(Author's Note: Thane and Shepard's romance has a very tricky situation no one seems to want to talk about: If Thane's wife is waiting for him in the afterlife, what happens to his love for Shepard? How does this get reconciled? I couldn't find anyone that could provide an answer, so I set myself to the task of finding one. This is my solution to a problem that Thane/Shep shippers do their very best to avoid. In the end, I think it gives the characters some much needed peace - I hope you will agree.
Credit goes to LawGrad07 for her excellent and thoughtful ideas about drell physiology, body language, and vocal communication.
The title comes from a poem of the same name written by Dylan Thomas.)
And Death Shall Have No Dominion
You cannot choose who you fall in love with.
That's what Shepard told herself every time she stepped out of the elevator, as she headed to Life Support, a spring in her step and a smile on her face. You didn't just go out and find love, it found you, often with extreme prejudice.
Time and time again, people found themselves declaring undying love for strange, even otherworldly partners. It was by no means a new phenomenon - every species had troves of literature about star-crossed lovers doomed to be exiled or worse for every racial and sociopolitical excuse in the book.
It happened plenty in real life as well, which probably explained the popularity of tragic love stories in the entertainment industry. No matter how stacked the odds, the most bizarre couples would find each other and gloriously launch a life together in spite of all conventional wisdom. It was shocking, really, how many human and turian couples sprang up after the First Contact War. Shepard had even seen a salarian and krogan once, though she wasn't sure if that had been a comedy or not - it had been on a late-night program.
Over and over again, these unique and sometimes quirky relationships would form without rhyme nor reason. The galaxy at large had, more or less, ceased to be surprised by these odd combos, though the political clout of the asari may have hastened that viewpoint into wide acceptance. It was generally believed that love 'just happened' and everyone involved was only along for the ride.
Though all the races and cultures of the galaxy had many points of contention, they all appeared to be in agreement on one unspoken rule: You cannot choose who you fall in love with.
Falling in love with a dying man certainly gave truth to the maxim. Further, it proved that not even the remarkable Shepard was immune to the strange demands of the heart.
It had blind-sided her, love. But then, if all the stories out there had a grain of truth, that's the way it usually worked. Love was as stealthy and powerful as the man she had unwittingly fallen for.
There was no one moment that really made it happen. There was no ding! and an announcer saying, "Congraaaatulations! You're in LOVE!" It happened gradually, suffusing every fiber of her being until she had what addicts call a moment of clarity.
One day, Shepard had looked up during lunch, saw Thane delicately petting her escape-artist hamster, and her heart tried to turn itself inside out. A warm, pleasant ache shot through her, so strong it made her lungs stutter in shock. She'd waved away everyone's concerned looks as she clutched her chest, tears in her eyes, trying to avoid his gaze. Her hands had trembled, groping for a glass of water, as she wrestled with one, startling thought: Holy shit, I'm in love.
Romance had never really been of interest to her. Always a career type, she'd focused on following in her parents' footsteps. She'd signed up for the military on her eighteenth birthday and shipped out to boot the next week. After that, the military life swept her up in all its demands. Simply put, she didn't have time for a romance. Kind as Liara was and amusing as Kaiden could be, she never once looked at them in a romantic light. Aside from the rule against fraternization (which was The Law as far as she was concerned and just made plain sense), she always saw them for what they were: A specialist and a soldier, parts of her team.
The mission came first in her eyes; the mission always came first.
She'd had a few liaisons, of course - she wasn't that naive. However, those usually ended disastrously or after one night, often in disappointment. Thus, she'd never really paid much attention to them.
War was easier than relationships.
That's probably why she fell in love with Thane, now that she thought about it. She had treated him just like all the others, as a member of her team, a pair of steady hands and sharp eyes to watch her six. So when he stopped being 'Krios' in her mind and started to become 'Thane' she didn't notice the difference such a subtle shift made.
By the time she did, it was already too late.
There was no real way to describe why he fascinated her so much - he just did. He was interesting. He was polite, a rarity itself in the galaxy and a quality she hadn't much chance to enjoy in others since she was surrounded by soldiers or politicians, who only grew more polite as they grew more vicious. Thane was well-spoken and sophisticated, as confident and controlled of his words as he was with his body. He knew so much, was so thoughtful and engaging that she could talk to him for hours and still be enthralled.
His ravishing voice was an extra bonus. For some reason she found him calming, as though an aura of peace surrounded him. It was incredibly refreshing to just sit and talk like regular people, her eyelids heavy from the warmth of Life Support and the soothing rumble of his voice. Being near Thane was like a tranquilizer for her nerves and whenever she was particularly tense her feet would automatically take her to him.
After a while, she found her thoughts being drawn to him constantly as well.
It would happen as she passed through the markets on Omega and spotted a set of bells for sale; a grin came out of nowhere, the image of Thane with a bell around his neck clear in her mind's eye. (He'd seemed baffled by her gift, but accepted it gracefully.) Sometimes, when passing a restaurant the scent of powerful spices tickling her nose would bring him to mind, prompting Garrus to ask her what she was smiling about.
Often, she'd lay awake for hours at night, just thinking about him.
Anyone that had been in a relationship would have recognized the signs. Shepard, having avoided romantic entanglements through dedication to work, was blissfully ignorant until she caught herself wondering how far Thane's dark green stripes went down his back.
The thought came out of left field, right when they were talking about poetry (a secret pleasure her Commander image would never let the world know about) and made her turn such a deep shade of red that Thane had stopped in mid-sentence and asked if she was feeling well. She'd had to hurriedly excuse herself, claiming food poisoning.
That was when she had a sneaking suspicion something had changed.
She'd never considered herself to be attracted to other species. She could appreciate inter-species aesthetics of course but not once did this stir a powerful attraction in her. Sure, she could look at an asari super-model and admit she was pretty. Or a Fornax ad for their 'turian special edition' would flash garishly in Omega and she could agree that the turian was a fine specimen, but did that make her want to knock Garrus down on the spot? No, of course not.
Therefore, when she found herself wondering, more and more, what Thane's hands would feel like sliding against her bare back or what it would feel like to wrap her legs around his waist, she was totally caught off-guard. Sometimes it was all she could do to stop herself from snuggling up to him and pressing her ear to his chest, just wanting to hear what his voice sounded like this way. Soon, she found herself wondering what his kiss would taste like or if the pleats on his cheeks and throat were really silky smooth as they looked and-
And he was almost forty! she reminded herself, blushing.
As if that mattered to her hormones.
There was no denying it - every day, Thane looked sexier and more handsome, to the point where a simple smile from him would make her heart flutter like a schoolgirl. The image of herself as a schoolgirl was so wildly bizarre she coudn't even picture it.
Shortly after that, she'd started doing things that startled even her. Familiar things. Intimate things.
Things a CO would never do.
Like the one time Grunt had, for reasons unknown, head-butted a turian through an ice-cream stand on the Citadel. The little stand exploded in a shower of sprinkles, pecans and, of course, ice-cream, liberally spraying everyone with sugary delight. Grunt bellowed a challenge, pedestrians started screaming, the salarian that owned the stand began jabbering away like a whistling kettle, and the unlucky turian was dazedly shouting something about pink elcor. It took one well-voiced roar from Shepard to silence the lot of them. Then she swung toward her youngest team member. The lightning in her eyes made even Grunt appear abruptly uncertain.
A few seconds later, Grunt was cleaning up the mess in total silence. The salarian started tending to the turian, who'd begun to mutter something about juggling hanar, and a single glare from Shepard sent the rubberneckers packing. Still muttering blackly, Shepard turned around, took one look at Thane and started giggling.
Even the turian looked amazed.
She couldn't help it - here was Thane, calm and composed as ever, feared assassin in every corner of the galaxy - and he was covered with ice-cream. It might as well have been sunlight, the way he reacted to it. It oozed down his chest, melted into the crevices of his jacket and coated his head, totally obscuring his dark stripes.
He was even lightly sprinkled.
She couldn't stop herself. She started laughing so hard it made her sides ache. Thane bore this with utter calm, only a slight smile betraying the contagion of her mirth. After a while, she mastered herself and grinned at him. "I like this look for you," she said. "You should wear it more often."
Then her hand, without checking in with her whatsoever, swiped a fingerful of ice cream off his cheek and popped it in her mouth. Her eyes closed in bliss. "Mmm. Mocha."
Opening her eyes, she saw Thane watching her with such intensity it made her heart skip a beat. She couldn't tear her eyes away as his fingers trailed down her cheek, coming away with a generous portion of ice cream. Miming her actions, he slowly put the delicious confection in his mouth.
That's how they discovered drell and milk-based products don't mix.
No question about it, there was something about the composed, enigmatic assassin that put her just a little off-beat. Something about his story, his total openness to her questions and curiosity, bypassed all the armor she'd acquired as 'Commander' and struck true to the part of her that was Shepard. He disarmed her like no one else had managed. What made her secretly pleased was that she had the same effect on him. The stoic mask crumbled when she was near, his voice warming with shyness and delight at her simplest greeting.
He was also more open with her, discussing things long kept a secret burden, something even he mentioned once, and she found herself doing the same. Frustrations, doubts, personal troubles - she found these closely-guarded parts of herself being poured out before him. Always his words were a soothing balm, easing tension she'd never realized burdened her.
However, one secret she did not share with him. One worry, as recurring as the tide, now pushed to the forefront of her thoughts. It was as persistent as it was immutable: Thane was dying.
Before, she'd always managed to push it away. Life was too short to deny what happiness could be found and, unconventional their relationship may be, Thane gave her a peace she'd rarely known. Confidant, adviser, lover - he filled in all the blank spots of her soul. Despite all that happened, despite all their differences, they had figured it out.
And in less than a year it would all be ripped away.
After blowing the Collector base off the galactic map they had managed to forget this detail, losing their senses in one another. Rather than linger on the constant threat of death, they celebrated being alive - now, tomorrow, and in all the days left to them.
Be alive with me tonight.
But death never went far.
She, of all people, should have known that best.
xXxXx
The dream broke when she was reading the dossier information Liara had mentioned. The data offered little use to her now, but she'd taken a look anyway, figuring there was nothing she could see that would change her dedication to her team. Long ago, she'd learned to never turn down valuable information.
What she found was evidence of a different kind of Reaper.
Siha,
I write this with a heavy hand...
Shepard stared at the screen for a long time, even through vision so blurred the world had turned to a mass of formless colors. The words hadn't left, though; they were seared into her mind, visible even when she closed her eyes.
I am dying, Siha.
A pain sharper than any blade sliced through her chest, startling her lungs into work, drawing in air for the first time in minutes with a slight gasp.
"Shepard?" Liara's voice, usually a welcome sound, grated on Shepard's skin like an iron file. "Are you okay?"
She quickly closed out the dossier information and turned away. The airlock wasn't far - she could retreat quickly, avoiding Liara's scrutiny. "I'm fine. I just got an urgent message from Hackett about a batarian outpost. I have to go." With her customary brisk stride, she headed for the airlock, wanting nothing more than to get out of that damn room.
If Liara said anything else, Shepard missed it entirely. She couldn't stop going over that letter, her mind cruelly replaying it in Thane's voice. By now she knew the intricacies of his voice well enough to fill in all the details - the dip in his voice at the mention of Irikah, the fond warmth as he praised her.
You awoke me, Shepard.
Her heart clenched painfully, making her stumble. Pressing one hand against the wall, the other rubbing at her chest, she watched with distant fascination as tears pattered on the floor at her feet. She could barely remember the last time she'd cried. The memory felt distant, like it had happened in another life.
Which, come to think of it, it had.
Shaking away the dim memories of an old regret, Shepard strode into the airlock. The rush of equalizing air pressure buffeted her and for once, she was grateful for it. The gust did what she couldn't, momentarily erasing the tears slowly sliding down her cheeks.
She walked quickly, focused simply on getting to her cabin where her shame could not be witnessed. Kelly's cheerful voice didn't even register as she swept past into the elevator.
"Commander's Cabin," she said, and the lift began to move. For a moment, she didn't recognize the reflection in the elevator doors. Fear haunted the stranger's eyes; desperation deepened the hollows of her face. She looked vulnerable, ragged. Like she was about to break.
Shepard looked away.
When the doors opened on the top level, she stepped into her cabin and just stopped.
Her only thought had been to get to her quarters. Now she didn't know what to do. The tears were there still, starting to slowly creep down her cheeks. It felt hard to breathe.
She still felt curiously calm. Others had called her stoic before and it fit her well enough. It wasn't a personal choice, just a professional one. Morale could make or break an army and nothing hurts morale worse than a commanding officer losing all composure. Shepard knew her emotional control was incredible; she'd held strong in situations that would make admirals wither, hadn't let an eyelash quiver at the bodies of slaughtered innocents.
But as her hands began to tremble, she knew this battle had already been lost. It was just a matter of time until her control buckled. Sorrow had caught up to her at last.
Every heartbeat throbbed with a pain she'd never felt before, didn't know how to combat. That confused her: As a soldier, she was on familiar terms with pain, had learned how to conquer it long ago. Pain was an old comrade, annoying but familiar, sometimes even useful.
But not this time. This pain coiled around her heart and tightened with every beat, squeezing until something had to burst. The pressure was unbearable, threatening to shred her apart when it all just... let go...
I love you. If all else whispers back into the tide, know this for fact.
The sudden voice - unmistakably Thane's - made her jump, eyes darting over her shoulder. Her heart pounded in her ears, quickened by joy and a sudden, inexplicable terror.
No one was there.
Just her mind playing tricks on her.
Shepard took two steps into her room and stopped as her eyes fell on her bed, sheets folded with military precision. A lot of memories, there. Many nights had been spent here with Thane, often with an ear pressed to his chest and smiling contentedly as he recited poetry for her. How she never wanted those nights to end...
I will await you across the sea.
A harsh sob barked from her lips and she clapped one hand against her mouth, startled by the sound. The room swayed and she leaned on the partition wall by her terminal and models. Numbly, she wiped her hand across her cheek and stared as it came away glistening with tears. Would they ever end?
The iron dam of her control began to break, threatening to take her along with it.
Self-mastery was everything to Shepard - in a way, she and Thane weren't all that different. Absolute control of her body made her a fearsome killing machine in battle. Control of her team made them efficient and deadly, stronger by tenfold together than they would be alone. Control shaped her, molded her, defined who she'd become. Nobody saw any part of her that she didn't want them to see.
Absolute mastery. Absolute control. That was her strength.
And now it was gone.
Thane's inevitable death had long been a knife in her back, an open wound she couldn't touch. And now the infection had caught up to her. Just as well, she supposed - a wound must bleed before it can heal.
But God, it hurt.
Slowly, she slid down the wall and fell to her knees, silent sobs wracking her body as that one line echoed over and over in her mind. The dam had broken, unleashing a tumult of grief, anger, and bitter fear.
It all seemed horribly broken, this relationship, this love. They were two people moving in opposite directions: She was coming back from death and he was going toward it. It was like their love had never been intended, a freak accident that fate had not accounted for.
But... she hadn't meant for it to happen. You can't choose who you fall in love with. All the races of the galaxy agreed on at least that one thing, so it had to be true.
Right?
I will await you across the sea.
Her fist slammed against the wall and something cracked.
Goddammit it wasn't fair! All this fighting, all this senseless death and sacrifice - what was it all for? What was the point if she couldn't save the one person she loved most? What did I do to deserve this!?
She didn't realize she been shouting until EDI's avatar sprang to life.
"Commander, I detected elevated stress patterns in your voice. Do you require assistance?"
Shepard panted for breath, curled over on her knees and fingernails digging against the throbbing in her skull. Tears soaked the thin carpet. A thousand responses screamed through her mind as the silence in the cabin grew heavy.
"Logging you out, Shepard."
She barely noticed EDI withdrawing. That letter kept playing over and over in her head, echoes clashing and twisting until it just became Thane's voice repeating, "I love you."
Then a thought clawed its way to the surface and struck at her sense of justice.
It isn't fair, dammit, but he could be happy after... after. He deserves all that I can give, doesn't he? He deserves to be happy. What about Irikah? Would I deny him that happiness of finally reuniting with her, make him wait for me? Would I make him choose between his wife or me, who he's only known for a few months?
"No," she whispered. "No, that isn't right. There's someone waiting for him already. Why should I take that away?"
It didn't matter that she'd never been a religious type - death changes your perspective on things.
Death changes everything.
She couldn't remember anything about her death but sometimes her dreams were strangely vivid.
Stars. Drifting in an ocean of stars...
Having a Catholic mother growing up had influenced Shepard in a subtle way. While not a church-going, bible-thumping practitioner, a deep current of quiet faith ran through her. It was almost impossible not to believe, after the things she'd been through. The thought of her selfishness poisoning another's just reward left a bitter taste in her mouth.
She wouldn't let that happen.
Dragging in deep, ragged breaths, Shepard fought for control. Her mind raced, seeking out answers to fix this horrible injustice. It was reflex and she knew it but it felt comfortable, familiar; she was forever solving the countless wrongs that crossed her path.
She could fix this.
If only the tears would stop, she could fix this.
xXxXx
When Shepard stepped out of the bathroom a few minutes later, face washed and raw, she found Thane waiting for her. She hadn't heard him enter - but then, she never expected to.
She stared at him as he stepped forward to touched her tear-scarred cheek, trying to imprint every facet of him indelibly in her mind. God, he was incredible, to hell what purists said. Her eyes roamed over him, lingering on the exotic black lining his eyes and getting lost in the hint of glittering emerald green irises. His lips were moving and she recognized the low rumble that always made her weak at the knees but his words were lost on her. The only thing that registered was that twisting pain around her heart and overwhelming relief that he was alive.
Still here.
Still hers.
After a while, she realized he was expecting an answer. His words hadn't made sense yet but he looked worried.
Without thinking, she stepped forward and hugged him, holding him tightly as she buried her face in the sweet spot at the base of his neck and shoulder. For a split second he stiffened against her, then relaxed and returned the embrace. A long life of isolation made physical contact a strange new item to him. In respect of this, she did her best to instigate touch carefully as he gradually became more comfortable with it. This time, however, she couldn't stop herself. She needed to feel him against her, needed to hold onto him, needed to breathe in the exotic spicy scent of him.
She could feel his heart beating and - inexplicably - it made hers break.
The life-giving rhythm and his soothing hum began to calm her down. With Thane in her arms, the looming specter of his death seemed distant. The scattered remnants of her composure rallied together. The trembling in her hands slowly tapered off as her resolve hardened. Gradually, the world started to make sense again, her tangled, warring thoughts smoothing out as though eased into place by the gentle hand stroking her hair.
She had to do this. Now, while she still had the time and strength to see it through. Thane always made her feel stronger, his presence itself lending her a confidence only she knew had been absent before. It was just another cruel, sick joke that she had to use that very strength to drive them apart.
Her heart squeezed painfully at the thought and she drew back from him enough to see his face. Worry weighed down his brow, casting shadows over his dark eyes. His lips parted in surprise and his thumb wiped across her cheek. The tears had come back. Thane's expression went from astonishment to concern - alarm, even - in an instant.
"What's wrong? What happened?" he demanded. "Are you hur-"
She stopped him with a kiss.
They had practiced kissing a great deal for some time now but this one felt different. It was soft, almost timid, the way they came together, like new lovers taking first, uncertain steps together. The passion grew as the kiss slowly deepened until all she knew was the exotic taste of him, the euphoric rush his intimate address always gave her. It felt like their first kiss, what seemed a lifetime ago. It felt like saying hello.
Or goodbye.
When they parted they were both short of breath. Thane's eyes were barely open as he drew in quick, soft breathes through parted lips. Shepard gave him one more soft kiss, like a signature, then pressed her brow against his. Already she was repeating it over in her mind to keep it there forever. It would be their last one, after all.
"I love you," she whispered.
Thane had always been quiet in terms of facial expression, but when he smiled - really smiled - he practically glowed. It was a rare sight, one she counted as her greatest achievement and treasure. She drank this one in hungrily, trying to fix every detail in her memory.
"And I love you," he purred. Literally purred - she could feel a deep resonance in his chest, a part of his voice that shot far below her hearing. A hand came up to caress her face, stroking away tears she didn't bother to check. "What troubles you, siha?"
"I-" Her throat closed, choking out her voice. This newest betrayal of her body left her staring at him helplessly. Finally, she spoke in a small voice. "It really sucks having to make big decisions, you know?"
He nodded, a small smile playing at his lips. "And yet there's no one I would trust to make such decisions than you, siha. You always make the best decision in the worst plights."
His words stabbed her like a knife, twisting in her heart. Oh God, the irony! She shuddered and his concern swiftly returned.
"Are you sick, Shepard? You keep shivering."
"No, I'm fine. It's just-" Her voice broke and when she put it back together she didn't recognize it. "It's been a really bad day."
Thane nodded then suddenly stepped away from her and led her over to her bed. Gently seating her at the foot of her bed, he sat down next to her, eyes attentive on her as their hands twined together. "Tell me of your day, siha. Perhaps I can unburden you."
A watery laugh escaped her, sending a few more tears running down her face which he gently wiped away. Taking his face in her hands she lightly ran her palms down his red cheeks, fingers tracing the face she loved.
"Oh God, Thane, I don't know how it happened. I never expected love, you know that? It just wasn't in the game plan. It was like another item on a list of stuff to do. Go to this planet, thwart that plan, save the galaxy, retire with a chest full of medals. Then fall in love."
Her fluttering smile worried him and she knew how horrible it must look. Gripping his hands tightly, she lifted them to place a kiss on each finger. "You turned it all around. I never realized how much I was missing until I found you. There's this quote someone wrote down a long time ago, I don't know where from. It's something like, 'When I first saw you, my soul said, 'Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you.' I always thought that sounded ridiculous, you know? Something teenagers sigh about. Then it happened to me."
Absently, she traced one of the dark lines on his face, feeling strangely calm now that the moment was at hand. "I think I first started loving you when you bowed to EDI that first day on the ship. Isn't that funny? I started noticing things I'd missed before. How beautiful the nebula really are, how good food tasted. Music changed, like I'd never heard a note before. After Cerberus put me back together, I didn't even care about those things anymore. I'd shut out everything, just focused on duty. It was easier to keep going that way, day after day; easier to be a machine than a person. I only thought about the next mission, the latest reports. Anything else just... didn't seem to matter as much anymore. And then you changed all that."
Her voice grew hushed as secrets whispered out of her soul. Something flickered deep in Thane's eyes, something new and heart-breaking. She focused on his hands, held so tightly in her own. It terrified her to realize she'd eventually have to let him go.
"You've given me the greatest happiness of my life, Thane. But there's a war coming and I can't shake this feeling that it's going to kill me."
Thane opened his mouth, brows already coming down in protest, but her fingertips stopped his lips. "Shh, I know. It's strange to say it but every day that passes, I have to admit, it doesn't seem like such a bad way to go. This, all this, it's wearing me out, Thane. One person wasn't meant to do all things I've done. All the things I have to do still."
She shrugged helplessly. "I'm burning up, Thane. You gave me this one moment of brightness in my life and I will always treasure it. I know it doesn't seem fair-" Her voice broke again and his hands tightened on hers. Once again she pressed her lips to his hands, trying to convey a depth words just couldn't find.
"I know it doesn't seem fair," she said, voice rough. "That we found each other with such little time left for both of us. But I don't regret it my love, not one bit. I'm just thankful I could have this before the end. You gave me a purpose to keep fighting. You made me realize the wonders in life."
His face blurred in her vision but she knew it so well she didn't have to see. She lovingly caressed his face as she had done that first night together.
"Thank you, Thane, for waking me up."
Earlier, she'd silently promised that their previous kiss would be their last. Too much pleasure from him and she knew her vow would crumble. So no more romance. No more long nights together under the stars. No more poems so she could listen to that amazing voice. No more touching, or caressing, or snuggling up after a hard day. Definitely no more kissing.
Thane, however, had made no such vow.
For the second time that night, she was swept up in the kind of kiss that inspires songs and saccharine poetry. His lips pressed against hers with desperate, hungry need, as if this would be their one last kiss before dying. She didn't try to stop him - indeed, the thought to do so shorted out halfway through forming as he deepened the kiss and a wave of crystalline music washed over her.
Auditory hallucination - a rarer side-effect and one she loved the most. The murmur of the fish tank became a soft choir. Thane's heartbeat turned into gentle rolls of percussive thunder. The pervasive hum of the FTL drive became the long, hushed tones of strings.
The music began to quicken as the kiss drew out, a familiar prelude to a more passionate engagement. Every movement of their bodies added to the rising song in her mind, keyed to the caresses and movements of her lover. Flutes trilled as a hand traced down her spine, sending fire through her veins. Trumpets rang out in clarion peals as his fingers momentarily flicked across the skin of her waist.
It was too much - every soft movement of his lips was like an orbital strike on her will. If she didn't stop him now, her tenuous control would crumble and she'd think of nothing more than to make all kinds of music with him.
Pressing her hands against his chest, she gently pushed against him until he pulled away slightly. They stayed that way for a moment, faces almost touching, warm breath fluttering on each others cheek as they tried to catch their breath. Shepard tried to get her thoughts in order but the music kept distracting her.
After a while, Thane drew her against him, gently tucking her head under his chin. The low, buzzing hum from earlier once more reverberated somewhere deep in his chest, coiling through her entire body until it felt like every fiber of her resonated with it. It was one of the simplest, purest forms of communication drell were capable of, their vocal ranges far greater than any known species. Drell tonal inflections were like human body language, adding a layer of non-verbalized meaning to a conversation that could convey a range of emotion, from anger to fear to joy.
This one meant none of those. This one he used just for her.
"I love you too," she whispered.
The buzz intensified, the actual sound far too low for her to hear. She loved it when he did this and took her time to savor her last time feeling it completely enfold her.
"Thane, I want you to promise me something," she said after several minutes.
"Anything, my love." His voice had a dreamy, echoing quality to it from the subsonic hum. If it were possible, she thought it made him sound even sexier - a fact her hormones stridently demanded she pay attention to. Instead, she clubbed her hormones into obedience and took a deep breath.
If given the choice of continuing or performing open heart surgery on herself, she would have gone for the scalpel. No hesitation, no anesthetic. It would be far less painful and at least she'd actually see that her heart wasn't being crushed.
"When you..." her voice broke and she closed her eyes. God, I don't want to do this. "When you leave this life... when you wake up on the seashore... promise me that when Irikah finds you there, you won't spend another second thinking about me."
The hum stopped.
"Siha..."
She pushed away enough to see his shocked eyes, stopping his words with gentle fingertips pressed to his lips. "I've had time to think about this, Thane. Humans take a vow when we marry and part of it is 'til death do us part.' That never really seemed fair to me, though. I think it's possible to love more than one person. But be in love? That happens only once. I know how much Irikah has done for you, what she means to you, and I'd be the worst kind of person to stand in the way that."
Smiling, she stroked his face, tracing the lines and patterns she'd come to memorize and love. "Actually, I've been horribly selfish and insensitive to put you in this situation. I didn't mean to do it, Thane. But it's true what they say - you can't chose who you fall in love with."
Thane, ever quiet, ever stoic, did nothing but wipe a tear from her face. This time she didn't bother to stop them. This time she knew - after tonight, they would never stop.
"I'm so sorry for doing this to you, Thane. I always think ahead, I always consider the consequences of my actions, but this one time I didn't. I didn't and now it's going to hurt the person I love most. But at least I can fix it before it's too late. So I want you to promise me that you'll be happy with her; that you'll forget all about me."
"That's impossible, siha." His voice was rough. "Even if I could, nothing could erase you from my thoughts. Not even death." One hand cupped her face and her own hand covered his on instinct. "But I cannot make this promise, love."
Unbidden, she gripped his hand tightly. "Thane, please. For my peace of mind. Your whole life has been nothing but sacrifice. When you get down to it, the Compact is the sacrifice of a few for the betterment of all your people - and you were one of that number. Your life was shaped beyond your will. Your family was destroyed by enemies your employer made. There is someone waiting for you at the shore, Thane." She kissed his hand gently. "Don't betray that. I want you to be happy. If nothing else, let me know that you'll be happy on the other side."
Scales, silky and deceptively warm, soothed across her skin as he cupped her face in both hands. "You are incredible, Shepard." His voice was soft, soothing. "Ever you put the welfare of others before your own. If Arashu deemed one siha enough for the galaxy, I've no doubt that you are the one, and more than fit for the task."
The warmth of his touch shifted, tipping her chin up for their eyes to meet. "But you misunderstand. I cannot make this promise because it is not mine to make."
Confusion furrowed her brow. A lump in her throat was choking her, blocking all the questions and rationalizations trying to get out. Probably just as well - the heart knew when to keep quiet when the mind wanted to scream. She listened to her body's wisdom.
"Thane?"
"Irikah was not a jealous woman, siha. But she opened my eyes to what it meant to take responsibility for my actions. Once she was taken from me, I lost that wisdom. I fell back into my battle sleep. She left our family in my trust and I abandoned it. I thought only of myself and my own revenge, killing slowly, wantonly. When I came back, my son was estranged from me, slipping into the same darkness that had claimed me. I betrayed her, siha. I betrayed all she gave me."
He shook his head, shame and sorrow making him look old for the first time in her eyes.
"I feel it in my heart but more than that I know it in my soul: Irikah would not forgive me. Nor would I want her to. Some things are not for others to forgive, but for one to atone for. Even if Irikah were to pardon me, I would not deserve it and we would both know it."
He stopped Shepard's protests the same way she had silenced him, with a light touch to her lips. "It is true, siha. Irikah would not have me back and I would not blame her. Forgiveness is cheap when it has lost its meaning and by that point it is not worth giving. Humans have a saying, 'your money's no good when your coffin lid is on.' The same is true with mercy after death. Forgiveness is for the living. It enables us to overcome our guilt so we may excel where before we failed. There is no forgiveness after death - only judgement. I've atoned all I can but nothing I can do would remove the stain I earned when I betrayed my family.
"So you see, my love, I cannot make this promise. I am happy already because of you and I will be after my body's death. It will be good to see her again but what we had, I willfully lost. Humans believe in punishment or reward after death, determined by the actions made in life. Irikah's loss is my punishment and I will not object. I have bought it, paid for it in blood."
He smiled, a small and strained thing but it coaxed a matching one from her - it always did. "You, my love - you are my reward. I am humbled that you would think so much upon our fate in the next life. That you would sacrifice your love for my happiness has shamed me. But I will not let you go. I will be awaiting you, love. Nothing will change that."
New tears drew silvery paths down her face at his words, but these tasted sweeter. The crushing pain around her heart had loosened, making it feel like her chest was full of air instead of lead.
"Is there anything I can say to convince you?" she said.
"Nothing," he assured. "Nothing in existence could change my mind."
A smile, a real one, fluttered at her lips, one that he answered. With a sigh of pure contentment, she slipped back into his embrace. It felt wonderfully good, like finally coming home from war.
"Does it make me an evil person to be grateful about this?" she murmured after a long time.
A kiss on her hair - she fancied she could feel his smile. "Of course not."
"Good." Her voice came out strained and child-like, but she didn't care. "Because I want you to promise me something else. Promise me that you won't leave. That you'll never leave me. Okay?"
"Of course, siha." He smiled, rested his cheek on her hair and closed his eyes. "I will always be with you."
xXxXx
Over time, many philosophers have come to describe love as a force of nature. Like time, gravity and the expanding void between stars, it is known but little understood. Like an iceberg, a small part of it can be seen from the outside but complex and intricate designs are hidden far below. Like dreams, it could be witnessed and experienced by all but it could not be measured or anticipated.
It defied logic. It defied reason. It defied every natural law, especially one in particular.
Though the races of the galaxy had many points of contention, they all agreed on at least one thing:
Love is greater than death.
It always has been.
