It's the hunger pains baby that make me go crazy
-*So yeah, yeah, I know this guy that knows this guy and guess what? They're both the same guy*-
"Sit down America!"
"No. Why don't you sit down? This is my country and I'm talking, so listen to my awesome plan on how I'm going to save the world once again."
England picked up his folder and threw it at me but I subtly dodged it with all the skill that I have. Which is lots. Let me tell you.
"Missed Iggy," I teased and stuck my tongue out, to which France snickered.
"You're aim is deplorable mon Angleterre, it must be old age, non?"
"Go crawl back into whatever rose-covered hole you climbed out of you stinking piece of French meat," England sneered back and I took the moment to pick his folder up off the ground and throw it back.
My aim was much better, I'll have you know.
"America," England roared and I ducked behind Japan, not hiding because heroes don't do that, but just wanting to be close to my awesome friend. Who was awesome.
And always backed up my plans for giant killer robots to clean up the world's pollution problem. And yes, they did need to be killer robots. Cause it just wouldn't be as cool if they weren't, you know?
"Get off me, stupid Spain," the loud, red-faced (hey, just like a tomato) guy shouted and kicked Spain in the face.
"Eh, Romano, why? Don't you love your boss?"
"NO," Romano yelled, folding his arms and turning away as his face went even redder. Spain pouted, tears in the corner of his eyes and obviously holding himself back from holding onto red-tomato-faced guy. I think he was one of the Italies.
I was like 95% certain, and heroes are so amazing that they can go on that amount.
"Ne, ne, Doitsu, can we get some pasta, I really want some past," that other little Italy guy said, the one who was always half-wrapped around Germany, always calling him that weird name and never opening his eyes. Actually, it was pretty freaky. Who knew what he was hiding behind those killer eyes.
Wait! Ah! Italy was actually evil and planning to take over the whole world.
So I threw another random folder (where did they all come from?) at Italy, because I had to save everyone.
"I know what you have planned Italy-guy-who-never-opens-his-eyes! You're planning to take over the world with your pasta and bury us under your evil over-lord pasta that will make us bow down before them and serve them all the tomatoes they want."
Someone screeched "my panda folder," and I shivered when I heard Russia's Commie "da, that is no good, is it now? Ve must go to my room and console eachover. You agree, da?"
Germany's insane reflexes saved Italy however, and he snapped. As he did every meeting.
"Everyone sit down now and let America finish his speech, because he has ten minutes left and then it will be question time, with which you will all refrain from stupid questions that I'm positive you will be able to contain if you want to live and then we will desist for lunch. Do you all understand me?"
The exclamation marks weren't even needed in my head, because Germany was so loud he blew them away. Honestly, he even overpowered me, (volume wise, not in any other way) and I was the hero so that was obviously wrong, you know?
"Your breasts belong to Korea Da~ze," interrupted a high-pitched voice and I peeked over Japans shoulder to see Korea trying to grope Australia. Australia just cocked his head and watched with an amused smile as his killer Koala glared and pounced.
"Better be careful mate, she bites."
I saw that evil little polar bear smile too, it's fangs almost dripping with blood and my cute, little Mattie was none the wiser to the monster he held in his delicate arms. Whoa, wait, I could see him.
Awesome. That didn't happen often, so I waved at him and he waved back shyly, smiling. Switzerland, the crazy gun-wielding guy narrowed his eyes at me and then my brother. Taking a moment to actually focus on his wispery appearance.
Yeah, whatever. Canada was awesome like that, like a ninja. He'd just go boom! Sneak up on you, and you'd be dead. Or like a ghost. Not that my brother was a ghost. Because ghosts weren't – they weren't real okay?
"Gah! This did not originate in Korea. Definitely not Da~ze," and Korea started rolling on the ground.
Now, obviously this was a time for my super-awesome-secret-just-made-up-on-the-spot plan to kick off.
"Okay. Back to my plan," I jumped up, ruffling Japan's hair, despite his cry of displeasure.
His cry.
Japan screaming. His people burning. Two whole cities wiped out. All because of me.
I stumbled, grasping at my head, because it was splitting beneath my skull, tearing itself apart as the memory came clawing out from the dark confines.
I'd felt them all die, every single goddamned one. The feeling of sea water rising up to my chin/their chin and then it was in our lungs and we were drowning and we couldn't get out of this metal death trap and we/I was going to die and nononono, I wanted it to stop, needed it to stop.
Why? Why would Japan do this? Why would Kiku do this to me? He betrayed me, he attacked me.
I was going to kill him.
It was there, again, that side of me that the Civil War had brought out, the anger, the hate, the all-consuming rage to just tear apart my enemies myself, to just kill, kill, anyone around me and drag their dead corpses to my bed to keep them there. They couldn't leave me, they all left me, but I wanted to be alone. Didn't I?
If I stayed away, if Kiku – Japan, had let me stay away, then I wouldn't have been writhing on the oval table, with my Boss calling my name and his wife crying tears as I screamed out "Stop, stop, Kiku, you're killing them," but he brought me into this war. He turned against our treaty, he backed out on his word, he lied, so I was in this war too now.
But I was/had been, so angry, so even though I'd seen the far-off potential of these 'atom' bombs, I hadn't said no. It was my Boss's decision, but at the same moment, if I refused, if I – as his country – refused, then my President would not go through with it.
Well he could, but there would be a very high-chance that he'd be kicked out of the government. That's if I didn't get to him first. Because you don't ignore your Nation unless you're corrupt. Or Hitler.
But Hitler was just psychotic.
So I'd agreed and waited, and sent off innocent boys – so angry, I could feel their anger, just like I could still feeling the grieving of all those families, and Hawaii's landscape torn up with bullets and bombs she'd never even heard of before.
I'd sent them off to make war, no, I'd been retaliating, but the bombs dropped, not one, but two. And Japan's shirt was drenched with his own blood, his wounds gaping with the flesh rotting and it steamed and I'd leant over him, full of vindictive pleasure at the sight but then I wasn't that America anymore, I wasn't Civil War America, Independence America, WW1 America, WW2 America, but just me, Alfred.
And my hands were around Japan's neck, squeezing tightly even as he cried out and his body shook as Nagasaki stilled burned, as the innocents – because they were innocent, they weren't the ones who started this war, neither had my own people – fled from the cracks in Hiroshima's surface and I screamed with Japan, tears dripping down my cheeks even as Japan died.
Japan died, the blood pooling underneath us. And then I opened his mouth, forced air back into his lungs and made him breathe again.
It was too much, I hadn't expected so much, but at the same time I should've known. I'd wanted him to bleed and feel his people's hurt just as I'd felt mine. I'd wanted no more war, I'd wanted none of Germany's 'superior' race or to have to fight alongside my old mentor, my old England once again. I'd just wanted to stay away and visit Mattie when I needed some pancakes to fill my belly.
"A – America-s-san," Japan had gasped when he'd awoken, brought back to life as I pumped his chest again and again.
"I won't let you stay dead Japan, I won't."
I couldn't say it was me being a hero, that I was saving Japan because I felt guilty for the horror (so guiltyguiltyguilty) or because it was the right thing to do. I'd felt sick to my stomach, bile rising in my throat as I saw the extent of what I'd done to Japan. But he'd forced me and I hated him for it and I wanted to say sorry but I didn't and I kept him alive because he deserved to suffer but it hurt to see him pleading underneath me, begging.
"Let me die! Let me die! America-san. Please, please, I beg of you."
Maybe I'd kept him alive just so I'd never do it again, so I'd never use those awful bombs even when I was so clouded with red and my hands shaking with all my people's deaths. Because I hadn't known then that people would keep dying long after the dust had settled and Japan had been redressed and stitched up. I hadn't known about radiation and cancer and that story of a thousand cranes.
A thousand cranes, a thousand lives, just numbers. Numbers and numbers of all the dead.
"I can't let you die Japan."
"Alfred, please," he shrieked, back nearly bending backwards as he contorted and the bones in his body snapped.
"No Kiku," I said, trying to see out of my blood-spattered glasses. "You don't get to call me Alfred anymore."
Regrets, they really do haunt you.
"Alfred? Are you okay?"
I felt like someone had wrapped their hand around my throat, had squeezed my tendons and blocked off my airway as I felt thousands of thousands of my people die in an instant. I was half on the table, Kiku's eyes wide with worry but it was Canada by my side, holding my face in his hands. His gentle, gentle hands.
"Alfie, Alfie, did it happen again? Tell me you're okay? Please. Say something."
I coughed. I'd already felt them die, it was just a memory.
"What the bleeding hell is wrong with him?" Man, England's voice sounded high-pitched when he was freaking out. Boy was it funny. Too bad my throat wouldn't laugh.
Matthew pulled me up, made me focus on his face, on his eyes, and asked me again.
"Alfred. Can you hear me?"
I sucked in a rattling gasp. "Yeah, fine. I'm fine."
His face pinched even tighter with worry, those little lines around the corners of his eyes lengthening. He pressed forward and rubbed his nose against mine, but I could feel the fine trembles of his fingers against my skin, the barely-contained shake.
"It's nothing," I said, but I couldn't turn and look at Kiku – Japan – behind me, because he had scar all down his back and chest. Something was clawing its way inside of me, something so bitter and fuelled by hate that it scared me and I didn't want to feel it.
"America-san?"
I tensed and sucked in another gasp, reaching out to place my hands on top of Matthew's.
"Mattie."
"Alfred, what is going on?" England shouted again and I had to get out, get out, get out, now.
Other voices rose up, in concern, in annoyance, fear, uncertainty. It didn't matter.
But Kiku touched my shoulder and I shrieked, grabbing Matthew, shoving him towards Japan, and hiding my face into Matthew's back. I wasn't hiding, I wasn't. Hero's didn't hide.
"W'at is wr'ng wit'im?" Was Sweden's barely understandable words and Canada, my Canada, crying and his skin ripping itself apart, got their attention.
"Shut up. All of you just shut up now!"
The room went silent and I just tried not to think. Not to feel. Because there was something sticky on my fingers and I could swear it was blood. But I wasn't bleeding you know? Hero's don't bleed. I was/am a hero.
"Wait … who are you?"
A hero. A hero. Mattie's hero. They forgot him again.
"Mattieu~" France began, speaking over that other idiot, but my hero, my brother, must have thrown him a hard glare cause the former owner of Canada shut up. But Japan obviously didn't get the point.
"America-san? Did I offend you in some way?"
He couldn't speak to me, he had to stop, because I couldn't listen and not change that voice to the one it had been, begging me for forgiveness, just begging me to let him die. I twitched but didn't say anything.
"Nothing is wrong," Matthew said slowly. "America and I are just going to take a break now. We will be back soon."
"Hey, what did the awesome me miss out on?" Said that irritating voice and it seemed Prussia had actually come into the conference today – however late (I was saying an a pretty wicked speech and he'd been missing it.)
I tightened my grip in Mattie's shirt (when had that happened?) but we didn't get to move because England was pushing his way through the Nations (a very annoyed Poland "Hey, don't like, get your tea-hands all like, over my nice shirt, kay? Liet, look what he did," and Greece finally waking up with an elbow to his face) and trying to get around Canada.
"Let me see him."
Canada tensed and I needed to stop this because I was America for goodness sakes and even though I loved Mattie, I was the hero, I was meant to be the strong one.
"No."
Matthew started walking backwards, taking me with him and I breathed in his scent, not imaging fire (why was it always burning with me?) and keeping my eyes closed.
"Alfred," there was hesitation but England was never one to back down. "Are you … in an … are you –" he changed over to Matthew, "is he … injured?"
"Yes, what is wrong with comrade Amerika? I only like seeing dis vhen I am the cause of it, da? Kolkolkol."
Okay, even I didn't have to open my eyes to imagine everyone trying to stealthily moving away from Russia and that freaky-flame of communism that always appeared around him.
I stopped, Matthew stopped moving too and I held my hand up to my head. Because it felt like my brain had shrivelled up and the insides been dried out and a hard, sharp piece of rock been placed in there instead.
But I was the hero, so I gave my brother one last squeeze, stepped from out behind his shadow (I'd never done that before) and smiled grimly at everyone.
"I'm fine, sorry about that, it was nothing. Let's continue the meeting."
England frowned and Canada watched me carefully.
"America," came Hungary's no-nonsense voice, "there is no point if you are … unwell."
I tried to grin but doubled over as pain flashed through my skull. I grasped my hair and thought that maybe pulling out my hair would help. It wouldn't. I knew that. But the thought was there.
"It's," – restrained gasp – "nothing. Just a little, headache."
"That's some headache, Alfred," England said and I would've, should've been overjoyed because it was the most he'd said my name in one day in the last 200 plus years
"Thanks Iggy," I glanced up, ready with some smart-ass retort on my tongue but Japan was still in his seat and he was staring at me.
I ripped my eyes away from him and nodded to Matthew (it was more to myself, but who needs to know that?)
"Actually, I'm going to go get some food. That's obviously all I need," and I rubbed the back of my head, not looking anyone in the face. "So I'm gonna go get some Mickey D's kay? Bye everyone."
And I carefully, calmly, walked out of the room.
I did not run.
"Wait. Alfred," Mattie called, following after me as I reached the door, swerving around Prussia. Prussia who stared at me confused with his head cocked and that tiny bird flying around his head.
"Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with ya?" He asked, hand out and grabbing onto my arm to touch me.
"Don't," Canada yelled but it was too late and he was touching me and memories, memories, they were coming back. Germany and Prussia, they'd fought against me, they'd drawn me into the Second World War and Prussia should be dead, because we'd dissolved him, I'd dissolved him, it had been one of our stipulations, the Allied Countries.
But he didn't die, though we forced his people out in droves and he felt them die, one by one until they were so displaced that they couldn't recognise him as their nation anymore, until they were no longer his and he felt the absence of them. He started to pale and those deep black bags under his eyes were something I only saw once before I pushed him out of my mind, before Russia had to shackle and break him down so he'd stop fighting to get back to his brother. I left him with Russia, left him separated from his brother for so many years (and god, how much would it kill me to never see Mattie for that long, to know he's just over a wall, stuck under a crazy mad-man?) because my people were scared, so scared, and Prussia was the centre of it all, the origin of Nazism.
I yanked my arm out from under his grasp and threw him into the wall, following with a fist pressed to his chest.
"What the hell man?" But I breathed in his scent and could remember that fear, that fear of disappearing and what he would do not to. The desperation, I wanted him desperate and if he was desperate than he'd do whatever I wanted and I could have him, under my thumb. Mine, mine, mine.
"Gilbert," and my voice was soft and my blood pumping and god, but I wanted to see those red eyes widen in fear again. Beg me, beg me. "I think I have some shackles in my room, wanna go play Berlin Wall all over again?"
"America," the others yelled.
"Bruder!" Came Germany's pissed off voice.
And Prussia punched me in the face (well tried to) but I caught his hand and smashed it against the wall, chuckling darkly and loving those red eyes so full of fury.
"You asshole. Don't you dare bring that fuckin up."
"Alfred," Canada was behind me and I narrowed my eyes. "Calm down, please. Listen to me. It's just Prussia, just Gilbert. You don't mean this."
"Oh Mattie," I smiled, something twisting in my face that made Prussia's eyes widen. "I think I do -". Prussia kicked me in the stomach and I flew back, smacking into the corner of the door.
"America." Mattie again and if he didn't shut up I'd have to tie him down and gag that pretty little mouth of his.
But it wasn't Mattie blocking my view of Prussia anymore but Canada. Canada glaring at me with furious eyes.
"Calm yourself America. You are better than this."
I hissed back at him, baring my teeth. He thought he could tell me what to do? To order me? The great America? He? Tiny little pathetic Canada, that dared to burn down my Capital. He was my brother, he was supposed to pick my side, not England's. Didn't he want freedom? Didn't he know how amazing we could be together?
My head throbbed and I gasped, coming back to myself. Oh god, what had I done? How could I have said that?
I looked up and all the Nations were staring at me, Germany already by his brother's side, but it was Canada who took the step forward.
"America?"
I laughed, well, it was more a cough and the mere movement made my whole body ache.
"Sorry, sorry. It's me." I glanced up at Prussia, who still looked furious, but this time I noticed the cracked wall around his body. Damn, I'd really put force into that hit.
"Sorry," I said again, to Prussia this time. "Sorry Prussia, that – just forget about that – I didn't mean it 'kay?"
"America, why did you do that aru?" China asked, playing with with the creepy panda doll in his hands as everyone looked to me for an answer.
"How dare you say that to my bruder? I will not tolerate it."
With one last glance at Canada, and a quick avoidance of England's eyes (I couldn't even brush my eyes over the blackness of Japan's hair) I swallowed.
"That – let's just – I just need some food 'kay? So I'm gonna leave, and come back and everything will be fine."
And I got as far away from them as possible.
As I said, calming walking. Cause Hero's don't run.
*Updated 2/2/12
So, America's going a little pyscho! Yay! I'm really getting an idea on where this fic is going. And that little Prussia bit was a last minute add cause, hey, I thought, Prussia's freakin awesome and I can picture him randomly attending these conferences just to p' everyone off.
Oh! I completely wanted to put this in but couldn't find a way to do so.
Okay: So, there is like this five metre block of cement in Germany called 'Prussia' and there is also this 1000 person town in Canada called 'New Prussia', so I'm going off that, that Prussia actually does have some land/people left. Because I don't want Prussia dead. Cause he's awesome.
And it was a big thing that the Allied Nations (in terms for Germany's surrender) said that Prussia would get abolished as a Nation (though all the land on that side went to Russia who actually wasn't as adamant for Prussia's abolishment cause they had history.) And since Germany and Prussia were separated until 1990/1 (wow, that's not that long ago) I really think it would've hurt the two brothers to be kept apart like that.
Oh, America saying "Let's go play Berlin Wall," in his dark, sensual voice just kept replaying over and over in my head. Shivers. Oh, my gosh, cause I'm imaging that Prussia didn't have that good of a time, what with always trying to escape and Russia can be a little sadistic. I pair those two together hardcore man.
And poor Japan. Gosh, I love Kiku. And I got Australia in (just letting you know, Koala's are violent, they may be cute, but they will claw your face off if you piss them off.)
So! More of Alfred's regrets/memories are coming back! How will he deal with this? And how will the other Nations react to America's seemingly split-personality?
