vi.
Loki's muscles quivered with strain. Planting his feet again, he pulled the rope gripped in his hands further back, lifting the gigantic anvil outside by another few feet. Just a little more, and he would have his desired 1000ft. of distance from the ground—and the sarcastic green cat sitting in the middle of the target painted there.
"So, since The Destroyer couldn't fry me, you're going to squash me instead?" the cat asked. "That's clever."
Clearly that flattering remark wasn't sincere. Loki didn't honor the rude animal with a response (the cat wouldn't have been able to hear him, anyway) and continued to pull.
One thousand feet. Perfect. With a relieved grin Loki released the rope, and the piano-sized anvil went plummeting down.
Loki laughed, his face alight with maniacal glee, then rushed down the stairs to view his handiwork.
Yes, yes… the anvil was totally flat against the surface, not an nth higher than it should be.
"…breathing with two-dimensional lungs. Well, you try something new every day."
Loki groaned and hit his head against the anvil. His fingers came up to massage the already bruising point of contact.
vii.
Thor and Volstagg were heading down a wide corridor, laughing boisterously as they reminisced about old times. Loki was coming from the opposite direction, accompanied by his elegant green cat.
Suddenly Loki whirled around and shrieked at the cat, "No, no, I am not a sorry excuse for a—!" He stopped abruptly, as though interrupted, and Loki turned blue with fury. "You take that back!" Another pause. "Oh, you won't, eh? We'll see about that!" And he promptly attacked his cat.
Volstagg and Thor watched, both thinking this was the strangest of strange things they had seen in Asgard's halls. Loki, called by some the cleverest of all Asgardians, brawling with a cat nearly a tenth his size.
Volstagg elbowed Thor. "Should we intervene?" he asked.
Thor slowly shook his head. "I don't think that would be wise, Volstagg. And Loki would only resent us for coming to his aid. Besides, I believe it is time he learned a much-needed lesson."
"What lesson is that?" Volstagg inquired. "If it is that he is not the rightful king of all the Nine Realms, I doubt even you will get anywhere in this thousand years. And how can the cat enable him to learn?"
"No, Volstagg, I do not speak of that particular lesson," Thor smiled. "The lesson Loki needs to learn right now is that he can't win."
Volstagg looked at Thor, then at Loki and the cat. They were still going at it. Despite the massive size differences—and the fact that they looked painfully ridiculous—they were attacking each other pretty fiercely.
Volstagg shook his head. "Somehow, Thor, I think that lesson will take much longer than the other one." He chuckled when Loki somehow ended up with a mouthful of tail and indignantly spat the appendage out.
Thor realized too late that he was laughing. "We probably shouldn't be enjoying ourselves at poor Loki's expense, Volstagg," he said.
"Poor Loki? I'd say he's brought this on himself!" Volstagg snickered again.
Loki flipped onto his back and flung the cat into the air. It came shrieking back down, claws extended. Loki yelped as the now-prickly ball of fur collided with his body. The scrap lasted a few minutes longer before winding down to a close, Loki by all appearances having gotten the worst of it. The cat was missing some of its fur, however, and it looked quite miserable about that.
Loki glared across at it, then offered a hand. "Truce?"
"Truce?" the cat repeated. "What are you talking about, Asgardian? I won."
Loki's eyes narrowed further still. "Are you so certain of that?"
Volstagg leaned towards Thor's ear. "Here we go again," he whispered. "What did I tell you, Thor? This lesson's going to be harder than the last. Loki doesn't accept that he can't win."
Thor shook his head, a slightly proud smile on his face. "I suppose he never will."
viii.
BOOM!
Thor nearly flew right up through the ceiling, and it wasn't even with Mjolnir's assistance. "What was that?" he demanded in alarm, taking up his hammer and seeking out the source of the noise.
BOOM!
Louder this time, and Thor had barely moved from his original location. He paused a moment, trying to pinpoint the direction he had heard the noise coming from, and obligingly the terrific sound returned again.
BOOM!
It sounded like a great whip or a mighty gunshot. And it was coming from right above his head. Now that Thor was thinking a little clearer, he was able to place the mysterious sound. Really, he ought to have recognized it before.
Thunder.
Most often one heard thunder as a powerful rumbling, but the truth of it was that the rumbles came as a result of distance. Right there, amongst the clashing clouds, thunder was a terrific clap, not a slow growl.
But Asgard was no victim to unexpected weather. The only thing that could cause this was technology, and while Thor wasn't certain of the purpose he knew there could only be one person behind it: Loki.
"Thor, you need to come see this!" Fandral exclaimed before nearly running straight into Thor's chest. The other Asgardian's expression was one of disbelief strongly mixed with alarm.
"What has Loki done, Fandral?" Thor asked.
Fandral shook his head. "I can't describe this one, actually. All I know is that he has summoned the power of lightning to his aid."
Thor sighed and grimly followed Fandral's lead. Who knew what terrible mischief Loki might have planned this time.
Thor stared around incredulously when he entered Loki's chambers. The area had been completely transformed, looking much like Jane's cluttered laboratory down on Midgard, stacks of paper and equipment practically spilling off the edges of erected tables. What there seemed to be no end of was cables. Lots and lots and lots of cables. They all seemed to be feeding into the back of a mysterious pod, shut inside of which was…
Of course. The cat. Thor should have known this would be another attempt on the poor creature's life.
"Loki, when are you going to accept that he just can't be killed?" he asked.
Loki glared at him. "Where there is a will, there is a way, Thor," he said.
"And let me guess, you've got plenty of will."
Loki pointed at the pod's furry occupant. "You silence yourself."
Thor's brow furrowed. "What did he say?"
"Never you mind." Loki went over to a switchboard of massive proportions. "Today I get my revenge on that rotten animal at last!"
"Loki, don't!" Thor cried, realizing with horror that Loki intended to fry the cat. Thunder boomed outside.
"Too late!" Loki cired, slamming down a large lever and lighting up the room.
The lightning-powered cables crackled with fearsome power, sending wave after wave of electricity into the small pod. It went on until each of the half foot-thick cables incinerated themselves and the chaotic weather outside vanished into nothing.
It was all in vain, of course. The cat only complained that it didn't have a particular fondness for tickles. Thor had never before seen Loki rip out fistfuls of hair before. Thank goodness it was only extensions.
ix.
Loki ran past, cackling as he carried his long green cat by the scruff of its neck. He dodged around dozens of puzzled Asgardians, Thor and Odin last of all, and ran out onto the balcony atop Asgard's highest tower, flinging his cat over the edge with a joyous cry.
Thor found it extremely disturbing that someone could be so happy they were killing their pet.
Loki peered over the edge of the balcony, bouncing on his toes as he waited impatiently, an expression of glee and relief on his face. Then it twisted in horror and he let out a despairing wail.
Evidently the cat was fine.
x.
Loki paced in his quarters, hands clasped behind his back and his brow furrowed in frustrated knot.
"Oh, I know that look," the cat remarked. "You're trying to think of a new way to kill me. Can't wait to see what you've cooked up this time."
Loki stopped pacing and stared at the cat. "That's a brilliant idea," he stated. "I shall boil you alive."
"Alive being the appropriate word," the cat replied. "Like a little hot water will do what a giant anvil won't."
Loki wandered off, muttering something about spices and tomatoes.
"Gonna set up some grilled cheese sandwiches to go with that?" the cat asked.
Loki stopped and stared at him. "What?"
"Grilled cheese sandwiches. Midgardians have a preference for eating them with tomato soup. You were planning on cooking me in a tomato soup, right?" The cat yawned, something he did with annoying frequency. Nothing seemed to excite the creature. "Good thing I like the taste of tomatoes. Maybe it'll help rejuvenate my skin or something."
"Not if you're dead," Loki growled.
"Well, keep on dreaming, Frost Midget."
Loki stalked off in search of a pot. The cat calmly went out onto the balcony to sun itself.
Author's Note: Oh no, she wrote more of this? *double checks* Yes, she did. Oy vey.
I was thinking of Wile E. Coyote some of the time I was writing this. Maybe that's where the anvil came in. The picture in my head is one the size of a piano. Do any of you remember the Wile E. Coyote cartoon with the piano, where he finishes by playing a dirge on his piano-key teeth? That's the piano I'm thinking of.
I don't know if this is funny to any of you. Writing it down isn't quite so much fun as acting it out for my siblings. When my little brother gets going, it sounds like he's breathing giggles. Sometimes he just ends up on the floor helplessly laughing. Usually these silly flights of fancy don't ever see the light of the Internet. Loki and the cat are a very rare exception.
I'm hoping to sometime put up pieces with more conversation between Loki and the cat. He isn't always trying to kill it, you know. Gods need their rest. When those times roll around, they start verbally sparring. I've hinted at that some, but I think I can do more. *shrug* Well, we'll see how it goes.
Out of all these, I'd have to say that number nine is my favorite. I know it's the shortest, and there's no dialogue at all, but the mental video that plays in my head every time I read it makes me laugh so hard.
