Disclaimer: I'm just a snarky gal. I don't own Twilight.
Warning: The following is a parody or what some would call a crackfic. I will shamelessly poke fun at any and all characters with bad, snark-filled jokes. Just sayin...
Big thanks to my beta, Vintagejgc!
This scene takes place post Eclipse, pre-Breaking Dawn.
"Oh, come on!" Alice looks horrified. After a slow shake of her head she calmly places the sheet of paper onto the desk and sighs. "Edward is going to have a fit."
"Why?" I frown. "This was his suggestion."
"This isn't quite what he had in mind." She gives me a knowing look, her perfect brow arching in a comical height.
"It's the only thing I want." I shrug. It's the truth.
"That's it? There is nothing else? Somewhere you want to travel perhaps?"
I snort. "Yeah, Vegas, to one of those drive-thru wedding chapels."
She huffs and rises to stand so that she can look down at me- baring her teeth just enough to look threatening.
I snort again and purposely waver in my decisions regarding the wedding. I ponder the possibility of being married by some Elvis look-alike. A young Elvis. None of that fat, white, bedazzled jumpsuit business. Ew. No, thank you.
"If I get one more vision of you two in Vegas, I will take you over my knee and spank the shit out of you."
"Have you been reading Fifty Shades of Grey again?"
She rolls her eyes. "That's beside the point. I'm serious, Bella. No Vegas!"
I sigh and firmly decide to get married here in Forks, as planned.
"Good," she says and gone is her mock-scary face. "Now..." She holds up... the shoes. The most evil shoes I have ever seen. They're pretty, of course, matching my dress perfectly, but a five inch heel? Seriously? I'm suddenly convinced that Alice wants to kill me.
"Um..." Is my glorious response. I stare at them in horror, my ankles shivering in fright. "Alice..."
"You'll be fine." She waves in a nonchalant manner. "You just need to practice."
Jasper strides into the room and gives me a curious look before saying, "You're scaring her, Alice. I'm talking deep-rooted fear. "
"Yeah," I add with a nod. I try to muster up a tear or two for show but I get nothing. I settle for curling into a ball on the couch and proceed to bite my nails.
"No, no, no!" Alice shrieks. "Get those fingers away from your mouth or the French manicure I have planned will be ruined!"
"Flats," I whisper in desperation, "Please."
I picture myself tripping while walking down the aisle, breaking an ankle or two and I whimper, my eyes starting to water.
Yeah, I'm laying it on thick, but whatever. I have to protect myself from any possible injury. Edward is strict enough with physical boundaries as is and knowing him... He wouldn't even consider sex if I was already hurt in some way.
I'm not taking any chances where sex with Edward is concerned. It's happening on our honeymoon dammit! The shoes have to go. I consider forming a plan to destroy them but stop immediately. This isn't something I can't plan or Alice will see.
She sits beside me and pats my head. "Silly Bella, don't you trust me?"
"I suppose," I mumble remembering the James fiasco and the Victoria debacle. It's not that I doubt Alice's abilities; my hesitation comes from my danger-magnet tendencies. If I fall and cut myself in the presence of vampires, things could go sooooooo wrong. Been there. Done that. Have the scars to prove it.
"What the hell is this?" Jasper asks and in his hand is the sheet of paper that Alice had placed on the desk.
"It's Bella's bucket list," Alice responds, narrowing her eyes at me.
Jasper cracks up laughing. "This..." Laugh. "Is." More laughing. Cackling really. "Hilarious."
He turns and smirks at me. "I think the odds are in your favor, Bella. I mean, he wants you to have a traditional honeymoon, so..."
"Exactly!" Alice adds, "which is precisely why you need to revise this list. Get creative with it. Edward has substantial means. I would bet that he could give you anything you want, anything, Bella!"
I huff and sit up, crossing my arms defiantly over my chest. They just don't get it. I don't want fancy cars or clothes. There is only one thing I want and only one thing on my bucket list.
To have sex with Edward.
~O~
Thanks for reading my snarky shenanigans. I hope you enjoyed. Leave a review? Pretty please?
More Snarklight to come. Stay tuned!
Need a fic rec?
The three bloody oranges by Camilla10. This love & vamps story is inspired by L'Amore delle Tre Melarance The Love for Three Oranges , a classical Italian fairy tale. There'll be passion, there'll be danger, and a surprise at the end. AU with vampires.
