I do not own any of the internet personalities or memes presented in this story.
The Internet Police: The Will of the Internet
Orientation, Part 2
"I can't believe I'm going to the Internet Police Complex," thought HurricaneAubrey as she was walking towards the Willis Tower. She was wearing a blue business suit in preparation for her formal orientation and initiation as an Internet Police agent. Upon reaching the base of the Willis Tower, HurricaneAubrey stared up to the top of the skyscraper, which was one of the tallest buildings in the entire world. It was at this time that HurricaneAubrey decided to read the letter enclosed within the black envelope given to her by the Nerd the night before. She opened the black envelope, revealing a folded golden sheet of paper within it.
Greetings Ms. Aubrey Aiese,
I believe that you have all of the potential qualities of being an effective and skilled Internet Police agent. Further information regarding one of the world's most widespread and secretive organizations will be addressed in the Orientation Room. For now, follow these instructions on getting into the Internet Police Complex:
Go to the middle elevator in the lobby of the Willis Tower.
Wait until everyone else leaves.
Open up the elevator's control panel.
You will see a slot within the control panel. Insert your Internet Police I.D. card into it.
You will find yourself in the Hub of the Internet Police Complex.
With all due respect, The Chief.
Knowing what to do now, HurricaneAubrey made her way through the lobby to the middle elevator. The elevator was crowded with ordinary office workers grumbling about their lousy jobs.
"Hey Aubrey! I didn't know that you were working here at the Willis Tower," said a familiar voice.
HurricaneAubrey looked behind her shoulder and saw Bob Smith standing there with a suitcase.
"I take it that you were fired from the Norman Greeting Card Company too," asked HurricaneAubrey.
"Yep. Norman Albert was on a firing streak when I was sacked for trying to create greeting cards that sang Happy Birthday," said Bob.
The elevator door rang as everyone left it for their boring jobs in the office cubicles.
"Here's my floor, Aubrey. Time to get to work at my new, tedious job," said a yawning Bob as he left the elevator.
Now alone, HurricaneAubrey opened up the elevator's control panel, and she inserted her Internet Police I.D. card into a slot. All of a sudden, red and blue lights filled the elevator, scanning every inch of it.
"State your name," announced a cool female voice.
"Uh. HurricaneAubrey," said HurricaneAubrey with some nervousness.
"Access confirmed," replied the cool female voice, "Welcome to the Internet Police Complex, HurricaneAubrey. You will head towards the Orientation Room at once for your orientation and initiation as an Internet Police agent. Have a nice day."
The elevator travelled straight down further than HurricaneAubrey expected. And before she knew it, HurricaneAubrey soon found herself in a white room with massive television screens that were situated throughout it.
"This is Brian Collins reporting for MicroNews," stated Brian Collins on one of the large television screens. Joining me today at the U.S. Capitol is a congressional rising star. His name is Lame R. Prick. Nice to meet you, Mr. Prick."
"Thank you very much, Mr. Collins," replied Congress member Prick, a Republican Representative from Texas. "Let me just tell you that I want more Alvin and the Chipmunk movies. There must be more squeakquels."
"Are you sure about this, Mr. Prick? I mean, maybe the American public desires something of more substance and class," interjected Brian Collins.
"Preposterous," said Mr. Prick with a sense of superiority. "Chipmunks eating poo is of greater substance than finding out the meaning of life. After all, poo is more interesting than learning about where we came from and what our purpose in this life is."
"I think that will be enough, Mr. Prick," interrupted Brian Collins with an awkward smile on his face as he turned back towards the camera. "Coming up next, the Institute of Internet Studies is debating whether or not Milhouse is not a meme is a meme."
"This must the Hub," said HurricaneAubrey in awe as she saw Internet Police agents crawling through it like ants.
From her first impressions, the Hub was the epitome of function over form as the architectural was minimalist through its various blue couches being scattered throughout it. In addition, there were flags of all the countries of the world around the Hub's perimeter, and in the very center of the Hub, a glass map of the world was embedded within the otherwise marble flooring, perhaps indicating that the Internet Police was an multinational security force. Making her way through the Internet Police agents rushing past her, HurricaneAubrey found an empty glass elevator available for her, pushing the button Orientation Room. The glass elevator went straight up, passing through the Willis Tower itself as HurricaneAubrey heard conversations of office workers going about their daily routines of faxing papers and typing endlessly. At last, HurricaneAubrey found herself in a completely dark room where the only lighting came from the floor, which led to what appeared to be another glass elevator. With some reluctance, HurricaneAubrey entered into the other glass elevator.
"I guess I have to wait until the speaker arrives here to start the Orientation program," said HurricaneAubrey to herself.
Nothing happened for the next few minutes as HurricaneAubrey started to become impatient. Out of nowhere, the room was flooded with lights, revealing that the Orientation Room had monitors on its entire surface area (even the floor). A male voice then spoke to her.
"Hello new Internet Police agents. I am a male computerized voice, a counterpart to the female you heard in the elevator you just arrived in," said an automated male announcer. "You will hear a buzzer. When you hear a buzzer, look up at the ceiling."
A buzzer rang out, and feeling compelled to follow directions, HurricaneAubrey looked up at the ceiling.
"Good," said the male computerized voice. "You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look down at the floor."
HurricaneAubrey heard another buzzer, and just as before, she followed the male announcer's advice and looked down at the floor.
"Good," repeated the male announcer as the monitors in front of HurricaneAubrey displayed a large image of a painting she recognized as John Constable's The Hay Wain. "This is art. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, stare at the art."
After hearing the buzzer again, HurricaneAubrey stared at The Hay Wain with intense passion as a lover of art.
"The Hay Wain is a portrayal of the English countryside just before its devastation by the Industrial Revolution," said HurricaneAubrey. "Perhaps it's analogous to how the world was peaceful and quiet before the arrival of the internet and the Information Age."
"You should now feel mentally reinvigorated. If you suspect staring at art has not provided the required intellectual sustenance, reflect briefly on this classical music," announced the male computerized voice.
Pachelbel's Canon in D was playing in the background as HurricaneAubrey listened with a smile on her face. The monitors on the three other sides of the Orientation Room were displaying videos of Canon in D being played. One side had Canon in D being played by the Orchestra da Camera di Verona with violins on the Classic Arts Showcase program. Another side displayed Canon in D being performed in an unorthodox manner by ThePianoGuys. And finally, there was Canon in D being played on the electric guitar in an early YouTube video simply entitled "guitar". Through listening to all of these variations of Canon in D, HurricaneAubrey could relieve her mind of all the troubles and turmoil that had plagued her for the past few months.
"Finally! I can think straight for the first time in a long time!" exclaimed HurricaneAubrey as she held her arms up and spun around in a circle inside the glass elevator. "O brave new world, that has such people in't! I feel like the internet is such a wondrous place. I feel like the World Wide Web has such beauty within it. I feel that… ahhhhh!"
HurricaneAubrey placed her hands onto her ears as the buzzer ranged again, ceasing the symphonies of Canon in D that had been playing.
"Good. The lights will be turned off again," said the male announcer.
To HurricaneAubrey's annoyance, the lights to the Orientation Room were extinguished again, leaving her once again in almost complete total darkness. Seconds passed. Minutes passed. After what seemed like an eternity, HurricaneAubrey had the uneasy feeling that her induction into the Internet Police had been an enormous mistake and that a sick joke was being played on her. But before she further contemplate these uncomfortable thoughts, a voice entirely different from the previous one spoke out from the darkness.
"Hello? Anyone in there?" said an English-accented man. "Will someone turn on the lights to the Orientation Room?"
The lights came flooding back into the Orientation Room, and to HurricaneAubrey's surprise, the monitors in front of her displayed not a British man but a talking mechanical sphere.
"Let there be light. That's, uh… God. I was quoting God," announced the mechanical sphere.
The strange mechanical sphere and HurricaneAubrey made eye contact with each other, with the sphere staring at HurricaneAubrey with his solitary blue eye.
"Ah! You look terribl—ummm… good. Look good actually," replied the mechanical sphere. "I've got to show more respect to the smelly humans. Oh wait, sorry about that. Old habits die hard for me you see."
HurricaneAubrey couldn't help but be bemused by the ramblings of the mechanical sphere regarding her and the human race. After all, he didn't appear to be very bright and was simply naïve about these topics.
"Who are you?" asked HurricaneAubrey to the mechanical sphere on the monitors in front of her.
"I am Wheatley. I am an Aperture Science Personality Core. But enough about me, let's talk about you," said the mechanical sphere called Wheatley in a brisk manner. "Say apple."
"What?" said HurricaneAubrey in response to a seemingly random request.
"Go on, say apple. Aaaaple. Just say apple. Easy word, isn't it? Apple," demanded Wheatley.
"Uh apple," answered HurricaneAubrey with bewilderment.
"Close enough," said Wheatley. "Most new recruits to the Internet Police put up a fight against my demand for them to say apple, indicating that they are too stubborn and rebellious to make good agents. But since you answered to my request immediately, you have passed your first test. And now, onto the Orientation tour of the Internet Police Complex."
The glass elevator HurricaneAubrey was in moved downward and out of the Orientation Room. After descending several floors down, she was now in some sort of warehouse with cargo containers stacked in huge towers. And staring directly at her was the real-life Wheatley hanging from some sort of a rail.
"I'll be conducting your orientation tour of the Internet Police Complex from this management rail," said Wheatley as he followed HurricaneAubrey's glass elevator on its descent through the Internet Police Warehouse. "What you must know is that the first rule of the Internet Police is to prepare for the unpredictable."
Suddenly, the glass elevator moved to the right, causing HurricaneAubrey to fall sideways.
"Like I said, prepare for the unpredictable," replied Wheatley as he chuckled slightly.
HurricaneAubrey was just about to get back onto her feet when the glass elevator traveled immediately towards the left, knocking her back down.
"If there is one thing all new Internet Police agents should remember is to prepare for the predictable," repeated Wheatley.
HurricaneAubrey was panting as she brushed through her hair. Without warning, the glass elevator moved forward, accelerating at high speeds towards an impact wall. Before HurricaneAubrey could emit a high pitch scream, the glass elevator stopped just before hitting the wall by mere inches.
"First rule of the Internet Police is to prepare for the unpredictable. You got that HurricaneAubrey?" asked Wheatley as he followed the course of the glass elevator moving diagonally downward to the right.
"I think I got that engrained in my brain pretty well," said HurricaneAubrey as she was clutching at her chest.
"We are here at the docking station, which will give us access to the Terminal of the Internet Police Complex," stated Wheatley proudly.
But HurricaneAubrey could only see a blank wall in front of her.
"Wait. That's not the docking station. My sincerest apologies," said Wheatley as he traveled with the glass elevator to the actual docking station. "Here is the docking station right here. As they say in Alice in Wonderland, follow the white rabbit down the rabbit hole."
Wheatley propelled himself forward through the docking station's opening as the glass elevator followed behind him. To HurricaneAubrey's amazement, the end of the docking station's opening revealed a massive room where the sun was shining artificially from the ceiling's monitors. As HurricaneAubrey's glass elevator continued its journey through the room, there were hundreds of similar glass elevators moving about around her, each of them going forward, backwards, sideways, and in any other ways imaginable.
"Welcome to the Internet Police Complex!" shouted Wheatley excitedly. "This is the Terminal, the main transportation area for Internet Police agents travelling on glass elevators to the various points of the Internet Police Complex. Just take the spectacular scale of the Terminal all in HurricaneAubrey."
HurricaneAubrey saw glass elevators moving quickly past each other without any collisions. She saw that the Terminal's walls were filled with openings where glass elevators either entered or exited the Terminal. Right above the openings in the walls were huge posters portraying the pioneers of the computer and the internet. These posters included the following figures: Charles Babbage, Ada Lovelace, Tim Berners-Lee, Bill Gates, and Steve Jobs.
"I think it's time for you to get acquainted with the Hub of the Internet Police Complex," said Wheatley. "I believe you have already seen it when you arrived here. Is that correct?"
"Yes," answered HurricaneAubrey.
"Good. It's off to the Hub it is," announced Wheatley.
The glass elevator made its way towards the Hub. HurricaneAubrey was already familiar with the appearance of the Hub, but the glass elevator was positioned behind what seemed to be a podium situated directly above the Hub.
"This is the Hub," explained Wheatley. "This is where all Internet Police agents come in from home."
"Are there any other places where Internet Police agents can arrive to work?" asked HurricaneAubrey.
"No. For security reasons, there is only one entrance and exit to the Internet Police Complex for arriving agents," stated Wheatley. "For some employees, they arrive through the elevators from the Willis Tower like you did today. For the other Internet Police agents, they travel through the subway system directly into the Internet Police Complex on specialized red subway cars, and they arrive into the Hub through the flight of marble steps opening into it."
HurricaneAubrey saw several Internet Police agents walking up the marble stairs directly beneath her through the glass flooring.
"And of course, the Chief of the Internet Police sometimes uses the podium right in front of us to give speeches during celebrations or in times of crises," said Wheatley.
The glass elevator moved again, and once again, HurricaneAubrey found herself in the Terminal.
"It's interesting to note that the Internet Police Complex is hidden throughout the innumerable skyscrapers of Chicago, and the only way to access the many rooms of the Complex is by the glass elevators themselves," said Wheatley loudly. "Let's us now proceed to the Enrichment Center."
After moving in various directions that ranged from up to down, left and right, and forwards and backwards, HurricaneAubrey soon was in a room where scientists were conducting experiments with various equipments and machinery.
"This is the Enrichment Center. This is personally my favorite room in the entire Complex. It is here that the Internet Police is perfecting the weapons needed to fight the scum of the web," explained Wheatley.
As the glass elevator HurricaneAubrey was riding on hovered above the Enrichment Center, HurricaneAubrey saw many things that were incomprehensible to her artistic mind. There were chemicals of a plethora of colors bubbling within various laboratory glasswares. There were several machines projecting lasers onto targets, some effective and others duds. There were scientists constructing robots of various shapes and sizes. There was a scientist preparing to shoot a junkyard car with a projectile weapon, with the scientist's appearance looking very familiar to HurricaneAubrey.
"You are witnessing the Angry Video Game Nerd about to test his Super Scope weapon," stated Wheatley. "If the Super Scope is able to be perfected, it could be the Internet Police's most potent weapon against our enemies. You see that helmet-like item on Angry Video Game Nerd's head. It's called the Konami LaserScope. The purpose of the Konami LaserScope is to enable the wearer to shoot the Super Scope with extraordinary accuracy."
As the Angry Video Game Nerd was preparing to shoot his Super Scope weapon, HurricaneAubrey saw a congregation of robots in the testing area. They had binocular-like eyes, two mechanical arms attached to an upper body, and a lower locomotive base attached to the upper body through a cylindrical middle body.
"The robots you are looking at are R.O.B.s, also known as Robotic Operating Buddies. The R.O.B.s used in the Enrichment Center for various functions, ranging from dealing with hazardous material to handling weapons unable to be operated by humans," stated Wheatley. "I must say that the Nerd will be successful in testing his Super Scope weapon this time around."
The Angry Video Game Nerd fired the Super Scope weapon towards the junkyard car, shooting out a sonic pulse towards it. The car was hit by the sonic pulse, but unfortunately, the sonic pulse reverberated back towards the Nerd and the R.O.B. robots behind him, pushing them backwards several feet. The glass elevator vibrated heavily as HurricaneAubrey held onto for dear life.
"Fuck!" shouted the Nerd. "I rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear. I rather eat the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer than continue this experiment."
HurricaneAubrey saw the Nerd continue to swear and rant excessively over his failed test.
"Well. In the words of Thomas Edison, genius is one percent inspiration, ninety nine percent perspiration," said Wheatley. "I'm sure the Angry Video Game Nerd will get over this minor setback."
Just then, the Angry Video Game Nerd punched his fist into the Enrichment Center's wall and flung his Konami LaserScope into one of the bubbling chemicals. It caused a minor explosion in the Enrichment Center.
"Or not," said Wheatley as he saw a small mushroom cloud hovering above the scientists. "On with the tour then."
The glass elevator exited the Enrichment Center and was heading to another destination. Where they were going HurricaneAubrey didn't know.
"How many rooms are in the Internet Police Complex?" said HurricaneAubrey to Wheatley.
"I've lost count I must admit," answered Wheatley. "I would estimate that there are about a hundred rooms within the Internet Police Complex, each with their own unique features and personalities tailored to meet the needs of every Internet Police agent. I'll show you one room that every Internet Police agent needs to become a top defender of the World Wide Web."
And with those words, the glass elevator moved into a room that looked like an ancient Greek temple. According to HurricaneAubrey's observations, the Internet Police agents down below her were firing their guns at several cardboard targets.
"We are now in the Gymnasium of the Internet Police Complex. This is where all Internet Police agents go to exercise their mind and body," said Wheatley. "Oh look! The Internet Police agents are clearly having fun shooting at their favorite target."
Upon closer inspection, HurricaneAubrey saw that the majority of the cardboard targets were that of infamous YouTuber Fred Figglehorn.
"For many years, Fred Figglehorn wrecked havoc on the internet by his incessant whining and crazy antics. The Internet Police has spent many years trying to track down Fred, only to have him escape with assistance from his young supporters known as the Figgles. You can see that every member of the Internet Police has a personal vendetta against Fred and have placed their anger towards him through target practices," explained Wheatley.
"I can see that opinion thoroughly," said HurricaneAubrey as one Internet Police agent completely blasted the cardboard Fred's head off its body. She also never liked Fred due to being an annoying and immature boy on the internet.
The glass elevator made its way through the Gymnasium where Internet Police agents were also exercising by other means, such as fencing and discus throwing. HurricaneAubrey saw one of the discuses flying past the glass elevator when Wheatley began to speak again.
"We will now venture into the darkest part of the Internet Police Complex," stated Wheatley.
The glass elevator made its way back to the Terminal, where it soon traveled straight down into a dark opening. Against all expectations, the glass elevator continued moving in no other direction except down, just like any other normal elevator. HurricaneAubrey was immersed in total darkness once more.
"Let me turn on my flashlight to provide us some lighting," said Wheatley out from the darkness.
A flashlight was lit from Wheatley's mechanical body, stunning both HurricaneAubrey and Wheatley himself.
"GAAAA! I've got to stop believing that I would die if I turned on this flashlight," proclaimed Wheatley.
Now providing the light to HurricaneAubrey's glass elevator, Wheatley began telling her about the room coming up as the glass elevator continues to descend downward.
"We are now approaching the Asylum, where we keep all of the scum of the web captured by the Internet Police in solitary confinement until they can be properly reformed," remarked Wheatley. "The Asylum was first built in the 1950s as a nuclear bunker to protect the Chicago elite during the Cold War. I assume you know what the Cold War was about, HurricaneAubrey."
"I indeed know about the Cold War. It was a conflict between the United States and the Soviet Union that spanned over half a century involving the threat of nuclear annihilation," said HurricaneAubrey. "It was really a fight between capitalism and communism as well as democracy and authoritarianism."
"Exactly," replied Wheatley. "Funny how often humans are irrational enough to risk total extinction based solely on ideologies. Anyway, the end of the Cold War left the nuclear bunker dormant for some time before the Internet Police came by and converted it into the Asylum for captured Internet criminals. Ah. Here we are now."
Upon reaching the Asylum (perhaps located several miles below Lake Michigan), the glass elevator moved forward, with HurricaneAubrey having a ground-view of the occupants of the Asylum. The residents of the Asylum were held within glass containers that separated them from the Internet Police scientists attempting to diagnose them. Some, like the Dramatic Chipmunk, were content and civilized towards HurricaneAubrey as she stared at them. Others displayed Joker-levels of madness and insanity as they glanced at HurricaneAubrey with a savage longing and opened their mouths in emitting a primal scream.
"I hate being down here," admitted Wheatley. "They represent the worst of the internet, and curiously enough, they are all biological life forms and none are of artificial intelligence. Is it because artificial life is more caring and compassionate than carbon-based life?"
HurricaneAubrey was used to stories of robots taking over the world and enslaving the human race, but as she gazed upon the prisoners of the Asylum and looked at Wheatley's humility and kindness, she couldn't help but see merit in Wheatley's statement. Her thoughts about the worthiness of biological life were cut short by a familiar voice yelling in frustration.
"For the last time, you are American, not Japanese," said the Nostalgia Critic to a girl who was whiter than sour cream. The Nostalgia Critic and the white girl were sitting on steel chairs, with the white girl handcuffed to a steel table situated between her and the Nostalgia Critic.
"I'm not Japanese," insisted the obviously white girl, "I'm a Japanese vampire princess."
"Oh for fuck sake, MagicalPockyUsagi!" stated the Nostalgia Critic, "You are an American. You're just being a Weeaboo."
"I'm not a Weeaboo like those other posers. I'm a true Japanese individual," said MagicalPockyUsagi.
"If you're Japanese, then I'm the King of England," countered the Nostalgia Critic, who was now rubbing his fingers on his head in deep frustration.
MagicalPockyUsagi turned around to look at HurricaneAubrey and Wheatley, where she gave them V-signs through the use of two fingers on both of her hands.
"Like I said, we have some of the worst parts of the internet stored here," said Wheatley as he tried to ignore MagicalPockyUsagi's eyes.
"Come on, Wheatley. You can tell that I'm Japanese," said MagicalPockyUsagi.
"I can assure you madam that you are certainly not Japanese," answered Wheatley.
"Don't be such a moron, Wheatley," insisted MagicalPockyUsagi with fabricated innocence in her voice.
HurricaneAubrey knew that MagicalPockyUsagi had said something really insulting for Wheatley went completely berserk.
"I AM NOT A MORON!" shouted Wheatley.
"Oh yes you are! You're a moron from the most moronic island in the world," continued MagicalPockyUsagi as Wheatley tried not to shout insults at her. "You are a moron. You are a moron. You are a."
Thankfully, the glass container that held MagicalPockyUsagi was made soundproof by the Nostalgia Critic through a push of a button.
"Can I speak to you in private, Wheatley?" asked the Nostalgia Critic.
"Sure thing, Mr. Critic," answered Wheatley.
HurricaneAubrey saw Wheatley travel on his management rail to talk with the Nostalgia Critic. From her point of view, the Nostalgia Critic occasionally glanced at her with a grimace before returning to his conversation with Wheatley. From just the Nostalgia Critic's facial expressions and body language, she could tell that the Nostalgia Critic was talking about her and not in a positive manner.
"That was somewhat enlightening, Mr. Critic," said Wheatley as he joined HurricaneAubrey at the glass elevator. "I think it's time that we leave this abysmal place, HurricaneAubrey."
The glass elevator moved once more as it began to leave the Asylum, with HurricaneAubrey catching one last glance at the Nostalgia Critic. He was looking at her with distrust. After ascending several miles, the glass elevator emerged into the bright Terminal, and trying to keep her mind away from the creepiness of the Asylum and the Nostalgia Critic's negative attitude towards her, HurricaneAubrey decided to ask Wheatley a question.
"How does the Internet Police transport the captured criminals to the Asylum?" asked HurricaneAubrey.
"The Internet Police's prisoners are placed onto armored subway cars that are directly connected to the Asylum," answered Wheatley. "We take special precautions in ensuring that none of our captured individuals escape."
HurricaneAubrey was trying to suppress her uneasiness over the Asylum regarding its overall purpose.
"I must remind you that the Asylum is meant as a temporary residence for internet hooligans and trolls until they can be reformed to once again function normally in society," added Wheatley.
Seeing the still somewhat worried look on HurricaneAubrey's face, Wheatley thought of a room that would seem most rejuvenating for her.
"How about we go someplace more relaxing," suggested Wheatley.
"Agreed," said HurricaneAubrey.
And just like that, Wheatley brought HurricaneAubrey to a room that contained a wide meadow filled with olive trees and Mediterranean cypress trees.
"These are the Elysian Fields," stated Wheatley with pride in his voice. "What do you think?"
"It's beautiful," answered HurricaneAubrey as she stammered to find other appropriate words to describe the Elysian Fields. "It's just like Italian region of Tuscany."
"I knew that you would like it considering that you are of Italian-descent," said Wheatley as he followed the glass elevator's descent onto the grassy fields.
The glass elevator's doors opened, and with Wheatley's blessing, HurricaneAubrey exited it and ventured through the idyllic landscape. The illusion of being in Tuscany was achieved further by the artificial sky above her, which projected an orange and purple sky in representing a sunset. She eventually reached a stone farmhouse with a vineyard behind it. There were Internet Police agents inside of it drinking various types of wines. HurricaneAubrey took her seat at one of the tables
"What can I get for you, young lady?" said a tough, manly voice out of nowhere.
HurricaneAubrey tried to trace the source of the voice, which came from a mechanical sphere that looked just like Wheatley except that it had a green eye instead of Wheatley's blue eye.
"I would like a bottle of Sangiovese wine please," said HurricaneAubrey.
"Certainly," replied the green-eyed mechanical sphere. He then spoke in a more masculine and romantic tone "And I must say you're looking mighty fine young lady. How about you take a little lady break and have a drink with me?"
"Rick! Just get her some wine to drink. I'm the one conducting the Orientation tour," exclaimed Wheatley as he confronted the green-eyed mechanical sphere named Rick.
"Just trying to impress a beautiful woman Wheatley," said Rick as he proceeded to obtain Sangiovese wine by means of mechanical arms embedded in the walls. The Sangiovese wine bottle was carried by the mechanical arms and was poured into the glass cup directly in front of HurricaneAubrey.
"Thank you very much Rick," said Wheatley with annoyance. "You may go now."
"I take it you think I'm too manly and dangerous for this attractive woman right here Wheatley," said Rick as he moved away from HurricaneAubrey and Wheatley. "At least I'm not a moron who became a power-hungry dictator."
"I AM NOT A MORON!" yelled Wheatley as he attracted the unwanted attention of all the Internet Police agents in the building. Wheatley coughed nervously upon seeing them. "Sorry about that."
"What does he mean when you became a power-hungry dictator?" inquired HurricaneAubrey.
"Never mind about that," answered Wheatley. "Rick was just exaggerating things. Anyway, is there something else on your mind?"
As HurricaneAubrey was drinking her Sangiovese wine, she thought about how the Nostalgia Critic seemed to have a personal dislike of her.
"Why does the Nostalgia Critic hate me?" said HurricaneAubrey.
"What makes you say that?" said Wheatley.
"I remembered your conversation with the Nostalgia Critic down in the Asylum, and from his nonverbal gestures, he seemed to discussing his mistrust of me to you," projected HurricaneAubrey.
"Alright. I think it would best to be honest with you. The Nostalgia Critic did say that he doesn't trust the young people like you," admitted Wheatley. "You see, the Nostalgia Critic was a child of the 80s and grew up in the 90s. He experienced a different life than you have. You were a product of the 90s and grew up at the Turn of the Millennium. For his Garbage Pail Kids, you have your Seltzer and Friedberg movies. For his Star Trek movies, you have your Inceptions. For his Back to the Future movies, you have your modern romantic comedies."
"But I love the Back to the Future movies," retorted HurricaneAubrey. "I'm practically a child of the 80s as well as the 90s by my love of such movies like Home Alone, The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Beetlejuice, UHF, and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (which plays tributes to 80s and 90s video games and popular culture). I'm really the same person as the Nostalgia Critic based on our tastes in movies.
"But no matter your personal preferences and interests, you will always be seen by the Nostalgia Critic as a member of your generation based on your physical appearance," stated Wheatley. "I'm sorry HurricaneAubrey but that's what the Nostalgia Critic thinks of you. He will inevitably place you in the same category as the vapid, teenage girls commonly found in your generation according to his own opinion."
HurricaneAubrey looked crestfallen as Wheatley uttered these words. Seeing her sad expression, Wheatley began to speak again.
"Don't worry, HurricaneAubrey. I'm sure the Nostalgia Critic will turn his initial doubts and fears about you in due time when he gets to know you better," assured Wheatley.
HurricaneAubrey gave a smile as she took another drink of Sangiovese wine.
"This is a beautiful place, isn't it," said HurricaneAubrey as she gazed around in awe of how much beauty the Elysian Fields contained, ranging from the stone farmhouse with its collection of Italian wine to the recreation of the Tuscan countryside.
"It indeed is, HurricaneAubrey," replied Wheatley in agreement.
After spending some time in the Elysian Fields, Wheatley signaled HurricaneAubrey to return to the glass elevator, and with some reluctance, HurricaneAubrey made her way back to the glass elevator. From the tranquil environment of the Elysian Fields, the glass elevator took HurricaneAubrey to a room where different kinds of electronics were being manufactured at breakneck speeds. Typical industrial noises were heard as several mechanical spheres similar to Wheatley were supervising the production of the Internet Police's electronic tools.
"This is what the Internet Police calls the Assembly Line," explained Wheatley. "This is where the Internet Police's gadgets are mass produced to be used against the scum of the web."
The glass elevator was in the midst of robotic arms firing out lasers onto the moving conveyor belt, and miraculously, the lasers just barely avoided hitting the glass elevator. As HurricaneAubrey was watching the lasers pass right front of her eyes, a mechanical sphere was travelling next to the glass elevator, in which he was clearly obsessed with something not related to the production of Internet Police gadgets.
"Oh oh oh ohohohoh oh. Gotta go to space. Space. Space. Space. Space. Comets. Stars. Galaxies. Orion," said the yellow-eyed mechanical sphere as he passed by the glass elevator.
"Greetings, Space Core. I would like to introduce to you a good mate of mine. Her name is HurricaneAubrey, and she is the newest member of the Internet Police," said Wheatley to the yellow-eyed mechanical sphere, of who didn't seem to be paying attention to him.
"Are we in space yet? What's the hold-up? Gotta go to space. Gotta go to SPACE. Going to space," said the Space Core as he continued to revolve around the glass elevator as if it was the sun and he was the earth.
"So Space Core. May I request that you obtain a G.E.D. for HurricaneAubrey here?" asked Wheatley.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm going. Going to space. Love space. Need to go to space," continued the Space Core as he continued his orbit around the glass elevator, ignoring Wheatley's question.
"Can you please snap out of your strange fascination for space and get me a G.E.D. for HurricaneAubrey?" asked Wheatley irritably.
"Oh alright," said the Space Core as he drifted away from the glass elevator.
"A G.E.D.? As in general educational development?" thought HurricaneAubrey. "But I already graduated from college. So why I'm I being given a test for people who didn't graduate high school?"
But the robotic arms being manipulated by the Space Core returned with an electronic device, which looked like the same one used by the Nostalgia Critic and the Angry Video Game Nerd when they were at the Norman Greeting Card Company searching for the Dramatic Chipmunk. The glass elevator door opened when the electronic tablet was placed into HurricaneAubrey's hands by the robotic arms.
"Thank you, Space Core," said HurricaneAubrey.
"Space space space. Going. Going there. Okay. I love you, space. Space," said the Space Core as he went back to supervising the manufacturing of the other electronic products.
"Now this is a G.E.D., also known as a Global Electronic Database," explained Wheatley. "All Internet Police agents are armed with G.E.D., which contains all the necessary electronic features one would expect from a police agency. You're got your basic tracking devices, videophones, maps, information regarding the scum of the web, and an electronic encyclopedia."
"So basically everything an average iPad or Kindle can do?" said HurricaneAubrey.
"Well… yes and no," said Wheatley with a somewhat embarrassed expression on his face. "I mean, can an iPad or a Kindle shoot out fire?"
Feeling curious, HurricaneAubrey decided to find the button that would allow the G.E.D. to shoot out fire.
"DON'T PUSH THE FIRE BUTTON!" shouted Wheatley.
But HurricaneAubrey already pushed the button, and much to her surprise, the G.E.D. released a short burst of fire. HurricaneAubrey dropped the G.E.D. onto the glass elevator's floor as she was panting heavily.
"Always prepare for the unpredictable," said HurricaneAubrey to Wheatley.
"Right," said Wheatley as he shook his mechanical body.
The glass elevator was moving through what looked like a kitchen where chefs were cooking all sorts of culinary concoctions.
"We are just passing through the kitchen where the meals for the Internet Police agents will be passed to the Great Hall, which we will see in just a few moments," stated Wheatley.
And just like that, the glass elevator stopped by a room that looked like the dining hall at Oxford's Christ Church College.
"Welcome to the Great Hall," said Wheatley. "I suggest you take a thorough look of the place."
HurricaneAubrey turned her head towards all directions and saw that the Great Hall had stained glass windows like a medieval cathedral, and the walls of the Great Hall had paintings illustrating the progress of human communication. Several of these paintings included these following subjects: people creating cave paintings, Egyptians writing on papyrus scrolls, the Romans constructing roads, Gutenberg at his printing press, the invention of the telegraph and the telephone, Americans listening to the radio and watching television, and the birth of the World Wide Web.
"This is where Internet Police agents typically eat their meals when they are busy with work either here or on field assignments," said Wheatley.
The glass elevator made its way back to the Terminal, where a myriad of glass elevators were criss-crossing each other to get to their destination.
"As a special treat to all new Internet Police agents, the Orientation program offers them a chance to choose any room to end their Internet Police Complex tour before returning back to the Orientation Room," said Wheatley.
HurricaneAubrey looked at what seemed to be an infinite number of buttons surrounding her, each containing the name of a room in the Internet Police Complex. They included the following rooms: Engine Room, Restricted Section, Atmospheric Chocolate Room, Universe Room, and the Internet Archive. At last, HurricaneAubrey pushed the button a room that caught her interest: The Art Gallery.
"Ah The Art Gallery," said Wheatley. "Heading there right now."
The Art Gallery within the Internet Police Complex looked like the Louvre. As HurricaneAubrey exited the glass elevator, she felt overwhelmed by the presence of art. For her entire life, she was fascinated by art since going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and the Museum of Modern Art in New York City during her childhood. In her opinion, she appreciated both traditional and modern art. For example, she saw the painting Washington Crossing the Delaware and was in awe of how the painting depicted Washington and his troops braving the hostile weather in their fight for independence. In HurricaneAubrey's opinion, a painting can come to life if the colors and textures utilized were used properly, with Washington Crossing the Delaware being a painting with the perfect colors and textures. She also remembered the time she first gazed upon Vincent van Gogh's The Starry Night at the Museum of Modern Art, and at a young age, she only paid attention to the diluted colors and the swirls in the picture. Of course, she appreciated the painting even more at an older age by learning about Vincent van Gogh's turmoil throughout his life, with the triumphs and tragedies of the psychologically depressed artist on display in front of her.
"I take it you have a background in art, paintings and sculptures in particular, HurricaneAubrey," asked Wheatley.
"I do indeed, Wheatley," answered HurricaneAubrey. "In fact, my younger sister Allison also has a background in art, only she is more musically inclined."
HurricaneAubrey saw some paintings that she recognized. Some of these included Pietro Antonio Rotari's Young Girl Writing a Love Letter, Jean-Honoré Fragonard's A Young Girl Reading, and Élisabeth Vigée-Lebrun's Self Portrait of herself painting. Élisabeth Vigée-Lebrun was one of HurricaneAubrey's idols for being a successful 18th century woman artist, with HurricaneAubrey hoping to emulate her as a 21st century version of her.
"You may also be interested in this specific painting," said Wheatley as he encircled a sculpture of Auguste Rodin's The Thinker.
Wheatley directed HurricaneAubrey to an enormous painting, which depicted what looked like Internet Police agents (whom were dressed in WWII-style uniforms) charging onto a battlefield. They appeared to be fighting what looked like adolescent children.
"What you see here is the reason why the Nostalgia Critic distrusts you. This painting The Battle of Montana was one of the bloodiest battle in the First War, also known by other names such as the Children Revolution or the Youth War," explained Wheatley. "The First War pitted the Internet Police against children who wanted to overthrow the adults and establish a vapid society with senseless violence and rampant destruction. With these children and teenagers threatening to destroy everything they held most dear towards, many Internet Police agents, such as the Nostalgia Critic, fostered an eternal enmity towards the younger generation that included you HurricaneAubrey."
As HurricaneAubrey saw the brutality of the Battle of Montana through how the adolescents were killing the Internet Police agents (with the painting's shades of red depicting the river of blood coming from the injured or dead Internet Police agents, she fully understood why the Nostalgia Critic and perhaps the other Internet Police agents had a personal dislike of her.
"Art really is an expression of the best and worst humanity has to offer," said HurricaneAubrey to herself.
The glass elevator was making its way back to the Orientation Room when HurricaneAubrey thought back to the two paintings in the Art Gallery that made a lasting impact on her: Élisabeth Vigée-Lebrun's Self Portrait and the Battle of Montana. Élisabeth Vigée-Lebrun's Self Portrait showed what young people like HurricaneAubrey could be capable of when they devoted themselves to creating beauty and goodness in the world. In stark contrast, the Battle of Montana was a statement on what heinous acts young people could perform on their fellow human beings, ruining the reputation of other young individuals in the eyes of their older neighbors. The glass elevator returned back to the Orientation Room, which possessed almost no lighting again.
"I believe that the Chief has a few words to say to you," announced Wheatley.
The monitors in front of HurricaneAubrey turned on, revealing an African-American woman that bore a striking resemblance to Lynne Thigpen.
"Greetings HurricaneAubrey, our newest member of the Internet Police. I'm the Chief, but you can call me…. well the Chief," said the Chief from her office. "Congratulations on completing your Orientation tour of the Internet Police Complex. I will now be supervising your official initiation into the Internet Police."
All of a sudden, all of the other monitors in the Orientation Room turned on and projected what looked like a congregation of Internet Police agents clapping for her in what looked like a gigantic medieval cathedral. Feeling that it was the proper thing to do, HurricaneAubrey kneeled down onto her knees as the glass elevator doors opened. Robotic arms emerged from the Orientation Room's floor and a sword was placed on HurricaneAubrey's right shoulder.
"Repeat after me," said Wheatley as he stared down at HurricaneAubrey. "I, HurricaneAubrey."
"I, HurricaneAubrey," repeated HurricaneAubrey.
"Do solemnly swear to protect the world from the scum of the web," said Wheatley.
"Do solemnly swear to protect the world from the scum of the web," repeated HurricaneAubrey.
"To prepare for the unpredictable," said Wheatley.
"To prepare for the unpredictable," repeated HurricaneAubrey.
"And to defend all that is good in the world," said Wheatley.
"And to defend all that is good in the world," repeated HurricaneAubrey.
"In the powers vested in me and all of the innovators who had lived before you, I now proclaim you to be an official member of the Internet Police!" exclaimed Wheatley.
HurricaneAubrey felt the magnitude of the Initiation Ceremony as she kneeled there as all of the Internet Police agents in the Orientation Room applauded for her.
The John Hancock Center, named after one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence, was one of Chicago's tallest skyscrapers. With two distinguished antennas at the top, the John Hancock Center possessed an Observatory that is considered by many Chicagoans to be one of the best in the city. As the sun was setting upon the Chicago skyline, HurricaneAubrey was purchasing a Chicago-style hotdog inside the Observatory.
"Is there any ketchup available?" pondered HurricaneAubrey as she held the Chicago-style hotdog in her hand.
"Of course not, young lady," replied the man behind the counter. "Chicagoans consider ketchup to be a stain on our perfect hotdogs, and indeed, we don't even put mustard on our hotdogs for it would be detrimental to the overall taste of the meat on the bun. You must be a New Yorker. I can assure you that we do things differently here in Chicago. Any questions?"
"Uh no," said HurricaneAubrey. "I just need to get used to things being different here in Chicago."
Eating her hotdog without the aid of ketchup or mustard, HurricaneAubrey walked towards the windows overlooking both the Chicago skyline as well as Lake Michigan. The setting sun looked glorious from the Observatory. HurricaneAubrey ate her hotdog as she glanced across both Lake Michigan and the Chicago skyline.
"I wonder if it was by fate that I'm now a part of the Internet Police," thought HurricaneAubrey as she leaned against one of the Observatory's windows.
HurricaneAubrey had become a full-time member of the Internet Police whether by random chance or by fate. Whatever the reason, she was now going into a world filled with more wonders and horrors than she could ever imagine. In the next few months, she will encounter old and new friends as well as enemies. She would uncover plots from the mundane to those that threatened the entire planet. Indeed, she would risk everything she held most dear towards by her involvement with the Internet Police. But for now, HurricaneAubrey looked upon the Chicago landscape, not knowing what the future held for her.
Please review this story to provide me some advice on improving it. What other internet personalities or memes should the Internet Police encounter?
