Janice Rand
Life was slowly returning to normal, or so it would seem. If you could count the Captains dazed form as he nodded off in his chair, or my duty avoidance next to the sunken look in my cheeks that were becoming more apparent each day, then yes, life was returning to normal. On the outside, you could say Jim Kirk was simply having a bad day and spent the whole night at his desk surrounded by PADDs, or that I was still physically recovering. But the truth was, life wasn't really moving forward, it had halted ever since the 'incident'.
Starfleet may have given me permission to stay on board for my slow recovery under its Doctors, and they might have let Jim get away with it completely under the circumstances, but none of us could take comfort in these facts.
Although I'd loved serving on board the ship, I wanted to be able to see the good memories over the bad ones when I walked down a corridor, or into my quarters. I wanted to be able to look up into his eyes without fear; to feel the things I'd felt for him before. To feel his warm hands enclose around mine, to feel his cool breath on my skin a he kissed my forehead good night, to simply gaze into his gorged emerald brown eyes as we exchanged silent words. But none of that would happen now.
Taking the last swig of alcohol from a bottle I'd found long lost in the back of one of my storage cupboards, I curled up on the sheets of my bed, and fell into a deep slumber.
Weightlessness, touching nothing, nothing to touch; I was floating in a black abyss; an ocean of rolling stars and dust clouds revolving around the warmth of my body, making up my own universe in this diverse dreamscape; my eyes reaching out to touch the very fabric of space and time. Curling up in a ball as I smiled sweetly to myself; in here, I was completely safe, alone, and at peace with myself.
My lips gaped open; my arms reaching up in desperation as suddenly I was pulled from the sanctuary I was growing accustom to, and was falling into nothingness.
Waking up abruptly, I rubbed my sore forehead just after I'd whacked it against something. Peering up, I found it was the door to the quarters of the very man I'd been trying to avoid.
"Janice!" A surprised, exhaustion driven Captain answered to the bang he heard on his cabins door.
"Captain!" I must have slept walked to his room automatically "S-Sorry to have bothered you…"
I tried to flee, but he'd caught my wrist just before it was out of reach.
"Janice…" He stared at me; the look in his eyes sincere. He wanted to say something, needed desperately to utter even but one word, but didn't know which one to choose.
I pulled myself away, our eyes still attached, his gaze still attracted to mine, even after I began to run down the corridors to my quarters.
Only when I finally reached the end of the journey, I noticed how fast my heart was beating; faster than a Vulcan Sehlat. Slumping over the bathroom sink, the need to feel clean overwhelmed my senses.
It started with my teeth; brushing feverishly his disgusting tongue away from what little sanity remained in me. My hair was next, subdued to his powerful fists as he held me in place. I pulled the pins out, undoing a style that'd taken over half an hour to complete, but at least now I was free from his grasp. Black mascara would have been running down my cheeks, if only I'd bothered to apply it this morning. I scrubbed my arms and torso until my skin turned red. The hot water from the sonic shower slithering down my back as soap suds dozily trailed down my legs.
The obsessive cleaning didn't stop there at the shower, as I found the disease had contaminated the bathroom, and the rest of my quarters. But even after I had wiped every surface twice and scrubbed off even the tiniest spot, I still felt dirty, vile even. And my sanctuary wasn't about to appear any time soon, so long as my mind was stuck in it's own sober blood.
Stretching out on my bed, I let the empty bottle of alcohol drop dead on the floor. Gaining a crack in its surface as it rolled over to join the rest that were building in a pile in the corner of the room.
What had led me to this excessive drinking was something only emotions could describe. It was quite hypocritical really, drinking when that's what he did as he stared at me with lust filled eyes. Trying to wipe away a dry tear, I forced myself to go to sleep, in hope that this time, the doors would stayed locked, and my dreams would remain without gravity. Finally, the sanctuary was back.
James T. Kirk
"Come in" I let my hand drop from where it was pressed tightly to the muscles of my neck. The visitor took a step forward, revealing himself.
My quarters always did seem a little smaller and more homely when another was occupying it. 'Especially when it was her doing the occupying… no, mustn't think of that' I instantly pushed the thought a side as soon as it popped into my mind. 'What am I thinking?'
"Is there something I can do for you Captain?" My pointed eared first officer walked through the door which closed silently behind him.
I recognized those words as if I were the one speaking them; they were the same words she'd asked just before that happened, before I'd become a sinner, a serpent of the dark. It should have been me with the pointed ears, not Spock. I was the one that'd sent my personal Yeoman on a journey of depression and despair, and I was making the crew pay the price for that by neglecting my duties as their Captain.
"Jim?" The Vulcan asked when his friend's lips stayed as silent as they had been all week.
"Sorry" I finally replied, my fingers finding the tense muscles of my neck automatically again "What can I do for you?"
"I came to see if there was anything I could do for you Captain" Spock furrowed a curious eyebrow.
"Like what?" I questioned back. There was little he could do for me; there was little any one could do for me; unless they knew how to take back the past so it never happened in the first place. Philosophers always argued it was better to not take back the mistake, but to learn from it; I never really doubted their 'wise' words, up until now. This was one thing that didn't apply to that philosophy.
"Well… thought I should check up on you" Spock folded his hands behind his back, by the look in his eyes and the gap between his lips, I could tell he was not going to leave without a justified answer; something I wasn't willing to give up that easily.
"I checked the banks Jim" He continued when I stayed silent "You haven't eaten in days, nor have you slept by the look of strain in your muscles when you walk"
I kept my words to myself, something I could tell Spock was not appreciating.
"Captain, unless by some means that I am unaware of, that you are actually a Vulcan or some other species that can go without basic provisions for days at a time, I must ask you to accompany me to sickbay" He turned his back to me and walked to the door. He stood in its open entrance waiting for me, but I had no intention of going anywhere but the bridge of my ship to make brief appearances before returning back to my cabin.
"Jim" He waited; I stayed in my place "Must I call security?"
"That won't be necessary" I walked over to him and moved his hand away from the consol.
"One way or another, you are unwell" He stated, moving slightly forward so the doors closed "And you will accompany me to sickbay"
"I'm not going any where" I firmly stated.
"Then perhaps, if you will not go to the Doctor, I will bring the Doctor to you" The doors opened as once again his back was turned to me.
"Wait" My voice halted him "Please… stay"
The doors closed "Jim, at the very least; eat something" He stared at me; his eyes filled with plead.
"…Alright" I agreed, seeming that no matter what; he wouldn't let the issue drop and let me walk away free.
Janice Rand
Lazily my eyes awoke from the darkness that had encased them. The world was so bright, but my eyes were still dark. I thought about what happened, could see it in my mind, could feel it in my heart, but the two wouldn't connect and so my eyes couldn't express it. I couldn't cry any more, the tears wouldn't come. Smuggling another bottle from one of the recreational rooms, I steadily held it to my lips and drank; accidentally pouring a heap of it onto myself as I finished the last gulp. Carelessly I chucked the empty container down one of the emergency hatches, knowing for well it was only meant to be used for things that were about to explode.
I felt like I was in an emergency, not knowing whether or not the red wire or the blue wire would set off the bomb first. I wished that whenever I dared to look in the mirror, I wouldn't be afraid of the face peering back at me; what facts my reflection held and secrets it shared. As if I were a person watching their on life taking place before their eyes; reading about it in a story. But they were just words on a page, an image on a screen; there was no real meaning behind it; just a gathering of light that'd been put together to make sense of something that wasn't really there.
The hall was empty, dark; a computer simulation of Earth at three in the morning. It didn't matter; whether it was one in the after noon, ten in the morning, or two at night, the parasite of restlessness never left my neck, and the only vaccine against it was alcohol. In a temporary pool of numb flesh and black bags that hung low under my eyes, I was calm, quite; at peace with myself, if only for just a few minutes of this horrid day that would just not end.
"Janice" Some ones fingers were tracing up my back.
"No…" I inched away, immediately coming to the conclusion Jim had followed me. But when I finally took the palm of my hand away from my tired eyes, I saw it was not the Captain, but the Doctor.
"It's alright" He tried to calm me down "I'm not going to hurt you" His lips twitched, his eyes glazing over as he analysed my drunken form. I knew I looked awful for starters; as if I'd just come from a black lake, filled with piranha and Ceti eels.
Despite my wanting to be in complete solitude for the next hundred years, I knew he wouldn't hurt me; he had the hands of a healer, not a massacres. But even so, his touch unsettled me. Maybe it was just the poison running in my system, maybe it was just because I was so tired, but what ever the reason, my hands were concealing my eyes in darkness again as I lent against a bulkhead beside me.
"Janice, are you ok?" He lent down slightly to try to get a glimpse of my face.
"Do I look ok to you?" I snapped, eyes glaring into his "Sorry" I pressed my forehead against the cold wall, hoping it would make me feel better, but it didn't, and I doubted it ever would.
"Why don't we go to sickbay…?" He suggested, but I gave him a sharp look in my eyes that told him there was no way I was going back there. "All right" He straightened his back "At least let me walk you to your quarters"
I gave a nod and tried to stand straight, almost falling over and would have if it were not for his strong support.
"You know, I remember a time like this once…" He held me steadily; I flinched at first, but eventually sank into his bodies' warmth and found it more comforting than the wall. "During my academy days; I was completely intoxicated, exhausted, and looking forward to just making it back to my room"
"What happened?" I could never imagine him being drunk.
"I was ambushed by my class mates and fellow pranksters" He laughed to himself as he pictured the old memory stored within him "By the time I reached my destination, I was stark naked, had eggs smothered through my hair, cream all over the rest of me, and worst of all, my ex-wife was waiting outside my door, cursing me when she saw the state I was in. Saying 'This is why I left you'"
"I hope no one would ever do that to me" I almost laughed at the image.
"Unless you have some ex-wife stashed away in some compartment, you have nothing to worry about Janice" He smiled at me.
I wanted to smile back, but when my name rolled off his tongue, for some reason it just upset me, and whatever little chunk of happiness that had been building up, had crumbled into dust. We finally reached my quarters, a journey that had taken for ever.
"Well…" I tried to start a conversation out of the awkward aura that had encased us "Good night Doctor" I quickly fled to them before he could say anymore. The doors concealing my form as I slumped to the carpet, and didn't even bother trying to get up to the bed, as I curled up into a foetal position and finally fell asleep in my own dry tears.
Leonard McCoy
I wasn't surprised that she hadn't asked me what I was doing up at this late hour in the morning wandering the corridors. The truth was; I was almost just as restless as she. My thoughts were becoming obsessed with her and this solved case, or what we thought had been solved.
Jim wasn't guilty, his evil half was, and I knew that, but though I knew it was best to stick to the Vulcan way and look at it logically and disassociate the two, I just couldn't. I couldn't control the anger that was raging like a naked flame in my chest, burning up in my lungs and escaping through flaring nostrils.
But even though my eyebrows were flared in frustration, and my knuckles were turning white, the thought of her smile that briefly lasted for only a part of a second, made the anger in me instantly flush out. But thinking of her also made me even more wrathful.
How could any one do such a thing to another person, let alone James T. Kirk. The guilty party would never face innocence again, at least while I was around, and from within my own mind anyway.
Some things were better left unsaid, but I wanted to tell Jim the violent thoughts that were prying in my mind, wanted to not just tell him, but make him feel the things I felt, what Janice felt.
Becoming sick of my own careless thoughts, I peered up at the ships chronometer that was stuck to the upper wall; it read 0435 hours. Grumbling to myself, I grabbed a sedative from one of the shelves and headed to my quarters, in hopes I'd be able to get at least an hours worth of solid sleep, but knowing my luck I'd be lucky to get even half of that.
When I awoke, nothing had changed. Except the dark rings under my eyes may have receded a little, or perhaps it was just my tired vision playing tricks on me. Either way, the grey ceiling above was still the same, the dirty pile of laundry was still sitting in the corner of the room, and blood was still spilling out from my brain.
The sedative may have forced me to sleep, but my body was as tired as ever, swimming through the ship with no air to keep it going as I crawled all the way back to sickbay; empty hypo spray in hand.
Instantly flopping to my desk when I reached it, I buried my face in my cold hands and didn't even attempt to peer at the pile of PADD's that had grown immensely since yesterday.
"Bones?" Only one person on the ship called me that. Said person soon had his hands on my shoulders and appeared to be trying to wake me up, even though I was already conscious. "Bones…"
"Sorry Jim" I sat up; rubbing my left temple with the tips of my fingers in a futile attempt to get rid of a head ache. "What were you saying?"
"Are you alright?" The Captain said instead.
"I'm fine" I stood "Just tired" I could feel the anger building up in the back of my throat. I had to bite the side of my cheek to keep harsh words from rolling off my tongue.
Kirk gave a grim smile that I supposed was there to make me feel better, how ever it only made the need to bite my cheeks more intense. When I rested my face in the palms of my hands, my lips becoming silent, Kirks subtle smile faded "Bones…"
When no reply came, I guess he figured I'd fallen asleep as I sometimes did when trying to get though a massive pile of work, and so soon his back was facing mine and he'd left the room. However, as soon as the door had slid to a close, I looked up from my post and stared at the empty space where my Captain had just been. Asking my self why I didn't respond to my name, and why I hadn't gotten back to work yet. When I couldn't come up with a good enough answer, I placed my cheeks in the palms of my hands once more, and eventually fell asleep for real.
