Faces flash in front of me. My mother, her blonde hair tumbling around her face. Her blue eyes bright and fiery. Her face set. She doesn't look Abnegation this way. She looks Dauntless. Her mouth forms words that I can't hear. I struggle closer, tears prickling my eyes. I will not cry. I won't. I can't. If I cry, the ice that's keeping me together will shatter.
I'm close enough now that I can make out the sounds.
"You did this to me, Beatrice. It's your fault. You weren't selfless when you needed to be, Beatrice. You weren't brave when you should have been. You could have saved us all. It could have been different. You did this to me. You did this to us."
Her face fades slowly into the black and my father's replaces it. His green eyes glinting coldly.
"I trusted you. I thought you would stay. You betrayed me. You betrayed your family. My death was your fault, Beatrice."
The tears I have been holding back threaten to spill. My heart starts pounding in my chest.
"I..I...I didn't-...I'm.." I struggle to form the words I will never be able to say to him. I try to talk but all I can do is watch helplessly and stutter as his face morphs into Will's.
Will. Will who I killed without a second thought. My friend. My replacement of Caleb. I killed him. A strangled cry rises in my throat as his green eyes peer into mine. I'm shaking now, tremors wracking my body. Any minute now the tears won't be able to fall quietly. I'm shaking harder. Will doesn't do anything but stare. His mouth shoots open and I expect the jabbing words that will come out. But they never do. Instead, he talks softly whispering my name over and over. His voice doesn't sound right. It sounds deeper, older. Almost like..
I open my eyes slowly. Tobias' dark eyes hover inches over my face. They stare at me concerned like he could drag all the pain out of me just by staring. My cheeks are wet and my hands claw at the sheets. My body starts to shudder again and I close my eyes, silent tears spilling down my face.
I feel a hand on my face, a thumb running my cheek. I lean into his hand but I can't seem to stop shaking.
"Tris" a whisper nothing more. A whisper because anything else right now might break me. I whimper and Tobias slides his arms around me, pulling me onto his lap. I bury my face into his neck as he rocks us slowly. I feel his lips moving against my ear but I don't hear the words. I just sit there and cry.
There was a day where I would've laughed at the thought of me crying my heart out. There was a day when I would have rejected any comfort. There was a day when I wouldn't let anything break me. But that day isn't today. Eventually I fall asleep, still wrapped in Tobias' comforting arms, a sliver of guilt running through me.
I sigh once again from the fitting room. Christina and I have gone back to normal, sort-of. There are still moments where I catch her staring into space with a longing look in her eyes or when she looks at me with a slight look of disgust. Of course, the guilt still burns in me and haunts me at night. I still wake up screaming for everyone I've lost but at least it's not every night.
In an attempt to go back to the way we were, Christina had dragged me out of my very comfortable apartment to go shopping. I slip on the dress reluctantly. It was a Christina special-in other words short, tight, and hot. It is dauntless black and ends just past my butt. The dark fabric brushes softly against the skin that it hugs. I slip my feet into the heels Christina gave me and walk out. As soon as I step out, Christina's eyes widen and her mouth hangs open. She squeals so loudly that I wince as she begins to hop in place.
"Tris, Tris. Oh my gosh you have to get it." She squeals.
"Chris, please. I don't-"
"No you don't. You are getting that dress if I have to pay for it or if I have to get Four to bribe you."
I grumble before nodding my head. I'd do anything to keep Christina from squealing again. Plus the more I agree with her, the less stores I get dragged into.
Finally, food. Chris has dragged me around for hours and I finally convinced her to let me eat. Ok so maybe collapsing onto the floor proclaiming that I wouldn't get up until I had food was a little dramatic but at least I got food out of it.
I shovel food into my mouth as fast as I can. I spot Uriah prancing (can guys even prance?) over, plate piled high with more Dauntless cake than food.
"Trissy!" He exclaims.
Rolling my eyes, I smirk before snatching his plate of cake. "You want your cake, Uriah?"
Uriah eyes are wide and pleading. "Ok ok. I get it. You don't like Trissy. Maybe something else? Tris-a-boo?"
The cake slides dangerously as I tilt the plate as though I would drop it.
"Tris! Not the cake! Calm down and hand over the cake."
"Mmmm...I think I need a little something first," I say and snatch a couple of slices of the cake before handing the plate over. Instantly, Uriah hugs the plate to him, glaring at me.
Zeke sits down across from me, smiling in that insane way of his. "So guys, who's up for a party at my house tonight?"
A party? Now? So soon after the war? I looked out across the faces in the cafeteria. Written on each one was pain, guilt, anger, defeat. Some tried to hide it-put in a brave face-but I could see through it. I knew that face. I saw it almost every time I looked in the mirror. Maybe a party was just what we needed. Something fun, something loud. Something to remind is that we are Dauntless and moping and defeat just isn't our style.
I nodded slowly and say, "Yeah, I'll go."
Christina looks at me, her face displaying shock. Actually, the whole table is. In these past few weeks I haven't been the Tris I was in initiation. Everyone else has been drowning their fear the Dauntless way, by acting as if nothing happened. They attacked the zip lines, bombarded the tattoo shops. In a way, they are more reckless than before. But I, I hid myself. I tried to forget the Tris I had become. I didn't want to be reminded of the person who killed her best friend, who betrayed and was betrayed.
Christina nods and says, "Yeah. Yeah, I'll go. What kind of Dauntless would I be to deny a party?" Our table nods and bangs their fists on the table. In this moment I remember why I chose Dauntless. Not because they were strong, not because they were loud, but because they knew how to live. Every day isn't guaranteed and the Dauntless live each day like it's their last. We may be broken but we won't let that keep us from living.
