Chapter 2 Soundtrack:

Placebo – Every You, Every Me

Bon Iver – Skinny Love

Coldplay – Fix You

Barbarossa – Stones

CHAPTER 2: MY SUN

4 weeks later.

Gym was starting to become my favorite part of school. As a stroke of luck, coach Clapp had decided we should work with endurance, something I much preferred over any kind of sport involving rackets or balls, most likely so he could sit on the bleachers while we ran laps. I was in good shape, and I was enjoying the rush of air on my face as my feet hit the ground with all the force I had in me. I was the fastest of all the girls running, which made me smile, and the confidence gave me the extra boost I needed to speed up. The muscles in my thighs ached and it was starting to become hard to breathe, but I didn't slow down.

When I'd finally run past the finish line I bent over with my hands on my knees while I waited for my heartbeat and breathing to slow down.

"Wow, you're fast!" I looked up to see Angela smiling at me. I tried to smile back, but I saw her smile falter and realized that mine probably wasn't very convincing. I said "thank you" and tried to make it sound sincere before I started walking towards the bleachers. It was the boy's turn to run and Mike gave me a thumbs up and a big grin on his way to the field.

I sat down and opened the bottle of water that I'd left in my bag. Angela came to sit next to me. "Have you been working out a lot? You were like a bolt of lightning back there." Her voice was careful, like most people were when they talked to me. I tried my best to smile again. "Some… for the last four weeks. I used to run a lot back in Phoenix though." The truth was I'd been running nearly every day since that last gruesome session with Dr. Davis. The hole in my chest had been aching more than it had in a long time and the nightmares were worse, but slowly I'd been able to find some sort of balance between being numb and emotionless whenever I didn't run, and then being full of adrenaline and frustration when I did. It was slowly starting to help.

Angela was quiet while we watched the boys run. Tyler Crowley reached the finish line first, and I was lost in thought as I wondered if he was faster than me when Angela broke the silence. "Ben and I were thinking about getting some people together to watch a movie tonight. You wanna come?" I looked over at her and blinked a few times, probably looking retarded. "Uhm… yeah, sure," that would probably make Charlie happy, I thought to myself. I'd noticed the way he'd been watching me lately, looking for improvements that weren't really there and probably debating whether or not to send me back to Dr. Davis. That was something I very much wanted to avoid. "In the theaters?" I asked, trying to seem enthusiastic. "Yeah, there's this movie called Atonement that's supposed to be really good." I bit down on my lip, as I weighed my options. I needed to do something to keep Charlie off my back. I also probably needed to spend time with people, even though the idea wasn't very appealing. "What's the movie about?" I asked, trying to sound interested and not pessimistic. "It's some old-fashioned movie about a war, I think," she answered, watching Ben with a shy smile as he used his bottle to splash cool water on his face.

A war-movie. That could either be very good or very bad. It could be violent and gory, but it could also be one of those romances, like Cold Mountain. I thought about Charlie and Dr. Davis… and her horrible questions… "I'm in. When do we meet?"

3 hours later I was parking my truck in Port Angeles. I walked the few blocks to the movie theatre, looking at the ground and counting steps. It was one of my new habits meant to occupy my mind. Now it came almost involuntarily.

A couple of blocks away, outside the theatre, I saw Mike, Jessica, Lauren, Ben, Angela and Tyler. My stomach twisted a bit as they looked up from their conversation and stared at me. It was my first social outing in almost five months. Mike looked enthusiastic, Jessica looked a bit annoyed, Lauren quickly looked away after giving me the stink eye, while Ben and Angela smiled. Tyler just looked a little bored. I tried to give them my best smile when I reached them, focusing on Angela. "Hey, Bella!" Mike said and quickly came to stand by my side. He was used to being alone with me at work, so he wasn't as shy around me as I now realized other people were. "We should get going, the movie is about to start," Jessica said as her gaze shifted between Mike and me. I could see her annoyance turning into anger by the seconds, so I quickly moved to stand by Angela, trying not to be too obvious about it.

Mike had en enthusiasm that was anything but easy to kill, though. He quickly caught up with me and started chatting about the movie and what kind of snacks to buy. "Do you want to share a popcorn?" he asked. I looked up at his big smile and tried to be polite. "Oh, no thanks, I'm too full from dinner." Dang it, now I can't buy popcorn. Mike was starting to annoy me. Jessica looked at us over her shoulder and I avoided her gaze.

I went to sit on a bench by the bathroom doors while the others stood in line to buy candy and snacks. I was planning how to best avoid sitting next to Mike in the theatres when someone called my name. "Bella?" It was a familiar voice and I turned my head to see Jacob Black standing with a couple of friends a few feet away. "Jacob, hi." He smiled bigger and started to walk towards me. He looked even bigger than he had the last time I saw him. I stood up, my social skills a bit rusty, unsure what to do, but he just strode over and grabbed me into a bear hug that squeezed the air out of my lungs. When he retreated his smile was still there, and still huge. I couldn't help myself and smiled back.

It was an unfamiliar thing for me, to smile without effort. Normally it was something I had to consciously decide. "You grew again!" I said with disbelief. His smile grew impossibly bigger. "How are you?" he asked and sat down on the bench I'd been sitting on. I sat down next to him and shrugged. "Not bad," I said, but I could feel my smile wavering. "The truck still runs great. You're a miracle worker," I added to change the subject from my well-being. "Seriously? Wow, that thing has ten lives at the least. I was so relieved when Billy sold it to Charlie," he said and shook his head. "Hey, don't offend my truck. It's just a little… experienced." He laughed and I laughed a bit with him, which felt even stranger than smiling. It wasn't full hearted, but it was without effort.

"What are you guys doing in Port Angeles? They don't have a movie theatre in La push?" I asked. "Yeah, but we were already in town. The guys were helping me track down some parts for my car," he answered with a shrug.

Mike soon interrupted our strangely comfortable conversation. "Bella, come on, we need to get in before it starts," he said, his eyes looking suspiciously at Jacob. I sighed. Jacob looked at Mike and back at me. "I remember him. Does he still think he's your boyfriend?" he teased. "Mike can be… annoying." I said. It was so easy to be honest with Jacob. We both stood up and Jacob turned to face me again before he grabbed me into another hug. "It was great seeing you, Bella," he said when he let me go.

"We should meet up sometime." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. But why should I stop them? Jacob was so easy to talk to, and I actually found that I enjoyed his company. It was easy to be with him. I realized as I thought back to the other times I'd seen him that I actually really liked Jacob. "Sure, you should stop by La Push sometime!" I nodded and smiled, again without effort. "I will."

The next day I was working at Newton's. I was standing behind the counter and biting my nails while I looked at Mike who was helping some hikers find the right shoes. I was thinking about last night and how he'd managed to squeeze past Angela to sit next to me. Jessica had given me the stink eye again, and it bugged me how oblivious he was.

The hikers were distracted by a discussion they were having, and Mike strolled over looking cheerful. I was too annoyed to fake a smile back. "I think I lost them," he said, jutting his thumb towards the hikers he'd been helping. "Oh?" I answered, trying to sound interested. "They're discussing something about a bear…" I looked over at them, and they both seemed a bit agitated as they clearly disagreed. "A bear?" I asked. "Yeah, they saw a bear or something when they were camping. One of them says it was a wolf, the other one disagrees."

"This place is dead, you can might as well just go home," he said and looked around the almost-empty store. Oh no. That was exactly the thing I wanted to avoid: free time. Mike looked at me like he was doing me a favor. I supposed I could go for a run, but that would take an hour tops and it was still early in the day. I would have a huge gap of time between running and dinnertime. "Okay… if you don't need me I guess I could leave." Maybe I could make something really complicated and time-consuming for dinner. I didn't have any homework left to do; I'd done it all and then some already. Mike, always the hopeful, interpreted my reluctance as me wanting to spend more time with him. I could see his eyes light up with hope. "If you want to stay-" but I interrupted him. "No, no it's okay. I've got homework to do anyways," I lied.

On my way to the truck I had an idea. The truck had reminded me of the person who used to work on it. Jacob, I thought with relief. I didn't have his number, so I decided to drive to La Push and see if he was home. Atonement had turned out to be exactly the type of war movie that was more romance and less gore, which had left me with a sick feeling in my stomach all night, which again had added a new suffocating darkness to the forest I visited in my nightmare (it was always the same one, every night). The feeling of being utterly lost in that awful forest was still lingering. Jacob, with his huge smile and aura of happiness, the kind of happiness that somehow didn't make me feel worse, was exactly what I wanted and needed. I found myself actually looking forward to seeing him. How strange – and how incredibly strange, and even sad that I should find such a thing strange in the first place; to simply enjoy someone's company. I shook the thought out of my head. Don't go there.

When I came up the driveway, Jacob was already standing outside his house, smiling and simply radiating warmth. As I had the previous night, I smiled back, and it was still effortless. I parked the car and jumped out, eager to be with him. It was such an unfamiliar feeling. "I heard the truck roaring before I even saw you," he said with a huge smile. I laughed a little and gave my truck a loving glance over my shoulder. Jacob shook his head in mock disapproval. "I hope I'm not rude just coming down here uninvited." He was still smiling, and the closer I got the more of his radiating warmth seemed to reach me. "Don't be ridiculous, you're always welcome. And anyways, you were invited. I told you to drop by last night." I smiled again as his face showed nothing but joy at seeing me. It wasn't the kind of expression I was used to. Most people looked at me with wary eyes, like I was a ticking bomb.

We went inside his house, were Billy was sitting in his wheelchair, watching TV. His warm, black eyes met mine and surprise crossed his face. "Well, what do you know! It's good to see you Bella." He seemed honestly pleased at seeing me, but the surprise didn't quite leave his face. And there was something else in his eyes too, behind the joy and surprise. Was it concern? Or was I being paranoid? "I haven't seen you out here on the reservation since you were a kid." I nodded and tried to keep the smile on my face, but it was getting a bit harder. "Oh yeah, that's right. I can barely remember it though," I said and I felt my cheeks warm up a little in a blush, as he was still looking at me and the concern was growing in his eyes. That too was an odd feeling. I hadn't blushed in so long. "You and Jacob didn't hang out much. He always teased you about your size until your face grew red in anger." Jacob laughed, throaty and deep. "Oh, that's right! I forgot about that. Still tiny," he said and put a hand on my head as if to emphasize it. "Hey, it's not my fault that Billy obviously puts growth hormones in your cereal," I said teasingly. Billy laughed and Jacob grimaced at me.

"What do you want to do?" Jacob asked after we'd reminisced with Billy for a while. "Whatever you did before I showed up". His face became a bit unsure as he said he'd been in the garage working on his car. It was a Volkswagen Rabbit, which meant nothing to me, but he seemed excited about it and all of his emotions seemed to be contagious for me.

I spent the day in Jacobs garage, forgetting everything about Charlie and dinner. I was still stunned at how easy it was to talk to him. He told me about his car, what he'd already done on it and what parts he was missing, and his friends at school. I asked him question after question, and I didn't need to strain myself to keep the conversation going. Compared to the last few months, it was bliss.

Someone knocking on the wall broke off our laughter. I looked up to see Charlie peeking through the open garage door. His face was shocked. "Oh, dad! I totally forgot to call you," I said as I just then saw that it was starting to get dark outside. He was still so surprised that it took him a second too long to answer. "It's okay, Billy called me a few hours ago and told me to come over after work for dinner." I could see that he tried to compose his face, but his eyes were still a bit too wide to be convincing. "Okay, great," I said, feeling a little awkward as he was still staring quite obviously. It made me feel guilty to see how shocked he was to find me laughing. "I was actually sent out here to tell you guys that dinner is ready." Jacob got up from the ground, he'd been under the car and fixing… something, I had no idea what, when Charlie interrupted us, and smiled widely. "Great, I'm starving," he said and laid his hand on his stomach to emphasize.

At dinner, Charlie and Billy mostly talked about fishing and work, while Jacob and I were back to reminiscing. "Wait a second," I said, suddenly remembering, "didn't we once get in a fight?" Jacob thought for a moment before his hand smacked down at the table and he started shaking with laughter. "Oh, that's right! You actually clawed on my arms, I remember even having scratches on them. What a temper! Is she still like that, Charlie?" we both looked at my dad then, who was still unable to hide his surprise every time I laughed. It made my stomach twist a bit, and I looked down on my plate. "No, she's… she's grown out of it, I guess," he said awkwardly. "Man, I remember that so well now… I must've blocked it from my memory or something, it was probably traumatizing," Jacob said, still smiling and not seeming to notice the way Charlie looked at us. "Traumatizing for you? You were twice my size!" I said in mock horror. "Oh, come on, I wasn't that big. And I didn't have razor-sharp nails like you did."

The conversation went on like that, and Billy and Charlie joined in with their own memories. By the end of the evening, Charlie had gotten over most of his surprise and seemed to be radiating almost as much joy as Jacob did when we left. I could see his headlights in my rear-view mirror as we drove home, and I wondered what he was thinking. A part of me was so relieved that he'd been there to see me be sane and smiling, but a part of me also feared what was coming. The hole wasn't healed. I could feel it as I was driving, that it was still there and still painful. Jacob had woken me up from my numb state, but that also meant that I was awake to feel other things, and it made me worried about what was next. It also made me worry about Charlie getting his hopes up.

For a brief second I wondered how it would have been if Charlie and I didn't live in the same house and I had no one to put up pretenses for. Would it be worse? Would it be even harder to pull myself out of… But I stopped there. Thinking about the pain didn't help me to ignore it.

The next day I woke up around 5 a.m., awaken by my own screams. As it often was, I kept screaming even after I woke up, covering my ears and recoiling from the awful sound. Then, as it also often was, I realized that the sound would stop if I did. I stayed in my bed, feeling tired and worn, like an old lady. Silent tears streamed down my face – from my eye, over my nose and down on the mattress. I listened for Charlie's snores, and 5 minutes later I could just barely hear them through the walls. I lay there, even though I had no hope or desire to fall asleep again. I was just staring out the window. It was dark grey outside, but I could see that the sun was just about to come up behind the thick clouds.

When the tears had stopped, I got up and immediately put on a pair of black running-tights and a grey hoodie. On my way out I passed by the mirror and stopped to look at myself. It had been a long time since I'd really looked at myself in the mirror, and I wondered if it was intentional. I couldn't remember actually haven made the decision to not look at myself in the mirror anymore, but the reflection seemed so unfamiliar. I had dark circles under my eyes and I was paler than usual, which made my hair seem darker. I focused very hard on not thinking about what I looked like. Then I shook my head. I wasn't beautiful enough to resemble that. I stopped looking at my face and let my eyes wander down my body. My legs looked thinner than they used to. I tried to convince myself that that was probably because of the running, but I wasn't completely comforted. Too thin, too pale and too tired. It wasn't the best combination.

I ran nearly 10 miles that morning. I didn't bother to be creative with the route; I just ran down the road and then turned around when I got too hungry. It wasn't like I really cared about or noticed my surroundings anyway. When I finally reached the house I stopped outside to do some stretches before I went in. I made sure to eat a big breakfast, feeling a little guilty about burning so many calories right after noticing how thin I'd become.

The eggs and bacon were almost done when Charlie walked in the kitchen door. He yawned and stretched his arms, revealing a growing belly as his t-shirt was slightly lifted up. He wasn't really looking at me as he said good morning; his eyes were for the food only. I tried to make my face smile, but the nightmare was still too fresh in my mind. "Hope you're hungry," I said as I made up a plate for him. I put a carton of juice, two glasses and two plates full of bacon, eggs and toast on the table and we sat down. I ate everything up and then went back to the stove to help us both to seconds.

"Hungry today?" Charlie asked as he watched me scarf down another plateful of food. I nodded, even though I was actually very full, and kept eating. We ate in silence for a while, I was looking out the window and Charlie was reading the newspaper. Suddenly he exhaled in what seemed like annoyance. "What?" I asked, not really that curious. "Warnings about big bears in the newspaper. We've gotten some people coming by at the station too, saying they've seen a gigantic bear out in the woods." I nodded in recognition. "Yeah, some hikers at Newton's said they saw a bear too. But one of them claimed it was a big wolf." Charlie mouthed the word "wolf" and shook his head.

We went back to eating in comfortable silence, before Charlie broke it again. "So, what are your plans today?" he asked, his tone full of implications. "I'm not sure. I don't have any plans," I said, but I immediately thought about Jacob. I wondered if he would want to spend time with me two days in a row. Even under the influence of his aura of happiness I couldn't possibly be much fun to be with. "Maybe some homework", I said after a while. Charlie was quiet in thought for a moment. "Jake seemed pretty happy to see you yesterday," meaning I looked happy to see Jake, I added mentally, "maybe you should give him a call and see if he wants to hang out." His tone was so overly casual that it was too easy to see through his motives. I sighed and looked at him, his eyes were on his plate as he ate, trying to seem like he was just making casual conversation. Poor Charlie. Thanks to my stubborn teenage traits, it annoyed me a bit when he was budding in like that. But the love behind the action was too clear, and I was moved by it. "Yeah, maybe I will." Charlie nodded absentmindedly, but I could see the relief and hope in his eyes.

I had to wait a few hours before I could call Jacob's house – Charlie had given me the number – so I went back to my room to study. I didn't have any homework left, so I just read up on the next chapters we were going to start and wrote down the key-points. By ten, I couldn't wait any longer and went downstairs to make the call. "Hello?" It was Billy who answered the phone. "Hey, it's Bella. Is Jacob in?" I felt a huge relief when he answered happily that he was. A day with Jacob was so much better than a day of trying to make the time pass with meaningless cleaning and homework. "Hi Bella, what's up?" Jacob sounded sincerely happy to hear from me, and my relief grew stronger. "Not much, I was just wondering if you had any plans today." I could actually hear his huge smile as he said that he didn't have any plans, and I could even hear it grow when I asked if he wanted to hang out.

We decided to go hiking, the sun was supposed to be out today, and I had boots and a pair of comfortable pants on when I drove down to pick him up. He hopped into the car and smiled at me, and just like before, I smiled back without effort. It was strange thinking about how little time I'd actually spent with him when I felt so comfortable and even almost happy when I saw him. The hole in my chest was always there, but sometimes it was distant and I hardly noticed it, like if I was too numb like I'd been before or when I was with Jacob. But it was always present.

As I drove where he guided me, the smiles came easier by the minute. His warmth spread to me so easily, I was sure it would never cease to surprise me. By the time we reached our destination, the hole was barely noticeable.

The following weeks went by in strange intervals. Some times time would pass so quickly it disoriented me, and then other times it went by so slow I felt like each second was an annoying poke at my temple. The former was of course when I was with Jacob. It wasn't perfect, but it was closer to perfection and happiness than I'd ever hoped to get. I'd accepted that I would never be whole and I'd even almost accepted that I'd never be happy again, but Jacob gave me hope that maybe I didn't have to always be so miserable. I already thought of him as my best friend.

I wasn't healed, but Jacob was a temporary bandage that kept me together when I was with him. Everything about him was warm; his smile, his throaty laughter, his dark eyes, and the way the car almost shook when he thought something was exceptionally funny. He was my own personal sun.

At the beginning, he started holding my hand whenever we went hiking. I'd removed my hand from his the first time he did it and pushed him away playfully, but he had simply grabbed it again and smiled confidently at me. It felt good to hold his hand, it was big and warmer than mine, and so I didn't object. After a while it became habit, and he would always grab my hand whenever we were walking, hiking or even sometimes when we were driving. If we watched a movie he would sit on the floor in front of me and lean his head on my knees.

For me, it was comfortable and even soothing. It made his warmth and happiness wrap around me even tighter. But that was it, though. There were no butterflies in my stomach, no nervousness or any deeper feelings than friendship. I was getting more and more sure that for Jacob, it did mean something.

It had been a rare sunny day in April, and Jacob and I had gone hiking and then eaten dinner with Charlie. We had forgotten about the time and I was driving him home in the dark foggy evening. I stopped the car in front of his house, but he leaned back in his seat and snickered. "What?" I asked, already smiling a bit like I was in on the joke. "Just the memory of you falling down today. That's gonna be on replay in my head for a long time," he said and laughed. I rolled my eyes at him. I'd fallen down when we were hiking and faceplanted in a puddle. "Yeah, yeah," I sighed, a little embarrassed.

He took my hand then, which wasn't unusual, but it made me tense this time. We were sitting in the dark, which somehow felt completely different from when we were holding hands when we were walking or sitting in broad daylight. It felt more intimate. He was also sitting very close to me. I could feel his warm body next to mine. "Does it make you uncomfortable?" he asked in a quiet voice. "No… it's just that…" I hesitated. Could I tell the truth? When I was with Jacob we were in our own little bubble, and in that bubble I felt almost whole again. The nightmare still tortured me at night, and I still needed running and excessive studying to keep myself distracted enough to function, but in those moments when we were together, it wasn't like that. It was such a relieving break for me.

But there was a big elephant in the bubble with us. Jacob obviously had a crush on me, and I knew I could never return it. He deserved so much better than me. The least I could give him was the truth. "I just think it means something different to you than it does to me," I said and sighed. Jacob had a confidence that was hard to break though. "Sure, sure," he said dismissively, and then added "I'll wait," with a grin. I shook my head, and I could feel the fear of losing him closing up my throat, but it still needed to be said. "No. I don't think there's anything to wait for, Jake. I don't think it'll ever change. I'll always be like this, and that's not enough. I'm not enough for you, or for anyone."

He was quiet for a little while, and I peeked up at him. He was looking at my face with a small smile on his lips, warm and compassionate. Then his smile faded a bit. "It really messed you up didn't it?" I turned away from him and wrapped my free arm around my stomach instinctively, and sure enough, the hole started to ache. "Yeah," I answered, not really trusting my voice enough for a longer response. "I'll never forget that day," he said, and the surprise distracted me from the pain – for a second. "What day?" I asked, but of course I knew which he meant. "I was there, when everyone was looking for you. I remember Sam walking out of the woods, carrying you. For a second I thought – " but I interrupted him, "I don't want to talk about that Jake." I tightened the grip around my stomach. He nodded and the car was quiet for a long moment.

I was trying desperately not to break down in front of him. He started stroking his thumb up and down my hand, and it was a little comforting. "Why do you do that?" he asked, and I looked up to see his eyes on the arm I had wrapped around myself. "You do that sometimes… when something's bothering you," he added. I hesitated, but I didn't have the energy to lie. "Sometimes it feels like I'm breaking into pieces. It feels like I have to hold myself together, or else I'll fall apart," I answered honestly and closed my eyes. He was silent for a minute, and my eyes were close so I didn't know what his face was expressing. "I'll never do that to you. You know that right? I'll never hurt you." I looked up at him and he looked into my eyes with a sudden fierceness. I just nodded, unsure of my voice. I knew Jacob would never hurt me. He was my sun, and even though we'd only been close friends for a few weeks, it felt so permanent. Like we would be together forever.

With… him… it never really made sense that he wanted to be with me. Even though him leaving me was a shock, it wasn't really surprising to me in hindsight. With Jacob, our relationship, even though it was incomparable in so many ways, made all the sense in the world. I was sure of him. I was selfish for keeping him, but I couldn't help it. I needed him too much.

Which is why it was so agonizing that my love for him couldn't be the strongest. I didn't even try to picture myself loving him the way I'd loved… Edward. It hurt to think his name, but Jacob's presence kept the pain at a distance. That was another thing I was sure of; that the love I'd felt then and still felt now was something I'd never feel for anyone else.

I let my head fall to the side and land on Jacob's shoulder and sighed in both pain and relief. At least I had Jacob. It was more than I'd even hoped to wish for.