The following story is brought to you by Jill's strange and slightly demented mind. The ideas within are all her own, but the characters are property of Masashi Kishimoto.

I decided there was more to Orochimaru's personal issues than I covered in the last chapter, so I wrote this one. =D

The Woes of Orochimaru Part II

Recap:

"They called me an evil wizard. I had no clue what the heck that kid was talking about, but I still can't get his face out of my head. He had a scar on his forehead," Orochimaru said aloud while Gaara said it in his head. "And, he kept calling me 'Vanderbilt' and told me to stop the snakes or else." Gaara was perfectly on time with Orochimaru. "So of course I used a water prison technique on the dumb brats so they would stop trying to poke me with their sticks—honestly, who do they think I am—but the stupid girl managed to get out with the redhead kid and—hey, what are you doing?"

Orochimaru finally noticed the rope around his neck that Gaara was pulling tighter and tighter.

"Is this a new ninjutsu therapy?" Orochimaru asked brightly.

Gaara tightened the rope and turned away from the villain, ignoring the man's question.

Until Orochimaru started humming. Then Gaara turned back around, a look of incredulity on his face. "You're humming?" he asked.

"Of course," the man replied back chirpily. Gaara's stomach churned. Using the word "chirpily" in the same sentence as Orochimaru conjured up very unpleasant images for the redhead.

"Why?" Gaara asked even though he did not really want to know the answer. The silence seemed to demand it, however.

"Because," Orochimaru explained, still looking stupidly happy, "I am putting my Villain Classes to good use. And I like humming," he added.

Gaara's mind instantly filled with images of Orochimaru humming...everywhere. While cooking, showering, dressing, fighting. Wait, in the shower! I just imagined Orochimaru in the shower? HUMMMING? "Gaaaaaaaaaah!" Gaara screamed, clutching his head in agony as he tried to clear the terrible images from his brain.

Orochimaru just stared at him placidly from the couch. "Something wrong, psychiatrist-sama?" he asked.

Gaara continued to scream.

Orochimaru uncrossed his folded hands and began removing the rope from his neck. "Hmm," he muttered, "this reminds me of that movie where the psychiatrist tries to blow the man up and the man says that he has worked himself into a knot and must untie it to work out his problems." Orochimaru felt the knot. "Is this like that?" he asked Gaara.

Gaara was still screaming.

Orochimaru sighed. He reached a hand up to the knot and felt its complex structure. "I suppose I am to figure this out for myself, then?" he asked Gaara, not really expecting a reply.

Gaara suddenly stopped screaming with an evil glint in his eye. The Shukaku laughed manically inside him, but Gaara ignored it. He smiled wickedly at Orochimaru.

"Yes, it is just like that movie."

Orochimaru frowned. "Really? Because in the movie, the man also had a cooler full of dynamite around his neck." He looked around to see if he could spot a cooler anywhere.

Gaara's grin grew. "Oh, yes, I forgot that part! Please excuse me one moment!" Laughing in a manner very similar to the way Orochimaru was taught in his Evil Classes, Gaara opened the third drawer on his Dresser of Death and retrieved as many explosive tags as he could carry.

Orochimaru watched from the couch, looking pleased with all the progress he was making in his therapy sessions. "Gaara-sama," he said, "you didn't happen to take Evil Lessons, too, did you?" At Gaara's quick glance, Orochimaru continued. "You have the Manic Villain Laugh down very well," he complimented the shrink.

Gaara floated over to the sofa on a layer of sand and began attaching the explosive tags to the Snake Summoner. Orochimaru shifted slightly to give Gaara a better opportunity to make sure the tags really stuck. After all, Orochimaru really wanted to work out his problems.

Gaara laughed manically again and stepped back to smirk at his work. Explosive tags were plastered all over Orochimaru's body, more so than Gaara's Aunt—Uncle—Yashamaru, had had when he tried to kill young Gaara.

If Deidara had seen this before the Akatsuki went jinchūriki hunting, he probably would not have tried to kill a fellow Blast Master artist.

Orochimaru looked at his body and frowned. "Are you sure that's enough?" he asked. "I really want to be sure this therapy works. I mean, I have a lot of problems to solve."

Gaara was surprised, but complied anyway. Who am I to turn down a patient's request? he thought as his eyes took up the evil glint again and he stuck more tags on top of the ones already attached to the pale man's clothing. "Oh, yes," he said as he worked, "I agree entirely."

His patient looked up at him. "You do?" Orochimaru asked.

Gaara nodded as he overlapped even more explosive tags onto Orochimaru. "Yes, you definitely have problems," Gaara said.

"Oh, I'm so pleased!" Orochimaru happily cried out. "To think that I have a psychiatrist who recognizes my problems and takes them and me seriously! Every other shrink I've been to turned me down as soon as I told them I wanted Sasuke's body. Honestly, I still don't see what's so wrong with that." The villain frowned. "One man even threatened to have me put on the Sex Offenders list for paedophilia. I am not a paedophile! I just love young boys with bloodlines!" he declared vehemently.

"…" Gaara blinked. "You do realize how that came out, don't you?" he asked the villain on the sofa, pausing in his tag-attaching for the moment.

Orochimaru looked up at him. "What do you mean?" he demanded.

"Well," Gaara started, "I think there's a reason they call you the "Paedo of the Three Sannin" or "Snakey-Paedo sama."

Orochimaru was outraged. "They group me with the other two?" he yelled.

Gaara sighed. Trust Orochimaru to ignore the fact that people are calling him a pervert with a thing for kids…

"How dare they! I'll kill them all!" Orochimaru's snake like eyes took on an evil glint worse than Gaara's and he jumped from the couch. He stormed out of the room and a high-pitched shriek was heard a few seconds later.

Oh no! Gaara thought. What if he's killed my secretary?

"My makeup!" the same high-pitched voice continued.

No, Matsuri's fine. Orochimaru must have smudged his eye shadow while crying.

"I smudged my eye shadow while crying!" the man yelled from the bathroom. "And that was the last of my favorite purple color!" He began to sob.

Dear Kami… Gaara thought. "What's with the purple?" he muttered aloud.

Orochimaru popped his head out the door, and blinked at Gaara, makeup smudged around his face. "Purple's my favorite color! It's regal!"

Oookaaaaaaaaaay, Gaara thought to himself. "So you like feeling like royalty?" he asked, automatically writing this down out of habit.

Orochimaru nodded, and pulled his head back into the bathroom. Once his neck was normal length, he pulled out a new container of green eye shadow and began applying it. "It makes me feel like a princess!"

Gaara stared. Then he remembered what they were doing earlier. "Hey, do you want me to activate the explosive tags?" he asked hopefully.

"Let me finish my makeup first!" Orochimaru called back from the bathroom.

Kami, help me, Gaara thought, sickened by the honey tone of the 'man' in the other room. "All right," he replied a few moments later.

"Hhmm, I don't think I like it. I look sick. What do you think?" Orochimaru stuck his head out the door and twisted his neck back to Gaara.

Gaara flinched slightly but didn't jump away from the head extended towards him. "No, you look fine," he said, trying to just get this darn session over with.

If he'd just let me blow him up, then I could move on to more exciting things…

The rope fell from Orochimaru's neck as he pulled his head back onto his body again, but Gaara didn't notice because he was busy checking his schedule to see who was next. Oh good! he thought. My next patient is an axe murderer! Finally, someone normal!

The door to the office opened and Gaara felt a presence behind him.

Sighing, he placed his schedule back on his desk and, without turning around said, "No, Sasuke, it is not time for your Emo Sessions. Come back in an hour."

Sasuke huffed. "You say that every day. You must hate me. The world must hate me. I need to kill my brother. Vengeance!"

"I say it every day because you always come too early. Now please wait outside and don't kill anyone."

Orochimaru extended his neck for the third time. "Sasuke!" he screamed happily. He shrieked like the fan-girl he was when he saw his new container standing in the room. "Yay! It's Sasuke-kun!"

Sasuke just stood where he was, hands in his pockets and a sullen expression on his face. Then he appeared to realize something. "And they're not Emo Sessions. They're Angst Therapy Recovery Sessions."

"Yes, yes, of course they are," Gaara said, trying to sound like he cared.

Orochimaru was drooling and had big pink hearts over his eyes as he watched Sasuke sulk.

"You're ruining my carpet," Gaara told him.

"Huh? Oh, sorry!" he giggled. He began walking out of the bathroom, but his head stayed where it was as he shrunk his neck. It looked odd. "Sasuke-kun, when are you going to come to the Sound with me?" Orochimaru asked.

Sasuke spared him a pitying glance before he looked away again. "Never."

Orochimaru stopped walking and a hurt expression made its way to his face. "But-but why? I gave you a cursed seal! Is that not enough?"

Sasuke glared at him. "I don't want a cursed seal! I want to grow stronger on my own! The world hates me! I must kill my brother! Vengeance!"

The hearts came back to Orochimaru's eyes, though they were a little smaller. "I can get Kabuto to make you cookies?" he offered hopefully.

Sasuke continued to glower at the pale man. "I don't like sweets," he said after a moment.

"Oh." Orochimaru was disappointed.

"You could always plant tomatoes," Gaara suggested helpfully.

Sasuke turned his glare on the psychiatrist but Gaara didn't flinch.

"Why would I plant tomatoes?" Orochimaru asked, confused.

The door burst open again and a figure with silver-hair and bad glasses charged in, sobbing loudly. "Orochimaru's cheating on meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" the figure screamed. "He's trying to get Sasuke to the Sound to use his ! Why won't he use mine? I don't understaaannd!" the figure wailed.

"Kabuto, what are you doing here?" Orochimaru asked in confusion.

"Huh?" Kabuto looked up. "Oh, aah! Orochimaru-sama! What are you doing here?" Kabuto blushed deeply.

Sasuke looked disgusted.

Gaara sighed.

"I am here to discuss my troubles with Gaara-sama," the villain answered. "Why are you here?" he asked, a slightly accusing tone in his voice. "And what's all that about me cheating on you?"

Kabuto went even redder as he stammered a reply. "I-I uh um I just uh needed to uh check with you uh about our uh plans to uh take over the world?" he said.

"Hmmm…" Orochimaru replied. "Well, I don't think now is the time."

Kabuto nodded quickly. "Of course not, Orochimaru-sama. Forgive me!" He sent a glance in Gaara's direction that said, "I'll be waiting outside for my Getting Over a Broken Heart and Moving Past the Pain Sessions to begin."

Sasuke stared after him. "Is that guy really your right hand man?" he asked Orochimaru.

Orochimaru nodded, smiling. "Mm-hmm. I was considering making him my container at one point, but he does not have a bloodline limit so he's not good enough for me." Orochimaru's expression changed to one of joy. "But you, Sasuke-kun, are more than good enough."

Gaara wanted to throw up. This feeling was not helped by the fact that the Shukaku was screaming "Kill him! Kill him! He's making me ill!" in his head.

Sasuke just glared.

Orochimaru sighed happily and fluttered his eyelashes, bringing his hands to rest by his heart. "Well, psychiatrist-sama, I'm ready for you to blow me up now, if you want. With Sasuke-kun here, I will be able to get through anything."

"Yeah, I'm leaving now," Sasuke said, quickly rushing out the door.

Orochimaru whimpered. "He left," he said softly.

Gaara ignored him and lit the tags with his chakra.

The Shukaku laughed evilly, but had enough presence of mind to warn Gaara to try to leave the area. They would be automatically protected by Gaara's sand, but it would still be better if they didn't have to watch Orochimaru get blown to bits.

"Hmm, let me see…" Orochimaru said. "I have to work out my problems. OK. First, I want to live forever. Well, that's not going to happen if I can't get rid of these tags." He puzzled over his dilemma as Gaara snuck out the door, laughing wickedly the whole way to the reception area.

Sasuke glanced up from the chair he was sitting on in the corner of the room. "Can I have my Emo Sessions now?"

"Sure," Gaara responded in a still-malicious tone, "we can go to another room and begin your Angst Therapy Recovery Sessions right away."

Sasuke scowled. "That's what I meant."

Kabuto snorted.

Gaara sighed, and said in a joking tone of voice, "Now, now boys, no need to get all jealous of each other. After all, Paedo-kun might not make it out of his current session…" With that, he walked off down the hall before Kabuto had enough time to figure out what that meant.

Gaara held the door open for Sasuke just as a loud BANG! was heard followed by an anguished cry of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Master, you should have used my body!"