These Words I Can Not Speak...
Leo lay in his bed waiting to hear his brother return from his trip topside. Raph was out late, again. Leo wanted to wait downstairs like he use to…but he just didn't feel he should. He thought it would start a fight between himself and Raph. Usually Leo would have done it anyway. Leo reasoned getting into fights with Raph was worth it, to keep his rebellious brother safe and aware of his actions. But since his time away, since that night on the roof…well Leo just didn't feel like he should push Raph too much at the moment. Their relationship had settled into calm truce of sorts, which was nice. Leo didn't want things to escalate to that point between them ever again. And in all honesty Leo thought Raph had a point…he had been gone a long time. What right did he have to be on Raph's case about every little thing? Raph had managed to survive in his absence. Even with the choices he made. But that didn't mean Leo would ever stop worrying about his brother while he was out there though, he would never stop worrying about any of his family, ever.
Finally Leo heard stumbling footstep that could only belong to his red wearing brother as he made his way down the hall. Leo breathed a sigh of relief at knowing that Raph had made it home safe. Leo thought Raph's footsteps sounded like he was quiet drunk, but he pushed down the urge to rush out and scold his brother. Instead he concentrated on keeping his breathing even and his body still, eyes closed. Leo heard Raph pause at his partially open doorway and watch him for several minutes before he continued his stumble to his own room. Leo wasn't sure what Raph had been doing at his doorway…probably surprised I wasn't waiting up for him. Now that he knew Raph was safely in his room Leo concentrated on going to sleep for real, he had to get up for training in a few hours.
A bit later a faint noise by his doorway pulled Leo from the edges of sleep. Shooting up in bed, Leo waited for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. Leo rose from his bed and moved carefully to his doorway. His foot touched something smooth and cool at the edge of the door way. Leo turned his light on and saw a folded piece of paper pushed underneath the partly opened door. Leo opened his door and checked outside. Non-one was there. The lair was silent and still. Shutting his door Leo opened the paper as he made his way back to the bed. It was a letter.
Leo,
Leo...wel 'm not exactly sober right now an I can't sleep. I jus can't stop thinking. I can't say this face to face. Because, well I just can't. I'll probly reget this tomorrow... sounding all emo here but Im sorry bout that night. I let my anger take ove. You gotta know Id never relly hurt you. It makes me sick to think I nearly did. I just felt so angry. I felt like youd abandoned us (would it hav killed you ta write? Let us know you were ok, that you still cared). then you come back ready to give orders. Expectin us to fall in line again... Not that I ever have done that easy, but I just. I don't even no. I just wanted you to know some of what drove me to act thatway. And that I'm sorry. And that I'm glad ya back leo.
Raph.
Leo read through the miss spelt scrawl twice. He shook his head to clear it. Was he dreaming, this was such a un-Raph like thing to do. Even if he was under the influence of alcohol. Raph was actually telling someone how he truly felt outright, not by yelling or throwing punches, not letting it boil inside him until he eventually exploded all over the place. Leo didn't know what to do…should he go to Raph now? Should he talk to him tomorrow? He knew in the light of day. Sober and bright, Raph would shut down. Leo bet Raph was right he would be regretting this letter to no end once he got up in the morning. So Leo decided to just leave it for now. Getting up Leo switched his light back off and then returned to his bed. It took a while but eventually Leo fell asleep, clutching Raph's letter in his hand.
They all got up for practice the next morning. Raph felt embarrassed (and just a little hungover) about the drunken confession of feelings he had slipped under Leo's door last night. He kept waiting for Leo to bring it up. Or at least lay into him about being drunk. He'd admitted it in writing after all. But Leo acted as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened last night. Raph knew he'd been drunk but he remembered everything that had happened and everything that he had written last night. And it kind of hurt that Leo had just ignored it. Although Raph wasn't sure he wanted to have a big heart to heart about it either…no he was positive he didn't want that. But still, no reaction at all felt like a slap in the face.
The day went on like normal. Raph didn't bring the letter up either and after dinner he went topside again. He came back relatively early this time and was in bed by 12. Raph was just starting to drift off when he heard something slide under his door. Raph flicked the lamp beside him on and swung his legs off the side of his hammock. Raph stood planting his feet gently on the floor and moved slowly to retrieve the folded paper. He was sure he knew who it was from. Raph suddenly felt nervous. Cautiously he picked it up.
Raph
I'm sorry too.
I know you'd never want to hurt me purposely…we both just let our emotions take over. It's just as much my fault as yours so don't blame yourself. Please.
I need you to know this, I NEVER stopped caring about you guys while I was away. I never ever could. I hate that I made you think that, even for a second.
I've got no excuses. I should have written. I didn't know what to tell you guys. Being out there alone kind of warps your mind. I just began to feel like that ghost the villagers believed me to be. It was like I didn't even exist anymore. I never stopped caring about you all and missing you guys. I guess I just forgot that maybe you guys cared about and missed me too. I thought you were all better off without me. I mean I went so far way, to train to be a better leader and I felt I had failed. I think maybe I did. Maybe I always have.
You're right you know…I can't just come back and expect things to be how they were. I guess I did abandon you guys, but I didn't mean to… I wasn't there for any of you. I guess I've got to earn the right to be listened to again.
I'm glad I'm back to Raph. The second I walked through the door I regretted being away so long.
But I'm here to stay now.
Leo.
What do you think?
