Resurrected
Part 2
Rage
Give me release
Witness me
I am outside
Give me peace
Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to believe that I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides.
(Delirium ft. Sara McLachlan)
Chapter One
"How was I raised?" Buffy asked, catching Willow by surprise. The young witch looked to Giles, then Dawn. Buffy noticed the exchange and followed the gaze to her mentor and sister. "It is sort of important to me." She looked back to her friend. "I…I don't hold it against you, Willow, but I need to know."
"We repeated the spell the monks used to create Dawn…..or as near to it."
"Willow took some of my blood to recreate your being," Dawn picked up. "It seemed logical since I was made from you."
"I know of the spell," Quentin added unexpectedly. He had remained quiet having failed to talk Buffy out of seeking revenge on Wolfram and Hart. He would rather she declare her allegiance to the elders of the Council against the recent usurpers. "You played with high stakes, young lady," he directed at Willow. "A part of me is highly impressed, but I cannot help but wonder what the repercussions will be." Willow failed to betray surprise or puzzlement. "Nature exists as a balance," Quentin continued for everyone else's benefit. "Life cannot just be created from nothing without her wanting it; it tips the scale. She would seek to bring it back to an even keel."
At that moment Spike entered the shop, bursting through the door and throwing off the large black cloak he had been using to shield his pale skin from the sun. "Why I chose to live in California, I don't know," he uttered before taking out a packet of cigarettes, extricating one and lighting it in one smooth well-practiced move. He took in a deep breath of smoke and tar and released it dramatically. "Hi guys, miss me?"
Willow looked over to him briefly. Buffy felt a surge of adrenaline but kept herself in check. She felt ashamed and embarrassed of her violent reaction the day before, yet part of her wanted to repeat the act. Dawn's face lit up, however. "Hi, Spike, come and join us," she beckoned. Buffy knew that the vampire had looked out for her sister in her own absence. As such, she vowed to treat him better; it was what he deserved after all he had done, but which she had failed to acknowledge so far.
They were all taken unawares again by a violent flash of light from the far end of the shop. From out of the glare a figure could be seen to form, until a young man stood before them, familiar to only Quentin and Buffy. Thomas' form shimmered. His body alternated from bright white to the colour of his clothes as the spell tried to hold steady.
"After such a light show you are still a disappointment, Thomas," Quentin spoke.
"Hi, Quentin, good to see you too. How's the troop rallying going?" The vision surveyed the shop. "They don't look that rallied to me." His eyes rested on Buffy. "Hello again, Buffy. You left this morning without saying goodbye. That's very hurtful. Was I not…good?" Buffy stood motionless. "I don't know about you, but I had a wonderful time. You're quite safe, Quentin, but be careful Rupert, this one's quite a minx."
"Willow," Buffy pleaded to her friend.
The Wicca lifted her right hand, palm facing the unwelcome watcher.
"I can't believe I seduced a Slayer," Thomas said before he noticed Willow.
His mocking smile strengthened Willow's confidence and she added a little flourish to her spell with a dismissing flick of her wrist. Thomas appeared to catch fire from his feet upwards. He screamed and broke the link. Willow staggered backwards but was surprisingly caught by Quentin.
"Are you alright?" He asked.
"Yes, thank you," she replied wiping a trail of blood from her nose.
"Promise me you'll never do anything like that again, and you know what I'm talking about."
Willow smiled. "Yessir. He won't forget it though, will he?"
"Almost certainly," Quentin smiled.
They both then turned their attention, with the others in the room, to Buffy. She stood silent and everyone held his or her breath.
"You slept with him!" Spike yelled at her, his arms swaying wildly. "You didn't waste your bloody time! When did you have time to do that, for fuck's sake?"
Buffy went from momentary shock to rage. "When did I have the time?" She matched his volume. "I beat the crap out of you last night, then had sex with Thomas and came back here, how about that or do you want a minute by minute recap?"
"I don't know you any more!"
"No? What do you want in a slayer, Spike? I can do demure or I can do killer." She
glared at the vampire. "I can do Boxer Chinese; all graceful moves and doomed beauty or…" she closed the gap between them and pushed him to the wall, "…or I could be a New York street Punk; instinctively violent. The violence turns you on, admit it!" She levelled a punch to his face and stepped back.
"What are you talking about?" Spike wiped blood from his lip.
"Memories! Not mine, I grant you, but they're in my mind never the less. You cut quite a figure back in the 70s; the Billy Idol look became you. I can almost sense your victim's arousal with your arm around her neck ready to snap it…."
"Stop it! That's not me! Not any more…."
"It's not me, either! But, I have the memories…..all their memories. I remember your hands around my throat and your teeth in my neck. I remember a score or more other equally violent deaths at the hands of opponents more vicious than you. I…I can't get their deaths out of my head…..you're not the only one who has been inflicted with the need to seek redemption."
"Redemption from what?"
"From trying to renege on my duty."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know," Spike said quietly. "But, why do you have to be someone else? Why can't you be Buffy?"
"What, Little Miss Futile Gesture? She's dead. You buried that little girl. I didn't claw my way out of the ground to resume where she left off." She looked around at her silent friends. "Don't look at me like that," she pleaded. "I won't be judged!" She backed away as though she were trying to make space for a battle.
"It's all right, Buffy," Giles placated. "We're just shocked that you would let yourself be seduced…"
"I wasn't seduced!" She spat back angrily. "I wasn't seduced," she repeated quietly. "I….I was lonely. I was….."
"Horny," Spike butted in.
"I was….upset. I needed to forget; to take my mind off…Anyway, I chose two hours of meaningless sex," she ended defiantly.
"Two hours!" Anya repeated in a high pitch tone. "Sorry," she apologised quickly afterwards and sunk back into her chair, but eyed Xander at the same time.
Buffy still felt everyone's judging eyes. "It felt good, damn it! It was good sex and I was in full control!"
"Way to go B," came a voice from the doorway.
Buffy turned round. "Oh yes, I forgot to mention, Faith's back."
-/-/-/-/-/-/-
"Hi, everyone. I bet you didn't expect to see me again," Faith said with an impish smile.
"Oh, I don't know," Xander commented. "You always seem to crop up when we least expect it."
"Hello, Xander and how are you? Fancy another tumble? Now, if you want to talk about seduction…"
"You slept with her!" Anya faced her fiancé.
"It was nothing," Xander said hopefully.
"Oh, thanks for that," Faith added putting on a mock hurt expression.
"What I meant was, it happened so quick…..although not that quick, you understand….."
Faith laughed and Xander shrunk back into the shadows.
"What are you doing here, Faith?" Giles asked to break the farce.
The rogue slayer sat on one of the vacant chairs. She sat up straight with her hands placed on her legs, as though attending an interview. The others scraped their chairs into a semi-circle facing her to strengthen the analogy. Faith explained how she was removed from her cell and transported to a holding point. She had originally thought she was being sent to a more secure unit, as punishment for her behaviour on sensing Buffy's death. Giles and Quentin showed special interest at this revelation. They were unaware that such a link existed between slayers, but then two had never existed at the same time since Buffy had been called. Giles wondered whether Buffy had sensed Kendra's demise.
"So who took you?" Willow asked.
"I'm guessing the Council…..the rebels, I mean," Xander turned to Quentin awkwardly.
Faith looked puzzled. "We'll explain it later," Giles rescued her. "Was it a watcher, do you think?"
"Don't think so. I would have thought they'd like me dead….it's a popular aspiration these days," she added bitterly. "No, these had the look of our friendly neighbourhood lawyers."
"Wolfram and Hart again." Giles uttered.
"The very same. They wanted me to be their pet slayer, offered me an apartment and all."
"Why didn't you accept?" Xander ventured.
"Been there, done that, remember. Besides, I'm trying to reform. What's up?" She asked smiling, when a sea of doubting looks met her declaration. "You cynical bastards, you've hurt my feelings. What is this, pick on a slayer day?" She stood up and placed an arm round Buffy, who couldn't help but smile in return.
"So, you have all the memories of past slayers," Xander directed at Buffy. "That's so cool, like a Trill in Deep Space Nine," he added enthusiastically.
"Yea, really cool," Buffy mimicked sarcastically. "I can remember all their battles and their painful deaths, and if you compare me to a character from Star Trek again, Xander I swear I'll….."
"Set your phaser on kill?" Faith offered.
"OK," Buffy held her arms up in mock surrender, "I'm going out back to beat a wooden post to death."
Chapter Two
Later that day, as the sun was starting to get low in the sky, Buffy pulled up alongside Faith. The younger slayer had to step back as the vehicle mounted the kerb. Buffy got out of the car and stood facing her former adversary.
"Ready?"
"Yea. Oh hell, Buffy, I've only just come from LA. I feel like a commuter going back so soon."
"I will have my revenge, Faith. I will get even. They will regret they ever contemplated using me. If it means I die trying….."
"Oh, don't die again, please. That would be so boring," Faith interrupted.
Buffy laughed. "Oh, Faith this is going to be fun!"
"Be careful, Buffy. You don't want to end up like me."
"They declared war on us. You were right, all those years ago; we're slayers! That's got to mean something, that we're special, or why else do we do it?"
"OK OK, I'm encouraged, but we're going to need a bigger car," Faith added looking over Buffy's shoulder.
Buffy turned round to see Giles, Willow and Xander approaching. She had to try hard not to show her relief and joy.
"Did you really think we wouldn't come with you?" Willow asked, her expression just as Buffy remembered it from the early days.
"Not for a second," Buffy responded stretching her hand out to her friend.
"Liar," Xander added surveying the car that was obviously too small to fit them all.
"Spike should be here soon with something more suitable," Giles offered.
Buffy walked up to the Watcher. She looked up at his eyes trying to discern his thoughts. "The Council won't approve of you taking part in my little war. Quentin would prefer you…..and I. …. tow the party line, rather than go for Thomas head on."
"The Council are dithering procrastinators!" Giles replied heatedly. "Their muddy thinking and inefficiency has held us back more than aided."
Buffy laughed. "Dithering procrastinators? That'll do it, for sure. You don't mind if I use sticks and stones, though, huh?"
At that moment a large camper van pulled up. Blackened windows revealed it was the Spike's chosen mode of transport. The door opened to reveal the vampire sitting proud. "What do you think?" He asked, his arms out stretched inviting the others to take in his acquisition.
"A Winnebago?" Faith was the first to respond, her tone incredulous.
"But, Faith," Xander uttered. "What better way to wage war than in a Winnebago?"
"Please! That's far too much alliteration for my fragile being," Giles groaned.
"I think it's a wonderful way to wage war," Willow added, "…in a Winnebago," she tailed off with a guilty smile.
"With a Watcher and a witch," Xander continued.
"Don't worry, Giles," Spike said from the front seat. "I'm rather surprised these products of American education know what alliteration means."
"Excuse me!" Xander spoke up. "May I defend my generation and say, hey!"
"Oh, well argued that man."
Buffy opened the side door to the van. "Well this banter is fun, and to think I could be dead and missing it, but could we get going?"
"I'm coming too," came a voice from behind them. Dawn stood with a small travel bag slung over her shoulder.
"Dawn, pet this is….."
She glared at Spike, daring him to continue.
"Dawn, you can't come," Giles said. "You know it's too dangerous and…."
"I'm nearly sixteen, the same age Buffy started slaying."
"That's not the point….."
"She can come," Buffy interrupted. She smiled at her sister and took her hand to guide her into the van. "We travel together."
-/-/-/-/-/-/-
It was dark on the road Spike chose to take to Los Angeles. The near totality of the desert night was in sharp contrast to the harsh over-bright interior of the van. Despite the relative limited space, the gang had split into two groups; Buffy sat with Giles whilst Faith sat with Willow and Xander.
Dawn was behind the curtain, sitting with Spike at the front. "Don't you find it lonely driving along empty roads, across emptier spaces?" She posed to her protector.
"I find it strangely soothing actually. Probably the angst ridden poet in me," he smiled. He drove with one hand on the wheel. The other held a cigarette. For Dawn's benefit, he blew the smoke out the open window beside him. "Early morning is best, just as the sun is starting to appear on the flat horizon. It paints long shadows of any object that punctuates the surroundings. And, if it has been raining the night before, or there has been a heavy dew, the trees steam as it rises. It creates an almost primordial feel."
Dawn was mesmerised by the unusually eloquent vampire sitting next to her. A sense of sadness threatened to overcome her. She felt the need to add something equally profound. "LA must be a stark contrast."
"LA? LA's a neon wrecked, ad bombarded city. Kind of like London's Soho, only ten times bigger. I like it."
"So do I," came a voice from behind. Faith's head poked through the curtains. The slayer sat between Dawn and Spike and helped herself to one of vampire's cigarettes. "LA feels real, unlike the picket fence blandness of Bedford Falls-lite Sunnydale."
"But, it must be dangerous there. More crime and more demons and…."
"The world outside can be breathtakingly beautiful, Dawn even when it's being relentlessly brutal. Just look at Spike, for instance," Faith eyed the vampire teasingly.
Dawn resented the intrusion. "What's up, Faith, did you tire of Xander and Willow's conversation?" She asked petulantly and felt childish afterwards.
The slayer eyed the younger woman then glanced back at Spike. She then gave Dawn a knowing look, realising she had interrupted something. She smiled at the obvious infatuation Dawn had for the man driving the van. "I don't think Willow has forgiven me for the way I treated Tara the year before last and Xander probably thinks I'm going to jump his bones again," she winked at Dawn, who couldn't help laughing at the vision that played across her mind.
"This is fun," Faith uttered. "It feels just like old…." She briefly went serious as though trying to conjure up memories. "Well, it's probably just like old times would feel like." She finished and sat back in the seat. She puffed on her cigarette and put her feet up on the console.
-/-/-/-/-/-/-
"Thank you," Buffy said simply to Giles as they sat at the back of the van, in its only bedroom.
"For what?" He asked curiously.
"For not saying we shouldn't go to LA. For not saying my duty lies in Sunnydale, by the Hellmouth. For not being Giles," she smiled at her last remark.
Giles stood up off the bed to leave. He looked down at his student. She was so tiny. The thought reminded him of Jenny, who so long ago had made the same comment before Buffy had left to face the Master. "I have long stopped underestimating your judgement and intelligence and commitment. Your desire to rid the world of Wolfram and Hart is understandable. I am very proud of you, you know?"
"Stop it," Buffy looked away. "You'll make me blush and that does lousy things to my complexion. Seriously though, I need to do this. Since I came to Sunnydale all those years ago I feel I haven't looked forward. I need to strive for something."
"It hasn't been all bad has it?"
"No, of course not. There have been some wonderful moments. Lousy half hours, but wonderful moments."
Chapter Three
Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus…To the lepers in your head?
Did I ask too much?
More than a lot?
You gave me nothing.
Now it's all I got.
We're one…But we're not the same.
We hurt each other…Then we do it again.
(U2)
"There it is," Faith said unnecessarily.
Her and Buffy had decided to spend their first night back in Los Angeles wandering the streets, gauging the City they had been absent from; Buffy had only briefly returned a year ago to chase Faith. The younger slayer had of course been incarcerated since then.
"It's…..it's not what I was expecting," Buffy responded.
"It's impressive, I have to admit. The inside is fairly opulent as well." Faith looked to her companion. "I'm off to find a club, interested?"
Buffy did not respond straight away, but rather continued to stare ahead. She eventually turned to Faith. "No….no I think I'll hang around a bit. You go ahead."
"OK, see you later then." Faith ambled off.
Buffy craned her neck up to the top of the building. It swayed in the dark cloudless sky as her body rested its weight from one foot to the other. Her line of sight then followed the sleek concrete and glass down to the ground and her eyes rested transfixed on the large neon sign that read 'Wolfram and Hart, Attorneys at Law'. She finally dragged herself away from the site and headed back into the city main.
She picked the first bar she came across. She squeezed pass revellers, who could have moved out of her way but who felt it more fun initiating body contact, for whatever lonely or perverted reason. She finally reached the bar itself.
"Jack Daniels please," she asked not meeting eye contact with the barman, her attention elsewhere instead.
"Are you old enough?"
Buffy looked up at him, only just making out his features through the reflection of light bouncing from the large mirror behind him. "Does it matter?" She posed.
"'Suppose not," he conceded and placed the order in front of her and went on to the next customer.
-/-/-/-/-/-/-
The kiss was passionate and tasted of her bourbon and his tequila. He returned the passion. Buffy draped her arms over his shoulders and lifted herself off the stool she had been perched on for nearly two hours. Her legs were wrapped round his torso and he held her waist as they continued the final act of the play that had started with drunken flirting and the obligatory exchange of lies. The stranger lowered her back to the barstool and stepped back slightly to enable him to drain his glass. He looked at the blonde staring provocatively back at him. He could read nothing behind those eyes and preferred it that way. He reached out a hand and traced one finger under her neck and down her front. She turned to the bar and finished her own drink, then stood to face him. She was petite to his average height and reached up on tiptoe to initiate another embrace. He reciprocated willingly.
"Hey, get a room, why don't you," the barman commented from behind. He had been witness to the two-way seduction for the last hour and was getting bored of it.
The man placed a number of dollar bills on the wood surface, all the time not taking his eyes off Buffy. He was about to lead her from the bar when she stopped. "Come on now, darling you don't want another drink. Let's go somewhere…..Hey where do you think you're going?" Buffy had relinquished her hold from the mutual attraction and seemed to be staring at something. "Hey…." The man repeated. A little more annoyed this time.
"I've…..I've got to go now," was all Buffy said in response.
"Like hell!" He argued and grabbed her by the arm. "I've invested too much money on you the last hour to be teased off just like that." He tried to swing her round but she moved of her own volition.
"I said I've got to go!" She shouted and pushed him. He went flying back, his feet lifting off the floor.
Buffy did not see him fall as she was already heading to the door. She entered the street. The humidity of the night air, after having been cocooned in the air- conditioned bar, hit her full on. She took a sharp intake of breath to cleanse her lungs of cigarette smoke and bourbon.
"What is it with you?" She demanded of the figure standing before her and whom she had noticed a few minutes earlier. "Do you consider it your task to be the Summers' guardian angel? Well, you may not have noticed, but I died recently which is not an encouraging track record, huh? And where is Dawn right now?"
"She's at Angel's" Spike responded calmly.
"Yeah? Is that entirely safe? I mean, he has a reputation for seducing cheerleaders, don't you know?"
"Let's go to the hotel."
"But I'm having fun."
"You're drunk."
"That's a part of the fun process," she said finally and turned away from him, leaving Spike standing.
"I thought you came here to beat the crap out of Wolfram and Hart."
"They'll still be there tomorrow. It's not as though they're in hiding," she replied without turning round.
-/-/-/-/-/-/-
Buffy emerged from the replacement bar she had found shortly after leaving Spike an hour earlier. She maintained an exaggerated steady pace as she started her journey to the hotel.
"Are you coming or not?" She asked.
Spike stepped out of the shadows and assumed a position at her side. "What's up, don't know your way?" He asked calmly.
"No. I should get back anyway, in case they all worry about me." They walked for a few minutes until Buffy stopped. She faced Spike. "Thank you….for looking after Dawn, I mean."
Spike shrugged his shoulders. "In truth, she probably looked after me more. We better get back just in case she needs you."
"I didn't mean it back there…..what I said about her being in danger with Angel and…."
"It's not him I'm worried about. When I left, Cordelia was saying something about always wanting a kid sister and braiding her hair or something."
"And you left her there!"
-/-/-/-/-/-/-
"You reek of spirits," Cordelia admonished turning up her nose. She was standing with Gunn by the reception desk.
"Why, thank you, Cordelia. It's good to see you too."
"You're drunk!"
"And you're vain and imperious, but I'll be sober in the morning." Buffy staggered back a couple of steps, a wide smile on her face. "Wow, that was an ambition achieved." She meandered her way to the main staircase.
"What happened to you, Buffy?" Cordelia asked after her sadly.
Buffy misinterpreted her tone. "What, in general or just tonight?" She countered dangerously. "Keep up woman!"
"Hey!" Gunn spoke up for his colleague.
"Who are you?" Buffy directed at the stranger. "I..Don't..Know..You!"
"I know Angel."
"So? That makes you just half relevant here then, doesn't it."
"Buffy, calm down," came Giles' voice from half way up the staircase.
She picked up an ornament and threw it against the far wall.
"OK, now that was an antique," Cordelia commented.
"I will not calm down! Faith showed me where our enemy have been hiding out."
"Who?" Gunn asked.
"Wolfram and Hart! Do you know where?"
"In…."
"Yes! In a fucking great skyscraper! Hardly covert, huh? Why have they been allowed to operate for so long? You've been here nearly three years!"
"I seem to recall that Angelus was given free reign for nearly a year, and he lived in a fucking great mansion!" Cordelia responded angrily.
Buffy swept another object on to the floor in her rage and reeled back with the effort and with the effects of the alcohol in her bloodstream. She caught sight of her sister standing with Giles. A wave of shame and embarrassment flowed over her and she averted her gaze, only to see Angel standing in the doorway. Buffy fled in the direction of the hotel kitchens. The vampire followed her.
-/-/-/-/-/-/-
Angel found her standing with her back to him. She heard his approach echoed off the stainless steel appliances all around her and the hanging pans and implements.
"What do you want, Angel?" she turned and faced him defiantly in an attempt to dismiss him.
He moved closer to her but she responded by stepping back. "It's good to see you. I…..when Willow told me you had died…I….."
"Yeah? Well I'm back again. Did you really think a little thing like death would keep me down? You really don't know me, do you?"
"I've missed you."
"That's nice, thank you."
"I love you."
"Love you too, but aren't I bit old for you?" She said cruelly but her eyes fixed on his betrayed her. She turned away from him and made to leave by the fire exit.
"Are you saying you don't have any feelings for me any more?"
Buffy swung round suddenly. "Of course I still have feelings for you." Her voice broke with the intensity of her reply. "I love you. My whole being aches so much that even when I'm making love to someone else, I can't forget you. But, I don't want to love you, Angel," she said desperately. "You're like a religion; I resent the need, the reliance, the limits your memory puts on me, but I can't live without you in my life!" Angel reached out a hand. "No!" She backed away in horror. "I stopped going to church long ago."
She backed away in fear of her own weakness and turned to the fire exit. She tried the release bar but it wouldn't budge. In anger and desperation, she drove her clenched fists into the wood, creating one then two then three holes in the surface. She cried with rage at her failure to extricate herself and leant her weight against the immovable barrier. Angel made up the distance between them and took hold of her arms. He pulled her round to face him.
Buffy looked up at him, allowing herself to be held in his embrace. She caught her reflection in his eyes and felt overcome with a beautiful, deep sorrow, with a sense of grief and loss and nostalgia. It was as though she had an aerial view of her life laid out before her. She buried her face in his chest and wept uncontrollably. Her knees gave way and Angel lowered her to the floor. Together they knelt in a tight embrace. Eventually Angel held Buffy at arms length to look in her eyes.
"It never ends," she uttered. "As much as I try to run, to hide…..to die! I'm dragged back. It never ends," she repeated quietly and he held her close again before standing up with her in his arms.
He carried her out of the kitchen and past the others still standing in the hotel lobby. He then took her upstairs.
"Poor Buffy," Wesley whispered. He had arrived shortly after Angel. "She tries with such touching desperation to escape her fate. It is heartbreaking to see her fail every time."
"Yeah, but she always seems to find someone to hold her; to carry her away," Cordelia commented. "It must be a gift."
-/-/-/-/-/-/-
Angel stood up to leave. He had laid Buffy on a bed in one of the many unused hotel rooms.
"Angel." He turned to her voice. "Am I doing the right thing?….going after Wolfram and Hart," she added at his questioning look. "Is revenge right?"
"Call it justice and it doesn't sound so bad."
"I only ask 'cos I'm having serious doubts right now. I mean, I was so angry….am still angry. Is this one man…..one person crusade right?"
"If we don't do it, no one else will."
"I suppose so," she accepted willingly.
Angel was about to leave again but turned round at the last moment as though hesitating to add something. "Buffy." She turned her head towards his voice. "It can end." Buffy regarded her ex lover questioningly, blinking at the light from the hallway as it framed him in the doorway. "I visited the Oracles this evening."
End of part two
