Hello everyone! I am sooo sorry that this next chapter is going up so late. I've been super swamped with work. Also, every time I go to write it I just give myself feels and it ends with me sobbing over a romantic comedy and some ice cream...
I originally had a much longer chapter planned with more stuff but I decided to break it into two parts, so this is more of an exposition chapter (shit really hits the fan next time). Still, I hope you all enjoy and thank you all for being patient with me!
P.S. I apologize for any formatting issues. I had it all pretty in Word but whatever this site uses messed it up and I can't figure out how to fix it...
Over the next few weeks Cas slowly acclimated to being human. He'd done it once before, he told himself, during the apocalypse. Of course, then he'd still had his grace, still had some angelic qualities about him. Now he was firmly, solidly human. He was secretly glad that Jimmy's soul was no longer within him as he thought two human souls sharing the same body could get very awkward very quickly.
Still, even with Dean's assistance, he had some trouble. He was unused to having to eat and even having to sleep. There were times when he sat up at night, staring at the ceiling, lost in his own thoughts. Cas always felt exhausted and he wondered if people felt like this all the time. He had also discovered he had an unfortunate habit of fidgeting. Gone were the days where he was able to sit and meditate without moving a muscle for hours on end. He could hardly go fifteen minutes without fidgeting. Sam said it was because he was still getting comfortable in his own skin and would go away after a while. But it still irritated him. Especially when he didn't realize he was doing it and Dean would give him that look.
The one thing about living in the bunker that Cas found he truly enjoyed was Dean's cooking. The man certainly had a talent, probably from the many years of taking care of Sam and that year spent with Lisa and her time Dean made him something, the man would wait expectantly for Cas' opinion. He was beginning to suspect his friend didn't even realize he was doing it as when he asked about it, Dean had flushed and muttered some excuse about just trying to figure out what Cas could stomach.
About two weeks in Cas looked up from the book he had been flipping through to see Dean giving him a strange look.
"Is something the matter Dean?" Cas asked.
"We have to get you some of your own clothing," he replied.
"Why?" Cas tilted his head. "Yours fit me well enough."
Dean got that strange look on his face again and glanced away for a moment. "You can't keep wearing my clothes forever," he explained. "We'll go out later today and buy you some."
"What about Sam?" he asked.
Sam was getting better but it was a very slow process and Dean barely left his brother's side.
"He'll be fine for a few hours,' Dean shrugged. "Kevin can look after him."
"Alright…' Cas replied with a slight frown.
"Don't look so excited now Cas,' Dean said sarcastically. Then he leaned in a little closer. "What's wrong?"
Cas stared back at Dean. Even as a human it was still his favorite past time. He'd found that even without seeing the splendor of his soul, he could appreciate the physical beauty of his friend. He could admire the smattering of freckles across his cheeks and feel a slight sense of pride for putting that body back together. He shook the thoughts aside when he realized he'd been staring for longer than was socially acceptable.
"I'm afraid to go outside," he admitted. He kept going, even though Dean opened his mouth to protest. "I'm afraid of running into another fallen angel. Of being reminded of my guilt." It was a guilt that never left him.
His friend nodded and his green eyes regarded him thoughtfully. As an angel, he was always finding a different shade in those eyes and it pained him not to see the multitude of tones of green anymore.
"I get it," Dean said. "But you can't lock yourself in the bunker forever Cas."
"Why not?" he realized he sounded like a petulant child but he couldn't bring himself to care. That had been his plan. Admittedly, it wasn't a very good one. But he was planning on sticking to it.
"You have to face life sooner or later," Dean replied patiently. "Not gonna lie to you buddy, it's gonna be hard. In fact, it'll probably suck. And being human will take some getting used to. But I'll be here to help you. Sam too," he added as an afterthought. "And we'll find a way to get the angels back into heaven again. Get you your wings back."
"After all I've done, I no longer deserve to be an angel of the lord," he growled. He pushed away the book and stood. "Let's just go shopping." He didn't want to continue this line of conversation.
Dean sighed in a way that told him this wasn't over but stood and went to get the keys to the Impala. They rode in silence to the nearest clothing store and Cas spent a few hours trying on things Dean picked out. There was a huge amount fo plaid involved. There were times when he'd walk out of the dressing room and see that look on his friend's face again. It was a strange play of emotions that he couldn't quite identify. Dean always made his expression carefully neutral before Cas could figure it out.
To be honest, he'd seen that expression on Dean's face a lot in the past two years. But he'd been too consumed with his own guilt over what he'd done with the Purgatory souls to pay much attention. They'd also been running for their lives most of the time. And then Cas had had to deal with Naomi and didn't have time. Now he was still weighed down with guilt, but analyzing the mysteries of Dean Winchester seemed a lot more preferable to slowly spiraling towards madness and depression.
They purchased the clothing and then headed back to the bunker as Cas stifled a yawn.
"Hey, c'mon Cas, shopping isn't that tiring,' Dean teased good naturedly, glancing at him before focusing on the road again.
"I'm still not used to the whole sleeping thing," he said. It wasn't a complete lie. He was unused to actually having to sleep. If he wasn't staring at the ceiling all night, he'd pass out in a chair, the book he'd been reading still in his hands. He would wake up the next morning with a sore neck or back but he never complained. The worst part of sleep, in his opinion, were the dreams. More nightmares in his case. All he saw were his brothers and sisters falling, their wings engulfed in flames. Those nights he'd wake in a cold sweat, heart racing and a fresh wave of guilt crashing over him.
Dean shrugged and kept his eyes on the road. "Well that's what coffee's made for," was his only reply. The way he said it, it made Cas think Dean might've had some experience with nightmares too.
The weeks continued to pass and Sam slowly got better. He was up and about more and Dean was extremely grateful those trials hadn't done any permanent damage to his little brother. He was also glad he didn't have to worry about him as much anymore. Dean already had his hands full dealing with a depressed fallen angel. He knew Cas was having a hard time coping with his role in the fall of all angels. He could hear him shouting in the nights sometimes. And his friend was usually quiet but he seemed to be retreating back inside himself more and more lately. He was trying, but he didn't really know how to help. Especially since he had a feeling he'd need to get a handle on his own feelings first. And that was just something he didn't want to think about.
The days were starting to blend together for Cas. Sam got better and he was glad of that. His return to health signified the possibility of going on hunts. As much as he didn't want to run into any other angels, Cas was practically itching to get back in the game. He wanted to be out there, helping people, doing something. He and Dean had sparred a bit and he'd found that he still had his fighting instinct. His friend had actually grinned and laughed when Cas had managed to clock him. Dean had also shown him how to use a gun, now that he was more vulnerable. Cas still preferred knives and short blades, however, as that used to be his primary weapon. They'd found Cas was extremely proficient in his throwing skills, hitting the bulls eye every single time.
Amongst other things he was discovering about himself, Cas also found he had an affinity for running. He supposed that was how Jimmy used to stay in shape. Now every morning he'd join Sam for a few mile run. It was freeing, he thought. Castiel was always extremely aware of his heartbeat, his breathing, his feet pounding into the pavement or dirt. All this was just so…human. And he was slowly acclimating to being one now. It was also a chance to not think, for once. To just let go and enjoy the scenery and not think about his role in the fall of all angels.
Another few weeks passed before Dean dubbed Sam ready to go out on a hunt. A few mysterious deaths in Portland was to be their first case. Sam was pretty positive it was an angry spirit. A fairly simple job. Perfect for starting Sam out slow and easing Cas into the life of a hunter.
"We really need to work on your people skills,' Dean sighed as they walked out of the local police station.
Cas was still horrendous at lying and it had nearly blown the whole thing. And he still couldn't hold the FBI badge the right way, which Dean refused to think of as adorable. The case was fairly simple. The dead man in question, Mike Knowles, had shot his ex-girlfriend and her new paramour while they were in bed together before shooting himself. The two men had died but the woman, Veronica Summers, had miraculously survived. Within the past two weeks, two men who had come in contact with Veronica had died in the same manner: shot through the heart. The only problem was that Forensics hadn't found any gunshot residue or bullets at either crime scene.
Sam had gone to talk with Veronica while Dean and Cas checked with the police station. They were currently heading to a restaurant to meet with Sam and trade info.
They met Sam and were escorted to a table by a cute waitress who Dean didn't even look twice at. For some reason that made Cas hide a smile behind his menu. He didn't know why he was happy about it, he just was.
"So what's the deal with the Summers chick?" Dean asked after they'd ordered: a burger each for Dean and Cas, and a salad for Sam.
"Veronica's been taking it hard," he started. "She said she's been going out to bars recently, trying to get over the whole thing. Bother guys she's nearly hooked up with have ended up dead. But she had nothing to do with the murders. Didn't even know they were dead. She just thought these guys didn't call."
"So it's definitely the old boyfriend?" Cas asked.
"I'd say so. Apparently the guy was a raving lunatic. She said they'd broken up a few weeks before the attack and he didn't take it well. He started getting all stalkerish and said her new boyfriend wasn't good enough, wasn't safe," Sam explained.
"Wasn't safe?" Dean asked with a frown.
"She thought he had just gone nuts. But get this. Her new boyfriend had a history of violence. And according to an old yearbook I found, Mike and her new guy were friends in college."
"So Mike was telling the tryth?" it was Cas' turn to frown now. He much preferred dealing with demons. He wasn't much for the all the drama that seemed to be behind the majority of these spirit cases.
"Looks like it. Apparently, the night Mike went crazy, Veronica and her new beau got into a public argument and he smacked her around a bit," Sam explained.
Their food was delivered and they stayed silent for a moment until the waitress walked away again.
"So it is likely that Mike was witness to this fight and decided to take matters into his own hands since Veronica wasn't listening to him," Cas said as he picked up his burger.
"Sounds like you hit the nail on the head Cas," Dean said.
Cas felt a small glow of pride. He could do this. He could be a good hunter and help Sam and Dean. He could move on, save people and make up for his past wrongs.
"So where's this guy buried?" Dean asked Sam.
"Still working on that," he sighed. "Veronica said he'd been buried in Meadowbrook Cemetery on the south side of town. But the place is huge. I'm looking into getting a map for it as we speak." He gestured to his iPad.
Dean nodded and took a huge bite of his burger. They waited in silence for a little while until Sam spoke up. At one point Cas felt like someone was watching him and looked up from his burger to see Dean staring at him. When the other man realized he'd been caught he quickly looked away and took a gulp of coffee, avoiding Cas' curious gaze.
"Got it," Sam said and pulled a small pad of paper out to write down the location of the plot.
"Awesome," Dean said with a slight grin. "Let's go gank this son of a bitch."
