Chapter 2 – Dream or Reality?
When Bellamy woke up he was covered in sweat again. Still, he felt oddly cold. Letting his gaze wander aimlessly, his eyes fell on a door that had been built into the wall. Every bedroom on the Ark had had a wardrobe like this one. They were part of the walls that separated the living quarters from another; space after all had been precious and very limited.
Bellamy guessed there still had to be some clothes left in it since the final evacuation of the Ark had happened quite fast. None of the Arks inhabitants would've had time to pack all of their belongings. After slowly getting up from his bed, Bellamy opened the wardrobe and found at least some clothing: An extra pair of boots and two worn down, thin sweaters. That was all that the people who had spent their lives here had left behind. He took one of the sweaters and put it on.
It felt odd to him, getting dressed in a room on the Ark. Almost as if everything that had happened on earth had only been a dream. Bellamy stopped in his movements. It had been all too real. The people he had left behind that were either struggling to survive in a bunker or the ones that were already dead… like her… He swallowed past the lump in his throat before turning his back on the wardrobe, mentally preparing to get to their meeting, and left his bedroom.
As Bellamy started to make his way down the corridor, he tried to focus on the things they needed to discuss and work on today in order to survive. They had all agreed to daily meetings in the morning before breakfast to set up agendas and address any problems that might come up. Seven minds would work better than two; yet still, it was an unspoken agreement that Raven and Bellamy still were their leaders.
After Raven had passed out instructions and explained what each of them would have to work on today they sat down for breakfast. All of them were hungry but the room remained silent, each of the survivors still trying to process what had happened.
To Bellamy, food at first didn't seem very appealing. But he reminded himself that Octavia was on the ground, waiting for him. If she is still alive by then. The thought came unbidden into his mind and he tried to push it away, focusing instead of the promise of being reunited with his sister. He took a few spoons of their breakfast; some kind of military ration that – mixed with water – was similar to porridge. Bellamy quickly finished eating, gave a short goodbye to the others and headed off to the office like room he shared with Monty and Raven. They would at first need to run some calculations and check all the systems before beginning to plan rationing and word duties for everyone else.
He had finished his work in silence. Raven and Monty didn't try to talk to him either, conversing with each other only when necessary. They wanted to give him the space he needed. All of them still had to come to grips with the magnitude of what had happened, with their small victory in their fight for survival and what it had cost them.
Now Bellamy was on his way to his room, leaving the others to talk a bit among themselves. He felt dead tired. In addition, he also didn't feel like chatting with anyone about what had happened. Having all seen the fires there would only be two things to talk about, and he wasn't keen to think about either: The bunker and the nightblood solution. They would all be trying to cheer themselves up with hopeful thoughts that the bunker had been fully operational and that nightblood had already saved Luna. Bellamy couldn't stand the idea of getting his hopes up when most of the time he felt like Praimfaya had looked too deadly for any living thing or any building to outlast it. Every time Bellamy allowed himself to feel the tiniest bit of hope that the bunker might have survived, he remembered the flaming inferno that was covering the earth right now. As little as he wanted to think about it, his head told him to accept that Clarke just couldn't be alive anymore and that the chances were high his sister hadn't survived either.
"Eighteen dead." "Eighty-two alive. You did good here Bellamy." How she believed in him even when he himself could not. He had always drawn strength from that. But now, Bellamy didn't feel like he had done good. All he felt was the crushing thought that he had failed her. Again. After all they had already been through.
"I swear to God, if your mom doesn't sanction the mission, I'll be going by myself." "You won't be by yourself." Such a simple statement from her. Yet Bellamy had held onto it all this time, until now. Now he was by himself. His friends might be on the Ring with him but he needed Clarke, his trusted, strong co-leader… he needed his head.
These depressing thoughts weighed heavily on Bellamy's mind but he knew he had to do what Clarke told him: He needed to use his head if he wanted them to survive this. Right now, this meant that he had to push the fears that were constantly distracting him out of his mind and begin to focus on living through the next five years. The time to grieve had not yet come. A warrior doesn't mourn the dead until after the battle is finished. Octavia… Bellamy took a deep breath to clear his head and opened the door to his room.
For a moment he thought about getting the sweater off but as soon as he lay in bed, a shiver ran up his spine. Those sensations seemed to become a habit lately and Bellamy found himself wondering if he would ever feel really warm again. Loneliness overcame him and the never changing light in space made him miss the moon, the sun and the clouds; the light and the darkness they cast over the earth's surface. Being away from earth and the people he cared about that he had left there, Bellamy felt strangely removed from life itself; like he could just lay down here and never wake up again and no one would notice.
Pulling the sheets up he shook his head. There were people up here with him that were alive and cared about him. They were depending on him. Trying to regain the smallest bit of resolve he closed his eyes. However, as soon as he did, Bellamy saw the burning planet before his inner eye and every piece of hope he had had left shattered like breaking glass.
He caught her gazing into the thick green of the forest. Her eyes were widened and she looked like she had seen a ghost. Bellamy could imagine what was haunting her. He wanted to help Clarke. "Hey" he spoke up. Clarke quickly turned to look at him. At least he had been able to shake her out of her frightening thoughts. "Are you doing alright?" Bellamy continued, his voice a little softer. There it was again, her glancing quickly into the forest. Maybe she really had seen a ghost…
Just a moment later Clarkes eyes were fixed on the road ahead again. "Yeah" she answered abruptly. She was trying to cover her fear with bravery, strength and lack of emotion, just like she always did when others were around. Bellamy however, saw right through her. And as strange it sounded to himself, it wasn't until she had embraced him so wholeheartedly in Camp Jaha that Bellamy realized how much he needed her not only as a team-member and co-leader, but as his friend. They had grown closer after being separated and all he wanted was to help her out of the dark that seemed to envelop them ever since their landing on earth.
"You did the right thing." He tried to reassure her softly. "Now I get to live with it." was her harsh answer. She still tried to hide her emotions. Maybe that had been the reason why her answer to his plan of sneaking into Mount Weather would be carved into his memory forever. "I can't loose you too, okay?" After her abrupt tone before, Clarke said this in a soft, almost pleading voice. He had been almost brash, telling her he wouldn't take orders from her. And then there she was, looking at him almost at the verge of tears. One of those rare times when Clarke had let her guard down for the smallest of moments; a second where Bellamy got to see the real Clarke and didn't have to try and look past a façade. Although those moments had come more often through time, now he was left wishing he could've experienced more. For her to trust him more often and vice versa. Bellamy wished he had had more time with her after she had left Arkadia. Now, he had left her; it had been the one thing Clarke had admitted she wouldn't be able to bear. And she had done so long before their friendship had begun to grow as strong and deep as it had in the weeks before Praimfaya. I can't lose you too. But she had. In the end she had lost him and that had probably been one of her last thoughts in life.
Tears leaked from behind his eyelids. Bellamy just lay there until sleep overwhelmed him.
His breathing hitched and his eyelids fluttered: It was the same dream that had already haunted him last night. Octavia dying. Clarke dying. Again he tried to reach out to her but she disappeared once more.
"Bellamy, are you there?" He tried to turn around to where her voice had come from but instead found himself standing in the throne room in Polis. Bellamy was holding onto Clarkes hand as she took the flame. Within seconds her whole body began to tremble violently. He felt for sure Clarke would die right then and there. He grasped her hand even tighter as if to drag her away from death until a few agonizing moments later, she opened her eyes, very much alive. Bellamy released his breath… and woke with a start.
Sitting up he tried to find the sense behind his dream. One thing he was sure of: It had definitely been Clarkes voice. It might have been raspy and had sounded tired but it had been her. Bellamy couldn't grasp why but somehow all of this left him utterly confused. How could a dream feel so… real? For an instant he had really believed that Clarke was out there somewhere, trying to talk to him.
Bellamy had never been one to believe in the interpretations of dreams. Still he had a feeling that had started with his nightmare the day before and had been growing ever since. It was almost as if his mind tried to tell him something. He just couldn't pinpoint it…yet. His gaze wandered to the small alarm clock on the metal table next to his bed. It was almost time to get up.
Deciding he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep anyway, Bellamy got up to get an early breakfast.
