If you haven't noticed, several of my "Reality of Chaos" fics are pretty much an excuse to fuck with various characters. Mainly, Megalomaniac, Idiotproof...is Highly Suspect Terminology, and this. They show just how interconnected the multiverse really is as well as the other side of my chaos mage concept: that their lives (when not in mortal danger) are one long circus parade. My characterization of Thor is noble, brave and well intentioned. But not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer.
*H*
Thor's explanation however stopped before it started. Due to the alerts going crazy.
"This better be good." Tony grumbled suiting up. Usually up for whatever, Stark would rather watch Thor twist in the wind right now. "Stay put Reindeer Games. You too Cupid."
"It's cute that you think you can order us around." Sagittarius snorted. "If it's entertainment you want, you won't be disappointed. This mess is all on Thunderbutt." Without a sound, the couple sank into a black portal that seemed to open up right under them on the sofa.
"This...is not good." Thor spoke slowly as if straining to hear something. Then rocketing off, Mjolnir leading the way. Thank god JARVIS had the foresight to open the damn window first. Glass was not a deterrent to the Norse god in a hurry.
"JARVIS what's going on?" Natasha asked, earning a glare from Tony.
"There appears to be a battle of sorts occurring near the Brooklyn Bridge. Energy readings are similar to that of our guests though not quite as strong. Still they are causing quite a bit of panic and destruction."
"Joy. Guess we better get moving"" Clint rolled his shoulders.
At the scene, many confusing things.
First of all, Thor , Sagittarius and Loki were just...standing there. Watching the battle like a tennis match or something. Since when was this a spectator sport?!
Second, the battle seemed to to be taking place between a young woman with frizzy brown hair dressed in a light brown dress with a dark brown sarong and a set of wide silver cuff bangles on her wrists and bare feet. Her opponents weird creatures that looked like Tim Burton's imagination got a hold of two Carebears. Big, hairy mothers with teeth and claws but one was solid blue, the other fire engine red.
Third, her weapons. As far as the avengers could tell, she was fighting fire and ice breathing teddies with feathers and paper. She was fighting with them and freaking winning. Blue bear snuck up behind her and tried to ice her over only to be blocked by a wall of flattened tree pulp. The frigid blast froze the blockade which shattered. Then she threw several white and brown feathers at it before flipping away from a blast of flame from the red one. They struck home in it's face and eyes. Icy roared in pain, firing off random blasts from it's mouth. One of which turned it's partner into an ice sculpture.
Little miss papermaster then caused a feather to grow to the size of a full length staff, the plume running along only one side. Clutching the bottom like a hilt, she swung. The supposedly fluffy end slicing through the immobilized bear like a hot knife. The two halves exploding into confetti. Wasting no time, she loped off the blinded one's head with the same effect.
"Get out here and fight your own battles lazy ass!" She shouted to the sky.
"As my jewel desires." a new voice spoke. Then the girls went sailing into a tree clutching her stomach. "Very soon you'll be my wife. What do you say we skip this formality and go right to the vows?"
"I am not marrying you Anu. I didn't like you before and like you even less now that you've sent killer teddy bears after me!"
"Oh, but you will. The edict stands my love. Whom ever bests you in battle shall be your groom." A an ugly, ogre looking gigantic green skinned man in a loin cloth and breastplate appeared in a puff of green smoke. Without batting an eyelash, she swung her featherstaff. Contact with his armour producing a shower of sparks.
Meanwhile...
"Why aren't you doing anything? Not that she seems to need any help." Captain America couldn't help but gawk.
"We'd love to help our niece. Especially since Anu's a sneaky creep and that first fight was obviously meant to wear her down for him." Sagittarius frowned watching the brunette lose her weapon to a quick succession of blows to her hands and wrists. "Unfortunately someone opened his big yap a while ago without consulting a being with higher brain functioning first."
"This is as close as we can get. Ow that had to hurt." Loki winced as she struck out her foot to catch Anu in the face. The river of black blood, his howl and the sickening crack pretty much confirmed his already crooked nose just got broken. "Huh. I do believe she's pissed off now. We cannot interfere but if you value your mortal well being you'll steer clear as well. Akik can't afford to be distracted."
"The hell's that supposed to mean?!" Bruce's eyes flashed. "She's good but anyone can see she's fatigued!"
"It is beyond us to aid her. It is...partially my fault as well." Thor grimaced seeing her take a punch to the face. Then to his relief she rolled with the blow. Grabbing his forearm as she fell away and wrapping her legs around the upper arm allowed her to use his forward momentum to flip him behind her into the East River.
30 feet away. Many watched in disbelief as the fearsome creature started flailing in the water hollering for his mother. Apparently big boy couldn't swim. Not that Akik could be bothered to care at this point.
"Once you realize you can teleport, I win." She shouted before turning to glare at the God of Thunder. "PARTIALLY?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"
"Akik, child, it was ill worded but meant to protect you."
"Well thank you. Declaring only a mighty warrior who demonstrates to me skill and cunning in battle was worthy of my hand translated into having a line of jerks trying to beat me into the ground so they can marry me. Such wonderful protection Uncle Thor. An edict with a loophole one could wedge a planet through." If looks could kill, the blond would be atoms scattered to the wind. If tone could, it'd be warmer to stand on Pluto than that spot. "If mother wasn't otherwise occupied you'd be drooling and hitting yourself with that hammer right now. This is not how I want to spend my childhood!"
POP!
A puff of smoke surrounded her at that weird sound. Once it cleared, in her place an 9 or 10 year old version stood with hands on her hips. She'd gotten smaller but that frizzy mane was still as big.
"Time out. Thor, you set a child up to literally fight off suitors for her hand in marriage?" Black Widow raised a brow. "That's..."
"Appalling?" Sagittarius supplied.
"Asinine?" Loki added.
"Aggravating?" Akik grumbled.
"...I was going to say archaic but those all work too." she shrugged.
"Well...damn." Tony pouted. though no one could see it. Sexy ninja chick just morphed into a 'To Catch a Predator' lure. In the back of his mind, his conscience (yes he'd got one) berated him for finding her other form appealing in any way. Well it was for even considering trying to get her to change back...
"Thor why would you even say something like that?! She's a kid! Er...you are a kid right?" Cap blushed.
"To save you the trouble of calculating, she's about 11." The snarky redheaded answered.
"It was a mistake! She is my only niece, I meant only to ensure a suitable husband for her. A strong warrior. They were supposed to prove their worth by their victories in war or other manly pursuits. Not by combat with her!" Thor shrank under the heated gaze of his comrades. His words failing to justify much of anything. It didn't escape his notice that Banner was struggling not to Hulk out after that.
"Then you should have said that not the other thing! You are gonna fix it or affinity help you when my mother hears of it!" She yelled. Huffing to blow a strand of hair out of her face she cleared her throat. Now that she was still, a lovely brown jewel could be seen glistening upon her brow, nestled under her bangs. "I apologize for my rudeness and the damage my fight caused. My name is Akik, daughter of Lady Psyphire. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance." The young girl daintily curtsied, eyes closed, head bowed slightly as a proper lady would in greeting. A gentle smile on her lips.
The Avengers just blinked at the total 180.
*H*
Yep, basically mashing up the League of Evil Exes from Scott Pilgrim and Kuno's declaration about Akane in Ranma 1/2. In both series one idiot is trying to dictate the love life of a girl perfectly capable of holding her own in a brawl. Only in this case it wasn't done for a selfish reason. It wasn't particularly well thought out but still not to be mean.
If you've read Idiotproof, you know exactly who Akik is even though she isn't actually in that story yet. For those who only came across this under the Avengers section, she's a certain bushy haired know it all from the Harry Potter universe. For those who haven't read The Road to Hell, her mama is Jasmine Fenton (from Danny Phantom) with psychic powers and totally capable of making that well meaning dolt a drooling headcase.
