author note: I'm taking this a little bit of a different direction than I planned and it will be longer because of it. Please read the warnings - this story involves infidelity and people will get hurt.
There's something bothering her, something feels off. Nothing is screaming that something is wrong, it's quite, small, nipping at the edges of her consciousness, and Serena can't quite figure out why things feel a little uneasy. She tilts her head to look across the taxi at her husband who is gazing out the window as they head to the Van Der Woodsen apartment.
"The kids Skyped with me before I came to the airport," Serena says into the silence. "Atticus had been out surfing and Daisy was immersed in the work the school sent her to prepare her for classes in a couple weeks."
Serena isn't sure if Dan has even heard her. He keeps staring out the window. She swallows, thinking that maybe he's tired from the conference, jet lagged, and all he needs is a good night sleep. The silence fills the taxi again and Serena feels vaguely uncomfortable, so she tries to think of something to say to fill that void. She had already asked about the conference, and were they going to option his book as they walked side by side down the concourse. She had told him that the movers would be at the house in LA to pick up their boxes in two weeks while they waited for his suitcase at the carousel. She'd mentioned that the kids were not sure how they were going to fit in, being California West Coast kids as they walked through the parking garage towards the taxi pick-up. She told him that Eric was doing pretty good with watching them as they slid into the back seat and she gave the driver the address.
"Oh!" Serena says suddenly, something popping into her head that she'd kept trying to remember to tell Dan when she saw him after he came back from Paris, "you would never guess who I saw a couple days ago. I was coming out of Barney's and we just ran into each other. Totally random."
She thought he might turn his head and ask her out of curiosity who she ran into but Dan continues to gaze out the window, and she thinks he's not really listening.
"Blair!" Serena blurts out. "Blair Waldorf, I mean I guess she's been Blair Bass for a while now. After all these years, there she was on the sidewalk. Can you believe it?"
Dan turns to look at her and the uneasiness is still there. His face is unreadable in the darkness of the tax, only illuminated by the street lights as they flash by, and for a moment she thinks she sees something pain in his eyes but then they're back in the darkness and she thinks she must be wrong.
"Blair?" he says sounding a little tense, or tired. Serena can't quite identify the tone. "You ran into Blair?"
"Crazy, huh?" Serena answers. "I told her we're moving back. We really should try to see her and Chuck when things settle down. I mean, if Chuck is around. She said he's away on business a lot."
She feels like she's chattering nervously, which is strange because this is her husband. They've been married for over ten years and have 9 year old twins. Why is she feeling so on edge around him? Finally Serena just asks if he's okay. Dan gazes at her and then he smiles one of his familiar smiles and Serena feels herself relax a little. He's tired, he tells her. Travel never really agrees with him anyway and the conference was more intense than he expected. Serena reaches across the seat to place her hand on his thigh, rubbing it briefly. The kids won't be coming for two more weeks, she tells him. They can relax and he can get caught up on sleep. Dan takes her hand in his and leans towards her, placing a kiss softly on her cheek.
"I love you," he says, "You know that, right?"
The unease flickers again as Dan watches her. She pushes the feeling aside and nods her head.
"Of course, darling." she says. Of course she knows he loves her. She's never doubted it.
They arrive at the Van Der Woodsen apartment. Lily and Rufus are in Burgundy and will be there until after the crush and had said that Dan and Serena could use their apartment until they found their own place. Serena thinks that it feels both familiar and strange as the elevator doors open. The entire apartment has been redecorated recently and it's been updated. Rufus had a couple of the guest rooms converted into a recording studio. Lily had worked with one of New York's up and coming designers to give the whole place an updated feel. But it was also still the place she had grown up so there are things about the space that still feel like home.
"I put all our stuff away," Serena says as Dan deposits his carry-on and suitcase in the entryway, "we're using Lily and Rufus' bedroom and the kids will be in the mine and Eric's old rooms. Funny, coming back here to live after all these years, huh?"
Dan looks at her and doesn't answer. He just looks at her, his eyes taking in her face, then walks forward and takes her face in both his hands, cradling it, and places a soft kiss on her lips then pulls back, still looking at her. Serena blinks in surprise and watches him.
"I'm sorry, Serena," Dan starts. "I...I just...I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Serena whispers. "It's really okay. You're tired. It's been a long day for you and I've been bothering you by prattling on about all sorts of things."
His mouth opens as if to say something then closes again, looking at her. Then he agrees with her.
"Yeah. Tired."
"A good night's sleep. That's what you need. It will all feel better in the morning. He smiles, a wry little twist of his mouth as if she's said something unbelievable. Serena reaches out and smooths an unruly curl from his forehead. "Just some sleep. It's going to be okay."
Everything is better in the morning. The sun is shining brightly and Serena wakes to the smell of waffles. She stretches out her hand and the other side of the bed is smooth and unwrinkled. Dan had told her that despite being tired, he needed to send a quick email to his editor so Serena and crawled into bed and thanked the universe that her mother has amazing taste in linens as she sank into the soft, comfortable bed. Now she realizes that the other side has been left undisturbed overnight. Serena frowns a little then the smell of waffles wafts stronger and whatever had been bothering her slips away.
"I thought since we were back in New York I'd make a classic Humphrey breakfast," Dan says to her as she pads barefoot into the kitchen. Serena wraps her arms around Dan's waist and plants a swift kiss on his unshaven, stubbly cheek.
"You didn't come to bed last night," Serena says as she breaks off a piece of warm waffle and shoves it in her mouth. Dan startles a little then smiles, a little forced.
"I ended up working later than I thought."
"The realtor is meeting me this morning," Serena says, chewing, accepting Dan's explanation. "Then I'm going to see the my office at the magazine."
She was going to become the editor of a mid-level fashion magazine. That's why she and Dan were moving back to the city with the kids. It wasn't Vogue but it was a step towards Vogue. Serena had been making a name for herself in the fashion industry in L.A. and now it was time for her to conquer the East Coast as well.
Dan tells her he's going to hit up a few bookstores. Serena says she'll see him around dinner time and heads back to their room to shower and get ready for the day. As she showers, rubbing shampoo in her hair, she thinks of how amazing her life is. Nothing could be better.
The weeks goes by in a blur, busy with new job things and getting ready for the move. Dan is preoccupied, and Serena thinks he might be worried about his next book. He always gets a little moody when he's starting on a new idea. He stays up late and more often than not she ends up sleeping alone. She tells him that she's happy to get stretch out, but she wishes he wouldn't work so hard, and anyway he's missing out on Lily and Rufus' fantastic bed. He smiles at her and for a moment Serena thinks his smile looks strangely sad. She can't quite put her finger on it. Maybe it's about the move, leaving their friends in California.
That's when Serena gets the idea. The kids are coming in a couple days and they've found a place to live. Serena is getting more settle into her job, her desk is set up how she likes it, she's been attending meetings and she notices less curious eyes following her as she dashes around the office. She knows Dan has given up his friends, his writing buddies, who used to go out weekly for drinks in a local dive bar where they discuss literature, their projects and who the L.A. Times has lambasted in the recent week. He must miss that, so she decides they need to start finding some friends in New York, or maybe reconnect with some old ones.
She starts with Nate, taking a break from work to walk to the office of the Spectator. When she's ushered into his office, Nate leaps up and pulls her into a huge hug.
"S!" he exclaims, "When they told me who was here, I didn't believe it, but look, it's you!"
Nate is tanned and handsome as ever, dressed in a well-tailored business suit, and Serena's eye for fashion tells her it's custom made and very expensive. He's not wearing a tie and the white dress shirt underneath is open at the collar. Serena thinks that Nate should be the one in California, not her and Dan, with his bright white smile and blond hair.
He sits in one of the chairs opposite his desk and motions for Serena to sit next to him.
"It's been what, ten years?" Nate says, and he looks like he can't stop smiling. "You look amazing Serena, I mean you always have, but L.A. seems to agree with you. His eyes glance down at her left hand at her wedding ring, then back to her face. "And Dan? I saw his book came out and they might be optioning it."
"We're waiting to hear. He met with someone from the studio during a conference in Paris but they seem to be dragging their feet."
"And you. What are you up to?"
Serena smiles. "We're moving back!"
Nate is genuinely excited about her news. He tells her she's going to slip right back into the scene with no problem, but he'll also make sure she gets some party invites to help her along. They talk for a little while longer, Serena telling Nate about the twins, Nate telling her that he is currently living the bachelor life, which he said consisted more of working his ass off managing The Spectator with little time for dating or anything else. He said he still plays squash at the club. Serena is enjoying talking to him when she remembers why she made this visit.
"Hey," she says to Nate, tilting her head, smiling a genuinely warm smile, they kind where her eyes crinkle and is usually followed by a laugh, "I was wondering if you want to come over for dinner. We have a couple more nights before the kids arrive and everything gets crazy with settling into our new place, starting school, etcetera. Dan is missing L.A. and I was thinking he'd love to see an old friend."
Nate is all apologies when he tells her he can't. He's flying to Washington D.C. the next day to meet with some journalists about a story, but maybe when he gets back. Serena says they should get together for sure, stands up and hugs her friend goodbye.
"I've really missed you, S." Nate says as he embraces her. Serena realizes that he's missed him too. She thinks that moving back to New York is going to be okay.
That night she tells Dan all about seeing Nate.
"Really?" he says, "you just dropped in."
"You know me," Serena says, taking a sip of red wine. A case from Burgundy had arrived that morning, spoils from Lily and Rufus' ongoing trip, and she had decided she needed to make sure it was good. It was very, very good and Serena licked her lips. She noticed Dan watching her and normally the act of Serena licking wine off her lips would elicit a dirty comment of some sort, but he seems like he's far away, not really seeing her. The uneasiness returns but Serena pushes it down and takes another sip. "I thought he could come for dinner, you two could geek out over some new writer or politics or something else that you love to talk about. It would be fun!"
"Yeah," Dan says, still sounding a little distracted, "that sounds good." he goes back to preparing dinner as she continues to tell him about seeing Nate. As she's talking Serena regrets that it didn't work for Nate to join them for dinner, then another idea pops into her head and she thinks it might just work out.
"I know," Serena says, "I should see if my assistant can track down Blair's number. Maybe she can come over for dinner tomorrow night or the next."
The knife Dan's been using clatters onto the marble counter, making a sharp, startling noise that almost causes Serena to startle. His back has been turned to her while chopping the vegetables for the salad he'd planned for dinner and she can see it stiffen.
"No," he says spits out, the intensity of the word making the hair on the back of Serena's neck stand up. The entire mood has shifted with such suddenness Serena feels like her head is spinning a little. Seconds ago they had been chatting about her day and now Serena feels tension creeping up her body.
"Dan?" Serena says, her tone apprehensive. "What's going on?" She quickly tries to make sense of what's happening, feeling confused and off kilter. Is he sick, having a heart attack, does she need to call 911. Dan turns around to face her and Serena almost jumps at the look on his face. It's full of pain and sorrow and guilt, and she feels afraid and wants to reach out to him all at the same time.
"Not Blair," he says quietly and with so much hurt. Serena's confusion lingers for a few long seconds more as she tries to make sense of what he's saying. Not Blair. Why not Blair. Why is her husband looking at her like that.
"I'm sorry," Dan says, and the words sound like they're being ripped out of somewhere deep inside of him. What is he sorry for, why is he saying he's sorry, and then slowly Serena starts to feel understanding grip her as he looks at her, saying nothing, just staring at her and she feels hot and cold all at once and this can't be happening to her, not her.
"I can't. I can't do this."
He means them. He can't do this. Serena, the kids. Serena feels a sob building at the base of her throat and tears sting her eyes.
She has the perfect life, the perfect marriage, except the way Dan is looking at her, none of that is true anymore. All of it hangs in the balance. And that's the moment Serena realizes that she should have been paying more attention to that nagging feeling that something was off, that vague discomfort that's been telling her something was wrong. Something is indeed very wrong.
TBC
