your family."
"C'mon, Boss." Jaz came up to her other side. This was only the second time she'd seen him in his dress blues. The first time had been under sufferance, for the awards ceremony on the Citadel.
After a moment, Ash felt her shoulders slump, and she let the newly promoted Corporal take her by the arm and draw her towards a waiting taxi.
Murdoch's Bar and Grill slowly filled with Alliance troops, not a few of them wearing blood stripes on their arms. Ash found a corner and a glass, shooing off her young Corporal from hovering. Of course, he found someone new to hang on to - some grizzled Senior Chief N7 corded with muscle - and of course it was him who breached the silent tension.
"So she just, punches him square in the face! A fucking krogan! The bastard is so shocked he freezes for a second and gives her the time to shoot him with her shotgun."
"That sounds like Loca," Coyle said affectionately, "One time we were scouting out some slaver den in a shithole city in the Traverse - just eyes on, y'know? Anyway, their top guy just walks out to have a leak, the dumbfuck. So Loca just jumps outta the car before any of us can ask what this fuckin' O3 thinks she's doing, brazen as you'd like. Grabs him, puts a bag over his head and just stuffs him in the trunk! The sentries were so shocked they only got off a few shots before we'd floored it!"
Ashley tossed back the last of her drink and went in search of another, jostling through her brothers and sisters in arms to the bar. With a strange half-cry, half-bark, Gunnery Sergeant Tan, the man who'd given the eulogy, overbalanced and began to fall backwards. His mech limply stood above as he raced towards the ground.
Lightning quick, she quickly grabbed his arm, arresting his fall, "Shit, sorry Gunny."
Just as quick, he grabbed back at her, and allowed himself to be helped back to his feet. After a moment, he steadied himself and reached for his mech again. The Marines he was drinking with looked over in concern, but soon returned to conversing and drinking.
"That's quite alright, Lieutenant," he said. He didn't look angry, but he wasn't too pleased either. "Where were you off to in such a hurry?"
She shrugged and called for another drink. If she was going be stuck here listening to all of it, she was damned well going to be drunk. She took a long sip from her glass. "Good speech, by the way. Better than what the PM said on HV."
"I appreciate that." His face softened somewhat, and a pleasant smile fell across his lips. "I've had a bit of practice at it," his voice softened. "When someone from our platoon on Elysium passes, I tend to be the one to say something at the graveside. Funny… I never thought it would be Shepard. After Elysium… I really did think she was invincible."
After a brief moment, he sobered himself somewhat. "You were one of the pall bearers, right, Lieutenant," he checked the nametape, and almost did a double take, though didn't mention it if he recognised the name. "Williams? How did you know her?"
A year ago, a double take at her name would have had her bristling. It felt like forever ago. Like she'd been someone else - younger, defensive, unaware that her last name was far from the worst thing that could happen to her.
"Someone makes a habit of surviving the impossible, you start to think they always will." She couldn't help the bitterness that dripped from her voice. "And yeah. Shepard pulled my ass out of the fire on Eden Prime. I was the Normandy's Marine Detachment sergeant, then the Detachment CO." Her fingers brushed the silver bars at her throat. "She pinned these on me."
She took another gulp from her glass.
"Well, you learned from the best, let me tell you." He also had a long swig, a bourbon man, clearly. "I was her Platoon Sergeant - I got her when she was fresh from OCS. God, she was a warrior even from the start. What was she like, on the Normandy? When I read in the news, first human Spectre, I couldn't believe it. Then, I thought about it for a moment and it made perfect sense."
"You knew her before Elysium and Akuze." Ash couldn't quite imagine that. Shepard had carried those around with her wherever she went. "She was…" A lump formed in her throat and she looked away. Was. "Well. I don't think there's too many officers who could convince all seventy of a crew to mutiny and steal a frigate. But she did."
Surprisingly, Tan laughed at that. Clearly the emotion of the day was getting to him too. "Yeah, that was Shepard alright. The kind of officer people wanted to impress. Marines would follow to hell and back." There was something wild about the way he said it, like he felt the same himself. "She saved a lot of people on Elysium, but it still wasn't enough in her mind."
"Heroic to a goddamn fault." She finished her drink and called for another. "I should have gone with her."
"You know that's not what she would have wanted." Tan was gentle when he said that. Like he'd talked not a few young men and women through bouts of survivor's guilt. "She was heroic to a fault," he agreed. "Honestly… She didn't even mean to be like that. It's just who she was."
He was right. Ashley had loved her for it. "Yeah. So, where'd you travel from?"
"Shanxi. It's where I'm from - lived there during the FCW, and moved back once I retired. I do travel quite a lot nowadays though. I work with Got Your Six - you know, the veteran's support group. I do motivational speaking and assist with disability claims, pension claims. I also do some of the marketing. A lot of it is done via extranet, but I need to attend events sometimes."
The smile faded a little. "But then sometimes I need to travel to attend things like this. Funerals for some of my Marines. We had a lot of serious disabilities after Elysium and I knew my Marines well."
Even after all this time, she still flinched despite herself when hearing Shanxi. "Good on you. I've heard you guys do good work." At the mention of his old platoon - Shepard's old platoon - her expression faded into sympathy, "Shepard told me. She was often busy, but she kept up with what was going on with you guys. I was with her, when she finally got Elanos Haliat. Arsehole tried to nuke us."
She barked a laugh despite herself. "Joke was on him though. We got him and his people anyway."
Tan was incredulous. "He tried to nuke you? I heard Shepard got him, some shithole in the Traverse." He shared that laugh with Ashley. "You see? She's like an action vid hero! I bet Haliat was pissed. He was embarrassed after the Blitz turned out to be such a failure."
She smiled. "Yeah, some FCW era nuke, shoved it down a mining tunnel. I told her that it was a trap and she was just 'yeah probably'. I had to wonder how he even managed to pull the Blitz together if that was his plan. He ranted about how they were the same and then she just shot him."
At this point, Tan was almost slack-jawed. "He shoved an old nuke in a mining channel, lured you into an obvious trap, ranted like some B-rate vid villian, and then caught a bullet? That… is the craziest fucking thing I've ever heard. Good work getting through that in one piece. Did the nuke even work?"
"I know, right? I swear Shepard just attracted weird shit like that that. As for the nuke - I dunno, man, our tech disarmed the trigger. Wasn't going to sit around to see if it worked." She laughed again, leaning against the bar. Over Tan's shoulder she could see two of her Marines wrestling - in their dress blues. Hopefully neither of them broke anything. "Can't say I was impressed by the 'architect of the Blitz'."
"Psh. I thought he would've put up a bit more of a fight." Tan scratched at his stubble, a pause that allowed him to study Ashley's face for a moment.
After a moment, he gestured behind and around him. "It's getting crowded here. Let's find a corner." His head turned over his shoulder to one of the other Marines and he said something quietly Ash wouldn't have been able to hear properly, then stood with his mobility mech.
He didn't demand Ash follow him, but the air he exuded and the way he carried himself indicated a sense of authority, like he was used to be listened to. Ever the NCO.
Ash shrugged and followed, taking her drink with her and following into a dark corner up the back of the room. Jaz appeared to be animatedly telling the story of how Shepard had shoved poor Dubyansky out of the driving seat and personally steered the Mako through the Conduit. She'd gone to the handsome Russian sergeant's funeral too. His wife had clung to both of their little boys the entire time.
She threw herself into the seat, leaning back in her chair and taking another sip. The alcohol had sunk into her now, made the room blur around the edges. Numbed the sharp feeling in her chest. "Funny, huh?" she smiled, though there was little humour in it. "Her first platoon sergeant and her last."
She raised her glass, nearly slopping a bit over the side.
She was clearly not pacing herself. Wordlessly, a small flourish produced a handkerchief, which he offered to Ash. "In case the next one lands on the table." It sounded like it might have been a joke, but there was something else behind it. "What's eating you, Lieutenant?"
"Thanks," was all she said to the offer of the hankerchief. At the question she chuckled bitterly and waved a hand a little wildly at the rest of the room. "Isn't it obvious?"
Tan shook his head. "If it were obvious, you'd be standing over there with them-" he pointed to Jaz, gesticulating wildly, and the Marines listening intently, occasional laugh erupting from them, "-giving your own recounts of daring-do. I've been around the block, Williams. I know how these things go."
He leaned forward and gently finished, "There's no judgement here. Not from me. You can get it off your chest."
Ash breathed in unevenly, staring into her glass. "I was in love with her." She was surprised her voice didn't waver. "And now she's dead, so…"
She shrugged and downed the rest of her drink.
If this fact shocked him, Tan gave no indication. "I am… sorry. For everything. That's a tough pill to swallow. Were the two of you involved?"
"Yeah." She rubbed her forehead. "We didn't...no one except Coyle and her grandparents knew. The N7 who dragged us all here, and only because he saw me nearly get my head shot off in front of her. Even now," she laughed, a little unsteadily, "I was her Staff Sergeant, then her Lieutenant. We both know how people would look at it."
Tan nodded knowingly. "Yeah. It never matters what actually happened, just what people think happened. There's no need for any of that."
He smiled a little, despite himself. "I am impressed you managed to keep that a secret for any stretch on a ship the size of the Normandy."
Ash laughed, rubbing at her numbed cheeks. "Yeah. She was just always so professional. Guess people didn't think she had it in her. I guess I just need to believe she's with God now. Putting in a good word for us."
"Or beating Him in an arm wrestle." Tan grinned. "Being friends with Shepard? We'll have no problem up there."
After a few moments of bemusement, he became serious again. "Have you spoken to any of her family?"
She shook her head. "Her grandmother made sure I was one of the pallbearers but...no."
Tan's response was rather simple. "Why?"
"What could I say?" she asked dispiritly, "I'm the subordinate that was sleeping with her for a few months. There's a reason she never told Hannah."
"Well, I understand that. But now that it's over, whether she may have been ashamed of frat or not, her mother, or her family, might appreciate some insight into how she was during the last few months." He took a long sip, carefully watching for her reaction. "Besides, from your perspective, it sounds like a lot more than you were just sleeping together."
"She said she loved me," Ash said softly, "I guess… Part of me isn't ready to acknowledge that it is over."
"I'm sorry. But you don't have to acknowledge that right now. You don't have to feel like you're alone, either." Between his palm, he rolled the glass that was in front of him. He'd seen Marines lose a best friend or lover, either through combat or something else. Sometimes, they did something stupid.
He hesitated before saying the next thing. It was soft, though. "You will one day have to accept that she's not coming back, I'm sorry to say. But it doesn't have to be today. Take the time to grieve, no matter if people try to rush you. Don't try to bury it - it always comes out eventually." Tan reached across the table, easing one of his gloved hands around one of Ashley's and gave it a firm squeeze. "I'm truly sorry for your loss. Move at your own pace. That's the important thing to remember."
She chuckled a little, squeezing back. "You're not too shabby at this, huh? I'll talk to people. Thank you."
He laughed too. "Well that's why I do it. I figure if I don't have my body anymore-" he released Ash's hand to gesture at his mech "-I might as well develop my heart, and my mind. You can have my personal number too, Lieutenant."
He sighed. "I cared about her too. You should have seen her on Elysium. She had that fire in her eyes…"
"Thanks. It's good to talk to someone who knew her, you know? Not just the public persona - hell how many people at that funeral would've been horrified at how she spoke with her Marines?" She smiled, bittersweetly. "It killed her, the Battle of the Citadel. Sending all those sailors and Marines in like she had to. I hate that people are trying to make it out like… Like she didn't care, or that she was pandering to aliens or even that she was somehow incompetent."
Anger flashed in the Lieutenant's eyes. "That's what some of them are trying to do, you know. Make out that she was mentally unstable. Inexperienced as a ship captain. That its her fault the Normandy crashed. It's all bullshit."
Again, Tan chuckled. "She was more rough-and-tumble then she appeared." He tilted his head as he listened to her. Sagely, he nodded. "I know. And we both know she did nothing wrong - she wasn't always by the book, but she never did anything wrong. Don't listen to the nay-sayers. They'll check the comms, the logs, interview the pilot."
Tan sighed. "The media always does this. You know how they framed Elysium? "Failure of Systems Alliance Births War Hero". Like it was our fault for the Blitz, and that it was the only reason Shepard could save us. And you knew-" that sounded so weird, talking about Shepard like she wasn't there anymore "-her better than anyone."
"She hated that. First time we met she told me she wasn't special. Always said it was all of you guys who saved Illyria, not just her."
Tan smiled. "I know. She came to see me in the hospital, after the dust settled. Wearing a Star… It was more like a weight on her shoulders than a badge of honour. She told me…She told me that it was part of the reason she became an N. She didn't want to be paraded around like some show piece Marine. She never asked for the Star, or to be first human Spectre, or any of it."
The rest of the night passed in a blur as the crowd of Alliance soldiers, sailors and Marines ebbed and flowed - but the bar never quite emptied. Finally, at some point, Coyle put Ash's arm over his shoulder and helped her back to her hotel room.
"I need to talk to somebody," she informed him.
He patted her shoulder. "I know, but you should have a nap first."
"Nap?" she blinked at him.
"Best not to talk to a one star off your face, Williams. Sleep, painkillers then talk to her."
"You're a….you're a smart man, Coyle." The room swam around her.
He smiled sadly. "So people have told me. Get some rest, Williams."
