Disclaimer: I don't own copyrights on the story or characters featured in Gilmore Girls, however I have a fertile mind and a fan orphan heart.
A/N: How about this beginning? I think it's time to make things more complicated.
CHAPTER 2: IN MY OWN TIME
Emily was still staring at me and I couldn't bear to show any reaction. How does she know that? I thought. I couldn't believe mom had told her when I said very clear that I wasn't ready to discuss this to anyone. Unbelievable.
Emily's eyes looked as if they were about to pop clean out of their sockets. The curl from her lips was worse than I imagined. I was still petrified and my lack of words increased her impatience. Her authoritative tone clearly rang her complaints, demanding an explanation until I wished she would go back to keeping her voice down.
Thawing out of my frozen state, I scanned the scenery around us. It felt as if the whole town was watching us — I, almost naked in my mom's door facing my grandmother yelling about how inconsiderate I was for keeping my ultimate dirty secret from her. Clearly not happy, she managed to successfully engineer a masterful, dramatic street show.
The small crowd outside the house began to gather. Babette and Taylor were amongst them, gathering juicy material to talk about behind my back. I swore they almost couldn't quell the excitement on their faces by hearing the latest hot news, but at the same time - felt sorry for me. Why do these things happen to me? I asked myself. Yeah, I should've know I couldn't expect much from those blabbermouths anyway, but my eyes also met Lane's and a guilty feeling started to swell up inside me. Oh crap! Even I, would have trouble forgiving myself. Keeping this from Lane was a hard decision to make. I didn't want to talk about it, with anyone while I wasn't safe and I was too scared to be judged by everyone stood glaring at me.
I knew I should have told her before and I definitely had the opportunity. Seeing the puzzled feeling on her face stabbed me in the chest, a real physical pain. I'd known Lane forever and that definitely wasn't the way I wanted her to find out, or the whole freaking city for that matter.
Although all this was happening in a mere flash of seconds, it seemed like an eternal humiliation, leaving me restless and irritable. I knew I'd screw up by not telling Emily and my best friend the truth like they deserved, but this public freak show was completely ridiculous and already had gone too far.
"Grandma, shut up!", I screamed back. Emily was bewildered and slightly offended. Her lethal stare felt painful and piercing, as if her glare was tearing my heart apart with a blinding teal light.
I placed my hands on her shoulders and felt her tense skin beneath my fingers.
"I know you're very angry right now and you have every right to be, but please let's take this conversation inside?" I took the situation under control and gave one last hard look to all of the outsiders. Some people scattered, embarrassed. Others waited until I slammed the door behind me.
Emily walked mute into the house stamping her feet; the lack of air between us was almost suffocating me. Okay, I knew this moment would come eventually, but I would deal with Lane later, she was the one who really mattered to me, not the others. Privacy never was Stars Hollow's biggest virtues.
I took a deep breath and looked to my grandma, standing still next to the couch with a desolated look. I could swear that something about her expression was haunting, as if she had any kind of hope this wasn't true before, but that was completely shattered. Mom probably wasn't the one who told her, she would be sure.
"Grandma, how did you find out?" I dared to ask.
"Well, Rory..." Emily sighed. She paused her voice dramatically, closing her eyes.
"When I think you and your mother don't have any more resources to embarrass me in front of the world, you do exactly the only thing I didn't expect from you, Lorelai".
She fired my name with criticism in disguise. I would take this comparison as a compliment if anybody else had made it, but coming from her with that lack of sensibility proved that Emily wanted to put me on the shameful granddaughter's feet.
I rolled my eyes, feeling the signs of emotional exhaustion reach me in such a short time. This was exactly the kind of confrontation I wanted to avoid - for now.
"Grandma, calm down. I don't want to fight with you. Can you at least hear me out? Who told you about the baby?" I insisted, crossing my arms.
"Dr. Frank told me, Rory, or should I start to call you Lorelai for now on?" She muttered venomously.
"Ok, grandma, quit the sarcasm. My mom didn't do anything wrong here, this isn't fair. I'm the only responsible for this, leave her out of it. Frankly, when are you going to leave this bitterness behind? It's time!" I spat.
I didn't intent to make this sound so harsh. That was the first time I faced grandma since I left her house. Emily was always high maintenance, but I had learned how to make it work, quite different from her relationship with mom. So far at least.
"Fine!" She relented.
"Rory, I was enjoying my wonderful meal at my favorite restaurant, when Dr. Frank and his plastic wife came in to talk to me. You know how I decided to step back the DAR's responsibilities after Richard died, but I still have a name to watch over. I will not let you throw this family's name out!" She yelled at me.
"Dr. Frank congratulated me for my first great-grandson. You called the family's doctor to make your examinations and you really thought I would not find out? I don't deserve this, Rory. No! You won't raise this baby alone like your mother did. I didn't even know you were seeing Peter again and now you are pregnant. I can't take this!" She gasped.
"Grandma, Paul and I aren't seeing each other again." I used my words cautiously trying not to provoke the beast further.
"Who is Paul?" She snapped irritably.
"Paul — the guy you met. His name is Paul, not Peter." I rolled my eyes.
"I really don't care about his name, I want to know if this man will take his responsibilities and raise this child with you." Emily shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly.
"No!" I enunciated to her disappointment.
Her eyes widened in panic, this conversation was a literal backdrop to her deepest nightmares.
I took in a sharp breath, before facing her again. "He won't raise this baby with me because he is not the father." I admitted, looking away from her. Hearing my own words made me feel ashamed and sad. I knew I'd be lectured anytime by now, but I would never get used to disappointing people.
Emily dropped her purse on the couch in to indicate that she didn't intend to end this conversation anytime soon. I cringed, but I didn't run.
"Rory, who is the father of this child?" She said slowly with a cold, deep voice. That wasn't good. I could see her mouth writhing in distress as she waited for an answer, her feet tapping restless, pupils dilated, and her eyebrows lifted.
"You'd better sit down." I gestured. She stared at me suspiciously, as if something very bad was about to come. Perhaps I should have taken her blood pressure. I searched for the right words to describe my messed-up life, but my hands were empty and waiting was never was one of Emily's strong points.
"Rory, for the love of God, who is this child's father?" She demanded.
"Logan!" I shot.
I would keep a picture, if that wasn't the most embarrassing moment I've ever had with Emily in my life.
"Logan? Like Logan Huntzberger?" She cocked an eyebrow and squinted her eyes, snorting
"Yes." I confirmed, avoiding her eyes.
"I'm sorry, what did you say? For a moment, I walked into a 2006 time machine and revived the memory of you sleeping with the Huntzberger boy again? Do you have a new pool sex house?" She snapped sarcastically.
"You are not deaf, grandma. Logan is the father." I glanced over at her face, still scowling underneath her stony expression.
She stared at me wordless, a brutal silence. Back then, I bet she'd be probably planning dinners and boasting to mom's face, celebrating that her precious granddaughter would marry into the family and give birth to a little Huntzberger. Emily changed after grandpa died. Logan and I too. It was such an ironic turn of events, that she got what she wanted when she didn't even want it anymore.
"But he is engaged." She finally spoke again. I had nothing to say in my defense, so I just stood still with my dropped head.
My head started to hurt and tears wanted to fall down my face. I was trying so hard not to cry, afraid of not being able to stop them. I had felt this way before. I've been in pain, but people still believed in me. Now, losing the respect of everyone I love, God, it hurt a thousand times more.
"What do you have to say for yourself, Rory? How this happened?" Emily didn't hide her disappointment.
"We ran into each other 3 years ago in a reunion, and then we had dinner. Logan wasn't dating her yet. We used to hang out whenever I was in London with a no strings attached agreement." I admitted things that she probably didn't want to hear; but since we were here in this place of cold truth, I wouldn't let anything stay unsaid.
"So you were OK with being the other woman and you had unsafe sex with him? He's a man of the world, Rory. Don't you have shame of this? How irresponsible can you be?" Emily interrupted me.
"Man of what?" I had no clue of what she was talking about.
"Man of the world! Don't pretend you don't know what that means, you are a grown up woman. We don't need a priest to talk about this anymore." She crossed her arms in front of her chest. Her eyes were brutal. The rigid stance like deadness, stillness.
"I wasn't the other woman," I barked. "Logan wasn't living a double life with me while dating her at the same time -it was a physical relationship, then she appeared and we were already involved."
Who am I kidding? I was the other woman indeed. I wasn't emotionally free of Logan, nor did I know if I was now.
"Involved? You were involved with a taken man?" She paused. "I was married to Richard for 50 years! 50 YEARS!" She yelled again. "Do you know how much your decisions of fooling around with an engaged man offend me? This is serious, Rory. Have you learned nothing from us? Marriage is serious, I thought you were serious, not some disposable girl!" I could tell she regretted her words straight away.
She caught me off guard. I never thought of myself that way. Not with Logan, or Dean. I knew I made mistakes, but I'd never meant to destroy someone's life, I just was carried away by my insecurities. I also knew it didn't make any difference, but coming from my own grandmother, it hurt.
I swallowed her words dryly. It tasted bitter, but it was enough to wake me up. I stared at her and let my eyes speak for me. She knew she had come on too strong , but didn't offer to apologize.
"I think it's time for you to leave, grandma." I stood up and walked toward the door.
I couldn't look at her. I wasn't some disposable girl and Logan never treated me such as. Did he? I pondered. That wasn't true, it couldn't be true. She didn't know him. I replayed the phrase in my head begging my feelings to be right. I'd heard enough.
Emily rose against her will and stormed out without looking back at me. I hated to fight with her, but I really needed some time alone. Plus, she didn't have the right to talk to me like that.
I headed back to the room examining the empty space around me. The house was so big when I was alone, but all that space wasn't close to the emptiness inside me. I looked myself in the mirror. The soft lines on my face should supposedly show my history, although this isn't the one I thought it would be. Will I be proud of the person I will be in 15 years?
After my face, I scoured the details of my body. When I was younger, I never liked how long my legs were, or how small were my breasts. This changed when I matured and I was more confident about who I was. My hands slipped to my belly and I began to get emotional. I turned my body sideways to the mirror and I rested my hands on it imagining how it will look months from now.
Anxiety ran over my skin, but in a good way. I was going to be a mother, like my mom did. That was really happening. I could do this, and nobody would say differently.
I felt peace for the first time. Maybe I just needed a passion in life, which wasn't journalism, but maternity. Tears spread down my face and I was no longer afraid of crying.
Satisfied, I decided to call Mom and share my insight. I'd been avoiding the subject with for the past weeks already felt guilty for telling her on the next morning of her wedding. She was supposed to be happy and I just made her more confused and worried. I wanted to make it right. My mother was the person I trusted the most.
I dialed the number, excited - but the picture on the screen wasn't the one I expected. Oh my God! What I've done? I called Logan. I jabbed my finger into the end call button repeatedly and I dropped the phone in a reflection of the fright. Am I so used to doing this, that it is my first cognitive response?
The phone only rang once, so I hoped he missed it and decided to pretend it had never happened. The shock started to give me a break, so I sat down on the bed and watched the overturned phone on the floor. My heart stopped when I saw the display lit up. Maybe it was Emily yelling at me again, mom checking me out, or Lane upset. I tried to convince myself, but deep down I knew it wasn't them. I reached the phone there was message — from Logan.
Is everything okay?
The message was short but meaningful. I didn't have the guts to respond. Instead I was trying to remember how to breathe and unable to speak, totally stunned at how fast he answered me. It didn't make sense. I probably left him worried, because I had no good reason to get in touch with him. At least that's what he probably thought.
It took me a long time to react, so I felt my phone vibrating again in my hands. He texted me again, but this time the message made me shiver even more.
I'm in Connecticut
A/N: The review button is so lonely ... maybe you should click it! :)
