Toys in the attic
DISCLAIMER: I do not own South Park. I wrote this for fun.
Beta: The amazing Courtaine :) thank you so much.
Chap two: How is it going at school?
They walked along, two continents of experience and feeling unable to communicate
― William Golding, Lord of the Flies
Craig sighed, feeling the fall wind outside and the tree branches knocking his window. When he was a child, he used to think the sound was somebody playing a strange flute, but now it was more like somebody crying, desperate for help, struggling and insisting.
Kenny changed his position in bed. Craig was on it as well, lying down in the corner. He had been static in the same position for hours. Kenny wasn't like that; he needed to move every couple of minutes being so hyperactive. A few pieces of paper fell off the bed, but neither of them seemed to care. Craig's bedroom was a mess anyway, with all the drawers opened, the floor covered with clothes –dirty or clean–, cups, text books, CDs and notebooks. The curtain was always slightly opened, he never bothered in opening or closing it as part of his daily routine. There was always a weak, red sunbeam at twilight in Craig's face. He didn't like it, but never bothered changing his position in bed. That's how their little kingdom was. A static chaos.
"Why are you in this yearbook shit again?" asked Craig when Kenny finally found glue inside of an unused drawer."
"Stan needed help. Well, actually, Wendy was the one who needed help, but, you know..." answered Kenny, passing through the finished pages, not even looking at the pictures he was gluing.
Kenny was a mess when it came to gluing. He was good at origami and a few other crafty things, but when it came to repairing, gluing, or sewing, he sucked; Craig never knew why. When he broke Craig's favourite Red Racer toy, he had tried to repair it and it was a mess. Craig told him he shouldn't have worried about it, putting it in the attic with all the other things that didn't catch his attention anymore. Craig felt so happy that time. Kenny was so kind to him, always worried about those little things, looking for Craig's smile every time he could. Once, he even told him he would help him to make his dreams come true. Craig just laughed at his face, telling him they were too young to be talking about cheesy things like dreams.
"You know? This whole thing looks so...fake," said Craig. He had always hated that. Since he was a child, he noticed how teenagers seemed so social and happy, but he could tell all of that crap was fake. He realized that while observing all the stupid drama his stupid schoolmates used to have.
"I know," said Kenny, staring at the picture when Wendy and Bebe were hugging each other, smiling like they were having the most amazing time ever. "Wendy and Bebe hate each other."
"How do you know?
"Stan mentioned it once. Wendy always cries to him, confessing how Bebe wants to sabotage his class presidency campaign and her cheerleader captaincy."
"That's just girl-world functioning. I mean, the yearbook looks fake to me not only because it shows people pretending to be friends. It's how they put so much effort looking...happy, you know? Enjoying clubs like they weren't in there for college credit. Cheering on the team like they weren't intimidated by the stupid jocks in the hallways. Having fun in recesses, like they weren't worried about who to sit with, or where to belong. It's like there were no problems in those shitty pages..."
"You don't like yearbooks, right?" asked Kenny, laughing like he said something extremely funny
Craig hated those kind of reactions, not only because it was a nervous one —very deep inside, he knew Kenny had never actually gotten him—, but he also now hated Kenny's sad smile. He wanted him to open up, but Kenny had never really spoken his mind. He wanted to grab him and force him to tell him everything, but that was just impossible
An awkward silence dominated the room afterwards. Kenny was saying sorry for not getting him, for not speaking his mind, but only with his eyes. Where was that free-spirited Kenny everybody talked about and admired? That was as fake as that yearbook. He never was a really free person. The pressure to still fit into his friends and not be left alone, to not end up like his father, to protect Karen and hide her from the disgrace of being a McCormick. He pretended he didn't care about all that stuff by acting like a spontaneous and apathetic person. But that was just paint on the wall. The mystery of Kenny was unraveled; His smile was sad because he was a sad person.
Right after Kenny finished putting all the clubs' pictures in the yearbook, Craig decided to talk.
"I received the response of my adoption letter yesterday."
"And?" Kenny looked at him with sparkling eyes. Craig could tell he wanted to hold his hand, but didn't dare.
"Neither of my biological parents want to be found, so there's no need to wait until I'm eighteen to know them. That will never happen."
"Oh."
Even though Kenny didn't say anything else, Craig could see he was feeling terrible. Deep inside, Kenny blamed himself for almost every problem between them, even something unrelated to him like this. It's like he wanted to save Craig for any bad thing that could happen to him, but that was impossible
He always suspected he wasn't his parents biological son. It was so obvious, not only from his personality but his appearance as well. He was so tall and his hair was so dark. When he looked at himself at the mirror he couldn't see his dad's eyes or his mom's smile. There wasn't anything of a Tucker in his body but his shitty attitude of flipping everything off. When he found a suspicious document in his father's desk, he didn't feel sad. It was like all of his answers about everything was in finding his biological parents. He was so excited about discovering the whole truth, pulling all the threads and finally solving the puzzle. But now it was just some other eternal promise, and even though he was sad about it, he actually preferred it that way. He was afraid of being disappointed
Some seemingly eternal minutes passed after that. Craig could tell it was a large amount of time because of the times Kenny changed his position in bed. He knew Kenny wanted to keep talking about it, but instead, he changed the subject. "I found Karen crying in her bedroom this morning."
"Really? What happened to her?"
"I don't know, actually. She hugged me and cried, swearing she didn't know what she was crying for."
"Well, she's about to turn thirteen now, it's probably the hormones."
"Yeah.
That simplistic comment was enough to not keeping talking about that. It was obviously more than just hormones, it was more like...a maelstrom. The anxiety, the confusion, the intensity of actually knowing what it is to grow up...The emotional roller-coaster she was probably feeling, the frustration about realizing you're actually lost and alone...That confession of his sister seemed almost like a confession about himself. Craig wanted to hug him, or at least touch his hair and telling him everything was going to be okay. But they hadn't had physical contact since the month before.
"I shouldn't have invited you to my home that time," Craig had told him. That had been the worst thing he ever said to him; And so untrue. That's why he never wanted to insist on unraveling what was between them. The result was always him telling a cruel, untruthful comment, and Kenny's eyes revealing how heartbroken he was.
They had had their usual daily discussion. Craig could only remember an awful sex routine: Kenny calling him a selfish asshole and Craig implying Kenny was some kind of a man whore, making sarcastic comments. Kenny had became angry and Craig had had the worst headache ever so had asked him to shut his mouth. Kenny hadn't wanted to shut his mouth, and Craig shouted at him
After a long silence, after he had spat out those fatal words, Kenny had smiled sadly, his eyes sparkling. Craig had regretted it instantly.
"Why do you hate me so much these days?" Kenny had asked, his voice broken.
"You have been avoiding me." Instead of saying sorry, Craig just kept making it worse; He couldn't control himself.
"That's not true. I mean...Well, I have friends, you know? Social activities, parties."
"I'm better than all those shits and you know it. What's so special about your asshole friends?" He was so jealous of the fucking people Kenny used to hang out with in public. Why he was still hanging around Cartman and the rest of his stupid friends? They were a bunch of troublesome people with nothing special about them.
"Are you trying to control me, like a psychopath or something?"
"I never said anything of that. It's just that... We made a commitment, Kenny. You made a commitment with me. You were the one insisting me, following me to the railways and..."
"I didn't want this, Craig. Just the two of us, hiding in your room."
"I don't want to hang out with your stupid friends. I've already told you, I hate them."
"What about your friends? Are you ashamed of me or something?"
"No. But I don't want you to get along with them."
"Why is that?" Kenny had asked indignantly.
"Because you're not like them."
"So what? When we were kids we used to hang out a lot. Plus, everybody in school liked me!"
"That's not true, Kenny."
"What isn't true?"
"Look, high school is cruel. People are cruel. Just because you're pretty doesn't mean people really care about you."
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing," Craig had said finally. He knew Kenny thought everybody really cared about him, but people in high school were shallow, selfish. Kenny was only popular with people because of the way he looked, and they really thought he was single, so they were only hoping for him to give them what they wanted. And what they wanted was just sex, or a kiss if it was a cheesy girl.
After that, they silently agreed to not keeping talking about how destroyed their relationship was.
Why they couldn't have a normal relationship? Sometimes Craig could bear not talking with his friends for weeks, and anything was fine. After all, they had different interests and activities. But with Kenny, everything was different. He couldn't stand the idea of being separated from Kenny; just to think of it hurt like hell. But, at the same time, they had so many secrets under the sheets, waiting to be revealed, waiting for their time to appear and ruin everything.
That was just another little discussion. Because everything was little in their little world, except for them. They were big, really big, because in their little world they were the only ones, isolated from everyone.
It was like they silently decided to not to touch each other, not talk about their problems. They didn't want to unravel the hormones, along with the hidden passion. The failure of their relationship and the lack of understanding that came after every discussion they had, or every failed sexual relationship they wished had never happened.
Now, they were at the opposite sides of the bed observing each other, silently. They knew the end was close, and they really wanted —actually needed— to find a way out, an escape route, an option to not be torn apart from each other, but it was impossible. You can't live with just love.
In the end, their relationship was nothing but an eternal promise that would never happen. One can dream about said promise, wishing for something beautiful to come from it all. However, they were just what Craig hated so much: A picture in the yearbook. And, secretly, Craig wanted it to keep to that way. When they started to get really deep into each other, delving too far into one another's lives, they ruined it. For the first time in his life, Craig wished he could have been shallow and have a superficial relationship with Kenny, but he couldn't help it. That would never happen, because they would never be able to understand each other.
