II

They have just won another game. Still smiling, she turned the TV set off and took her cellphone.

'I've been watching! I'm so proud of you! Miss you, R.'

She looked at the text deprecatingly, deleted it and started again.

'I've been watching! Wish I were here, R.'

Disgusted, she threw the cellphone on a couch.

We're friends, for God's sake, and I can't send him a stupid text flashed through her mind.

She made the last attempt.

'I've been watching! I'm so proud of you, guys! R.'

It wasn't a peak of dreams, but, taking the whole situation they were in into consideration, she pressed 'send'. She was happy Finn isn't all by himself in OSU, that he has the best friend there. She had Kurt, New York, the scene, Broadway. She stood up and went to the bathroom to change her dressing on feet. Dance rehearsal were always tiresome, but today's one was the worst – since she came back, she did nothing except lying, she did even missed her classes. In fact, she wanted to cry the whole day, it hurt so much. She couldn't wait for Kurt to come back so he would salve her bad back. She sat at the edge of a bath, unwound the dressing and winced at her bloodstained toes. She gritted her teeth. Tomorrow will be fine... Everything for the scene... I can do it... she repeated in her head like a mantra, while tears were falling down on her face. Since a few weeks, nothing was ok. She douched her feet and swathed them again. Walking on the heels and bracing on the walls, she moved to her bedroom. En route, she took her cellphone with her and threw herself on bed.

'Just two more games left! Hope you got your role, F.'

She looked at this text and not felt like doing anything. She threw it on the floor and started to search marks on the ceiling. Of course she had gotten the role, she was unbeatable. But why part of her, even this bigger, wasn't happy about this fact? In moments like this, she felt like there was no air in the room, as well as no joy inside her. After all, she made her dreams come true, since two years she has been living in New York, studying and performing. And has been lonely. She was so terribly lonely that she couldn't Finn let go. She didn't know what was destroying her more – the fact that every time she saw him, she wished for his touch or that she sacrificed their relationship to make her dreams come true. Every time they talk, she felt an invisible hand slapping her in the face. And it was definitely her own hand. All she needed now was something that would distract her attention and would let her stop cry into her beer. Suddenly, she heard a knock and Kurt stood on the doorstep.

'Did you watch it?'

'Yeah. They won.' she answered automatically, don't even bother to look at him.

'You texted him.' it wasn't even a question, it was a fact.

'Yes.'

'You're stupid. You're totally stupid.'

She felt Kurt had lain on a mattress.

'Thanks for your support. You're a valued friend. And you didn't congratulate me on my role.'

'Oh, congratulations ' he snorted 'and, at the same time, I'm sorry for your mental state. You're both sick and cannot start living once again. Finn finds release in football and newly met girls, and you're letting hurt yourself at rehearsals and you don't even react when people say you're not talented. This craziness lasts way too long...'

'You know I almost moved on...'

'Yeah, bravo! You had Johnny for like six months and you'd changed it all during three days. I have no idea why you let it happen, guys, but fine, I forbear this groaning... But it's not my own life. Who, the hell, are you, girl?'

It has been a long time since she finally opened her mouth. She was afraid of Kurt who, without changing his tone, could chide her like a little baby.

'I don't know. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want. Since a year, I've been wondering if it was worth it, if it is really my dream. You know, Kurt, I've never thought being a star means making others happy, not yourself.'

Kurt stood up, looked at her and shook his head unbelievingly.

'No, you're not stupid. You love him. And what's worse, he loves you, too. And none of you want to say it out loud...'

He left her room. A moment later, hoping he wouldn't come back, he appeared once again, holding two glasses and salt in one hand, and a lemon, knife and bottle of tequila in the other. It was all she needed right now.