We have gotten a total of eighteen views, one follower, and zero reviews! And because of that wondrous success, we have decided to continue. Presenting: The Poop Sandwich Story 2.0, written by kaufmanl, who has seen the Avengers. Enjoy, and please review!
Disclaimer: We don't own the Avengers. If we did, the second movie would be called "The Avengers 2: Age of Poop Sandwiches".
This great literary achievement is a response to Ana Earle's great literary achievement, The Poop Sandwich Story, which was a response to chapter 7 of The Defenders, entitled "Lesbians and Poop Sandwiches", written by me (kaufmanl). A summary of The Poop Sandwich Story, which is needed for this story, can be found here: Tony and Steve defeat a fancy-bathrobe-wearing alien with a radioactive chicken army using the power of poop sandwiches. The end.
Now, the story.
WARNING: It's a little gross. Because, you know, poop sandwiches.
Once upon a time Tony and Steve were in their little Avenger house or wherever they live because I have seen the movie but it never said anything about where they live. SO ANYWAY they are in their Avenger house, and everyone else is out...being the Avengers. It's strenuous. So Tony and Steve were alone in the Avenger house, and Tony was flipping through a book entitled Recipes for Things Captain America and Iron Man Would Enjoy Making Together. There was only one recipe in the book. It was as follows.
Poop Sandwiches
You'll need:
Some godly, Asgardian shit (This is only if you want to make a divine poop sandwich, and those always taste the best. If not, use any type of shit you so desire. Your shit. Steve's shit. Your dog's shit. Your cat's shit. Your fish's shit. Your shit's shit. Whatever.)
Two slices of Wonder Bread (This is not debatable. It must be Wonder Bread. Otherwise it won't be wonderful.)
Instructions:
Get your shit together.
Massage it until it is soft and spreadable.
Retrieve a knife and smear the shit betwixt the pieces of Wonder Bread.
Wonder why you just made a poop sandwich.
Realize poop sandwiches are hilarious and have the power to defeat aliens and radioactive chickens.
Love your poop sandwich.
Don't eat it.
Please.
Please don't eat it.
"Steve!" Tony called with much joy and excitement, "Look!" Steve looked. And then he was seized by paroxysms of laughter, because the page said "poop sandwich". Poop sandwiches are funny shit. Haha, shit. Get it?
"We must make this poop sandwich!" Steve said with much authority because he is Captain America. So he's in charge. And therefore speaks with authority.
Their first step was to retrieve their godly, Asgardian shit. They quickly ruled out going to Loki, because the god was upset at them for making his core muscles sore. They only knew one other god; Thor. So they took an elevator up to Asgard and found him.
"Hey, Thor!" Steve greeted.
"Greetings, my Avenger brethren! Has the call to assemble been sounded?" Thor asked in that weird way Thor talks.
"No," Tony said, "we just need some shit."
"Oh," Thor replied, "I will ready for you some fecal matter, my brethren." Thor went away and returned later with a bag of glowing, golden, Asgardian shit. Steve and Tony were mesmerized.
"That is the most beautiful shit I've ever seen!" Steve cried.
"What, this?" Thor questioned. "'Tis nothing! I dropped a far lovelier specimen this morning."
"TMI, Thor, TMI," Tony told him. Then they rode back down their elevator to Earth, and carried their glowing shit back to their Avenger house. Yay! Then they proceded onto step 2, which was to massage it until it was soft and spreadable.
"You can do that," Tony said.
"Really?" Steve gasped, "Thank you!" And he massaged the shit.
"Now, for the Wonder Bread," Tony mused, "JARVIS, do we have any Wonder Bread?" JARVIS was Tony's computerized Al that knew everything and lived in the walls of the Avenger house and also sometimes hung out in Tony's suit and talked to him in British.
"Yes, sir," JARVIS replied, "our shelves are fully stocked with Wonder Bread."
"I think it's sad you have to invent people to talk to you," Steve commented.
"Don't insult me while you're up to your elbows in Thor's divine manure," Tony shot back.
"This manure is beautiful," Steve whispered instensly. And it was. It was not poop meant for mere mortal eyes, and it's beauty almost dazzled them blind.
Tony retrieved the Wonder Bread.
"I have retrieved the Wonder Bread," He said.
"I'm finished massaging the poop," Steve replied.
"Now it is time to make the poop sandwich," Tony said solemnly.
"Wait!" Steve cried, "This is an important moment. I should film it."
"You don't know how to use a camera."
"You should film it."
So Tony gave Steve the knife, and went to retrieve a camera. He returned very fast because he is a fast person. True story.
"Proceed," Tony said. So Steve took a deep breath, and spread the golden shit betwixt the Wonder Bread. It was a beautiful moment. Both men cried. When they were finished, they placed the poop sandwich on a lovely china plate and set it on the counter, marked, "TONY AND STEVE'S MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATION: DO NOT EAT". Just as they were finished, Clint arrived. His eyes fell upon the sandwich. He sighed.
"Is that...I'm not gonna say it. But is it?" He asked.
"Yes," Tony replied.
"It's a poop sandwich," Steve said.
"You're not gonna eat it, are you?" Clint groaned.
"What, and ruin that work of art? Of course not!" Tony answered immediately.
"But it is around noon, and that cooking made me hungry," Steve mused. "Say, Tony, what's for lunch?"
The End
Epilogue
It was poop sandwiches.
